Reminder to self: he resents me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've come to finally accept that my exUBPD has probably nv love me the same way as I love him. And he probably has lots of resentment towards me, tt's why he left. Even though he's the one who left, and is adament abt leaving, he still blames me for destroying his life. I couldn't uds that at this at first - how can I be the one who destroyed his life when it wasn't even me who wanted to leave? Then I finally get it. He left me because he resents me for many many things. Things that he got irrationally, overly sensitive w due to his own issue. And he blames me for being who I am, for causing the resentment, for the breakup.

I've been spending all waking min repeating this logic in my mind to remind myself that there is no way, no way that I can make him see how much I love him. And there is no way that I can make him love me because I can't take away his resentment towards me. And i must, must stop having hopes.

He resents me.

[peace_seeker]

I've come to finally accept that my exUBPD has probably nv love me the same way as I love him. And he probably has lots of resentment towards me, tt's why he left. Even though he's the one who left, and is adament abt leaving, he still blames me for destroying his life. I couldn't uds that at this at first - how can I be the one who destroyed his life when it wasn't even me who wanted to leave? Then I finally get it. He left me because he resents me for many many things. Things that he got irrationally, overly sensitive w due to his own issue. And he blames me for being who I am, for causing the resentment, for the breakup.

I've been spending all waking min repeating this logic in my mind to remind myself that there is no way, no way that I can make him see how much I love him. And there is no way that I can make him love me because I can't take away his resentment towards me. And i must, must stop having hopes.

He resents me.

[CloseToFreedom]

Same here peace seeker. It's so easy to think that: well, deep down I still love her! So she must feel the same!

But that's not how it works. She made very clear in our last contact through email that she hated, hated, HATED me. I made her 10 years older, I was a cancer on her life. She HATED me.

Very difficult to remember. And also very confusing as to why I still love someone who thinks about me like that.

[peace_seeker]

Same here peace seeker. It's so easy to think that: well, deep down I still love her! So she must feel the same!

But that's not how it works. She made very clear in our last contact through email that she hated, hated, HATED me. I made her 10 years older, I was a cancer on her life. She HATED me.

Very difficult to remember. And also very confusing as to why I still love someone who thinks about me like that.

Exactly my thoughs too. It's soo easy to think that he still loves me, and one day the resentment will evaporate and he will come back. Tough luck.

My ex did the same too. His last text to me was filled with hatred, telling me that he hates me, he will remember me as the most selfish partner he ever had, I destroyed his life, and he HATES me.

WHY. WHY do we fall for people like them? Why is it that they are so abusive towards us, but yet we just can't bring ourselves to hate them back and move on?

Very difficult to process. Very difficult to remember. Very difficult to understand.

[drummerboy]

It's no use trying to figure them out, cuckoo land! My ex smothered me, love bombed me for 5 months, called me the man of her dreams etc etc   and then set fire to the r/s in a heartbeat and went 100% NC.  A mutual friend later told me that she went into a deep debilitating depression over the end of our r/s, a r/s that SHE ended herself, go figure! She now hates every fibre of my being according to this mutual friend. Over the top love, over the top hate. Just like the BPD handbook says, black or white.

Me? I don't hate her, don't love her, just indifferent now.

[peace_seeker]

It's no use trying to figure them out, cuckoo land! My ex smothered me, love bombed me for 5 months, called me the man of her dreams etc etc   and then set fire to the r/s in a heartbeat and went 100% NC.  A mutual friend later told me that she went into a deep debilitating depression over the end of our r/s, a r/s that SHE ended herself, go figure! She now hates every fibre of my being according to this mutual friend. Over the top love, over the top hate. Just like the BPD handbook says, black or white.

Me? I don't hate her, don't love her, just indifferent now.

Black or white. Indeed. Glad that u are able to stay indifferent now. I hope I'll be able shake off the pain soon & at least be indifferent soon.

[downwhim]

Peace_seeker,

I feel your pain. I am lying awake at 3:00am on this board for help. I too cannot quit thinking of him and try and be in the moment. Yes, why do we love them when they ended it and hate us?

It is a question that is so complicated. Our need, our co dependency. I sit here and think, like before he will be back. Nope, this time it was an engagement he broke and he said it is OVER. He wants nothing to do with me. He I am sure is not in a depression or is he up thinking about me.

I too look forward to the day I find indifference. He has captured my spirit and I too want to be free.

I thought dating sites might help. Just made it worse. I really am not ready to hunt down a replacement like they do. Not that easy for us to do.

He said we need to MOVE ON. I really hate seeing those words. It is so hard to do and I think time is our only answer.  

[oortcloud]

I'm in the same boat as all of you. It both infuriates and makes me cry at how I have been discarded, told I that I am now a NOBODY, and treated like I never existed. I haven't done anything to deserve this (I wasn't the one to end the r/s either) and it's the most difficult breakup I've ever been through.

[Seriously?]

I just spent three days back in communication with my husband.  I can say now that he undermined my healthy boundaries in every way he could. It did not work for him like it did before. The difference is in me. It was just not worth it to me to appease him at my own expense. I was open to hearing him out and even trying to reconcile if he would meet me in the middle. He wouldn't and probably has no idea why I could or would walk away with my dignity and sense of self in tact. Had I not grown and learned while we were.apart for 7 months, I would probably be in a state of confusion and despair right now. As it is, I am grateful to have seen him in action now that the FOG has lifted. It was very telling and validating to see his traits but not have them ruin me emotionally.

[antelope]

no, he doesn't resent you

no, they don't hate you

no, they don't believe you've ruined their life

etc, etc


it is themselves they hate... .it is themselves they resent... .and it is their own life which is once again in shambles and in transition

'I hate you' is really a projection, b/c they have destroyed yet another supply of love and need.  They cannot own any negative feelings about themselves, so they tend to dramatically throw the negativity onto us nons, and make us own it.

Now, in time, you'll come to ask yourself the far more important question which is: did I really love them?  and if so, who exactly did I fall in love with?  what happened to that person, and more importantly, what happened to me?

but for now, understand he doesn't resent you... .he resents himself, and fact he has yet, another, failed relationship under his belt

[hope2727]

no, he doesn't resent you

no, they don't hate you

no, they don't believe you've ruined their life

etc, etc


it is themselves they hate... .it is themselves they resent... .and it is their own life which is once again in shambles and in transition

'I hate you' is really a projection, b/c they have destroyed yet another supply of love and need.  They cannot own any negative feelings about themselves, so they tend to dramatically throw the negativity onto us nons, and make us own it.

Now, in time, you'll come to ask yourself the far more important question which is: did I really love them?  and if so, who exactly did I fall in love with?  what happened to that person, and more importantly, what happened to me?

but for now, understand he doesn't resent you... .he resents himself, and fact he has yet, another, failed relationship under his belt

Thank you this helps so much today.

[Copperfox]

no, he doesn't resent you

no, they don't hate you

no, they don't believe you've ruined their life

etc, etc


it is themselves they hate... .it is themselves they resent... .and it is their own life which is once again in shambles and in transition

'I hate you' is really a projection, b/c they have destroyed yet another supply of love and need.  They cannot own any negative feelings about themselves, so they tend to dramatically throw the negativity onto us nons, and make us own it.

Now, in time, you'll come to ask yourself the far more important question which is: did I really love them?  and if so, who exactly did I fall in love with?  what happened to that person, and more importantly, what happened to me?

but for now, understand he doesn't resent you... .he resents himself, and fact he has yet, another, failed relationship under his belt

Yep, this^ times 1000.  Well said.  Remember that the more negatively they react, the more they push you away, the more they paint you black, then the closer you got.

People don't react so strongly unless they care strongly.

[ShadowIntheNight]

no, he doesn't resent you

no, they don't hate you

no, they don't believe you've ruined their life

etc, etc


it is themselves they hate... .it is themselves they resent... .and it is their own life which is once again in shambles and in transition

'I hate you' is really a projection, b/c they have destroyed yet another supply of love and need.  They cannot own any negative feelings about themselves, so they tend to dramatically throw the negativity onto us nons, and make us own it.

Now, in time, you'll come to ask yourself the far more important question which is: did I really love them?  and if so, who exactly did I fall in love with?  what happened to that person, and more importantly, what happened to me?

but for now, understand he doesn't resent you... .he resents himself, and fact he has yet, another, failed relationship under his belt

Yep, this^ times 1000.  Well said.  Remember that the more negatively they react, the more they push you away, the more they paint you black, then the closer you got.

People don't react so strongly unless they care strongly.

"People don't react so strongly unless they care strongly." This may be true, but sadly it brings me absolutely no comfort. I know how much she loved me. I even know the reason she typed the b/u note she mailed to me in a birthday card: she knew she couldn't write it by hand and by typing it she was disassociating the part of her that truly loved me from the ass that did what she did the way she did it. BTW, the note was separate from the bday card. She SIGNED the card "Love," and then her name. There was no salutation other than her name typed on the b/u note.

And yes, she resented me because she had to work and I didn't. Well I still haven't worked in 6 months (don't and won't have to) and she has two jobs. But hey, if the thing with her new b/f works out, she'll only have to work the one. And take care of him. Oh wait, that's still two jobs... .

[peace_seeker]

it is themselves they hate... .it is themselves they resent... .and it is their own life which is once again in shambles and in transition

'I hate you' is really a projection, b/c they have destroyed yet another supply of love and need.  They cannot own any negative feelings about themselves, so they tend to dramatically throw the negativity onto us nons, and make us own it.

HI Antelope,

Thanks for this, it helps to remind myself that yes, the problem is not with us, it’s with him.

But personally, I think it doesn’t make a difference whether he resents me, or his resentment towards me is a just a projection. Because they will never recognize that it’s a projection, so from their pt of view, they basically hate us and that’s all I need to know to avoid any more false hope of him ever coming back.

It is a tough reality to swallow especially when it’s something so confusing. I want him, but he doesn’t want me, because he thinks I don’t love him enough and he hates me for it. I can only force this fact into my brain.

Now, in time, you'll come to ask yourself the far more important question which is: did I really love them?  and if so, who exactly did I fall in love with?  what happened to that person, and more importantly, what happened to me?

Sadly, I think I really love him. For who is he, even though he can be emotionally abusive. I have somehow come to accept that. And this ‘blinded’ love for him makes me wonder about your 2nd qns – what happened to me? Am I suffering because I really love him that much and it hurts that I’ve lost a soul mate forever, or am I suffering because I’m conditioned to think in a certain way that makes me believe that he’s the one that I need to have?

I am still trying to find my answer. Emotionally, I still feel that he is the one. But rationally, I’m trying to tell myself that he cannot be the one. If not, we wouldn’t be where we are today. If he is the one, he wouldn’t have discarded me the way he did. Still trying to get this into my head.