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Author Topic: Would you file for divorce or wait?  (Read 418 times)
wavelife
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« on: February 10, 2015, 09:34:16 AM »

I am wondering what everyone would do in my current situation.

Background is that I live in Canada where divorce law is that you must be separated for at least one year before you can file for divorce... .unless there is adultery in which case the person who did not commit adultery can file but not the person who did.  We have been separate for 6 months.

I know that my BPD wife who claims to be a Christian will have guilt gnawing at her about being with another man while still married and not married to him.  She will eventually project this guilt on him and he will be the one responsible... .I would almost feel sorry for him except he knows she is married so Karma can be a b___.

I have two thoughts... .one I don't want to go through the extra hassle of filing due to adultery since there are additional steps and she would have to admit to it which I am not positive she would.  I also don't feel like making it easy for her, and in some ways would like to make her squirm... .maybe vindictive but whatever.

My second thought is that while she wrapped up in honeymoon phase I could possibly get out of this relatively easily and without a lot of push back.  If I wait the six months I run the risk of her honeymoon ending and her trying to recycle... .again

Another side is that I too am a Christian and have a hard time being the one to throw in the towel and file... .This is a hard decision for me, and deeply heartbreaking.  There is obviously still some level of attachment since I have not filed already!

File or wait? 
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goateeki
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« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2015, 11:51:45 AM »

You didn't throw in the towel.  She did.  In what way is she honoring her marriage vows by sleeping with another person? 

End it today.  Be decisive and end it today.  Your life will be better.
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imstronghere2
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« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2015, 01:06:24 PM »

You didn't throw in the towel.  She did.  In what way is she honoring her marriage vows by sleeping with another person? 

End it today.  Be decisive and end it today.  Your life will be better.

I agree.  I did all kinds of things to try to figure out a way to avoid divorce but from the mouth of my exwBPD: "It won't do any good.  I'll just do it again".

And that was one of the very few times she told the truth.

You will most likely just have to deal with this again if you stay.

Good luck with your decision.
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mallard3868

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« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2015, 05:45:59 PM »

I am going on 9 months being separated and this week we are getting divorce... .again and again and again... .No matter what you think is different about her or what excuse you make to yourself; SHE W I L L  N O T  C H A N G E ! ! !

Im Catholic and on marriage #2! Imagine my guilt! LOL! I tried to change things, went to marriage T, individual T, and noting has helped in the slightest bit! Only they can want to make a change (for longer than the after sex cuddle and the delusions of grandeur talk... .)! But they wont... .

Trust me when I say this; the stories on here really are sofaking true and yours is no different, no matter how unique. Empower yourself with the knowledge that is on these boards and embolden yourself with the support of these people!

Leave her now! Run like a Gazelle being chased by the Lion! R U N !

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wavelife
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« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2015, 09:59:22 PM »

I am going on 9 months being separated and this week we are getting divorce... .again and again and again... .No matter what you think is different about her or what excuse you make to yourself; SHE W I L L  N O T  C H A N G E ! ! !

Im Catholic and on marriage #2! Imagine my guilt! LOL! I tried to change things, went to marriage T, individual T, and noting has helped in the slightest bit! Only they can want to make a change (for longer than the after sex cuddle and the delusions of grandeur talk... .)! But they wont... .

Trust me when I say this; the stories on here really are sofaking true and yours is no different, no matter how unique. Empower yourself with the knowledge that is on these boards and embolden yourself with the support of these people!

Leave her now! Run like a Gazelle being chased by the Lion! R U N !


Haha I am also on marriage two.  Really didn't want to fail and I bled for this marriage!   I am running and have no intention of letting her back into my life.  Question for me is should I file now and do the extra steps due to adultery or wait 5 months to let it happen in an easier way.  The vengeful side in me at the moment doesn't want to make it easy for her to start marriage 5... .I should just send a clear message and file, who cares if it's harder on me, at least it's done! 

Thank you Smiling (click to insert in post)

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cloudten
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« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2015, 10:50:17 PM »

I say file... .  you are drawing out your own misery.
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2015, 11:19:25 PM »

Hi wavelife,

I'm sorry to hear that. When your spouse has a bf in marriage, it's hard. I can relate. Keep in mind Canada has similar and different laws than the US. All Provinces in Canada are no fault divorce. You can file at 6 months, 12 or wait.

I wanted to file at 6 months because of the pain I was going through. I was angry my wife started an affair 8 months before she said we're done and up she left and he moved in with her.

I talked to an ex professor of law based out of Toronto and he's separated from his wife for 4 years and I mentioned my wife is undiagnosed and shows traits of BPD. He said the same with his wife and we started talking about SWOE. I talked to him for roughly 90 minutes. Everyone's reason's why to get divorce when they want to is their choice. I'm Catholic and it hurt that my wife cheated, marriage and my vows were something I held with great importance.

Is filing because she committed adultery going to give you a tactical advantage with a person that feels shame and guilt? You may have more trouble than it's worth with a pwBPD in court. It's no fault?

The professor asked me what does marriage mean? I told him it's a sacred covenant  between two people.

He said "No Mutt, it's a piece of paper and it means you can't marry someone else. If she has BPD she may want to marry quickly and she may give into concessions and want to divorce fast, she's impulsive?".

I'm 24 months seperated this month for this reason alone, if I mention divorce my wife is incredibly difficult. When the time comes and she wants to marry the other man, I'm waiting for her to file because she wants to marry him ASAP.

I removed her from my policies when I was separated at 6 months, life insurance and medical coverage and she had a tantrum. At the time I was perplexed, she wanted to file for divorce. She was and still is emotionally attached and at the time she was trying to keep me nearby in case it didn't work out with the other man.

I understand that you're hurt  It's incredibly painful what you're going through right now, I'm offering advice to give you another choice, perhaps you can make things a little easier in court with a person with a personality disorder. I also understand the need to give yourself closure and end the marriage. There's no right or wrong here.

Do you have kids?

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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
wavelife
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« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2015, 09:00:13 AM »

Hi Mutt,

You bring up a lot of good points.  I have had very many of the same thoughts.

No we do not have children together (Thank God) although there are children involved from prior marriages.

About one month ago I looked at her pinterest account stupidly!  Anyways when I looked she had posted a "prayer for her husband"  a prayer I would feel God's love and that I wouldn't be led to temptation or sin... .wow really?  Then a few days later she was posting pictures of wedding dresses.  At first I was very hurt and then I found it comical.  An emotionally healthy person would not jump from one extreme to another, and it was just another example of crazy.

Anyways as I thought about it at first I was thinking ya right.  Your going to have to wait at least another six months before you can use another wedding dress and I am not going to make it quick for you.  But then I thought, OK if she is so much in the honeymoon phase an I know it will be making her nuts that she is still married while with this guy maybe its a good strategic time to file and she would just want to get it over as quickly as possible.

However, it could play the other way and the shame she is feeling will bubble up and she will not admit to adultery and make it a waste of time.  She may also block it in order to keep some sort of connection with me.

I am probably best to wait until she files.  My only fear is that I doubt the current fling will last six months and she may try for a recycle or not file for divorce and yes, some closure would be nice. 

I also cut her off from my plans for health care and life insurance etc.  As well as changed my will when I found out.  No reaction yet but I am sure it will be coming.  She does try once in a while to do the maiden in distress and ask for financial help.  I told her 6 weeks ago to no longer contact me and to ask her boy friend for money not me.  Since then I just ignore her... .NC


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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2015, 09:35:05 AM »

You may way want to speak to a lawyer. What may blindside you if either spouse incurs debt during the 12 month separation it is a financial obligation - 50 / 50. Let's say one partner puts themselves 30k in debt than you may be obligated to pay for half.

I understand the logic to divorce while she's in her honeymoon as her focus is on him and on not much else. I observed the same behavior with my wife, she kept putting up walls with any sort of legal separation agreement, mediation etc. I have 3 young children - girlfriend first, mom second.

Shame is a powerful emotion and if it's no fault divorce in Court of the Queens Bench, facts must be presented that she had an affair, she is likely going to blame her bad behaviors on you? You can have a divorce decree quickly, and not much else. A pwBPD are very high-conflict in court, whatever you may be able to work in your favor - seize it. Do what's best for you; look at all of the options.

I was anxious for the 6 month mark to start divorce proceedings. I felt a significant amount of anger, injustice. Everything that I have are in policies and she can't touch them, she is legally entitled to my pension. It's a 50/50 chance she may not take my pension when she's pre-occupied with wedding plans?

Closure is given when two healthy adults part ways. I'm sorry wavelife it's painful when you're abandoned and you're not given closure; we can find closure by giving it to ourselves.


Hang in there.

----Mutt

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wavelife
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« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2015, 10:18:12 AM »

Thanks Mutt,

All good advice.  I will see how it plays out and keep taking it one day at a time. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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slimmiller
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« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2015, 10:43:52 AM »

Another side is that I too am a Christian and have a hard time being the one to throw in the towel and file... .This is a hard decision for me, and deeply heartbreaking.  There is obviously still some level of attachment since I have not filed already!

File or wait? 

I actually looked at it from the Christian perspective and realized I HAD to file for divorce. Why? You may ask.

Fact is she left, I didnt. She slept with someone else. I didnt. I was home and being the parent. She wasnt.

Irregardless of wether or not I wanted to file for divorce it bacame the only option for me. She commited every Carnal Sin except murder. I felt I had to file to divorce myself from her and not just on the paper sense but also to assert my values.

I felt I had to for several reasons, one of which was to make a statement to my kids. Daddy was not going to be home while mommy runs without also divorcing her. If she had her way, we would still be married and she would be on my insurance and the retirement plans etc.

As Mutt pointed out, be wary of the financil liability of not getting a divorce. She can still ride your coattails in many ways

I would file immediately
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Popcorn71
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« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2015, 04:57:01 PM »

As soon as I realised he had been cheating I filed for divorce.  At this point I knew there would be no point in trying to save the marriage.  I also wanted an end to any financial link between us as I knew that due to the group of people the replacement was from, that given the opportunity, she would be after as much money as she could get.

I got our divorce through within 19 weeks from the date of him telling me he didn't want me anymore.  That included a few weeks delay because he didn't return paperwork quickly.  I did this because I knew that the longer I gave him to think about things and be 'advised' by the replacement, the more I stood to lose.  I hit him with it quickly and took him by surprise.  He kept saying he did't want a divorce despite being with the replacement and making no effort to come back to me.

I'm glad I got it sorted out so quickly.  As soon as we were legally divorced, something changed within me.  I began to look to the future more.  I am sure this helped me to deal with things better and also, I protected my financial interests as it happened before he started to get really nasty.
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