Confused,hurt and want off the roller coaster

[Jentastic]

I have been in a romantic relationship for 8 months now. Things were great at first and then the cracks began to show. My s/o is very handsome, musician and just recently moved to my state. I found out later he sold everything came to my state to spend time w his friend, then was going to end his life. He met and pursued me and as he slowly began to open up to me said I saved his life. His story was so sad. I wanted to help him. Now I know everything... .well as much as he will share. He does know he has BPD and others too such as PTSD, OCD, substance abuse and more. After he told me this (he only opens up to me when he is high on something) I started doing research. He has cut all ties with family, friends, ex's (although he still stalks his last gf via social media). He now owes me over 6,000. He came for dinner one weekend and never left. He has lived w me for over 7 months now with his suitcases in my bedroom. As if to say I am ready to go at any moment.

Sex has been awkward. He will go weeks without touching me (but masterbates to porn) and then I found out he was on a dating web site and met a girl... .while living with me! He only wants to have sex w me when high on drugs and even then can't perform or finish unless masterbates. The final straw was a couple of weeks ago. After hours of trying to finish he asks me to lay on my side and I look back and he is looking at porn on his phone while trying to finish himself. I was so hurt and angry.

I am educated, attractive and had a good job. I'm loosing it all... .Lost my job, savings is gone and I'm loosing my mind. He can't hold a job for more than a week and any money he gets goes to drugs (pills, coke, heroin, alcohol).

I have asked him to leave four times... .He says "you know I have no place to go, you really like to see me suffer don't you". Them the suicide threats.

I'm starting to feel depressed and hopeless myself. I'm starting to resent him. I care for him, but he is not the man I want for a life partner. It's exhausting.

He knows he is hurting me but does nothing to make things better.

I'm just so lost.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bloomer]

  I'm so sorry you're in such a rough place! Sounds like you're definitely struggling to cope.

I would highly recommend contacting 911 for suicide threats. I understand how scary that is and also how you might feel very manipulated into staying when this happens. In the end, if he is talking about this and you're that worried, contact help. Don't threaten him with it, just do it. Threatening him with 911 will likely not be helpful.

It doesn't sound like you want to stay. If you do, I don't mean for any of the following to be pushing you to leave. It's just what I read in your post that made it sound like you want out but feel trapped.

Can you move out of the apartment? Like get your stuff together while he's not present with the help of friends/family and exit the situation. If he isn't on your lease can you have him removed? I know these all sound extreme but it sounds like you're in a really unhealthy situation right now, maybe even dangerous, so I want to be sure you're thinking about all your options. If you don't want to be in this situation, you don't have to be. You just need to exit in the safest way possible. 

If you are wanting to stay, there are plenty of tools here to help you through things. There are lessons on the right side of the screen ----------------------->> >> >

And some of those are good for leaving too.

Hang in there and let us know how things are going. 

Bloomer

[ColdEthyl]

I have been in a romantic relationship for 8 months now. Things were great at first and then the cracks began to show. My s/o is very handsome, musician and just recently moved to my state. I found out later he sold everything came to my state to spend time w his friend, then was going to end his life. He met and pursued me and as he slowly began to open up to me said I saved his life. His story was so sad. I wanted to help him. Now I know everything... .well as much as he will share. He does know he has BPD and others too such as PTSD, OCD, substance abuse and more. After he told me this (he only opens up to me when he is high on something) I started doing research. He has cut all ties with family, friends, ex's (although he still stalks his last gf via social media). He now owes me over 6,000. He came for dinner one weekend and never left. He has lived w me for over 7 months now with his suitcases in my bedroom. As if to say I am ready to go at any moment.

Sex has been awkward. He will go weeks without touching me (but masterbates to porn) and then I found out he was on a dating web site and met a girl... .while living with me! He only wants to have sex w me when high on drugs and even then can't perform or finish unless masterbates. The final straw was a couple of weeks ago. After hours of trying to finish he asks me to lay on my side and I look back and he is looking at porn on his phone while trying to finish himself. I was so hurt and angry.

I am educated, attractive and had a good job. I'm loosing it all... .Lost my job, savings is gone and I'm loosing my mind. He can't hold a job for more than a week and any money he gets goes to drugs (pills, coke, heroin, alcohol).

I have asked him to leave four times... .He says "you know I have no place to go, you really like to see me suffer don't you". Them the suicide threats.

I'm starting to feel depressed and hopeless myself. I'm starting to resent him. I care for him, but he is not the man I want for a life partner. It's exhausting.

He knows he is hurting me but does nothing to make things better.

I'm just so lost.

It also sounds to me like you do not want to stay. Sadly... .these are one of those cases where you might have to call police on your own if he doesn't leave and you wish him to. It most likely will get ugly. I am very sorry you found yourself in this position.

[Jentastic]

I own the home. We have barely been speaking for almost a week. He just sits around and looks on the internet at puppies. I said I am not getting a puppy. He replied "that's fine. I will get the dog and we will in the truck. I gave him a timeline to leave and even pointed out rooms he could rent from craigslist.

He complains that I make too much noise when I cut my food after cooking a great meal.

I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in my own home.

Before I knew he has BPD I bought a truck for him. He had me fooled that it would be paid back in a month. I have said just leave me the truck and forget the other money you owe me.

That's when he makes comments suggesting suicide.

He told me he felt sorry for me.

I'm just over it.

[Bloomer]

I think you definitely sound like you don't want to be in this position. You have every right to take legal action. Is the truck in your name as well? You can take that, too. You need to make a plan for when you're going to do this. Those on the "Leaving Board"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0 may have more information on the best plan of action to take from here if you want to pursue that. I feel strongly that you should take action if this is what you want. You're perfectly entitled to have him removed from your home and to take the truck back, if possible. You must be a giver.  And I am so sorry you ended up giving to someone who couldn't appreciate it.   Good luck. I hope you're able to find some peace.

[Jentastic]

I do own the truck and it is in my name.

And yes, I am a giver. In the beginning I truly cared for him, but I have been hurt so many times by this man... .I am starting to not care anymore.

If I take the truck he will literally be walking out the door with what he can carry and I know he will do something bad to himself.

That is why I have not kicked him out.

He is not violent to me. Mostly silent treatment.

[ColdEthyl]

I do own the truck and it is in my name.

And yes, I am a giver. In the beginning I truly cared for him, but I have been hurt so many times by this man... .I am starting to not care anymore.

If I take the truck he will literally be walking out the door with what he can carry and I know he will do something bad to himself.

That is why I have not kicked him out.

He is not violent to me. Mostly silent treatment.

The leaving board will probably help you get him out of there. I am so so sorry this happened to you. I am a giver as well... .I think a lot of us are. Good luck to ya sweety!

I don't wish to give bad advice about how to separate from a pwBPD, so Bloomer's link is the best place to start.