Starting the process... beginning to feel it.

[jedimaster]

After a lot of soul-searching, I have decided I need to start preparing for the divorce process.  I have found a local lawyer and will be calling this week to set an initial consultation.  We are in the midst of some home construction so I can't do anything until the house is in salable condition, which gives me a few months to get ready.  But I need to be preparing now due the the probability of a high-conflict case when dealing with BPD.  I am doing and will continue to do my best not to tip my hand as I get prepared, financially and otherwise.  I plan to be ready to file when the construction is completed.

After months of mental "what-if" games, the reality of taking concrete steps to end my marriage is starting to sink in.  I'm trying to be aware of my feelings and work through them.  It's more than a little depressing, and I am dealing with my own depression already, brought on by the stress of living with my uBPDw.  It was as I began to work on my own issues that I realized I cannot continue in this marriage if I am going to be whole and healthy.

I suppose I am putting this out here as a way of working through my own thoughts as much as anything.  But I am open to any thoughts anyone has to contribute.  What do you do with the feelings that you are abandoning the r/s? 

Unfortunately one of the easiest ways to alleviate the sad feelings is to think about how I've been treated all these years.  But I don't want to always think of a divorce in terms of revenge; in spite of how she treats me, she has a serious mental illness.  I do allow myself a little bit of those feelings, because I have been truly hurt by her.  But I don't want to be consumed by that; I am determined to take a high road.  (Not that I won't fight as hard as need be if she escalates things during the divorce.)

Anybody else deal with these feelings/issues?  What helps you?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Sorry you are going through this.  It seems as if you have given the decision careful consideration.  Keep working through your feelings. 

[propunchingbag]

Just another thought... .

Make sure the things that are true keepsakes are boxed and out so that she does not use them as bartering chips. I have read about many people breaking up with BPD partners and having things held hostage until demands are met, or as a way to pull you back in when you try to go no contact.

Best of luck!

[enlighten me]

Hi jedi

been there myself. Not divorce but with leaving my exgf. I got to the point that I just wanted her to do something so I could leave.

Its an awful place to be when you know its over but cant go. You feel guilty. You feel like a failure.

I hate to say this but it will get harder. But for your own health you have to push through it. Slowly it will get easier and then the recovery will speed up.

One piece of advice is get important documents and move them somewhere safe. You mortgage, pension, utilities etc. It will save you having to make contact to get it at a time that will be stressful enough.

[JohnLove]

What helped me?. Video or audio recordings and SMS messages or emails that clearly show the abuse. Consider documenting everything. My lawyer advised a diary which is very beneficial when recalling incidences and date of such. I couldn't do it as it would do my head in to relive the abuse. I couldn't articulate the abuse and would go on. It is still good advice.

[jedimaster]

Just another thought... .

Make sure the things that are true keepsakes are boxed and out so that she does not use them as bartering chips. I have read about many people breaking up with BPD partners and having things held hostage until demands are met, or as a way to pull you back in when you try to go no contact.

Best of luck!

About to start working on that.  We have a storage unit where our kitchen cabinets, etc, are stored till the construction is ready for them.  I handle the bills including that rental.  When the cabinets come out I'm going to keep the unit and start gradually taking my things over there.  We are supposed to be doing a lot of cleaning and rearranging when the addition gets opened up, so it shouldn't be hard to blend that in with the other work. I'm to the point that there's not much she could hold that I wouldn't be willing to part with to get out.

[jedimaster]

Hi jedi

been there myself. Not divorce but with leaving my exgf. I got to the point that I just wanted her to do something so I could leave.

Its an awful place to be when you know its over but cant go. You feel guilty. You feel like a failure.

I hate to say this but it will get harder. But for your own health you have to push through it. Slowly it will get easier and then the recovery will speed up.

One piece of advice is get important documents and move them somewhere safe. You mortgage, pension, utilities etc. It will save you having to make contact to get it at a time that will be stressful enough.

I pay the bills and pretty much do it all online.  In the process of consolidating things and getting stuff to a safe place.  Thanks!

[jedimaster]

What helped me?. Video or audio recordings and SMS messages or emails that clearly show the abuse. Consider documenting everything. My lawyer advised a diary which is very beneficial when recalling incidences and date of such. I couldn't do it as it would do my head in to relive the abuse. I couldn't articulate the abuse and would go on. It is still good advice.

I recently started working on these.  I have a recorder on my laptop and I usually sit with the screen facing away from her in the evenings when we are together, which is when a lot of the crazy happens.  When things get weird I've started discreetly clicking the record button and let it run.  I'm storing in a secure place in the cloud in case something happens to my computer.  Also documenting other activity, comings/goings, etc.  You're right; going back over it, even mentally, is hard but it does help keep me focused on the end goal.

I have talked about this with my T but have not yet shared with my support group.  Probably going to do that this week when we meet.

[jedimaster]

Found a lawyer and have an initial consultation next week.  We'll see how things play out from here.  At this point I'm still probably a few months away from filing or letting her know anything is going on.  I just want to get my ducks in a row beforehand, and I need some advice on how to proceed.  Still, it's getting less and less hypothetical.  I'm feeling better, but when the reality started sinking in it was a bit overwhelming.  It felt uncomfortably like it used to before I started taking care of myself and learning about BPD.

[KateCat]

The legal board is a great place for logistic advice. But it sounds as though you are already proceeding as advisors on that board might recommend. Documenting calmly, and taking legal advice in preparation for the next phase.

For the emotional part, I hope you and all the guys in situations like your own take comfort in how much service you've been to so many people, for so long. Your two sons, your wife, maybe even your wife's parents (are they still living? If so, they have benefited from the strong, calm man who has been in their daughter's life for so long). I even noticed you and your own father work together on some projects. And then there's the Special Olympics service you do for your larger community. How much you've done for so many!

I wish none of you guys felt any guilt at all, but I know that you all do. And yet you will overcome it, and things will find that "new normal" one day. And you will continue to be a man of honor and service.

It sounds as though you are at the stage that some have called "gray rock" in your interactions with your wife. As boring and unrattled as possible, in order to reduce conflict to a bare minimum and to bide your time. If that's the case, then you're wise, too, to plan to shift gears fairly soon, as "gray rock" isn't a good long-term solution for anyone.

I know that great sense of humor you have is being tested, but keep the faith. 

[jedimaster]

It sounds as though you are at the stage that some have called "gray rock" in your interactions with your wife. As boring and unrattled as possible, in order to reduce conflict to a bare minimum and to bide your time. If that's the case, then you're wise, too, to plan to shift gears fairly soon, as "gray rock" isn't a good long-term solution for anyone.

Thanks, KateCat. (I notice cats are a common reference on here as avatars or screen names.  Maybe it's their Zen-like qualities?)  I've never heard the term "gray rock" before, but that is exactly where I am right now.  Don't want to rock the boat.  As you know pwBPD can't stand boats that don't rock so she'll eventually stand up and start jumping in ours, but I don't want to be the one to start things.  I agree it's not a long term solution.  That is exactly the thinking that has led me to make plans to leave.  I can't see being a gray rock for the rest of my life. 

Thanks for your other comments as well.  My father-in-law is deceased, but my mother-in-law lives with us.  My wife is nominally her caretaker, but she has painted her mother black and I find myself sometimes running interference to keep my wife from being mean to her.  She grudgingly takes her mother to the beauty shop and out to eat once a week, and tells the whole world she's a "full-time caregiver."  My parents live nearby and have been my rock through all of this.  We actually have three sons; in addition to our oldest with special needs, we have one who is married and lives out of state, and the youngest who lives at home and has about another year of culinary school before he is on his own.  Between school and working almost full-time, he manages to stay out of the way enough to avoid the madness.  But he is fully aware of the situation and is focusing on getting his school finished ASAP so he can get out when necessary.  I have family who can take him in if he needs a place to stay while he finishes school. 

The Special Olympics work is truly satisfying and is one of the things that keeps me sane!   

[KateCat]

Mmm, a third son in culinary school (yum!). Your wife must indeed have had good qualities as a mother since her son has the self-confidence to choose a personal path like this rather than something "of the moment" like, say, internet security. 

Also, the both of you still have a pretty full house and life. So your wife, even when she is your ex, won't be all alone or anything like that.

A friend of mine, about ten years your senior, is going to have a much harder path if he does proceed to the divorce he seems desperately to desire. Both his kids are grown and living in other states, and his wife has been through alcohol rehab, and then alcohol detox, and still there's no bottom to her decline. Maybe he simply can't separate now.