He's severely degraded my sense of self and convinced others I'm the problem

[misuniadziubek]

I'm at a point where I feel like I'm standing on a raft in the middle of the sea trying not to teeter over the edge.

I think part of it has been that I've started going to a group therapy sort of workshop to handle my generalized anxiety disorder and I've been severely experiencing a lot of repressed emotions coming to the surface. This has altered my sense of self and reality for a bit. It's also made it easier for my uBPDbf to get to me.

I had a nervous breakdown last weekend over a couple hours after I locked my uBPDbf out of the car and he threatened to not see me for a few weeks because 'who could be that dumb" and I needed to think about things. The next day, I woke up feeling normal again. My psych tells me that level of severity is normal when going through the program. Until I did this program, I didn't realise how much my anxiety impedes my life, and how my uBPDbf triggers it more intensely than anyone to the point that I am not capable of rational decisions or normal reactions.

It's opened up the gates for him to become a new level of emotionally abusive to me.

He's now repeatedly told me that he feels like he's in a relationship with a child that he has to parent. I'm 26 and I still live with my parents while holding down an oncall job at a cafeteria that pays me minimum wage. I was in medical school abroad for 5 years, but barely finished half my degree because of what became increasingly paralysing anxiety, so technically I only have a high school diploma. He regularly points out that I wasn't smart/mature/ capable of finishing, that I did school on my parents dime and so on. That I was too immature to quit when I knew things were going badly.

He's 24. Quit college a couple months in because of a suicide attempt that left him in the psych ward for a week when he was 19. He moved out of his mom's house when he was 17 and has been semi-successfully living on his own since then, jumping from jobs until he met me. He went back to school 6 months ago, which he claims was motivated by this relationship, because he wants to be someone better for me. He says at least he knew to quit school early enough to not mess up his life.

He tells me regularly now that I'm the one that is unstable, that he realised recently that I am in fact, much less intelligent than him. Tha any time I try to explain some sort of medical topic, he instantly filters me out, because I never got that degree, because I probably read some article on the internet and am spewing quackery. He gives zero credibility to anything I say. He points out how socially awkward I am with his friends. How even they point out that I keep going when I talk, boring them to bits.

He also bases this on stupid things I've done. Like not being able to find the lever to pull his seat back. And when I really analyse that situation in particular, I know that when I am anxious, and I get anxious everytime he asks me to do something, I can't analyse anything properly. I can't find levers. I'm too emotional and in my head to be rational or possess critical thinking. He tells me regularly that I must have missed the class on critical thinking in elementary school because I can't do simple logical things. He sent me an article on irrational ideas last weekend. I pointed out which ones he possesses. He got mad and told me I can't justify willful ignorance. I could see why he had gotten the article from a school counselor though. It talked about a LOT of things that he has issues with, but generally I'd say it's helpful for anyone.

Then there is his roommate. She's 37, and drives buses and does personal support for geriatric patients. She's not home a lot but when she is, she's very particular on how she wants the apartment to look and so on. She has told me before that she recognises the dynamics of our relationship, because she spent 13 years with someone who treated her the way uBPDbf treats me. She has expressed understanding towards me when I deal with him. But then recently somehow things have changed. She told me that she doesn't think my uBPDbf should ask me to do things, since it frustrates him out of his mind if I don't do it exactly as he wants.

This is the part that confuses me the most and has left me feeling ridiculously insecure. I checked the text messages she has sent to him.  I don't usually do that, because he's pretty straight with me, but I needed to know if he was exaggerating about how she felt. They tore me apart. It was actually her saying to him that he should be with someone who is his equal and not a child. That I'm kidding myself if I don't think that these things are an issue. (Locking him out of his car, not knowing where the seat lever was) That most of the time, she can hear me yelling in our arguments, but rarely him, so it's obvious who is the problem.  That just because you're louder doesn't make you win the argument. With regards to that last part, he knows exactly how to talk to me to make me become defensive enough to go insane, but I still try to keep it down.

So that's it. I'm wondering if I'm delusional at this point. He has become clingier than usual towards me. He will tell me that I'm immature, socially akward, obviously a lot less intelligent but he has come to terms with it and still loves me and then try to hug me. And I'm experiencing so much cognitive dissonance with that. You can't tear me to shreds, question everything about me. Make me feel like I'm the most useless dumbest piece of sh** incapable of breathing and then comfort me and tell me you care about me.

It's like the most severe form of emotional abuse at this point. And I don't know how to defend myself. He tells me he does these sorts of things because he loves me. That he settles for my inadequacies because he loves me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Please read all the information you can about BPD as well as the lessons on this site.

This feels like emotional abuse, because- what you are describing- the verbal put downs, is emotional abuse.

You feel confused because you are believing in his reality- his put downs, but just because he says them doesn't mean they are true. Even if he recruited his room mate to believe him, that doesn't mean it is true.

It is good you are in therapy to learn more about yourself and to become emotionally healthier.

You also have choices, to stay in a relationship that feel abusive to you, or to not stay. However, continuing to take care of yourself will help you decide. I hope you are also discussing this relationship with your psychiatrist to also get support for your feelings.

[HappyNihilist]

     

misuniadziubek, I'm so sorry you're going through this with your bf. I agree with Notwendy - it feels like emotional abuse because it is. You don't deserve this. This is his reality, not yours.

Have you discussed your relationship with your psych?

I know that when I am anxious, and I get anxious everytime he asks me to do something, I can't analyse anything properly. I can't find levers. I'm too emotional and in my head to be rational or possess critical thinking.

This makes perfect sense. My exBPDbf treated me in similar fashion, and I responded the same way. He would work me up into an emotional state where I couldn't think straight - and then berate me for not thinking rationally, accusing me of "playing dumb" to manipulate him.

The lessons and information that Notwendy referred to will be very helpful in understanding BPD and BPD relationships, and learning how to deal with emotionally charged, triggering situations.

I know reading those text messages had to hurt.  Just because his roommate is encouraging his distorted reality doesn't make it true. This is a woman with a history of dating men like your uBPDbf - probably he has charmed her into being on his side.

You are doing hard work on yourself to become stronger and healthier emotionally. Part of that will involve looking at all of the relationships in your life and deciding whether or not they are healthy for you. Keep on taking care of yourself and discovering yourself.  

[misuniadziubek]

Please read all the information you can about BPD as well as the lessons on this site.

This feels like emotional abuse, because- what you are describing- the verbal put downs, is emotional abuse.

You feel confused because you are believing in his reality- his put downs, but just because he says them doesn't mean they are true. Even if he recruited his room mate to believe him, that doesn't mean it is true.

It is good you are in therapy to learn more about yourself and to become emotionally healthier.

You also have choices, to stay in a relationship that feel abusive to you, or to not stay. However, continuing to take care of yourself will help you decide. I hope you are also discussing this relationship with your psychiatrist to also get support for your feelings.

It's not a one-on-one therapy thing. It's more of a group thing for improving coping with anxiety. So there isn't really anyone I can talk to that won't be biased, which is why I feel so alone in this. The roommate thing, especially, got to me. She's been so understanding towards what I have to deal with, with him, and now that all seems like a lie. So again, I'm really alone.

I know what he tells me isn't true. I've come a very long way from the person I was when we first started dating to the person I am now. He uses that as evidence that it took me over a year to become better, meaning that I'm not as intelligent as a normal person should be. It's like... what? That makes no sense. Growing as a person takes time.

I've become more independent, I count on myself to make decisions. When I need help, I seek it out. I'm never late anywhere anymore. I'm stronger and more resilient than I ever was.

Nonetheless the events of the past two weeks have etched away at me. I'm at a moment where I feel weak. I need support. When I try to talk to him, he just repeats that he feels like he's dealing with a kid and indirectly that my opinions don't matter.

One of the big arguments this weekend was that I need him to tell me the details when we go somewhere. Because I need to mentally prepare myself for social situations. Because I'm socially awkward and have social anxiety. He still refused, and then said that I have the mental age of a kid and you don't tell kids where they are going. I'm like, it doesn't matter how you feel. I'm an adult, I have my own car, I can choose whether or not I come along. He offered to leave me home instead. It's such a silly argument, but I really need him to start telling me things like that.

How do I express and maintain that boundary? To make it explicit that he doesn't get to make decisions for me? I haven't gotten this far to switch from being dependent on my parents to my boyfriend. Again. I feel really low on the self-esteem when he says things like that. My life isn't perfect, but at this point it's how I've chosen it to be.

Seems almost easier to move on and just find someone without BPD.

[Mike-X]

Your posts seem very clear and very well-written to me. You seem very intelligent. You were admitted to medical school, so you have to have had great qualifications to get in. And lots of people wind up leaving school for a wide range of reasons, including stress and anxiety. Retention is a huge problem at universities.

What are you getting out of the relationship? What do you want out of the relationship?

[waverider]

Believe in your own reality. It is just as valid as anyone elses.

it is not a competition as to who can "sell" theirs the better

Learn to set boundaries about his dismissive behavior. You can't stop it but you cant reduce or prevent your exposure to it. A pattern of behavior can only be set if it is allowed to take place. A tip: pwBPD are not overly fond of not having an audience

Avoid triangulation with the flatmate. Her opinion is of no matter. It is her view of reality and will be based at least partly on his twisted reality, and therefore contaminated. Do not get distracted by trying to change, or address, it.

You have only one person to convince... and thats you. Everyone else can believe the moon is made of cheese as far as you are concerned.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Is is abuse. Here are some web sites I found really helpful.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/discouragment.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/subtle_control.html


Please , please read these so you can begin to understand how you are being systematically broken down into his control. You are worthy and deserving of a happy healthy relationship. Please take some space for yourself and maybe print the pages from those two links and take them to your psychologist to discuss.

Oh yes this is another excellent one. 

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/couples_therapy.html

hugs   

[Notwendy]

"Seems almost easier to move on and just find someone without BPD."

You do have this choice, but you also have this one:

"Move on and heal myself"

We tend to pair up, be attracted to, people who match us psychologically in a way. This does not mean there is something wrong with you- I don't want to reinforce the things your BF says to you. They tell me more about who he is than anything about you. However, all of us here are with people with BPD because for some reason, we matched them emotionally.

There are people who leave an abusive relationship and then end up in another. It's your choice to stay in one or to leave, but if you leave, you will gain an opportunity to do some tough work on your self on your own, without having to consider someone else.

We have a woman's shelter in our area for women in abusive relationships. Know that the time of leaving is difficult. If you choose to do this, take steps to protect yourself. Read about leaving such relationships and how to do it so you take care of you. There may be one near you that has information on counselors, groups, abuse that may be of help to you.

However, the work starts once the women are in the shelter- they get counseling and other classes on building skills and self esteem. Some return to the relationship, some heal, and some find another one.

The reason is that "leaving" such a relationship is also about doing some serious personal work. It's a part of "us" that keeps us in dysfunction, and we need to work on that.

You are already doing some good work with your issues. A personal T would be helpful as well.

[Hawk Ridge]

I relate to every entry in this post.  I am a middle aged professional accomplished woman, highly respected, and yet my expwBPD degraded me in almost identical ways, calling me a "child," degrading my intelligence and common sense.  The free spirit she loved in the idealization phase became her bane during the devaluation and discard.  I, for the first time, experienced anxiety attacks after she left me stating simply she did not love me with no explanation.  That left me with nothing but anxiety as I wondered if it was because I was too stupid, too childlike.  As I said, I am very accomplished... .and I let her wound my psyche by believing her disordered thinking.  Its been almost 11 months now and sometimes it still shocks me.  I started to see a T last summer and have continued since.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of the emotional abuse.  I get that it is hard to wrap your head around.  My ex seemed to have her family convinced I was stupid and childlike.  This post helped me understand that it simply triangulation based kn her perceptions as I took the high road and kept my dignity, not fighting her perceptions.  If you are like me, you may struggle with the concept of emotional abuse as sometimes i feel like I should have just been less sensitive, that the level of disrespect we endured was normal.  I am discovering it is not.  I am realizing that I don't treat people that way and i am entitled to receive the same.

I dint know this if this will help but I wanted to share an experience with you.  During the last very difficult psrt of our r/s, i found I was becoming more and more nervous around her so i would rush things, dropping things and becoming more klutzy as a result.  This just added fuel to her fire of me being a child she needed to care for.   Last summer, while in the throes of grief over my discard, I locked my keys in my car accidentally.  I was visiting friends 2 hours from my hime so I didn't have spare keys available.  I called a friend who lived in the area for advice about a locksmith.  I was so afraid my friend would be angry with me, thst she would consider me "childlike" and "unintelligent."  I was almost in tears in my anxiety.  My friend was unfazed.  It was my car, my actions, and my financial burden.  She simply supported me.  This is an example of the PTSD and anxiety as a result of what I now have to admit was emotional abuse.   Take from this what you will.  As most days are better now, I wanted to give you the gift i have received in the last 11 months, the gift of freedom and validation.  You are bright! You are worthy! AND, i bet when you get to the other side, you will give back to others the way those who posted in your entry gave to you and I.  Thank you for posting it and thank you to those who responded to it.  It was a gift of serenity for me and I am grateful.  I will attempt to pay it forward as well.

[misuniadziubek]

It's amazing. Just how on point your message was.

I was reading this as my uBPDso was telling me that I'm childish and that he isn't going to coddle me or put up with my games. I was crying, really upset because I woke up to intense bleeding and go freaked out that there's something seriously wrong. I expected comfort or a hug. Instead I got a lecture that I'm acting like a 5 year old. That I cry at everything. That I need to grow the f""" up and put on my big boy pants.

Sigh.

Plus the fact that we haven't been intimate all weekend. That never happens.

[Mike-X]

It's amazing. Just how on point your message was.

I was reading this as my uBPDso was telling me that I'm childish and that he isn't going to coddle me or put up with my games. I was crying, really upset because I woke up to intense bleeding and go freaked out that there's something seriously wrong. I expected comfort or a hug. Instead I got a lecture that I'm acting like a 5 year old. That I cry at everything. That I need to grow the f""" up and put on my big boy pants.

Sigh.

Plus the fact that we haven't been intimate all weekend. That never happens.

Your feelings are as valid as your SOs and deserving of just as much validation from your SO. Of course, keep in mind that the disorder is associated with difficulty in giving validation. But there is nothing wrong with you for feeling like you want it, and not invalidation, and for feeling like you want support from your partner.

[Notwendy]

Keep in mind that he is probably projecting his negative feelings about himself on to you.

"That I cry at everything. That I need to grow the f""" up and put on my big boy pants."

Many boys are raised not to have soft or vulnerable emotions. "Big boys don't cry". He dislikes that side of himself, and so he projects it on to you.