Just got a long email from ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exdBPDgf and I have been broken up for just a little while.  I got tired of the constant blame and shame game.  Well today she sent this long email asking for forgiveness for everything she has done to me.  She went on to say that she hopes i find love and happiness with someone else because she knows that the dream of being with me is over.  She asked me to forgive her for all the anger and blame she put on me.  I find this really strange that she is telling me this, because in our relationship she never apologized for anything.  Is she looking for a response or is this just more manipulation and guilt?  I don't know what to think?  Do I respond or just let it go?  My gut tells me to just ignore it and keep no contact. 

[WhoMe51]

My exdBPDgf and I have been broken up for just a little while.  I got tired of the constant blame and shame game.  Well today she sent this long email asking for forgiveness for everything she has done to me.  She went on to say that she hopes i find love and happiness with someone else because she knows that the dream of being with me is over.  She asked me to forgive her for all the anger and blame she put on me.  I find this really strange that she is telling me this, because in our relationship she never apologized for anything.  Is she looking for a response or is this just more manipulation and guilt?  I don't know what to think?  Do I respond or just let it go?  My gut tells me to just ignore it and keep no contact. 

[Copperfox]

It does sound like a typical recycle attempt, but who knows, perhaps it is her attempt at closure.  There are a few stories of the latter on these boards.

How long since your breakup?  How long NC?

[Tim300]

If your r/s got to the point of death threats, career annihilation, false police reports, cheating with your friends, etc., I would stay NC.  Otherwise, I would maybe just give a cordial response and let it go, hoping that this will give her some peace and that she won't cause any more problems.

[Mike-X]

Tough question. What are your pros and cons for responding?

[forgetthepast]

I have to say that this sounds very familiar.  I also received the "I pray you find happiness and true love" gesture.  I can tell you straight out that she doesn't mean it.  It is just words and she will say something grandiose like this because she feels she is obligated.

She knows she hurt you.  BPD or not, she knows she hurt you, but this is for her benefit, not yours.  It's temporary self-soothing, so if I were you, I wouldn't take her statement to heart.  I can tell you from experience, as soon as you establish any kind of communication, the blame game will start and she won't be blaming herself, she will be blaming you for all that went wrong in the relationship.  Like you said, if she were truly sorry for what she put you through, she would have sincerely apologized during the relationship.  Something she could not and would not sincerely do.

Looking back, if I had to do it all over again, I would not have established any future contact.  I would have moved on with my life and forgot she was ever a part of it.  Hindsight is 20/20, but I speak from experience.

[almostmarried]

My ex-BPD-girlfriend did exactly the same.I quit my job and relocated from Europe to the US,to be with her.

After 2 weeks she painted me black. I went back to Europe.

THEY NEVER NEVER NEVER CHANGE !

[WhoMe51]

I broke up with her over a week ago and no contact since.  So it hasn't been that long. 

[antelope]

My gut tells me to just ignore it and keep no contact. 

your gut has probably told you A LOT of things during the course of your relationship that in the end were quite accurate... .from here on, when dealing with your ex BPD, listen to your gut!

[Copperfox]

That is a short time frame, WhoMe.  Do you want contact?  Do you think she's trying to play mind games with you?  Was she manipulative during the relationship? You know her better that any of us on here.

Antelope has a good point about trusting your instincts.

[paperlung]

I received a similar email after 4 months of NC after the final breakup.

You can read about it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=204885.0

I think the replies might be helpful for you. I basically took the email as closure and then moved on after that. I did not reply to her.

[mitchell16]

most likely a recycle attempt. Ive haved received this type type letter, email and text over the last 3 years ive lost count in the past It always led us back to a recycle. I would believe that she was really sorry, had seen the light and we would really be making a honest go of it. BUt what would happen everytime was, recycle and with in 3 to 6 weeks her old behavior showed right back up and then when I asked her about all those things she had said she would either deny she said it or would say she was just lonely that night when she said all that etc... .This last time I have gotten that same message about 3 times since I have been NC and when I dont respond with a few days i would get another email or text and It was off the wall vulgar, calling me names, insults etc... almost like a child that didnt get their way throwing a temper tantrum.

[anxiety5]

Delete it. Go into your email settings, and add that address to the blocked list. Click Save.

There are unknowns in life and there are certainties. It's wise to pay attention to these things, they are wise. They can save you grief. The person contacting you is someone who is emotionally abusive. There is a pathology at play. You can fix a broken lamp, but not a broken soul. That doesn't mean she's a bad person, but it means you can't and you shouldn't have any relationship with someone who had such little respect for you. 10 days, 10 years. Time does not make it ok. If you respond, you are starting the game again. You owe someone that treats you like garbage nothing. Not time, not energy not a reply to an email.

At the risk of oversimplifying things, I'm actually carrying out what I'm preaching here. If you want a happy and good life, make good decisions based off your brain, not your heart. Sometimes the best thing for you may make you feel the worst. But that's the way it should be. If it weren't we'd all eat cheeseburgers all day, and do drugs, because they "feel" good. But our brains remind us what the end result will be from this temporary satisfaction of fulfillment. Good decisions lead to a good life. Bad decisions lead to a bad life. The more good people you have around you and the less bad people you have around you will enhance your life, and put you into better situations, opportunities, and you will be happier.

It's really that simple. Why do we have to make it more complicated than that?

[Infared]

My exdBPDgf and I have been broken up for just a little while.  I got tired of the constant blame and shame game.  Well today she sent this long email asking for forgiveness for everything she has done to me.  She went on to say that she hopes i find love and happiness with someone else because she knows that the dream of being with me is over.  She asked me to forgive her for all the anger and blame she put on me.  I find this really strange that she is telling me this, because in our relationship she never apologized for anything.  Is she looking for a response or is this just more manipulation and guilt?  I don't know what to think?  :)o I respond or just let it go?  My gut tells me to just ignore it and keep no contact.  

Love yourself and follow your gut.

[WhoMe51]

So I got the email and I didn't respond.  I followed my head and not my heart.  Deep down I could feel another recycle attempt and in the past I have to admit that  I have given in.  But it always led to another abusive breakup.  So this time I wanted something different.  I appreciate the comments and things that were said.  I have been doing this dance for a long time and I want to do it differently than before.  I am tired of being blamed for everything that has gone wrong in our relationship.  And I know that this would continue if I were to answer the emails.  I had to draw a line in the sand and say, "hey you can't treat me like that anymore.  I don't deserve it."  She sent several more last night since I didn't respond.  They were filled with rage and blame.  The last one she sent tugged at my heart but I remained strong and deleted it.  It's like my brother said last night that people don't change in a week.  So thank you for the encouragement. 

[hope2727]

I broke up with her over a week ago and no contact since.  So it hasn't been that long. 

I got one of these too. Look closely though and you may find there is a little poor me in between the lines. I think you did well not to respond. I know that my apology was followed by more letters full of rage and then depression then apology then rage then suicidal depression then ... .see a pattern? It a cycle. Every time I responded I got the next turn of the cycle. So I just quit and its been quiet since.

Just be careful and protect yourself. 

[usernorm]

Mine did the same. And she talked about how much she had improved (by going off all meds?). I was cordial but nothing more. I don't really bother to hide my skepticism at this point.

Anyhow, I have noticed that any time I'm in a good mood or chatty online, she might show up, like she is always looking for an inroad. So in the end I felt I just had to ditch my favorite online hangout and all my friends there to fully go NC. Oh well. It's been 21 days so far.

I know I made the right choice. All I have to do is remind myself of all the things she does.

When she ran off with the latest beau of the trimester, I did nothing to interfere. Instead I saw it as my chance to escape, and initiated the slow-fade. That was when she decided being friends with me wasn't enough. Suddenly her feelings for me were "really intense". Funny timing, that.