Does the nostalgia/pain/missing ever go away

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi - it's been almost exactly a year since she left.   4.5 years and went from her asking me to marry her to broken up in 30 days.   since then I've read everything I can find on commitment phobia (her diagnosis) and also NPD, BPD etc.   She's come back 3 times and luckily I was strong enough to say "actions not words".    How long does it take to get past her?  My heart still races every time I see a car like hers, I check "our" email three... .four times a day (yes, I know... .unhealthy).   At what point do you seek help?   It was a textbook BPD relationship and I lost myself and am still struggling to accept that it's over, she's gone, and that all those hopes and dreams are gone.   The logical side hasn't managed to overcome the broken heart yet.

[BatMasterson]

Hi - it's been almost exactly a year since she left.   4.5 years and went from her asking me to marry her to broken up in 30 days.   since then I've read everything I can find on commitment phobia (her diagnosis) and also NPD, BPD etc.   She's come back 3 times and luckily I was strong enough to say "actions not words".    How long does it take to get past her?  My heart still races every time I see a car like hers, I check "our" email three... .four times a day (yes, I know... .unhealthy).   At what point do you seek help?   It was a textbook BPD relationship and I lost myself and am still struggling to accept that it's over, she's gone, and that all those hopes and dreams are gone.   The logical side hasn't managed to overcome the broken heart yet.

[christin5433]

Hi - it's been almost exactly a year since she left.   4.5 years and went from her asking me to marry her to broken up in 30 days.   since then I've read everything I can find on commitment phobia (her diagnosis) and also NPD, BPD etc.   She's come back 3 times and luckily I was strong enough to say "actions not words".    How long does it take to get past her?  My heart still races every time I see a car like hers, I check "our" email three... .four times a day (yes, I know... .unhealthy).   At what point do you seek help?   It was a textbook BPD relationship and I lost myself and am still struggling to accept that it's over, she's gone, and that all those hopes and dreams are gone.   The logical side hasn't managed to overcome the broken heart yet.

I think you need to "stop" checking the email one step towards your mental freedom. I say this because I did that when we were together and when we split I stopped. It was the first step at me taking my life and sanity back. That wasn't all I checked I was all over things checking. I found her behavior so bizarre I became out of my mind seeing if I was being played? I guess It's called no trust. So if she's gone just stop I know I've made bigger steps now towards my own sanity back but the stalking behavior I stopped . Even though I would never stalk really ... .But searching things that we had was not necessary anymore .

[JRT]

I would go as far as to delete that email account and anything else that represents a tie to her. I had some of her stuff here up until last weekend. I took it to a storage locker and sent her the instructions on how to retrieve them. IT was difficult to do but it represented the last connection that I had to her; it felt like I put the body into the ground so to speak and I felt empowered to move on. I might guess that this might have the same effect with the joint email and anything else that connects you. Have you blocked her on FB? Other social media? Pictures, etc?

[hergestridge]

A turning point for me was realizing that the good times I had with my BPD partner was really good times I had with myself. pwBPD are not very present in the relationship. They occupy a great del of space in your life, which makes you think that they are a great part of your life too.

Soon after I broke up with my wife of 20 years I went on a vacation and stayed in places where we used to go and did things we used to do. To my surprise I did not miss her a lot at all.

My nostalgia had to do with the good times we had together. What I had blocked out was how little she contributed to the good times we had together.

The hardest pill to swallow for me was that I had let someone into my life that didn't really want to be there. That she just sat there for 20 years, malcontent, bitter and undecided. That ate me from the inside.

Be glad that she's gone!

[GuiltHaunted]

The biggest relief for me past breakup was when she changed her passwords to her iCloud (find my iPhone) and Facebook. Need I say more? 

Reading "your" emails WILL keep you stuck as it will feel like you are still a bit connected to her. But keep in mind this is a 100% one sided connection.

Free yourself of this burden, by whatever means necessary (change password to something random, whatever!). The second you lose access, you will feel better I promise.

To quote Tyler Durden: "“It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.” Let go... .

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm out for 2,5 months now so I can't tell you how long it will last, however I recognise the obsessive thinking and checking social media and what not. She's pretty much blocked on everything, but we have mutual friends so I can still see when she likes something or commends on someone. Not actually see her, but since there's one person missing in the 'people who liked this' list or one comment missing, I know it was her. Also I used to check about 1000 times a day if she was online on whatsapp, but Im blocked there now as well so can't do that anymore. Its for the best though, the less triggers, the easier it becomes to forget. Unfortunately I still see her almost every week when I'm going out. Its hard but at the same time she's busy with the replacement so it makes me keep things realistic.

Im just saying, I recognise what you are going through. Ive had 10 recycles so there's always this voice in the back of my head saying, maybe she'll be back for another recycle. I have to use the time given to make sure Im strong enough to never allow that again. And also not hope for it.

[christin5433]

I'm out for 2,5 months now so I can't tell you how long it will last, however I recognise the obsessive thinking and checking social media and what not. She's pretty much blocked on everything, but we have mutual friends so I can still see when she likes something or commends on someone. Not actually see her, but since there's one person missing in the 'people who liked this' list or one comment missing, I know it was her. Also I used to check about 1000 times a day if she was online on whatsapp, but Im blocked there now as well so can't do that anymore. Its for the best though, the less triggers, the easier it becomes to forget. Unfortunately I still see her almost every week when I'm going out. Its hard but at the same time she's busy with the replacement so it makes me keep things realistic.

Im just saying, I recognise what you are going through. Ive had 10 recycles so there's always this voice in the back of my head saying, maybe she'll be back for another recycle. I have to use the time given to make sure Im strong enough to never allow that again. And also not hope for it.

I think we all in the back of our head know they recycle or go back. It's thier MO. What if she doesn't and her new replacement is satisfying and that's the gamble your taking. Shut it down as hard as it is I tell myself the opposite even though my brain loves to linger in that possibility. It's my sick brain because If she did I would be back in a horror movie and back on this forum later. It's best I believe to assume the worst it's over and I need to get through this stuff. I do have some pictures of us as a family still around I need to put in a box and in the garage. I never look at really it's just I am letting it go w compassion for what we had. I lost my family and my life partner. I know it. I think the letting go process can be kind. The whole reading emails would hurt me personally because I recognize it wasn't real reality has proven that. I do miss the family I put my time and effort into. That I do care about and will detach w love. Even her I detached w love. But I'm not turning back it was very bad what I lived and accepted. And this whole b/u crap shows nothing but a lack of care and respect. Not my circus not my monkees

[Mutt]

Hi Batmasterson,



I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through.

We're all wired for bonding. I think it's important that we understand the biological effect from a break-up and how we cope with it that it comes from our early development and there are ways to speed up the recovery.

Days and weeks after the break-up there are areas of the brain linked with distress and pain; the effect are like withdrawals from a a drug-user.  The areas affected with craving, addiction motivation and reward. Attachment styles developed in early life can help with how we cope with with break-ups later in life. Partners with parents with inconsistencies in their early years are more receptive defunct r/ pattern. They tend to hang on to relationships unhealthily.

On the other hand, partners with caregivers that provided a sense that they were present fostered trust; are more likely to be careful of their partners feelings when they have emotional changes and needs.

To help speed-up the recovery process there are key things that we can do. :

• Accept that the relationship is over



• Try not to beg, reconsider or attempt to win-back



• Stop communicating



• Get rid of reminders like letters and cards

This will help with moving on.

There's a mythology built around love sometimes that we may think that our partner is our "one true soul mate' and there's really nothing that's magical about one person, in fact we have compatibilities with many potential people.

What helps us to speed up recovery is not demonize the ex partner or plot revenge - it is a waste of time and will slow down our healing process.

Attachment style from early life are different from the example, if you're having difficulties with accepting loss, moving on, hoping to perhaps reconnect later on, there are ways to speed up the process.

On the receiving end of a breakup, the insecurely attached react poorly. “They don’t let go,” says Shaver. “They’re more likely to be stalkers, and they’re more likely to end up sleeping with the old partner.” Unfortnately, their defense against pain—refusing to acknowledge that the relationship is over—precludes healing. They pine on for the lost love with little hope of relief.

People with low self-esteem took rejection the worst: They were most likely to blame themselves for what had happened and to rail against the rejecter.

Whether we bounce back from a breakup or wallow in unhappiness also depends on our general self-regard. In a University of California, Santa Barbara study where participants experienced rejection in an online dating exchange, people with low self-esteem took rejection the worst: They were most likely to blame themselves for what had happened and to rail against the rejecter. Their levels of the stress hormone cortisol ran particularly high. Such reactivity to romantic rejection often creates unhealthy coping strategies—staying home alone night after night, for example, or remaining emotionally closed off from new partners.

People with high self-esteem were not immune to distress in the face of romantic rejection, whether they were rejecter or rejectee, but they were less inclined to assume a lion’s share of the blame for the split. Best of all, they continued to see themselves in a positive light despite a brush-off.

The Biology of Breaking Up

[BatMasterson]

Thanks Mutt and everyone who replied.  The email account was mine and the one we used to chat/send things etc and has been the one she has used to contact me to try get back together three times over the last year.  Looking objectively at it, it's my last lifeline back to her and hoping that she'll come to her senses, realize what's been lost etc.   I've read a ton about NPD, BPD, committment phobia etc and have blocked her on FB, not had any "accidental" meetings, etc but for some reason this last one has been hard.   I guess it's time.  Maybe it will be cathartic.   I hope so.   

[mitchell16]

ive been out since june and strict nc since august. I have stayed NC this time, she has tried numerous attempts to get me back and I could have recycled already but I decided enough was enough I had already wasted 3 years of my life. It does get easier some days I still think about her all day long and then somedays she only crosess my mind a couple of times. one time I stayed out of it with her for 8 months and again recycled, I ws not strict NC during that time but we wasnt not together. During that 8 months  I was misrable but mainly cause I was still in contact with her, by text, phone calls, or we would have a lunch togther etc... I could not move foreward and what was funny was during those 8 months she never tried to get me back. she was just content to know that I was still waiting on her and when she decided she wanted us back I jumped. Only to be lied to, raged at and probably cheated on 8 weeks later. I then broke it off with her and told her to never contact me again. I went NC and she went crazy with desperation trying to recycle me, the more I stuck to NC the crazier she got. Why didnt she act that way when we split for 8 months? because she was getting her needs filled by me staying in contact with her and she knew I was just waiting for her to return ad she was fine with that. I think relizing that was what made it easy for me this time. she didnt love me, I was just her toy to play with until she got tired. So I went strict NC, deleted any and all pictures, removed any trace of her from my life, drop contact with any and all mutual friends that was hard to do but they wasnt life long friends just people I met through her. I do miss some of them BUt I treat her like an addiction if I want to beat it or stay clean I have to avoid all things that are a trigger for me to replase. May sound crazy but it has worked for me. Since she has been out of my life, some of my severe medical issues have cleared up, I sleep again, I was able to put on a few pounds, People tell me Im seem happeier and less stress, I now have more money in the bank then I have had in along time, I have financial security and I know longer worry day and night. so life is better, so much better. I found a good women, who takes care me in return, she wants to be with me, acts happy to see me, etc... it was a huge switch on some days i feel akward cause Im not use to someone treating me good. I guess what im trying to say is it takes time, but you have to fully cut all ties or atleast thats what worked for me.

[cloudten]

I could not move foreward and what was funny was during those 8 months she never tried to get me back. she was just content to know that I was still waiting on her and when she decided she wanted us back I jumped. Only to be lied to, raged at and probably cheated on 8 weeks later. I then broke it off with her and told her to never contact me again. I went NC and she went crazy with desperation trying to recycle me, the more I stuck to NC the crazier she got. Why didnt she act that way when we split for 8 months? because she was getting her needs filled by me staying in contact with her and she knew I was just waiting for her to return ad she was fine with that. I think relizing that was what made it easy for me this time. she didnt love me, I was just her toy to play with until she got tired. So I went strict NC, deleted any and all pictures, removed any trace of her from my life, drop contact with any and all mutual friends that was hard to do but they wasnt life long friends just people I met through her. I do miss some of them BUt I treat her like an addiction if I want to beat it or stay clean I have to avoid all things that are a trigger for me to replase. May sound crazy but it has worked for me. Since she has been out of my life, some of my severe medical issues have cleared up, I sleep again, I was able to put on a few pounds, People tell me Im seem happeier and less stress, I now have more money in the bank then I have had in along time, I have financial security and I know longer worry day and night. so life is better, so much better. I found a good women, who takes care me in return, she wants to be with me, acts happy to see me, etc... it was a huge switch on some days i feel akward cause Im not use to someone treating me good. I guess what im trying to say is it takes time, but you have to fully cut all ties or atleast thats what worked for me.

[BatMasterson]

Hi Mitchell - I'll have to read up on what recycling means but I'm guessing it's getting back together and going through exactly the same drama as before.  I deleted the account last night... .it was painful but I'm not obsessively checking it either so that's a good thing :-).   I know what you mean about thinking about them every day and having to try to not remember it through rose colored glasses.   I've been good about NC but bad about seeing her when she gets back in touch.   Definitely agree about more money in the bank!  I just need to be stronger the next time she makes contact (although everything is blocked so maybe it won't happen again).   I still haven't fully internalized that it wasn't love, that I was a trained dog jumping through hoops.  Thanks for the response and hope you're doing well.

[cloudten]

I could not move foreward and what was funny was during those 8 months she never tried to get me back. she was just content to know that I was still waiting on her and when she decided she wanted us back I jumped. Only to be lied to, raged at and probably cheated on 8 weeks later. I then broke it off with her and told her to never contact me again. I went NC and she went crazy with desperation trying to recycle me, the more I stuck to NC the crazier she got. Why didnt she act that way when we split for 8 months? because she was getting her needs filled by me staying in contact with her and she knew I was just waiting for her to return ad she was fine with that. I think relizing that was what made it easy for me this time. she didnt love me, I was just her toy to play with until she got tired. So I went strict NC, deleted any and all pictures, removed any trace of her from my life, drop contact with any and all mutual friends that was hard to do but they wasnt life long friends just people I met through her. I do miss some of them BUt I treat her like an addiction if I want to beat it or stay clean I have to avoid all things that are a trigger for me to replase. May sound crazy but it has worked for me. Since she has been out of my life, some of my severe medical issues have cleared up, I sleep again, I was able to put on a few pounds, People tell me Im seem happeier and less stress, I now have more money in the bank then I have had in along time, I have financial security and I know longer worry day and night. so life is better, so much better. I found a good women, who takes care me in return, she wants to be with me, acts happy to see me, etc... it was a huge switch on some days i feel akward cause Im not use to someone treating me good. I guess what im trying to say is it takes time, but you have to fully cut all ties or atleast thats what worked for me.

Woops- I keep posting a quote without commenting... .sorry.

Anyway... .this really spoke to me today. In day 2 of strict NC. I have been getting emails from him and a marriage proposal yesterday by text.

But what really speaks to me is the 8 months you kept in contact. I just did 10 months like that with mine. We had broken up but we kept in almost constant contact- at least daily for that entire 10 months. Little did I know he had an actual girlfriend that entire time. Anyway- what I am trying to say is that he didn't really want to be back together with me in those 10 months, and he didn't want to entirely be with her. But between her and I, he was getting all of the validation he needed. Like you said, he was contact just to know that I was still waiting on him and wanting him. It destroyed all of the trust i had left.

You have certainly encouraged me today to keep on with the strict NC, which I really needed. It has been an minute to minute battle. I have spent my entire day not working- and trying to to respond to an email he sent. The opening line was "this email isn't to create a war between us- it is all about you"... .but the entire rest of the email was not about me at all. It was about his relationship with the other girl and how he truly loved her. *hurts don't it*

So, I am sorry for your experience that yours was identical to mine- but thank you for sharing- because I really needed this today. I need to finish cutting off anything that reminds me of him. I need to remember the bigger picture and treat this like the true addiction that it is.

[cloudten]

This whole NC actually made me think of what Jesus said:

"And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell" Mark 9:47

Keeping both eyes (photos, letters, contact, etc.) will cause me to be thrown back into BPD hell.

[BatMasterson]

Hi Cloudten - yes, i know that feeling of losing entire days cruising BPD sites to try and gain the strength not to reply... .or spending hours crafting just the right response that might solve everything so we can live happily ever after.   It's never worked for me and I'm slowly coming to trust the people that say "just delete it - don't even read it" (although I'm a terrible example).    As my Aussie friend said (who I've leaned on waaaaay too much): kia kaha. 

[christin5433]

I could not move foreward and what was funny was during those 8 months she never tried to get me back. she was just content to know that I was still waiting on her and when she decided she wanted us back I jumped. Only to be lied to, raged at and probably cheated on 8 weeks later. I then broke it off with her and told her to never contact me again. I went NC and she went crazy with desperation trying to recycle me, the more I stuck to NC the crazier she got. Why didnt she act that way when we split for 8 months? because she was getting her needs filled by me staying in contact with her and she knew I was just waiting for her to return ad she was fine with that. I think relizing that was what made it easy for me this time. she didnt love me, I was just her toy to play with until she got tired. So I went strict NC, deleted any and all pictures, removed any trace of her from my life, drop contact with any and all mutual friends that was hard to do but they wasnt life long friends just people I met through her. I do miss some of them BUt I treat her like an addiction if I want to beat it or stay clean I have to avoid all things that are a trigger for me to replase. May sound crazy but it has worked for me. Since she has been out of my life, some of my severe medical issues have cleared up, I sleep again, I was able to put on a few pounds, People tell me Im seem happeier and less stress, I now have more money in the bank then I have had in along time, I have financial security and I know longer worry day and night. so life is better, so much better. I found a good women, who takes care me in return, she wants to be with me, acts happy to see me, etc... it was a huge switch on some days i feel akward cause Im not use to someone treating me good. I guess what im trying to say is it takes time, but you have to fully cut all ties or atleast thats what worked for me.

Woops- I keep posting a quote without commenting... .sorry.

Anyway... .this really spoke to me today. In day 2 of strict NC. I have been getting emails from him and a marriage proposal yesterday by text.

But what really speaks to me is the 8 months you kept in contact. I just did 10 months like that with mine. We had broken up but we kept in almost constant contact- at least daily for that entire 10 months. Little did I know he had an actual girlfriend that entire time. Anyway- what I am trying to say is that he didn't really want to be back together with me in those 10 months, and he didn't want to entirely be with her. But between her and I, he was getting all of the validation he needed. Like you said, he was contact just to know that I was still waiting on him and wanting him. It destroyed all of the trust i had left.

You have certainly encouraged me today to keep on with the strict NC, which I really needed. It has been an minute to minute battle. I have spent my entire day not working- and trying to to respond to an email he sent. The opening line was "this email isn't to create a war between us- it is all about you"... .but the entire rest of the email was not about me at all. It was about his relationship with the other girl and how he truly loved her. *hurts don't it*

So, I am sorry for your experience that yours was identical to mine- but thank you for sharing- because I really needed this today. I need to finish cutting off anything that reminds me of him. I need to remember the bigger picture and treat this like the true addiction that it is.

Look up information on triangulation exactly why I'm not even talking w my ex she did it w me I was irritated but clueless to this being a trait of BPD. They use an ex or someone to be in the middle of a new r/s to get all they need . It's so sick . I'm so sorry you got hurt in this way.

[BatMasterson]

Triangulation was what finally ended us.  Ex-boyfriend who she had an affair with and who was still married came back into town.  He was asking her out and she was hiding the communication.   It came out twice and I kept forgiving her lying and hiding it... .I never really held her accountable which was probably a mistake.  She ended up giving an ultimatum "You either accept that he will be a big part of my life or we're over".   I don't think she actually cheated (I hope) but it on top of all the other pushing away, ultimatums, shaming, etc ... .it wasn't going to work... .although when she started to walk I said I would learn to deal with it... .but she left anyway because she "didn't trust me.

[Trog]

I really think that these feelings we all share of missing these really abusive people, where the relationships were so bad, highlight that something inside us is really a bit warped. These attachements for sure go deep but I think its really crucial to understand that the hook isn't created by them, its created by us, our own childhoods.

[christin5433]

I really think that these feelings we all share of missing these really abusive people, where the relationships were so bad, highlight that something inside us is really a bit warped. These attachements for sure go deep but I think its really crucial to understand that the hook isn't created by them, its created by us, our own childhoods.

Yes definetly something in us I'm sure some ... .But I also believe to live out the insanity w a disturbed person can make anyone lose something in themselves ... .I'm looking for what I lost in this time span of caretaking a person I thought was my partner. I was in a hit and run with a BPD behind the wheel ... Im recovering and don't know who hit me because it wasn't who I thought it was... It was BPD. That's the criminal . It's taken her life and it takes those they run into.

[Trog]

I really think that these feelings we all share of missing these really abusive people, where the relationships were so bad, highlight that something inside us is really a bit warped. These attachements for sure go deep but I think its really crucial to understand that the hook isn't created by them, its created by us, our own childhoods.

Yes definetly something in us I'm sure some ... .But I also believe to live out the insanity w a disturbed person can make anyone lose something in themselves ... .I'm looking for what I lost in this time span of caretaking a person I thought was my partner. I was in a hit and run with a BPD behind the wheel ... Im recovering and don't know who hit me because it wasn't who I thought it was... It was BPD. That's the criminal . It's taken her life and it takes those they run into.

Agree, but well adjusted people just wouldn't get involved in the caretaking. I don't mean that disrespectfully to you, believe me, I am talking about myself. All my friends and family advise me that they would have run for the hills and that this person was clearly abusive (which I could not cope with and in turn was abusive myself).

[BatMasterson]

From what I've read there's definitely traits that are associated with people who have relationships with BPDs.   Some of them definitely apply to me and are the few bright outcomes of the relationship - that I can identify them and work on them and become a better person for the next relationship.  Amongst others, being a people pleaser, a "nice" guy, a compulsion to save people, self-image or other insecurities (which the BPD can play on).    However, I also know that BPDs tend to be very persuasive and capable of twisting things around so they are *your* fault and something you need to work on.   They also play the "push-pull" game very well (prelude to recycling?) and after you go through the washing machine of getting back together and breaking up a few times, it becomes almost impossible to leave - you yield all control over the relationship until it becomes too much to bear and you (or they) get out.    That's when we end up here trying to figure out what the heck just happened to our self-respect, our boundaries, our net worth :-).

While I agree that there are things we need to work on as ex-partners of BPDs, I don't believe that we're incapable of having good relationships nor capable of effectively breaking up.  I had a number of nice long-term relationships prior to my BPD and most of them ended fairly calmly and adult-like.  It's just the BPD one that makes me feel like I'm 19 and question my intrinsic goodness as a person... .

[BatMasterson]

Trog - I think the pwBPD does take advantage of insecurities and personality traits to control the relationship.   I don't think it means your horribly maladjusted but do agree that letting your boundaries get walked all over does show that you're susceptible to being manipulated.  I know in all other aspects of life there's no way I'd put up with that but was in so deep with the BPD that boundaries were non-existent.   Yeah, we all have self-growth work to do but I think warped is a bit of a strong term.  As for caretaking, I know I wasn't looking for that at the time due to various circumstances but after you go through the "you're not like all the rest" and "please don't ever leave me", it's easy to fall into doing whatever you can to make their life better.

[Caredverymuch]

Thanks Mutt and everyone who replied.  The email account was mine and the one we used to chat/send things etc and has been the one she has used to contact me to try get back together three times over the last year.  Looking objectively at it, it's my last lifeline back to her and hoping that she'll come to her senses, realize what's been lost etc.   I've read a ton about NPD, BPD, committment phobia etc and have blocked her on FB, not had any "accidental" meetings, etc but for some reason this last one has been hard.   I guess it's time.  Maybe it will be cathartic.   I hope so.   

We certainly understand how you are feeing. These " breakups" are so different than ending a r/s w healthier person.  Additionally there is often no closure.  Just radio silent treatment and cold acts of ignoring, blocking, etc as the non is not only heartbroken by now dumb founded at these added hurtful actions.  Its difficult to depersonalize these behaviors. 

So many of us held into hope after the b/u or abandonment.  It was very hard for me to come to terms that I needed to do just what has been suggested here.  I systematically deleting things like texts. Then photos. Then in time my Ex's cell from my contacts.

We also shared an email.  That was the hardest to let go of as it was the only thing I had left that was " just ours."   Once I deleted that and blocked him from any form of contacting me via email, I was free to start to really heal.  To let go of false hope.  To detach.

So hard but so necessary.  Im so sorry you are feeling the way you do. I truly know how you feel.  Toward the end of clinging to hope I would often pull up our email account and just run my hand over his name. Just sitting there bewildered w hurt.

I hope you find the strength to delete your account soon and block all forms of communication.

Detachment leads to freedom. 

Sending support.

[christin5433]

From what I've read there's definitely traits that are associated with people who have relationships with BPDs.   Some of them definitely apply to me and are the few bright outcomes of the relationship - that I can identify them and work on them and become a better person for the next relationship.  Amongst others, being a people pleaser, a "nice" guy, a compulsion to save people, self-image or other insecurities (which the BPD can play on).    However, I also know that BPDs tend to be very persuasive and capable of twisting things around so they are *your* fault and something you need to work on.   They also play the "push-pull" game very well (prelude to recycling?) and after you go through the washing machine of getting back together and breaking up a few times, it becomes almost impossible to leave - you yield all control over the relationship until it becomes too much to bear and you (or they) get out.    That's when we end up here trying to figure out what the heck just happened to our self-respect, our boundaries, our net worth :-).

While I agree that there are things we need to work on as ex-partners of BPDs, I don't believe that we're incapable of having good relationships nor capable of effectively breaking up.  I had a number of nice long-term relationships prior to my BPD and most of them ended fairly calmly and adult-like.  It's just the BPD one that makes me feel like I'm 19 and question my intrinsic goodness as a person... .

Seriously that's exactly what I try to say... .They have a way of being the one not at fault and their manipulation is beyond what a functioning person Can comprehend unless you are a psychologist. I mean I knew fully I was dealing w a sick person she didn't know as much as I did. I brought it up at times when she felt guilty for hitting me or verbally over the top abusing me she seemed concerned of her behavior when it was obvious. She towards the end just didn't care about her behavior she cared more at presenting herself as the well one and me the sick one. I think honestly some of us know we have mated w a person w a disorder. There's not always a fairy tale life. I knew I chose to accept she had episodes we all did me and the kids ... .We figured out how to co exist wo kids seeing and it seemed manageable. Just out of the blue she went out to lunch at Christmas on oxycodone for a kidney stone and then things went crazy. My story. So it is what it is. As for what you said I get it alot of the damage I feel is my own lack of understanding that I became the fault for everything that ever went wrong with her and I? How does one argue w such extremes its a good way to mess someone up ... .It doesn't make sense? It shouldn't I'm not in her head. I guess after the grief of this all I'm sure I will be more aware of of this type of person and probably won't desire this for the long haul . I had a soft spot for my ex because we had closeness and I do think it was good while it lasted in a lot of ways . It's over now and I need to just focus on that. Whatever the cause I know it's over . I need to fill myself back up because she took a lot of me.