I dont feel that I will ever be able to trust someone enough to love

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi,

I have never contributed to a blog in my life, but I just wanted to reach out to all those people that are hurting out there.

I dont feel right now that I will ever be able to trust someone enought to love them again. The treatment and behaviour you experience from somone whom you loved so very very much is quite appalling and unbelievablein its brutality

 

I wrote a story call it a fairytale if you will about my imagining a borderline person who magically suddenly understands what they have done to people, the hurt they have caused and a way of putting it right.

I dont believe my ex will ever get to read it, or act on it in any way but they say hope is the last thing to die.

if anyone wants to read it please ask me, I am so sorry that you had to go through or are going through this awfull life altering painful experience. I wish I could mend it for you all.

take one moment at a time if you can.

[mackwester]

Hi,

I have never contributed to a blog in my life, but I just wanted to reach out to all those people that are hurting out there.

I dont feel right now that I will ever be able to trust someone enought to love them again. The treatment and behaviour you experience from somone whom you loved so very very much is quite appalling and unbelievablein its brutality

 

I wrote a story call it a fairytale if you will about my imagining a borderline person who magically suddenly understands what they have done to people, the hurt they have caused and a way of putting it right.

I dont believe my ex will ever get to read it, or act on it in any way but they say hope is the last thing to die.

if anyone wants to read it please ask me, I am so sorry that you had to go through or are going through this awfull life altering painful experience. I wish I could mend it for you all.

take one moment at a time if you can.

[Mutt]

Hi mackwester,



I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad that you have found us. Many members here share similar experiences.

Can you tell us about your ex-partner?

It helps to talk.

[Skip]

What happened?

[sirensong65]

I understand where you are.  I feel the same way.  It's like a part of my died.  The part of me that still believed in good, in romance, in love.

This experience has changed me.  I feel it has affected every aspect of my life.

I feel I am drifting through my life with little hope or joy and a whole lot of anger.

I am actually talking to my doctor in a couple of weeks to see if I can be put on something short term to maybe just "jump start" my enthusiasm.  I have been resistant to medication but even my therapist is saying talking has taken me as far as I can go... .that it is time to talk to a doctor.

Good luck to us all... .

[raisins3142]

I have felt as you describe to some degree a few times in my life, especially now.  So, I identify with what you wrote.

Here is the thing that is comforting me: I can have a full and happy life without ever being in a romantic long term relationship again.

I can have a lot of non-romantic love in my life, surrounded by friends, family, pets, and those I love because I help them (like my students).

I am not empty or unhappy or adrift by default just because I do not have a woman in my life in that way.

Now, my dark, true opinion.  Skip if you don't want it.  But this actually helps me:

This is a more common opinion among men than women (in regards to the prospects of marriage currently in the US), but most marriages end in divorce and of the ones that do not a fair percentage are not particularly functional or happy.  So, if you play by average odds, it is less than 50% and a sucker's bet, if you are quantitatively brutally honest.  Well, a sucker's bet depending upon the conditions to the probability (hey some find a great partner) or how risk or pain averse you are (some are willing to take a big risk and endure pain in order to have a chance).  But, don't feel bad if it just isn't for you overall.  My position now is if I "step on a needle" I'll notice but I'm done "searching through haystacks". 

Of intact marriages, the infidelity rate is climbing and cheating is easier now given technological advances in communication.  Honestly, I have a hard time expecting anyone to be monogamous to me for a long period.  Most of the people capable of that it seems have been snatched up already.

[sirensong65]

Raisins, I feel exactly the same way.  I am beginning to wonder if monogamy is really possible period.  I know I am capable of it. But it seems SO many cheat be it emotionally, or sexually.  I mean with Facebook, texting, Tinder, Grinder, online dating sites. Good Lord, you even have a website just for marrieds to find each other to cheat with... .

Of all the marrieds I know, almost ALL are in some form of misery or just accepting that they are stuck.

Sad really... .

Seems the older generations knew how to keep it together.  For better or worse meant something.  But then again, technology wasn't around and you could drive through to get a divorce.

[downwhim]

I too do not think I will trust anyone again to have a true relationship with. He ruined me.

[raisins3142]

Raisins, I feel exactly the same way.  I am beginning to wonder if monogamy is really possible period.  I know I am capable of it. But it seems SO many cheat be it emotionally, or sexually.  I mean with Facebook, texting, Tinder, Grinder, online dating sites. Good Lord, you even have a website just for marrieds to find each other to cheat with... .

Of all the marrieds I know, almost ALL are in some form of misery or just accepting that they are stuck.

Sad really... .

Seems the older generations knew how to keep it together.  For better or worse meant something.  But then again, technology wasn't around and you could drive through to get a divorce.

The idea of the stable family unit has largely been destroyed in the US.  That is a big culprit when it comes to other negative things we see.  If you look at the rates of substance abuse, crime, etc., it strongly correlates with family life.

We all guested for freedom and enlightenment and stability in case marriages dissolve, but the genie was let out of the bottle.

The social conventions that kept our more animal urges in check so that society could be stable and grow have been eroded (such as the former strong taboos against high levels of promiscuity and cheating on ones SO whether physically or emotionally).  And there is an entire industry that helps people rationalize their own bad decisions so that they will not feel guilty.  Also, real physical (not online ones that can be easily ignored) communities are so fragmented and people are so afraid of each other and a "I don't care what others think at all" attitude so instilled that social disapproval largely has no effect.  When I was a kid, if someone did something heinous in public, people would actually call them out like every time.  Not anymore.  And if someone cheated on their wife and broke up their family, people acted coldly toward them and they felt ostracized.

Then add technological fuel to the fire.

It is utterly depressing.  I stare at 18 to 21 year olds every day in my classrooms that are obsessed with their phones and facebook, are from broken homes, and I doubt many of them know how to behave in order to have a long term and happy relationship.

I'm sorry if all this is negative, but it is my honest opinion about monogamous relationship prospects in 21st century America.  The laurels of our ancestors that we have rested upon have rotted beneath us.

[hope2727]

Well I guess I am the odd wo(man) out here. I am horrified by what I have endured. I am devastated by the permanent damage and turmoil it has done to my life. But i refuse to give up. I still believe. I want to believe. I refuse to not believe.

I am not really ready to start again. I am barely ready to date or even socialize. But I know that I value my core beliefs and one of those is that love and trust are worth sharing. I trust people. I love people.

I have been betrayed by my FOO in ways I can't even explain. I have been abused and betrayed by my ex husband in horrible ways. I have been betrayed by my ex fiancee wBPD at every level. Tonight I am procrastinating from writing a letter to my ex best friend telling him that he too betrayed me and I will never be able to trust him again. But I still believe.

I know I am an honourable trustworthy person. I love with all my heart. I want to work hard and play hard and love hard. I refuse to give up on humanity. I continue to believe.

I will go forward with better knowledge. I will go forward with more comprehension. I will go forward knowing myself better. But I will go forward with hope.

After all ... .all of you guys are out there so I am not alone. There are good people out there. Trustworthy, honourable, loving, supportive people exist. We just need to find one another.


In grade 10 I had to memorize and recite a poem.

I can't remember it all but the part that stuck with me is  ... .

There's a wall between us

Dividing feelings

Confusing meanings

But one day you will find me

Staring at you

Through a Crack in the wall

So look for me through the crack in the wall.  

[raisins3142]

Hope, I nor the people that commiserated were talking about giving up on all of humanity or all trust and all love.  Romantic, sexual relationships are only a small part of that.  So, I don't think it is quite as nihilistic as it seems at first blush. 

[hope2727]

Hope, I nor the people that commiserated were talking about giving up on all of humanity or all trust and all love.  Romantic, sexual relationships are only a small part of that.  So, I don't think it is quite as nihilistic as it seems at first blush. 

True enough and I no way meant to imply it was. I just refuse to give up on romantic love either. Its so worth it to love someone and to be loved. I know it can happen.

I know I will make lots of mistakes getting there. I will be afraid. I will be paranoid. I will want to check their phones to see if they cheated like the other 2 men I love did. I Know I will be insecure when they act distant that they are pulling away. But I know I will be brave enough to walk up to him and say "I am scared. I want to be reassured. I feel the need to verify your love. Help me feel secure." I know he will understand and help me. It will all be worth it in the end. I have to believe that. I have to believe that for everyone here suffering the fallout of our relationships too. I even have to believe it for my ex. I just can't give up hope. It would be giving up on myself.

[Infared]

I just wanted to say that I identify with the feelings on this page.  I still, years later feel shell-shocked from My BPD experience. I know that I crawled out of the bomb crater, repaired and healed (to a degree), but just have no desire to go back to fight in that war.  (Any romantic relationship).

I engage in no social media. I find it all to be quite repulsive, fake and empty.  I observe all of the addicts in their cars (risking my life), blocking the isle in the supermarket, sitting in a self-help group... .(not present, textIng and surfing?) why do they come to the self-help group... don't they see how foolish that they look, um no... .they don't.

I maintain close friendships, I work and maintain good client relationships, I pursue my artwork, and I participate in a self-help group... .I do have a life. ... .but the thought of investing my heart that deeply in another person or years and to come to know this selfish, lying, cheating, abandoner who enjoys deceiving and hurting others (did I get that right?... .um... .yes I did)... I will not ever find that out again... .or live thru that hell. Women can play all there little games on someone ("someones" usually... .all at the same time... hell... .with social media... .it's so much easier now... .whoopee!)... .I find most to be so, so full of BS... .and the motives are just soo soo ugly, shallow, self-centered and fake... .there is just soo much "ick" out there.   I live in NJ... .yes... The state that produced Chris Christy. ... values are shallow here... .the pace is brutal. I dropped out though... .I can stop and observe the birds and duck-dive the chaos... .:-)

I know there are good people out there, too... but this man is done looking for that part of life... .the price of making the wrong choice is not one that I am able or willing to pay... .

Next subject... .

[Infared]

Hope, I nor the people that commiserated were talking about giving up on all of humanity or all trust and all love.  Romantic, sexual relationships are only a small part of that.  So, I don't think it is quite as nihilistic as it seems at first blush.  

[/quote

+1000

Pets are nice too!

[going places]

After the torture my ex put me through, I had one friend I confided in.

She had been my friend for over 30 years.

She's made some sketchy life decisions... .but I loved her all the same.

She 'was' my real estate agent, selling my home for me.

I chose her, even though she was new, because she was my friend and needed the $$.

3 weeks ago, she flipped on me.

Like, a light switch.

I showed my kids the texts / emails... .because no one, I mean NO ONE would have believed what I was saying. IT was that off the chart.

She then 'snuggles up' with my ex, communicating with him... .not me.

Forcing me to email with him to find out what's going on.

He was supposed to close on the house at his lunch hour, and I was supposed to come in and sit w the buyers after ex had left.

I wanted to tell the buyers about the gardens, and the orchard, and the flower beds, etc.

Kind of my closure on the whole deal.

She and I talked several times about this.

She also knows I work nights and I am not available after a certain hour in the after noon.

So she scheduled closing at 4pm, when I could not be there.

Made me come in early, and let him sit with the buyers.

She did that on purpose.

So I lost what I thought was a husband of 25 years, what I thought was my best friend of 30 years, and my home of 11 years.

Yeah, you could say I'm a little gun shy in the 'truth' department.

[downwhim]

After the torture my ex put me through, I had one friend I confided in.

She had been my friend for over 30 years.

She's made some sketchy life decisions... .but I loved her all the same.

She 'was' my real estate agent, selling my home for me.

I chose her, even though she was new, because she was my friend and needed the $$.

3 weeks ago, she flipped on me.

Like, a light switch.

I showed my kids the texts / emails... .because no one, I mean NO ONE would have believed what I was saying. IT was that off the chart.

She then 'snuggles up' with my ex, communicating with him... .not me.

Forcing me to email with him to find out what's going on.

He was supposed to close on the house at his lunch hour, and I was supposed to come in and sit w the buyers after ex had left.

I wanted to tell the buyers about the gardens, and the orchard, and the flower beds, etc.

Kind of my closure on the whole deal.

She and I talked several times about this.

She also knows I work nights and I am not available after a certain hour in the after noon.

So she scheduled closing at 4pm, when I could not be there.

Made me come in early, and let him sit with the buyers.

She did that on purpose.

So I lost what I thought was a husband of 25 years, what I thought was my best friend of 30 years, and my home of 11 years.

Yeah, you could say I'm a little gun shy in the 'truth' department.

Going Places, so very sorry to hear about the betrayal. You will get through this! She is not your friend. Be strong... .

[dobie]

I trusted my xfiance explicitly I don't and can't trust myself now when it comes to a r/s she  was always a scorpion but I projected she was a frog that's mybad .

[lovenature]

I took a chance with my ex. during the worst time of my life, trusting her too much too soon, going against my traditional belief of trust earned over time through what a person says and does. She lied, cheated, manipulated etc., and I stayed way too long and have paid a severe price for it.

I too am worried that if I ever meet a good, healthy woman that I can have a reciprocal relationship with, will I be able to trust her enough in a realistic amount of time to not destroy what might be true love and a life long relationship?  Hopefully my mind and gut instinct will prevail over my soft, weak heart the next time.