Is she testing me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Feeling a little frustrated.

Received a "love you xoxox" message earlier in the week from BPD friend then had to speak to her a couple of days later online due to a work matter.  During the online conversation she randomly tells me that a family member asked her if she has a "lady friend."  She went on to say that she believed the family member was just testing - the family member told my friend that, "she isn't sure of things these days."  My friend said she set the family member straight in that she is "straight."

This came out of nowhere in our conversation.  The following day we had another online conversation regarding work and she was a little distant and cool 

Just when I think I've got a good grasp on this disorder, the reality of it hits me, and I shake my head once again.  I accept that she has romantic feelings for me even though I am dead straight, which she is well aware of - I understand part of her behavior - yet it is still so frustrating.  She split with her long term bf 3 months ago, and is not in another relationship.

I can only assume she was testing to see my reaction to the "lady friend" comment?  I'm also not convinced that her family member even asked the question.  It didn't seem right to me.  So why then the following day is she cool and a little short? 

[Hadlee]

Feeling a little frustrated.

Received a "love you xoxox" message earlier in the week from BPD friend then had to speak to her a couple of days later online due to a work matter.  During the online conversation she randomly tells me that a family member asked her if she has a "lady friend."  She went on to say that she believed the family member was just testing - the family member told my friend that, "she isn't sure of things these days."  My friend said she set the family member straight in that she is "straight."

This came out of nowhere in our conversation.  The following day we had another online conversation regarding work and she was a little distant and cool 

Just when I think I've got a good grasp on this disorder, the reality of it hits me, and I shake my head once again.  I accept that she has romantic feelings for me even though I am dead straight, which she is well aware of - I understand part of her behavior - yet it is still so frustrating.  She split with her long term bf 3 months ago, and is not in another relationship.

I can only assume she was testing to see my reaction to the "lady friend" comment?  I'm also not convinced that her family member even asked the question.  It didn't seem right to me.  So why then the following day is she cool and a little short? 

[myself]

If she was fishing for a certain response and didn't get it, which is on her not you, she may be feeling rejected/hurt and keeping her distance. With BPD there's a lot of push and pull. Also, if it was just a work-related contact, perhaps her feelings didn't play into it at the time? Does she have a history of testing you or others? Can you have an honest talk with her about it?

[Hadlee]

Yes she has tested a lot.  Her keeping her distance due to rejection could be it.  My response to her comment was, "at least she'd be cool if you ever crossed to the dark side."   It was after I said that - she then said she set the family member straight.

I'm apprehensive about have the 'talk' with her, to be honest.  My concern is that she would twist things.  I need to be a little careful as we work for the same company.

[Hadlee]

Now today... .my (work) message has been ignored

[Mutt]

Now today... .my (work) message has been ignored

songbook is right. It's push / pull behavior.

I wouldn't take what she said about her family member at face value Hadlee. It is possible it was a family member, another possibility is a dissociation ( lying ) to match her out of place feelings.

Let's look at this this way.

She likes you. It's unreciprocated love. She's tested you several times. I think she's fabricating this story with the family member to telegraph she is straight and she's clearly shown she wants intimacy with you. I think she knows you're not interested same sex.

You chat with her online. I understand not being able to get away from it at work. She has work related issues and isn't always the best performer. You have meetings with her.

Why the online chatting? I may want to put certain boundaries away from the workplace. It's your personal life. Sure you have a work relationship and does it need to crossover in your personal life?

Unreciprocated love is awkward, frustrating, uncomfortable. I can relate. I had a coworker have serious feelings that I didn't reciprocate and this went on for a year, perhaps more. Not fun. It's one thing for it being in the work place and it's another when it's also outside of the workplace.

I like you at the time had difficulties expressing feelings with her and boundaries. I never told her I wasn't interested. I was feeling alot of guilt ( codependency ) and worried about hurting her feelings and not taking care of my needs.

You can't get away from it.

Why the hesitation with the talk? What if she does twist things? You can't control the possibilities, you can control how you react if it does happen.

What if you don't have a talk with her? What's your limit? What if this goes on for another 6, 18, 24 months?

[Hadlee]

The online chat has been at work via office communicator.  I needed to confirm details with her regarding a project I am working on, which she is also involved in.  I chose to communicate rather than call or see her in person.  The communication couldn't be avoided in this instance.

You are right about having the talk.  I suppose I'm not really handling this overly well at all.  I'm feeling so awkward just thinking of confronting her.  I've never had to have this kind of talk with anyone... .hell, I've never found myself in this situation before.  It's my fear of looking like an complete idiot if she, and I'm sure she would, denies everything.   

I take full responsibility for engaging in the recent communication.  It's not an excuse, but I was completely caught off guard by her comment as, up until that point, it was work discussion only.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry I got it wrong. I was confused with her love sentiments and work related matter. I thought it was after work, VPN or another chat client.

Hadlee don't be hard on yourself. It's hard to have to have this talk and she's disordered. She may not understand and may continue. My point is, start drawing some lines and start the work to put her behind you.

I understand you are / were friends. What is friendship? Is it the need for one person with advances and mixed messages? Does this quantify as friendship or something else? What about your needs?

If it's going into territory that's not comfortable, it may really be time to cut her loose. It's sad how friendships can end this way, she meant something to you and likely not a position you wanted to be put in? I'm sorry.

Let the chips fall where they may. You're smart, I have no reservations you're not going to get through this.

The first step is always the hardest.

It's something to ponder. You don't have to make decisions right away. My advice, you have to start putting up boundaries.

If she sends you "xoxo" messages and talking about a family member commenting about her preferences. Say something and say it once.

"I'm sorry. I think perhaps we have a misunderstanding about sexual preferences. It's not open for discussion and I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about it. Thanks"

Don't JADE ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain ) if she asks again. Be clear with no ambiguity as pwBPD have difficulties with their personal boundaries and other people's boundaries.

[Hadlee]

Thanks Mutt.  I should have made it clearer that it was communication online at work

It's definitely not a friendship I wish to have  I am frustrated with myself as I seem to take two steps forward away from this mess then end up taking three steps back.  I actually think what set me off this time was seeing her last week.  She looked so terrible and unkempt - she's not putting in any effort with her appearance.  I guess I need to find a way to not let that affect me.  I feel sorry for anyone doing it tough regardless of who or what they are  I realize that is MY issue.

It's easy to see now that I'm not making this process easy on myself at all.  :)amn, it's hard

Oh that's great advice regarding the sexual preference comments.  I have made it perfectly clear to her in the past that I am straight.  She asked me early on in our friendship if I would ever go with a woman.  My response was a big NO!  She then asked the same thing last year, 2 or so years later.  Again, my response was NO!

I don't know whether she is about to come out of the closet or whether she is having some identity crisis. 

[Mutt]

I am frustrated with myself as I seem to take two steps forward away from this mess then end up taking three steps back.

Fall down 7 times get up 8  

It's hard seeing someone we care about struggling, maybe going through a depression or not taking care of themselves

Suffering is also letting this draw out into something long. Think about what you want then follow through. Don't get enmeshed in her stuff. Her disorder is not your fault and you are an important person with your own needs. Take care of you!  

[Jmanster]

If she is BPD... .run and don't look back... .It hurts to see people go through what I went through... .do yourself a solid and run away!

[Hadlee]

I am frustrated with myself as I seem to take two steps forward away from this mess then end up taking three steps back.

Fall down 7 times get up 8  

It's hard seeing someone we care about struggling, maybe going through a depression or not taking care of themselves

Suffering is also letting this draw out into something long. Think about what you want then follow through. Don't get enmeshed in her stuff. Her disorder is not your fault and you are an important person with your own needs. Take care of you!  

Thanks Mutt.  Always appreciate all of your advice