Taking care of ourselves physically

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don't know if it's the right place to put this thread but I figured it fits in this forum section the best.

One thing i'm really an advocate for in general is health and fitness, I know during my own BPD breakup nightmare I let myself go BADLY and ended up looking as bad as i felt.

There's a lot of plusses to being in good shape, you feel better, are healthier, look better, more confident, working out helps reduce stress, and it gives you PURPOSE.

Anyway I have 7 years of amateur boxing, PT licence, bodybuilding experience etc etc.

If anyone want's any help, advice, routines, motivation etc then fire away and i'd be glad to help, it'd be great if we could get a community going where everyone pushes each other along.

Let me know if anyone is interested.

[Infern0]

I don't know if it's the right place to put this thread but I figured it fits in this forum section the best.

One thing i'm really an advocate for in general is health and fitness, I know during my own BPD breakup nightmare I let myself go BADLY and ended up looking as bad as i felt.

There's a lot of plusses to being in good shape, you feel better, are healthier, look better, more confident, working out helps reduce stress, and it gives you PURPOSE.

Anyway I have 7 years of amateur boxing, PT licence, bodybuilding experience etc etc.

If anyone want's any help, advice, routines, motivation etc then fire away and i'd be glad to help, it'd be great if we could get a community going where everyone pushes each other along.

Let me know if anyone is interested.

[Perfidy]

Trusting the intelligence of the body is erasing the marks of poor judgement. As human beings, we're made of parts. The body is one part. What about the other parts?

[maxen]

One thing i'm really an advocate for in general is health and fitness, I know during my own BPD breakup nightmare I let myself go BADLY and ended up looking as bad as i felt.

just got my bloodwork back from my annual, cholesterol went from 115 to 160. this is the result of not eating a dinner of good food purchased with the wife during the weekend, but of relying on fast food. disgraceful.

imo keeping in health is part of emotional recovery. but it's the catch: keeping well helps you recover, but you can't recover because you can't get going to keep well. i'm trying very simple, at-home things, curls with dumbbells, squats, leg lifts, just something. and no more pizza.

[workinprogress]

Physical workouts are a big part of what is keeping me going.

I did a 90 day program from home with dumbbells and it got me in the best shape that I have been in for years.

Now I belong to a gym and I am focusing primarily on lifting.

I have to say that I felt better doing the 90 day, but I am committed to the lifting for another 50 days and then I will change it up.

I have to honestly say that working out has cleared up a lot of my depression and given me more confidence.

[workinprogress]

Maybe I can inspire someone here.  I will be turning 48 in a few short months, and I had gone a good portion of my life wearing myself out trying to take care of everyone else.

When I turned 40 or so, I started jogging.  A big reason that I wanted to get in shape was to see if I couldn't catch my wife's eye and reignite the passion we had a decade or so earlier.  Well, it didn't happen.

After losing 30 pounds from jogging, I decided to try and bulk up.  I added 30 pounds of mostly muscle.

I use a variety of programs and work outs to always keep my body guessing.

Anyway, tonight at the gym, I bench pressed more weight than I have ever been able to do.  The pride and elation I feel over this is overwhelming. 

It's an awesome feeling to embark on a plan and to find success. 

I will back track a bit.  When I started jogging, I could barely run to my mailbox and back.  Just take things slow and set small goals.

[charred]

Need to be working out, no question about it. When I got with my pwBPD... .lost 40 lbs effortlessly, and seemed to turn about 10 yrs younger. Then after the breakup... regained it and some to boot, and one day looked in the mirror and those years came back with compound interest. Finally feel like I am really accepting the reality of the situation, no longer have false hope of things working out with her one day. Still, find I have very little motivation, not depressed, just no longer driven by the false things that used to drive me... .and nothing new to replace them. Years ago when I worked out all the time, it was goal oriented... to lose weight, to get muscles, win over women, be more of an alpha male. None of that drives me now. 

[workinprogress]

Need to be working out, no question about it. When I got with my pwBPD... .lost 40 lbs effortlessly, and seemed to turn about 10 yrs younger. Then after the breakup... regained it and some to boot, and one day looked in the mirror and those years came back with compound interest. Finally feel like I am really accepting the reality of the situation, no longer have false hope of things working out with her one day. Still, find I have very little motivation, not depressed, just no longer driven by the false things that used to drive me... .and nothing new to replace them. Years ago when I worked out all the time, it was goal oriented... to lose weight, to get muscles, win over women, be more of an alpha male. None of that drives me now. 

What worked for me many times when I wasn't motivated was not to think about it to much.  Just put in a work out video and slogged my way through it.  The more you do it, the more momentum you will gain.

Also, keeping an exercise journal with pre-work out moods and post work out moods tends to help.  You can see for yourself how much better you feel after working out.

[Reforming]

Great thread Inferno

i did the hit the gym for in the first six months, but I let things slip a bit after that.

I want to be strong and mobile so I was thinking along the lines of P90X, Max Workouts or freeletics but I have a few niggling injuries, aches and pains in my lower back and knee, which might cause problems for these kind of workouts

So I've been working to sort these these out first by doing  yoga and physio (stretching, foam rolling) for half an hour every day and I also walk around six a day. I've been reading Supple Like a Leopard, which has some great ideas on good form, stretching and rehab.

I was cycling as well- about 20 miles - on alternate days. I was pretty aerobically fit, the knee pain was gone and I lost a couple of stone, (16 kilos), but then I had a smash on the bike in early December that knocked me back for a bit.

Stretching again now and planning to head out for a spin today. I would really like to get back into proper strength training.

Regular exercise really helps to improves my mood and my confidence.

It's not just a question of looking better, which is a big plus, I feel more in control of my life and I have more energy.

Having clear goals and seeing visible progress proves to myself that I can move forward and that rubs off on other areas of my life too

Reforming

[Blimblam]

Yeah I am getting back in shape too slowly.

After the break up I lost somewhere between 30 and 40 pounds.  I had cute girls checking me out.  Then at one point I gained somewhere between 40 and 50!   I lost a lot of mobility so I am working on that first and foremost. 

Reforming I am not sure if you are aware of qigong but it really focusses on becoming aware of subtle energies and your form. Sort of applying qigong to stretching and transitions I think can help you to really become aware of your body mechanics and basically how your body has adapted to gravity and where it has maladaptive kinetic patterns and adhesions. 

[Blimblam]

You ever do any bridging inferno?  I've been getting really into bridging lately, I learned to do it in wrestling in high school. You talked about boxing so I figure you'd be into it too.  Bridging looks pretty scary but for like neck strength and mobility I'm not sure if anything really can compare.

[eyvindr]

Great thread, Infern0 -- thanks for starting it.

I joined a Crossfit gym about 4 years ago. I'm convinced that more than anything else, it's helped keep me from losing my mind -- and very possibly from having some kind of serious health crisis as a result of my r-ship trauma.

Ironically, my ex would tell you that my workout habit "ruined" our relationship.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

When I met my dBPDex I was 29 and around 250lbs.  Not great shape but not so awful.  The stress of that r/s and my resulting bad habits and coping mechanisms had me balloon up to 298 lbs.  In the months before the breakup I had already begun slimming down.  I was 270 lbs when things fell apart.  I lost 15 lbs in two weeks after the break to to grief and loss of appetite.  It wasn't until 6 weeks after the break up that I stopped at the gym by my house on the way home from work and joined up.  I started working out 7 days a week (with the enmeshment of my BPD life gone I have plenty of me time now).  The combination of therapy and fitness has turned my life around.  I had so much pain and anger inside after the abrupt break, I would take all that to the gym and leave it there.  I would run myself ragged on the elliptical.  Not the healthiest thing but it was healthier than losing myself in a bottle or worse.

So my BU was in August a little over 6 months ago.  Since then I have gone from 28% bodyfat to 19% bodyfat.  I am down to 222lbs, leaner than my weight in 12th grade when I played hockey.  I am in the best shape of my life.  The gym and the overall health lifestyle is my first choice at showing self care.

I use the bodyspace app from bodybuilding dot com to track my progress and it has lots of great videos to show you how to do an exercise you may not be familiar with.

[Michelle27]

I've been seriously overweight (ok, obese and even morbidly obese) for much of my adult life.  My husband never had issues with my weight, but I did.  When the cracks appeared in his very high functioning BPD-ness (which I wasn't aware of at the time as there were very few red flags until he crashed) almost 9 years ago, I spent the next 4 or 5 years living from crisis to crisis and when I finally found out about BPD, it made sense, and I spent many months scrambling trying to find more information and get him help.  I got us into couple's counseling (he sabotaged all of it and quit saying he hated both counselors we tried), signed us up for a couple's communications course, tried to get help from his friends and family, went to our doctor hoping for more help there, and so much more.  When nothing worked and actually seemed to make things worse, I took myself to therapy in hopes of finding answers to the question of how can I help my husband?  It took many sessions of being told that I couldn't help him at all, and I needed to focus on myself.  I decided to start exercising.  I had spent most of my adult life either "on a diet" or "in between diets" and every time I'd start to exercise but at my weight and history of inactivity, exercise was HARD.  So it would never last, then my "diet" wouldn't get results and then I'd figure I was a failure and I'd quit.  My highest known non pregnant weight was 338 lbs at 5'2".  Walking upstairs with a basket of laundry in my house had me stopping to rest every time.

This time, I knew I needed to do something different.  I didn't go on a diet at all, and just decided to focus on learning to like exercise after hating it all of my life.  I started with what my body could do, 2-3 days of aquafit a week.  As time went on, I found myself really looking forward to my workouts and the time away from the house and taking care of me began increasing my self esteem.   I also loved the new social life I had developed making new friends.  Soon I was up to 4 days a week of aquafit or Zumba aquafit and decided it was time to add a healthy eating plan.  I decided to NOT go on a diet but to find a way to eat that I thought I could live with for the rest of my life so I focused on a calorie range and watching proportion of fat/protein/carb, watching my fiber intake too.  The weight started melting off and soon I was ready to branch out in exercise.  I saw a personal trainer about strength training and began taking Zumba classes in the gym which has become my most favorite form of exercise. 

3 years have gone by and I am now 140 lbs lighter than I was when I started.  My typical week is 2 days a week of Zumba, 2 days a week of Boot Camp and 2 days a week of running. I've done two 5K's and one 10K and have registered for 2 5K's in the next few months.  I now weigh what I last weighed when I was 14 years old (I just turned 45). 

Taking care of myself opened up a whole new world for me and has made it easier to cope with the chaos in my marriage.  I couldn't be happier.  I still have about 30 lbs to go to where I want to be and then I'll be looking into skin removal surgery to repair the damage I've done to my body.  I'm so grateful I heeded the advice from that therapist years ago to finally focus on myself for a change.  I know I would have lost my mind years ago otherwise. :-)

[workinprogress]

If the mods will allow it, I would like to recommend a fitness site called bodybuilding.com.  It is a great site with success stories, work out routines, and you can sign up to track you work outs, body measurements, weight and so forth.

It's worth a look!

[misty_red]

Before I was with my exBPDgf I was living very healthy. Lifting weights, running, handball. I was in such a good shape. I rarely drank alcohol, ate regularly. Then I got with her and everything changed. I just let everything slip. Drank lots of alcohol because that was the only "activity" you could do with my exBPDgf, didn't eat properly anymore because she rarely ate when I was at hers and she also had no real food at hers. I never ate when being with her only to binge afterwards at home. Great. I'm not saying that all of this was her fault. But I should've seen this, I mean I did. It's so stupid. I always put my health and body first (am kinda narcissistic if it comes to that) but I didn't when being with her.

After she ended things I could put myself together slowly again. I seldom drink alcohol now and if, just one sip on special occasions to touch glasses. My binges went from fourth a week to once every two weeks. I'm much more active again. I started running and lifting weights regurlarly again, I quit playing handball (she was a team mate and I got to know her through handball) and started kickboxing - funny although because my exBPDgf was a kickboxer in her early years as well. I always wanted to do kickboxing but always refrained from doing so because I had such bad associations with it because of my ex. She literally told me that it was really fun getting beaten up and beating up other people, wow, really? So I never wanted to be like these people. But then I said "F*ck it, I'm better than that and I'm no violent person, that's not the reason I do it.". And now I'm having a blast in doing it.

But Infern0, maybe you could answer me one question. I guess as a (kick)boxer you shouldn't put on too much muscle-weight, right? So how should I train? I guess no hypertrophy. So then muscular endurance, springiness or max power?

[Wrongturn1]

Keeping in shape is a great idea for anyone, and even more so for someone dealing with a BPD in their life.  I'm no elite athlete, but I do work hard to stay in shape. 

Currently, I'm about to finish the final week of the "Insanity Max 30" workout program and in years past have done the original P90X and Insanity workout series.  I also run when I'm not doing extreme home workouts.  I turn 40 years old later this year, and before that, I'm trying to get my 5K race time down below 23 minutes, which I think I might be able to do this spring.

[Reforming]

Keeping in shape is a great idea for anyone, and even more so for someone dealing with a BPD in their life.  I'm no elite athlete, but I do work hard to stay in shape. 

Currently, I'm about to finish the final week of the "Insanity Max 30" workout program and in years past have done the original P90X and Insanity workout series.  I also run when I'm not doing extreme home workouts.  I turn 40 years old later this year, and before that, I'm trying to get my 5K race time down below 23 minutes, which I think I might be able to do this spring.

Good for you Wrongturn. I looked into P90X, Max Workouts and Freeletics, but I was slightly worried they might aggravate niggling injuries to my back and knee. Have you had any side effects or injury problems with Insanity Max 30 or P90x?

Reforming

[Perfidy]

The body's intelligence is superior to the mind. The body is to be trusted greater than the mind. Develop the body, the mind is the trouble maker.

[Hope0807]

Infern0…good to know!  I'm IN!  LOVED strength training, cardio kickboxing, yoga, running, you name it…was in the best shape of my life before this nightmare relationship…BUT I'm getting back to good and LOVE that you've posted yourself as a resource here!  Would love to see you keep an active thread going so people like me can feel inclined to have a check-in space here as well.  I LOVE how goo I feel when I stay healthy.  I've got a ways to go…thank you!

I don't know if it's the right place to put this thread but I figured it fits in this forum section the best.

One thing i'm really an advocate for in general is health and fitness, I know during my own BPD breakup nightmare I let myself go BADLY and ended up looking as bad as i felt.

There's a lot of plusses to being in good shape, you feel better, are healthier, look better, more confident, working out helps reduce stress, and it gives you PURPOSE.

Anyway I have 7 years of amateur boxing, PT licence, bodybuilding experience etc etc.

If anyone want's any help, advice, routines, motivation etc then fire away and i'd be glad to help, it'd be great if we could get a community going where everyone pushes each other along.

Let me know if anyone is interested.

[hope2727]

Thank you to everyone who posts in this thread. I was a runner before my ex came into my life. Now I am a couch potato. I used to lift weights 2Xweek. Now I lift nothing.

Maybe by following this thread I will get inspired to start again. I am just finding it so hard to even get started. I start back at the gym for a month or two and then I get depressed and quit. I tried to start running again but I hated every minute of it. I just don't understand where my mojo went.

Somehow my spirit was smashed right along with my relationship. So keep posting people I need the inspiration.

[workinprogress]

Thank you to everyone who posts in this thread. I was a runner before my ex came into my life. Now I am a couch potato. I used to lift weights 2Xweek. Now I lift nothing.

Maybe by following this thread I will get inspired to start again. I am just finding it so hard to even get started. I start back at the gym for a month or two and then I get depressed and quit. I tried to start running again but I hated every minute of it. I just don't understand where my mojo went.

Somehow my spirit was smashed right along with my relationship. So keep posting people I need the inspiration.

I can so relate to what you said.  Before I met my wife I could run for miles.  I loved it and often found myself going into the "zone."  Running was an intimate thing for me.

Then, keeping up with her demands over the years I quit running.  When I first got back into it I could barely run to my mailbox, which was only about 50 yards from my house.  I would walk gradually, and then run.  Walk a bit, then run a bit more, until I eventually could run two or three miles at a time.

But, it never became the experience it once was.  I never truly loved it again.

The same holds true for lifting weights.  As a youth, I loved the feeling of my muscles popping and straining.  Now, it is a grind.  I love the results, but my mojo is gone, too.

I just wonder if I had some type of human touch in my life if it would make a difference.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Thank you to everyone who posts in this thread. I was a runner before my ex came into my life. Now I am a couch potato. I used to lift weights 2Xweek. Now I lift nothing.

Maybe by following this thread I will get inspired to start again. I am just finding it so hard to even get started. I start back at the gym for a month or two and then I get depressed and quit. I tried to start running again but I hated every minute of it. I just don't understand where my mojo went.

Somehow my spirit was smashed right along with my relationship. So keep posting people I need the inspiration.

Hi Hope,

I was in a bad place after my BPD experience.  One day on the way home I stopped in at the local gym and joined.  As my life was a wreck (I had become a recluse, only leaving home for work or night classes) I had all the free time in the world to spend at the gym.  It got me out of the house.  I started feeling better (a good workout is the best anti-depressant on earth).  Whenever I felt overcome with grief, anger or whatever I would go to the gym and put all that pain into the weights or a good cardio session.  This became a habit, and the release was a life saver.  If not for all the gym time I would probably still be in therapy.  Becoming healthier physically was such a great reward and it was the only palpable act of self love I could muster at the time.  I'm no longer in the gym 7 days a week but it is still a great outlet.  I hope you can catch the bug.  When you feel shattered and down, go put all that turmoil into the gym.  I cannot count the number of exercises I have done with the internal mantra of "that F****** B*****."  It gave me somewhere healthy to drop off all that mess without lashing out and causing more problems.

[hope2727]

Ok people. You are helping me.  I managed to go to the gym for my weight lifting class yesterday. I didn't walk/run as planned at lunch today but I did get to the gym last night. It is warm here today so perhaps ill walk tonight after work. I skipped my lemon square at lunch today (they are my addiction) and I did have wine last night but I also had veggies.  . So you are helping me. If I can manage 2 weight classes out of 3 per week I can lose 6 pounds a month. If I walk 5 km 3 days a week I lose another 2-3. If I give up wine and Starbucks I lose 10!  I have 30 pounds and 2 yeas of trauma to lose so keep me going pla folks. I really appreciate all the encouragement.

[Vatz]

I can attest to this. Working out is both a distraction, and it gives me something to aim for.

At first it was difficult when we ended it. But it was worse when we were together. I was so inconsistent with my workouts. The incessant stress was causing me to neglect my body, I was too fatigued in merely dealing with my mentally-ill ex to get into it.

A girl I was with before my last was similar. I spent so much time talking her down from one ledge or another that I had no time to sleep. I'd get three hours, and when I'd get home, I'd dread the evenings because it meant another whirlwind of emotional dysregulation. I was on my way to finally getting rid of the weight I had since 10, and then I gained it back. We broke up, I found my focus. Started making much needed headway, met my last one. My efforts tanked yet again.

But recently I have found my focus and it's great. I'm working towards something, and slowly but surely I'm achieving my goals. Not worried the needs of someone else, especially the sometimes selfish and unreasonable demands at that.

Little feels better than coming home from a workout. But NOTHING feels better than seeing myself slowly chisel as I chip away both the abundant adipose, but also the pain and insecurity it brings.

[waverider]

Exercise is good but it really comes into its own when it has an agenda. I started by walking. Then the gym. Then i bought a kayak and some fishing rods. now I am off over the horizon for hours of serenity and bring back a feast 2 or 3 times a week. It is so engrossing that i barely have any spare time to get to the gym. I am in my mid fifties and fitter than I have ever been in my life...

I sometimes post on this forum whilst sitting a couple of miles offshore rocking to the waves.

Previously it felt like i was wasting my life away one day at a time by association. My life will be full regardless of what my partner does with hers. That removes a lot of resentment on my side of the fence.