Introduction - Seeking support - just getting started

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am a divorced male, mid 40's with half custody of my young son. I left my marriage 3 years ago for a younger woman that appears to match the BPD perfectly. It has been a roller coaster ride all the way! I thought I found my "soul mate" but the relationship became increasingly conflictual and abusive and I could NEVER give enough love. She was jealous of my son and my friends and didn't like various family members. I quit doing a lot of my interests and devoted my all my free time to her when I wasn't with my son. I felt isolated and beaten when nothing was ever enough it seemed. She was moody and unpredictable and her default emotion was anger. She knew my insecurities and could strike out and be extremely mean. It was a cycle of intense anger, followed by me either breaking down and asking for forgiveness (even though I often did not think I did anything to hurt her) or getting so hurt and angry that I stormed out and did not speak to her for a couple of days. But I would always come back and she always knew how to hook me. We even got engaged several months ago. Two weeks ago as the fights escalated and my worries about her anger and constant conflict increased, I could take no more. My love for my son helped me break off the engagement. Since the broken engagement, she has treated me like I am dead but kept a cheerful public persona. Everyone tells me I "dodged a bullet" and my friends and family are happy. But here I am... .still obsessing about her and trying to fight the delusional thoughts that we can somehow work out. I can't go back to that insanity, not for me and not For The Boy. I'm stuggling emotionally... .

[For the boy]

I am a divorced male, mid 40's with half custody of my young son. I left my marriage 3 years ago for a younger woman that appears to match the BPD perfectly. It has been a roller coaster ride all the way! I thought I found my "soul mate" but the relationship became increasingly conflictual and abusive and I could NEVER give enough love. She was jealous of my son and my friends and didn't like various family members. I quit doing a lot of my interests and devoted my all my free time to her when I wasn't with my son. I felt isolated and beaten when nothing was ever enough it seemed. She was moody and unpredictable and her default emotion was anger. She knew my insecurities and could strike out and be extremely mean. It was a cycle of intense anger, followed by me either breaking down and asking for forgiveness (even though I often did not think I did anything to hurt her) or getting so hurt and angry that I stormed out and did not speak to her for a couple of days. But I would always come back and she always knew how to hook me. We even got engaged several months ago. Two weeks ago as the fights escalated and my worries about her anger and constant conflict increased, I could take no more. My love for my son helped me break off the engagement. Since the broken engagement, she has treated me like I am dead but kept a cheerful public persona. Everyone tells me I "dodged a bullet" and my friends and family are happy. But here I am... .still obsessing about her and trying to fight the delusional thoughts that we can somehow work out. I can't go back to that insanity, not for me and not For The Boy. I'm stuggling emotionally... .

[Mutt]

Hi For the boy,



I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that. It's frustrating, stressful and hard when anything you do or devote is not enough. You lose your self esteems, may feel depressed and it's hard to turn to someone that understands.  You feel like you're walking on eggshells.

We're not professionals and we can look at traits. You describe the disorder well.

Is she diagnosed?

How old is your son?

Are you seeing a T?

Welcome to the family  

--Mutt

[For the boy]

Thanks. I relate to everything on here! I am just exhausted and bewildered by the last three years that I am making it day by day... .trying to focus at work... .trying to be a good father. My son is eight. She is not officially diagnosed and one of the deal-breakers for me is that I PLEADED with her to go to counseling with me but she refused, always making excuses. She said she loved me like no one else EVER but would not do this. Here's some irony... .I am a counselor by trade so I know the diagnosis well but have felt powerless to change. I guess out of some codependent arrogance I thought I could love her to normalcy. How foolish and now I am withdrawing in a big way! I believe she already has replaced me!

I need a therapist! Set up an appointment for next week.

[Ripped Heart]

Hi For the Boy,

I dont believe for one minute that you were foolish in your beliefs. As codependent rescuers, we have strong beliefs that if we can give enough love, care and attention we get the same in return. Its very natural for us to think and behave that way because that is our nature. Its why many of us end up in relationships with pwBPD or strong cluster B traits in the first place and our role within the dynamic.

It can be extremely emotionally, mentally and physically draining to us and I found the worst part was at the end of a relationship because suddenly we are left to focus on ourselves, something that can be just as alien to us.

I relate to your feelings that she was jealous because I experienced a similar thing too. Any time spent with my children was normally upstaged by some drama. Likewise, friends and family were often pushed aside too.

[Mutt]

I agree with Ripped Heart. There's always some sort of drama and the spotlight was turned on my SO.

I'm sorry to hear your having a hard time getting through the day. These break-ups are very tough. I can relate my ex is undiagnosed and I was always the problem. I need therapy and not her.

I'm happy to hear you're going to talk to a T. How's S8 coping?

[For the boy]

It's so nice to have people to relate to. My friends and family have been supportive but only a couple of them seem to really understand the magnitude of my struggles. My son has done very well I think. We do seem closer since the one hundreth big fight that ended the relationship. My ex and I have always been civil and as harmonious as we could and I have literally hung up on my xBP when she started yelling on the phone in front of him. I'm sure he's affected in ways I don't see but just for today I am hoping I can stay away from her and end this for good. I blocked her on fb tonight so that snipped my obsession for the moment. haha

[For the boy]

As I say all these negative things... .the strange dichotomy is that I love her and my mind still play tricks on me even though I feel like I gave EVERYTHING I had. At the moment I don't have any regrets because I hung in there a loonnng time! We had "unofficially" broken up numerous times and officially twice. So this was the third time but with a ring for emphasis this time around... .sigh... .

[Mutt]

It's the push / pull behavior.

She fears abandonment and engulfment. We broke up to make up the same day. She would throw me out of the house only to get a call on my cell 5 minutes later asking when was I coming back? I was furious.

This dance, it's hard to stop and you can stop it.

It helps to talk with people that have gone through this.

[Tibbles]

Hi

Just wanted to say welcome. It's a long hard road but you are in the right place. Everyone here has been through similar emotions and experiences. You are not alone and you have taken the first step towards being free from her craziness. Things do get better and you will find peace again, it just may take awhile. x x