acted like an idiot

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In five months since she left causing destruction left right and centre and displaying paranioa even taking my passport and personal items as "insurance" in case i take "revenge" (as if) I have managed to restrain myself apart from  few occasions when drunk I sent texts I'm not proud of .

She has agreed to meet a family member to hand back my stuff and has informed family member that she has blocked me on her phone as she finds my tests "unsettling".

But she has never told me not to contact her even though when I have she has only responded with icy detachment

My question is she has me blocked on FB I initiated it first ... .And blocked on wassapp and mobile why she has not simply said to me never call or contact me again ?

[dobie]

In five months since she left causing destruction left right and centre and displaying paranioa even taking my passport and personal items as "insurance" in case i take "revenge" (as if) I have managed to restrain myself apart from  few occasions when drunk I sent texts I'm not proud of .

She has agreed to meet a family member to hand back my stuff and has informed family member that she has blocked me on her phone as she finds my tests "unsettling".

But she has never told me not to contact her even though when I have she has only responded with icy detachment

My question is she has me blocked on FB I initiated it first ... .And blocked on wassapp and mobile why she has not simply said to me never call or contact me again ?

[downwhim]

I am sorry you are going through this but why should she have to spell it out. N/C is N/C. You don't contact her on anything... .N/C is for you so that you can heal and get stronger and out of a dysfunctional relationship... .

[Mutt]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's stressful when an ex with a mental illness isn't making sense. She has a distorted belief system.

she finds my tests "unsettling"

Are you testing? Or is she testing? I think she's projecting her actions ( tests ) on you.

I would like to echo downwhim. NC is a good tool for now to detach and give yourself space and time to heal. Don't be hard on yourself for sending her texts while drinking. A choice can be to not consume alcohol or take drugs.

Commonly the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of "hating" them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination: for example, they accuse you of flirting with when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department. ~ Randi Kreger

Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to inconsistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well. ~ Elyce M. Benham, M.S.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

[JohnLove]

In five months since she left causing destruction left right and centre and displaying paranioa even taking my passport and personal items as "insurance" in case i take "revenge" (as if)

An insurance policy to maintain contact with you. These are important documents.

She has agreed to meet a family member to hand back my stuff and has informed family member that she has blocked me on her phone as she finds my tests "unsettling".

I would be a little surprised if you did get these documents back the first time it is arranged or when YOU expect. A little smear campaign nonetheless. Your family member is an intermediatry. Not part of the circus.

But she has never told me not to contact her even though when I have she has only responded with icy detachment

Hey!. That is the behaviour you're supposed to be exhibiting to HER. She wants to maintain control of any "relationship" between yourselves.

My question is she has me blocked on FB I initiated it first ... .And blocked on wassapp and mobile why she has not simply said to me never call or contact me again ?

You tried to take control. Bad dobie. Bad.

Why?. Because she is keeping you in the background for when she feels the need to recycle you. She is not forthright in her intentions. Usually you would put the other person on notice before you follow through with the actions.

I have often found that pwBPD do things arse about!.

Signed

The BPD Whisperer.

[dobie]

Sorry mutt I meant texts not "tests"

After the BU I took "our" her laptop to retrieve some personal data , I gave her free reign of the house to get her stuff and the first things she took were my passport (didn't tell me I found out only recently ) financial papers and family photos ... .I think she took all this because of her great paranoia rather than a means to keep in contact .

The last time she bothered to text after the BU was at xmass ...

She has only sent me texts when she needs or wants something such as to pick up her stuff etc ... .she has made zero effort to see how I am or keep me as a friend apart from in November when she picked my house clean she  thanked me for being so mature and understanding and hoped when I "felt better" we could go for coffee and be friends what the heck

She told my brother she was blocking me on her phone after my drunken texts my bro told her this is a good idea and I will be changing my number .

But has been sweet as pie to him about meeting for her laptop and to give back my personal items .

I even told her in the texts I've met someone and I'm happy and I wish the same for her

No response.  I really am dead to this person it would seem I really just wanted an ackolwkedgment of how much hurt she has caused and to leave things on a friendly keel but acted like a silly petty child myself while drunk texting .

But she is accepting no responsibility and has zero interest or empathy for me I am literally a "ghost in the wind" .

And yes if she is not in control in general she is terrified

This is a women with emotional immaturity , low empathy , and paranoia mixed with anxiety / depression she is not a diagnosed BPD but rather has the traits of various cluster B behaviours so is not a classic BPD but rather displays waif type traits among other PD behaviours  

I've never known her to recycle an x either rather she jumps from one attachment to another man to man or in this instance from me to her sister / mother then onto a man (unless she if course had my replacement lined up behind my back I dont know but I caught her on dating sites 10 weeks out ) .

[jhkbuzz]

[sorry... .mistake!]

[Targeted]

Your not alone dobie,

My ex is the same, undiagnosed but,

Depressed- you can tell by the way she keeps her home,

Paranoid-every woman in the world that is not in a relationship is either a Hooker or just a whore trying to steal her man, also thinks her neighbor is trying to poison her well water.

Heavy narc traits as well as histrionic, My T, In listening to my story readily admits he cannot diagnose somebody he does not treat and would never even have her in his office because of the phone calls he got from her during my smear campaign but he suggests a possible comorbidity salad here.   This is a tough abusive relationship to go through.

[dobie]

Your not alone dobie,

My ex is the same, undiagnosed but,

Depressed- you can tell by the way she keeps her home,

Paranoid-every woman in the world that is not in a relationship is either a Hooker or just a whore trying to steal her man, also thinks her neighbor is trying to poison her well water.

Heavy narc traits as well as histrionic, My T, In listening to my story readily admits he cannot diagnose somebody he does not treat and would never even have her in his office because of the phone calls he got from her during my smear campaign but he suggests a possible comorbidity salad here.   This is a tough abusive relationship to go through.

My T says the same thing , my x was clean and tidy rather she just had this low burning melancholy there was always something , someone or some reason she was feeling blue .

It was more a feeling of  emptiness she projected .

Her paranoia was all about trusting me and the r/s usually around money and her fear I would screw her over just like her dysfunctional father did to her mother .

She always felt people didn't like her or were trying to take advantage . A lot of this was feed by her sick father as it is how he views people and the world .

Trust no one , be selfish no one really cares about you etc

[dobie]

Another thing that makes me curious is two weeks after the BU when i wanted to see her she refused so we spoke on the phone i offered for her to get her own place and see how things go in 6 months

she said this would not be fair on me .

a few days later a "i miss you text" followed by i should not have  sent that when i responded .


this women seems determined to not engage hence in thinking its a clue she does not have BPD traits  ?

[myself]

this women seems determined to not engage hence in thinking its a clue she does not have BPD traits  ?

Wouldn't instantly disqualify her, as there are many stories here of people being cut out completely and never hearing from their exes again. PwBPD/ traits use scapegoating and 'painting the other black' as attempts at avoiding themselves and the real issues they run from. Which doesn't work, but they'll try and try again. Adding to their shame and, very often, silence.

[hurting300]

In five months since she left causing destruction left right and centre and displaying paranioa even taking my passport and personal items as "insurance" in case i take "revenge" (as if)

An insurance policy to maintain contact with you. These are important documents.

She has agreed to meet a family member to hand back my stuff and has informed family member that she has blocked me on her phone as she finds my tests "unsettling".

I would be a little surprised if you did get these documents back the first time it is arranged or when YOU expect. A little smear campaign nonetheless. Your family member is an intermediatry. Not part of the circus.

But she has never told me not to contact her even though when I have she has only responded with icy detachment

Hey!. That is the behaviour you're supposed to be exhibiting to HER. She wants to maintain control of any "relationship" between yourselves.

My question is she has me blocked on FB I initiated it first ... .And blocked on wassapp and mobile why she has not simply said to me never call or contact me again ?

You tried to take control. Bad dobie. Bad.

Why?. Because she is keeping you in the background for when she feels the need to recycle you. She is not forthright in her intentions. Usually you would put the other person on notice before you follow through with the actions.

I have often found that pwBPD do things arse about!.

Signed

The BPD Whisperer.

same here. My ex NEVER even broke up with me. She just disappeared.