Intro: Dealing with a father who has BPD and is narcissistic

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi I am the daughter of a man with undiagnosed BPD (because he declined therapy) and for years I have accommodated his behaviour and abuse, but after a significant altercation over Christmas I stood up for myself, my husband and my children and asked him to leave our home.  After a week I sent him a letter stating I can no longer tolerate his behaviour and that unless he was willing to work on changing I couldn't spend time with him. He replied stating that he loved me and was sad that he was losing me to a mishap and he forgives me.

My sister believes that the whole "mishap" was due to my husband's behaviour as she heard my dad's version of events first. My sister also  has diagnosed mental health issues, including depression and OCD.

My parents were married at 17 as they were pregnant with me, and are still together but my mother is a classic example of a mentally abused/manipulated wife.

I am now struggling with how to go forward. My mother and I were very close until the last 7 years. Both of my children are getting married in the next 18 months and our grandson is 2. Dealing with the family invites for all of the upcoming events has me torn. A few close family members are aware of the large scope of my dad's instability. My father's favourite sister was just diagnosed with terminal cancer and I am close to her and her children too.

I am feeling quite isolated and years of hiding his behaviour from the family has me hesitant to talk to my cousins.  

I am hoping this group can give me such much needed perspective.

[Hometown girl]

Hi I am the daughter of a man with undiagnosed BPD (because he declined therapy) and for years I have accommodated his behaviour and abuse, but after a significant altercation over Christmas I stood up for myself, my husband and my children and asked him to leave our home.  After a week I sent him a letter stating I can no longer tolerate his behaviour and that unless he was willing to work on changing I couldn't spend time with him. He replied stating that he loved me and was sad that he was losing me to a mishap and he forgives me.

My sister believes that the whole "mishap" was due to my husband's behaviour as she heard my dad's version of events first. My sister also  has diagnosed mental health issues, including depression and OCD.

My parents were married at 17 as they were pregnant with me, and are still together but my mother is a classic example of a mentally abused/manipulated wife.

I am now struggling with how to go forward. My mother and I were very close until the last 7 years. Both of my children are getting married in the next 18 months and our grandson is 2. Dealing with the family invites for all of the upcoming events has me torn. A few close family members are aware of the large scope of my dad's instability. My father's favourite sister was just diagnosed with terminal cancer and I am close to her and her children too.

I am feeling quite isolated and years of hiding his behaviour from the family has me hesitant to talk to my cousins.  

I am hoping this group can give me such much needed perspective.

[Turkish]

He forgives you   blame shifting, and narissistic traits of feeling superior.

I think it's good that you wrote that letter. You stood up for yourself and enforced boundaries. I'm sorry that your relationship with your mother deteriorated, but it's a sure bet that she's enabling him in order to cope. At least you have some family members who see what's going on.

Family events are a tough thing which many members here struggle with. Since these are your childrens' weddings, however, I would leave the decisions up to them. How aware of their grandfather's behaviors are they?

Perhaps this discussion can help you put some perspective on this, Hg:

TOOLS: Family systems--understanding the narcissistic family

I hope to hear more on how best we can support you.



Turkish

[Hometown girl]

Thank you Turkish for your welcome and the feedback to check with our children regarding their opinion about his attendance. Their apprehension about his behviour at their events was part of what drew the line in the sand.

I am going to read the article you have suggested Thank you!

I had a lengthy discussion with my cousin who is closer to my parents age and to whom we are all very close to, she has witnessed his irrational outbursts and been caught in some of his tirades. It was reassuring to have her support in my decision to enforce my boundaries.

I am finding the articles and boards here very affirmng.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Hometown girl

Welcome to the forum.

Yeah I can identify with your feelings there - my father is also narcissistic although it's my mother that I suspect (am pretty sure) has BPD.

i admire your grit in standing up for yourself and your family. I know how hard it can be as you are challenging ingrained feelings that have been instilled for so long.

I agree with Turkish that yuor kids should be the ones to decide how to proceed as far as his presence at their weddings. it would be well worth keeping in mind that there are ways to minimise impact of bad behaviour and it is worth preparing strategies beforehand just in case.

I am also concerned with his characterising it as a 'mishap.' That is definitely not taking full responsibility.

Regardless of what your sister or indeed anyone thinks is the cause, it is probably worth just trusting your own instincts.

It's great that you are making boundaries and being specific about what you want and what the consequences will be whatever he decides to do. That leaves it clear for him to make his own decisions whilst protecting your own needs.

As well as the article Turkish I posted, I would recommend reading more about fear obligation and guilt which will help you define how those behaviours impact on you. The link is here:

Article 16: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

You mentioned that you would like new perspectives - do you feel the ideas you have now aren't serving you? What would you like to try and achieve? Any extra detail will make it easier to provide you with support that will help

All the best

Ziggiddy

[Hometown girl]

I am so thankful for this forum! I feel like I am in the best place I have been in years.  We had our daughter's engagement party and I told my mother (father and I are still not talking) that she was welcome to attend but "no, my father was not welcome".  My mum cried but she chose not to attend either. Interestingly enough the family and long time friends all were disappointed that she chose not to come, but were all very supportive of telling my father not to attend. I have to say it was the most relaxed we have ever been at any family event, we had a wonderful time! I know at some point in time we will have to be at some family function together again so I am working on my boundaries and my reactions to his behaviour.

Comments from other family members are at least now my father is being much kinder and appreciative of my mother. If nothing else comes out of all this, that makes this worthwhile. In discussion with my therapist I have admitted that I have spent most of my life protecting my mum and her feelings. It is time to let her take care of herself and start protecting my own

feelings and more of my children's.  Thank you, thank you for this forum, it is definitely providing me with the tools that are giving me strength for this journey.

Truly appreciative,

Hometown girl