Do they ever contact you again out of the Blue?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My breakup was textbook "particularly nasty"

[Reecer1588]

My breakup was textbook "particularly nasty"

[jammo1989]

Hey Reecer, haven't posted on this forum for a long time as Ive fully healed from my crazy ex

To answer your question, a lot of things need to be taken into consideration when it comes to whether or not they will contwct you again.  BPDs tend to indulge in destructive behaviour to distract themselves from their own inner turmoils AKA the feeling of rejection and abandonment.  So with this in mind, if there's a new guy on the scene and she's attached herself to him then don't expect any contact until the honeymoon period is over or he abandons her.  She will then then obsessively search for new supply, and with you being an ex theres a good chance she will try and reach out to you.

If she does reach out she WILL pull and push you (come here go away) she will do this after a few months in the hope you have at least forgiven her.  Furthermore, because of her impulsive behaviour expect her to call you or call on a withheld number just to see if you can still be available when needed (baiting).  She may call you, then block you because she fears you will reject her when she reaches out, so she will bait to see if you pull at the line (think of a fisherman) and if you do reply she will back off again.  This will only mess your head up, stay away trust me you will feel back to normal like me in a few months.

3rd reason, if she's more of the NPD/HPD type their false ego will stop them from ever contacting you again, they already have a damaged ego, so they hide behind a fake one.  furthermore, these types will only reach out only to kick you down again, if they feel power over you it makes them feel strong and yes they get a kick out of hurting others, just like BPDs they are severely sick.

If you want me to give you a run down about how my ex acted after we broke up I can share my experience, trust me its gets easier and when you realise what really went on you will other laugh or quiver at the sheer thought of her.

Jammo I'm trying to understand about the blocked call stuff. I've been receiving withheld number hang up calls since the first of last September. She axed me (literally) in August after a 9.5 yr relationship. She didn't even speak to me, but broke up with me in a type written note,inserted into my birthday card.

At first I didn't know if it was her, thought just a coincidence they came in. Two weeks ago, valentine's week, I received yet another series of hang up calls on two different days. I picked up, said hello and then click. I am 97% sure it's her. I have never tried to contact her after the calls, and have had several of them every month since September.

Essentially she is still maintaining contact after 6 months, though she is not speaking. It confuses me as I never contact her after it and would think that she would see that I'm not calling her back. I wonder if that makes her think I'll reject her, or if she is just wanting to hear my voice. I just can't comprehend a 46 yr old woman behaving such a way. She said she had no intention of being in a relationship with me again, yet she keeps calling. I suspect she has a new beau, and she had all of her friends and family tied down so that she wouldn't miss me in any realm of her life. It's just weird to me.

I just like you I never understood why she would call me with withheld numbers, so i went over to a BPD sufferer forum, and a BPD sufferer replied to my question, I will post it for you now, remember this woman is a recovering BPD so shes more self aware than most, hope this sorts you out.


She will most likely try to contact you again. Depending on how it makes her feel when she attempts to contact you will determine whether it happens more frequently or not. If she does contact you though, it will most likely result in her only blocking you again.

You are still on her mind, but I think additionally that she doesn't want you to be on her mind. I do believe she goes through phases of truly wanting to move on, and she also goes through phases of wanting to go back. I feel like she tries to contact you whenever she wants to go back to you, and she'll block you after because she then remembers that she wants to move on because that pain she was feeling (and possibly is still currently feeling) is unbearable.

I must add that she will truly move on eventually. One day, she will no longer feel the hurt from the breakup as severe as before. She won't think about it constantly. She'll be able to bring you up because she knows all of that is truly in her past. I think she still believes that there is a chance for y'all, which is why she is blocking you and cutting you off entirely. If she thinks there's still a chance, then she thinks there is also a chance for her to go through all of that hurt again, and that hurt is probably the thing that she is trying her hardest to avoid.

After my previous breakup, it was so incredibly difficult to even mention my ex's name. Any time someone would bring him up, I would feel this heaviness in my chest that was too overpowering. After I had genuinely moved on, I didn't have a problem with talking about him at all. In fact, I eventually unblocked him on all the sites he had been blocked on and I actually followed him on a few of his social media accounts (which was an incredibly large jump from not even being able to speak about him). I never tried to contact him again because I had moved on and I didn't feel it was worth it to open that wound again because I didn't want to risk feeling all of that pain again because I guessed that it would most likely come back. Also, a lot of my emotions for him had toned down so I didn't even feel like talking to him just because there was no point for me. I must mention that it took a good long while to move on, but I did it.

[Reecer1588]

Thank you very much for the very insightful answer. My situation is complicated because of a few reasons:

1. She was the one who broke contact with me. So part of me thinks she feels like she 'won'

2. She threatened a harassment lawsuit against me. If she were to contact me first, that would nullify that.

However, do I think she fully moved on? No. She never blocked me on facebook in the first place. But this whole silence from her certainly is still "active." We are not friends on FB. It is complete silence.I mean it's been 3 weeks now for me since last contact. For what we used to do, that's like an eternity. But I do believe because of this deafening silence from her, she probably still struggles with me. I would like to hear from her, is the truth. Her first contact with me will probably be a positive one.

Until I read your post, I never thought of it that way, that her deafening silence is a sign of her not having moved on yet. Really interesting insight. In a lot of ways, I might be more "moved on" from her because I'm not afraid to mention her name.

Not afraid to talk about what happened. Obviously I'm not, or I wouldn't be here. Hell, I'm not even afraid to admit the fact that I DO MISS her.

Our breakup was really, really bad. It's hard to believe she'll contact me again after what happened.

[Mr Hollande]

Comparisons have been made to hungry ghosts and I think it has credence. They are in many ways like hungry ghosts. Flesh eating scavengers in a state of perpetual shame who refuse to go away completely.

[Reecer1588]

Comparisons have been made to hungry ghosts and I think it has credence. They are in many ways like hungry ghosts. Flesh eating scavengers in a state of perpetual shame who refuse to go away completely.

Again, 3 weeks and deafening silence, she told me over and over again that she was "done with me". Not saying that she WON'T go back on her word and contact me. But I think honestly maybe she won't perform the ghost act on me.

What do you think about that?

[Mr Hollande]

Comparisons have been made to hungry ghosts and I think it has credence. They are in many ways like hungry ghosts. Flesh eating scavengers in a state of perpetual shame who refuse to go away completely.

Again, 3 weeks and deafening silence, she told me over and over again that she was "done with me". Not saying that she WON'T go back on her word and contact me. But I think honestly maybe she won't perform the ghost act on me.

What do you think about that?

I can't speak for your ex so I can't say. The common thing is that they attempt contact again.

I should also say that the hungry ghost analogy is as much a product of our own haunted selves as it is them not fully letting go of us.

[Reecer1588]

Comparisons have been made to hungry ghosts and I think it has credence. They are in many ways like hungry ghosts. Flesh eating scavengers in a state of perpetual shame who refuse to go away completely.

Again, 3 weeks and deafening silence, she told me over and over again that she was "done with me". Not saying that she WON'T go back on her word and contact me. But I think honestly maybe she won't perform the ghost act on me.

What do you think about that?

I can't speak for your ex so I can't say. The common thing is that they attempt contact again.

I should also say that the hungry ghost analogy is as much a product of our own haunted selves as it is them not fully letting go of us.

Sad but true. If my uBPDexgf had never meant so much to me, if just some stranger had been that cruel to me, well, I wouldn't be here today.

[jammo1989]

Thank you very much for the very insightful answer. My situation is complicated because of a few reasons:

1. She was the one who broke contact with me. So part of me thinks she feels like she 'won'

2. She threatened a harassment lawsuit against me. If she were to contact me first, that would nullify that.

However, do I think she fully moved on? No. She never blocked me on facebook in the first place. But this whole silence from her certainly is still "active." We are not friends on FB. It is complete silence.I mean it's been 3 weeks now for me since last contact. For what we used to do, that's like an eternity. But I do believe because of this deafening silence from her, she probably still struggles with me. I would like to hear from her, is the truth. Her first contact with me will probably be a positive one.

Until I read your post, I never thought of it that way, that her deafening silence is a sign of her not having moved on yet. Really interesting insight. In a lot of ways, I might be more "moved on" from her because I'm not afraid to mention her name.

Not afraid to talk about what happened. Obviously I'm not, or I wouldn't be here. Hell, I'm not even afraid to admit the fact that I DO MISS her.

Our breakup was really, really bad. It's hard to believe she'll contact me again after what happened.

I know your new to all this, but take it from someone who is finally out of the FOG, you think you want to hear from her again, but trust me you dont! I was just like you, I miss her, i dont care if shes pregnant and slept with this guy the day after the break up, I dont care if she turned her 6 year old son against me, I get how your feeling, trust me I do.  What you need to understand here, is this, I dont want to offend anybody but Im giving you the most honest advice I can give.

Partners of BPDs are co dependent thus meaning they suffer from playing the role of knight in shining armor, I was one of these types of people, you have no boundaries you let them emotionally or physically abuse you, but you accept it because you feel sorry for her.  You are literally becoming the trigger for her behavior, its ok if you cheat on me because I still love you (see where im going with this)? we become door mats, we allow them to mess with our head and go about as they please, we arent boy friends, we are merely playing the role of their parent, we are the ones that try to teach them that cheating is not ok, shouting at us when we are trying to be there for them is not ok, but they are merely children who will NEVER take responsibility.

The best advise I was given by someone on this forum was this? do YOU really want to hear from her again and reconnect? because if you do go over to the staying forum and read about how depressed and emotionally the partners of the BPD have become, low feelings of self worth, feelings of suicide the lot.   Is this the path you wish to go down? because I assure you as soon as she knows your interested again she will drop you without a care in the world we are only there to stroke their fragile ego, they dont love they need, there's a difference.  They NEED us to make them feel whole again they dont love us they love the way we make THEM feel.  Its all me,me,me in their eyes.

Do you know why they use the silent treatment? its a form of psychological abuse, they are the most passive aggressive types of people on the planet, and yes she is basically punishing you for something she feels you did, and yes she does want you to chase her thats the psychology behind this.

The strong man will not play these child's games nor will he react by replying because by doing this it shows her that you are weak.

The weak man will blow up her phone "baby i love yoy please talk to me, i cant stop crying" she will LOVE the weak man because in her head shes thinking he wants me and in return you stroke her ego and make her feel special.

Please for your sake be the strong man and ignore any contact she makes, because she will only use you, maybe sleep with you again then run for the hills, and if BPD is still hard for you to understand just say to yourself

SHE IS MENTALLY ILL

Hope that helps           

[Infared]

Thank you very much for the very insightful answer. My situation is complicated because of a few reasons:

1. She was the one who broke contact with me. So part of me thinks she feels like she 'won'

2. She threatened a harassment lawsuit against me. If she were to contact me first, that would nullify that.

However, do I think she fully moved on? No. She never blocked me on facebook in the first place. But this whole silence from her certainly is still "active." We are not friends on FB. It is complete silence.I mean it's been 3 weeks now for me since last contact. For what we used to do, that's like an eternity. But I do believe because of this deafening silence from her, she probably still struggles with me. I would like to hear from her, is the truth. Her first contact with me will probably be a positive one.

Until I read your post, I never thought of it that way, that her deafening silence is a sign of her not having moved on yet. Really interesting insight. In a lot of ways, I might be more "moved on" from her because I'm not afraid to mention her name.

Not afraid to talk about what happened. Obviously I'm not, or I wouldn't be here. Hell, I'm not even afraid to admit the fact that I DO MISS her.

Our breakup was really, really bad. It's hard to believe she'll contact me again after what happened.

I know your new to all this, but take it from someone who is finally out of the FOG, you think you want to hear from her again, but trust me you dont! I was just like you, I miss her, i dont care if shes pregnant and slept with this guy the day after the break up, I dont care if she turned her 6 year old son against me, I get how your feeling, trust me I do.  What you need to understand here, is this, I dont want to offend anybody but Im giving you the most honest advice I can give.

Partners of BPDs are co dependent thus meaning they suffer from playing the role of knight in shining armor, I was one of these types of people, you have no boundaries you let them emotionally or physically abuse you, but you accept it because you feel sorry for her.  You are literally becoming the trigger for her behavior, its ok if you cheat on me because I still love you (see where im going with this)? we become door mats, we allow them to mess with our head and go about as they please, we arent boy friends, we are merely playing the role of their parent, we are the ones that try to teach them that cheating is not ok, shouting at us when we are trying to be there for them is not ok, but they are merely children who will NEVER take responsibility.

The best advise I was given by someone on this forum was this? do YOU really want to hear from her again and reconnect? because if you do go over to the staying forum and read about how depressed and emotionally the partners of the BPD have become, low feelings of self worth, feelings of suicide the lot.   Is this the path you wish to go down? because I assure you as soon as she knows your interested again she will drop you without a care in the world we are only there to stroke their fragile ego, they dont love they need, there's a difference.  They NEED us to make them feel whole again they dont love us they love the way we make THEM feel.  Its all me,me,me in their eyes.

Do you know why they use the silent treatment? its a form of psychological abuse, they are the most passive aggressive types of people on the planet, and yes she is basically punishing you for something she feels you did, and yes she does want you to chase her thats the psychology behind this.

The strong man will not play these child's games nor will he react by replying because by doing this it shows her that you are weak.

The weak man will blow up her phone "baby i love yoy please talk to me, i cant stop crying" she will LOVE the weak man because in her head shes thinking he wants me and in return you stroke her ego and make her feel special.

Please for your sake be the strong man and ignore any contact she makes, because she will only use you, maybe sleep with you again then run for the hills, and if BPD is still hard for you to understand just say to yourself

SHE IS MENTALLY ILL

Hope that helps           

+1000!

[Reecer1588]

I'm still in the FOG but... .Wow. That was moving man. Really moving. I haven't been over to "staying" part of the forum yet, but I will visit it sometimes. Thank you so much for the powerful info. And yes, of all the emotional abuse tactics my uBPDexgf used on me, man I'm telling you the silent treatment is the worst. I mean it is the ABSOLUTE, UNEQUIVOCAL worst of her behavior.

[Mr Hollande]

It is very true that the "staying" forum makes for sobering reading.

[jammo1989]

I'm still in the FOG but... .Wow. That was moving man. Really moving. I haven't been over to "staying" part of the forum yet, but I will visit it sometimes. Thank you so much for the powerful info. And yes, of all the emotional abuse tactics my uBPDexgf used on me, man I'm telling you the silent treatment is the worst. I mean it is the ABSOLUTE, UNEQUIVOCAL worst of her behavior.

Bro, i never cried over my ex, but the emotional strength it took to accept everything took a lot, but guess what? I can now say i was the ONLY one of her exes that didnt chase her, and trust me she knows that, so if anything I not anybody else but I handled the situation in the best possible way, trust me when i say i spent around 4-5 hours a day for 4 months researching Cluster Bs obsessively, but to me that was my closure, remember knowledge is power.  I can tell you a lot of reasons why she uses the silent treatment to punish you, and if you would like to know about each of these reasons in depth just let me know, because I have my ex sussed and hopefully in a few months you will carry on this mind set.        

[JRT]

 I can tell you a lot of reasons why she uses the silent treatment to punish you, and if you would like to know about each of these reasons in depth just let me know,      [/quote]
Please do!

[Alberto]

I can tell you a lot of reasons why she uses the silent treatment to punish you, and if you would like to know about each of these reasons in depth just let me know,      

Please do![/quote]
What's the common theme in pwBPD? Chronic feelings of emptiness, depression and sadness. Nons are patches that fill the void and when they find a doormat they will use it to finally feel powerful and in control.

They know it's wrong, but the pain is so big that they feel it's justified.

[jammo1989]

 I can tell you a lot of reasons why she uses the silent treatment to punish you, and if you would like to know about each of these reasons in depth just let me know,      

Please do![/quote]

 I can tell you a lot of reasons why she uses the silent treatment to punish you, and if you would like to know about each of these reasons in depth just let me know,      

The silent treat is emotional abuse and there's a number of different reasons why a Cluser B choices to use this passive aggressive behavior

Reason number 1 (the chase)

They are angry at you because your not doing what they want you to, when a BPD feels like they are losing their grasp on you (control) they will suddenly go cold, this passive aggressive behavior is her basically saying "If you don't do what I want you to then you will suffer just like I am" In other words what shes basically doing is projecting how she feels onto you, if shes angry at you and she will shut off completely (feel numb) (the emotional cut off point) she is expecting you to chase her, she wants you to tell her that you miss her and that you are sorry for upsetting her thus playing the role of the victim, when in reality SHE is the one that is making you the victim because through a logical frame of mind you are the victim.

So why does she play the victim? its a power thing, let me explain, BPDs can read people extremely well, their up bringing has allowed them to understand people a lot better than what we can, because they have experienced the good and evil side of people.  She knows that you have empathy, so what tends to happen is this: she will do something to upset you (bait) you react and she is now the victim, "Why would you say that about me?" YOU being the guy with empathy would then feel bad for what you said and in return you give all the power back to her by saying "Im sorry ok, i didnt mean to say it, I was just angry thats all" (see where im going with this?) she now has the upper hand over you by manipulating your reaction towards what she originally said to hurt you.

Reason 2 (the emotional cut off)

This is a learnt defense mechanism that allows her to switch off as soon as she fears rejection or an intense feeling of depression and anxiety, let me try and explain further for you:

the children of alcoholic parents are a perfect example for this defense mechanism, just imagine a child that was abused by an alcoholic mother or father.  The child gets home from school and is completely fine then later that night she hears the ring pull on a beer can, the child then fears the worst "what if i get beaten or verbally abused tonight?" So what happens is this: when they fear that something bad is going to happen they dissociate, ever heard an ex BPD say "I feel numb" they are basically using this emotional cut off to protect themselves from associating a break up with rejection or abandonment.

Reason 3

They feel so guilty for what they have done they think that running away and going silent is the only way to handle the situation, running away is all they have known to do since childhood, because if they faced their problems in a mature manner like we do their anxiety and depression would become unbearable.  So by running away and not contacting you is her way of saying "I feel safe" she is so wrapped up in her own emotional distress that she doesnt or should I say cant seem to process how others may feel, they are constantly swinging from tree to tree in the hope of finding the one, but in reality there is no the one.  Remember they are children trapped in adults bodies to try and sort your head out even more im going to relate children behavior to BPD.


When a child goes to the store and doesnt get what he wants he throws a tantrum (thats your ex)

When a child refuses to eat his food after an argument with mum and dad (passive aggressive)   (thats your ex)

When a child slams his bedroom door because hes been sent to his room for being naughty (thats your ex)

As you can see you only have to analyse the behavior of children only to realize that BPDs are practically tarnished with the same brush     

[Reecer1588]

 I can tell you a lot of reasons why she uses the silent treatment to punish you, and if you would like to know about each of these reasons in depth just let me know,      

Please do!

 I can tell you a lot of reasons why she uses the silent treatment to punish you, and if you would like to know about each of these reasons in depth just let me know,      

The silent treat is emotional abuse and there's a number of different reasons why a Cluser B choices to use this passive aggressive behavior

Reason number 1 (the chase)

They are angry at you because your not doing what they want you to, when a BPD feels like they are losing their grasp on you (control) they will suddenly go cold, this passive aggressive behavior is her basically saying "If you don't do what I want you to then you will suffer just like I am" In other words what shes basically doing is projecting how she feels onto you, if shes angry at you and she will shut off completely (feel numb) (the emotional cut off point) she is expecting you to chase her, she wants you to tell her that you miss her and that you are sorry for upsetting her thus playing the role of the victim, when in reality SHE is the one that is making you the victim because through a logical frame of mind you are the victim.

So why does she play the victim? its a power thing, let me explain, BPDs can read people extremely well, their up bringing has allowed them to understand people a lot better than what we can, because they have experienced the good and evil side of people.  She knows that you have empathy, so what tends to happen is this: she will do something to upset you (bait) you react and she is now the victim, "Why would you say that about me?" YOU being the guy with empathy would then feel bad for what you said and in return you give all the power back to her by saying "Im sorry ok, i didnt mean to say it, I was just angry thats all" (see where im going with this?) she now has the upper hand over you by manipulating your reaction towards what she originally said to hurt you.

Reason 2 (the emotional cut off)

This is a learnt defense mechanism that allows her to switch off as soon as she fears rejection or an intense feeling of depression and anxiety, let me try and explain further for you:

the children of alcoholic parents are a perfect example for this defense mechanism, just imagine a child that was abused by an alcoholic mother or father.  The child gets home from school and is completely fine then later that night she hears the ring pull on a beer can, the child then fears the worst "what if i get beaten or verbally abused tonight?" So what happens is this: when they fear that something bad is going to happen they dissociate, ever heard an ex BPD say "I feel numb" they are basically using this emotional cut off to protect themselves from associating a break up with rejection or abandonment.

Reason 3

They feel so guilty for what they have done they think that running away and going silent is the only way to handle the situation, running away is all they have known to do since childhood, because if they faced their problems in a mature manner like we do their anxiety and depression would become unbearable.  So by running away and not contacting you is her way of saying "I feel safe" she is so wrapped up in her own emotional distress that she doesnt or should I say cant seem to process how others may feel, they are constantly swinging from tree to tree in the hope of finding the one, but in reality there is no the one.  Remember they are children trapped in adults bodies to try and sort your head out even more im going to relate children behavior to BPD.


When a child goes to the store and doesnt get what he wants he throws a tantrum (thats your ex)

When a child refuses to eat his food after an argument with mum and dad (passive aggressive)   (thats your ex)

When a child slams his bedroom door because hes been sent to his room for being naughty (thats your ex)

As you can see you only have to analyse the behavior of children only to realize that BPDs are practically tarnished with the same brush      [/quote]
Really insightful. I am wondering though, can a mixture of these reasons be at play in my uBPDexgf? Specifically what I'm seeing here is lengths of time. If something I've done has upset her (and I am far from perfect, I upset plenty of NONs as well), she might only pull the silent treatment on me for a small period of time. (Reason 1)

Reason 2: More intermediate silent treatment: Towards the end of my ex's and I's time together, I feel like she was deliberately and calculatingly emotionally detaching , always finding any excuse she could "I was being disrespectful to her, belittling her, making her feel like a child" to give me the silent treatment.

Reason 3: Part of her knows that all of what she did to me was really wrong, really messed up. And so in order to maintain her sense of "self" and avoid "admittance" she now has given me the permanent silent treatment, now going on 3 weeks.

What you think of my analysis?

[JRT]

First off, thanks for providing this to us. The more that I learn about what compels them, the more that I feel a bit of healing. I really appreciate it!

Mine probably fits most in the reason 3 category but I can see overlaps with reason 1 and 2. In those terms, I am having a difficult time reconciling one thing: I can VERY much see her wanting me to chase after her, it was definitely a factor in all of our recycles. However, this time, not only did she block every conceivable manner of normal contact (phone, text, social media, etc.) but my two attempts to contact her via phone (from unblocked hotel lines while traveling for work) were responded to by a letter from a lawyer to file a PPO and a call from the local cops. I know that this extreme is proportionate to her shame and, frankly, how much she was emotionally invested in our r/s but, as if the blocking were not enough, her threatening legal action twice is a pretty strong indication that she doesn't want me to chase her. Or, was her action something that she had done capriciously not intending the over the top effect? What do you think?

I have a hard time justifying any attempt to contact her at this point given the threat of legal ramifications. But I had an exchange with one of her GF's via IM (might even have been my ex using her account) that insisted that I 'did not care'. It came out of the blue (many things BPD sure seem to) but I wonder if my lack of interest in chasing her despite the legal threat has given rise to this sentiment which she then communicated to her GF... .just thinking out loud here.

[JRT]

 Towards the end of my ex's and I's time together, I feel like she was deliberately and calculatingly emotionally detaching , always finding any excuse she could "I was being disrespectful to her, belittling her, making her feel like a child" to give me the silent treatment.[/quote]
I thought that this was interesting... .two days before she did her disappearing act, mine had told me something akin to this that I had never heard her say before. Something to the effect that I make her feel badly about herself. It was a bit shocking to me since I worked so hard to support her and make her feel very much appreciated AND, over the 2 years that we were together, she has said only the opposite.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Reecer I tend to think they can use all three scenarios for the silent treatment, not necessarily in the stated order, but for how it meets their needs. My uBPDexgf rarely gave me the silent treatment in the 9.5 yrs together. Indeed, she didn't really exhibit full blown BPD minus the cutting until the last 4 yrs of our relationship and those actions were largely directed at others instead of me.

However one instance that I had not thought of till you mentioned it and jammo as well was back last July when she was leaving and I didn't fully understand what was going on. She included me in a group text about her finally going to sign final papers for a custody battle that had lingered for over two yrs with her exH. When I questioned her as to why I hadn't heard anything about the status of the case since the end of May (long story, I have plenty of posts on here related to it)'she said "you always got angry whenever I told you something about the case and I didn't want to have to listen to it. And don't say you didn't because you know you did."

This woman thanked me every single time I pointed out the injustice she was being done by her city's legal system, by her exH, and even by her own attorney, and went as far as to say lovingly, no less, that she told all of her friends she didn't have to get angry about the case because me and another one of her friends got angry enough for her not to have to do it. Then she would tell me she loved me for it. Every single time. Until she was leaving.

Then she used that action as an excuse to give me the silent treatment, I just didn't realize it for what it was at the time. To say I got infuriated is an understatement. I didn't say anything back at that point, tho. However the day I got her breakup note, she got an earful.

My point is, see how it works? All along she's been fine with a behavior, may even tell you it's one of the things she loves about you, until she has to find a reason to justify her immature, selfish, cruel actions. Then even how you went to the bathroom is on the table.

I am now enjoying her emotional cruelty by being given the silent treatment because she didn't like the way I told her to go to hell. But after 9.5 yrs and a group text letting me know about finalizing a court order after I helped financially and emotionally for 2.5 yrs, that was just too much even for my mild mannerdness.

[jammo1989]

 I can tell you a lot of reasons why she uses the silent treatment to punish you, and if you would like to know about each of these reasons in depth just let me know,      

Please do!

 I can tell you a lot of reasons why she uses the silent treatment to punish you, and if you would like to know about each of these reasons in depth just let me know,      

The silent treat is emotional abuse and there's a number of different reasons why a Cluser B choices to use this passive aggressive behavior

Reason number 1 (the chase)

They are angry at you because your not doing what they want you to, when a BPD feels like they are losing their grasp on you (control) they will suddenly go cold, this passive aggressive behavior is her basically saying "If you don't do what I want you to then you will suffer just like I am" In other words what shes basically doing is projecting how she feels onto you, if shes angry at you and she will shut off completely (feel numb) (the emotional cut off point) she is expecting you to chase her, she wants you to tell her that you miss her and that you are sorry for upsetting her thus playing the role of the victim, when in reality SHE is the one that is making you the victim because through a logical frame of mind you are the victim.

So why does she play the victim? its a power thing, let me explain, BPDs can read people extremely well, their up bringing has allowed them to understand people a lot better than what we can, because they have experienced the good and evil side of people.  She knows that you have empathy, so what tends to happen is this: she will do something to upset you (bait) you react and she is now the victim, "Why would you say that about me?" YOU being the guy with empathy would then feel bad for what you said and in return you give all the power back to her by saying "Im sorry ok, i didnt mean to say it, I was just angry thats all" (see where im going with this?) she now has the upper hand over you by manipulating your reaction towards what she originally said to hurt you.

Reason 2 (the emotional cut off)

This is a learnt defense mechanism that allows her to switch off as soon as she fears rejection or an intense feeling of depression and anxiety, let me try and explain further for you:

the children of alcoholic parents are a perfect example for this defense mechanism, just imagine a child that was abused by an alcoholic mother or father.  The child gets home from school and is completely fine then later that night she hears the ring pull on a beer can, the child then fears the worst "what if i get beaten or verbally abused tonight?" So what happens is this: when they fear that something bad is going to happen they dissociate, ever heard an ex BPD say "I feel numb" they are basically using this emotional cut off to protect themselves from associating a break up with rejection or abandonment.

Reason 3

They feel so guilty for what they have done they think that running away and going silent is the only way to handle the situation, running away is all they have known to do since childhood, because if they faced their problems in a mature manner like we do their anxiety and depression would become unbearable.  So by running away and not contacting you is her way of saying "I feel safe" she is so wrapped up in her own emotional distress that she doesnt or should I say cant seem to process how others may feel, they are constantly swinging from tree to tree in the hope of finding the one, but in reality there is no the one.  Remember they are children trapped in adults bodies to try and sort your head out even more im going to relate children behavior to BPD.


When a child goes to the store and doesnt get what he wants he throws a tantrum (thats your ex)

When a child refuses to eat his food after an argument with mum and dad (passive aggressive)   (thats your ex)

When a child slams his bedroom door because hes been sent to his room for being naughty (thats your ex)

As you can see you only have to analyse the behavior of children only to realize that BPDs are practically tarnished with the same brush     

Really insightful. I am wondering though, can a mixture of these reasons be at play in my uBPDexgf? Specifically what I'm seeing here is lengths of time. If something I've done has upset her (and I am far from perfect, I upset plenty of NONs as well), she might only pull the silent treatment on me for a small period of time. (Reason 1)

Reason 2: More intermediate silent treatment: Towards the end of my ex's and I's time together, I feel like she was deliberately and calculatingly emotionally detaching , always finding any excuse she could "I was being disrespectful to her, belittling her, making her feel like a child" to give me the silent treatment.

Reason 3: Part of her knows that all of what she did to me was really wrong, really messed up. And so in order to maintain her sense of "self" and avoid "admittance" she now has given me the permanent silent treatment, now going on 3 weeks.

What you think of my analysis?[/quote]
Your an analysis would make sense, yeah there can mixed and and contracting factors during the silent treatment, it doesn't matter if its reason 1,2 or 3 the core purpose of the silent treatment is CONTROL.  Think about it, she hurts you then breaks up with you, she blocks you on social media and by phone, we as NONs natural response is guilt, even though THEY are the ones that are the guilty ones.  It is human logic that if something is locked we will pick at it untill it opens, If you are trapped in a cave you will look for a hole in the wall to try and escape.  This is exactly how the BPD plays their game, when my ex HPD blocked me and set her FB to private I tried every way possible to have some kind of access, i even set up a new FB account to check up on her, by her blocking or cutting you me off it makes you obsessively want to chase after her "Im sorry, can we talk about it?" thats why the silent treatment is abuse it makes us feel guilty for someone elses wrong doing.  I understand that sher hasnt blocked you as you did state that, but she most definitely expecting you to chase.  See what tends to happen is this, they will play mind games like baiting, she will say something in order to get a reaction from you.  For example "That guys so fit" she wants you to validate her by saying no baby your mine in an aggressive manner, when you dont react to these games she starts running out of ways to get your attention, so when she goes silent on you, a few months go by she will be thinking "why hasnt he tried to contact me?" she will start to feel anxious leading to impulsive behavior of trying to reach out because she doesnt want you to be happy without her, that is when you will hear from her dont reach out to her, and if she tries DO NOT reply, you are in the stage of setting boundaries you WILL NOT be treated like her door mat.  So regarding your will she contact me again, she will BUT only if YOU be the strong man i mentioned to you early about, she will start missing you because in her head shes expecting you to reach out, why else would she go silent on you? she wants the chase, plus shes 19 so with Teenage in mind the chase is the reason im going to base this silent treatment on.            

[jammo1989]

First off, thanks for providing this to us. The more that I learn about what compels them, the more that I feel a bit of healing. I really appreciate it!

Mine probably fits most in the reason 3 category but I can see overlaps with reason 1 and 2. In those terms, I am having a difficult time reconciling one thing: I can VERY much see her wanting me to chase after her, it was definitely a factor in all of our recycles. However, this time, not only did she block every conceivable manner of normal contact (phone, text, social media, etc.) but my two attempts to contact her via phone (from unblocked hotel lines while traveling for work) were responded to by a letter from a lawyer to file a PPO and a call from the local cops. I know that this extreme is proportionate to her shame and, frankly, how much she was emotionally invested in our r/s but, as if the blocking were not enough, her threatening legal action twice is a pretty strong indication that she doesn't want me to chase her. Or, was her action something that she had done capriciously not intending the over the top effect? What do you think?

I have a hard time justifying any attempt to contact her at this point given the threat of legal ramifications. But I had an exchange with one of her GF's via IM (might even have been my ex using her account) that insisted that I 'did not care'. It came out of the blue (many things BPD sure seem to) but I wonder if my lack of interest in chasing her despite the legal threat has given rise to this sentiment which she then communicated to her GF... .just thinking out loud here.

JRT in your case I would say that, she blocked you because reminding herself of you triggers her core shame, she cant handle her emotions there so dis-regulated, I can relate in a way because my ex would be completly fine over text towards the end by if i called her as soon as she heard my voice she would cry her eyes out, saying things like "James I love you but when ever I hear your voice I hate you, I hate you for making me feel like this (triggering her BPD/HPD.  Furthermore, my opinion on the legal action is solely down to wanting to play the victim role, she needs to control the situation, but she also wants it to look like your the crazy one and that shes the normal one.  She knows that shes messed up but if she can hide behind the mask to the outside world she feels safe.  For example if she knew that everyone around her knew the real her (the person behind the mask) she would feel such intense guilt and would most probably do something dangerous to stop the intense emotions she now faces.  She is making you the abuser by going to the police, when in reality SHE is the one thats abusive not you, its all about hiding her true identity to the outside world, you now know the real her and because there's such shame on her part she must run in the fear of being found out for who she really is.   

[JRT]

First off, thanks for providing this to us. The more that I learn about what compels them, the more that I feel a bit of healing. I really appreciate it!

Mine probably fits most in the reason 3 category but I can see overlaps with reason 1 and 2. In those terms, I am having a difficult time reconciling one thing: I can VERY much see her wanting me to chase after her, it was definitely a factor in all of our recycles. However, this time, not only did she block every conceivable manner of normal contact (phone, text, social media, etc.) but my two attempts to contact her via phone (from unblocked hotel lines while traveling for work) were responded to by a letter from a lawyer to file a PPO and a call from the local cops. I know that this extreme is proportionate to her shame and, frankly, how much she was emotionally invested in our r/s but, as if the blocking were not enough, her threatening legal action twice is a pretty strong indication that she doesn't want me to chase her. Or, was her action something that she had done capriciously not intending the over the top effect? What do you think?

I have a hard time justifying any attempt to contact her at this point given the threat of legal ramifications. But I had an exchange with one of her GF's via IM (might even have been my ex using her account) that insisted that I 'did not care'. It came out of the blue (many things BPD sure seem to) but I wonder if my lack of interest in chasing her despite the legal threat has given rise to this sentiment which she then communicated to her GF... .just thinking out loud here.

JRT in your case I would say that, she blocked you because reminding herself of you triggers her core shame, she cant handle her emotions there so dis-regulated, I can relate in a way because my ex would be completly fine over text towards the end by if i called her as soon as she heard my voice she would cry her eyes out, saying things like "James I love you but when ever I hear your voice I hate you, I hate you for making me feel like this (triggering her BPD/HPD.  Furthermore, my opinion on the legal action is solely down to wanting to play the victim role, she needs to control the situation, but she also wants it to look like your the crazy one and that shes the normal one.  She knows that shes messed up but if she can hide behind the mask to the outside world she feels safe.  For example if she knew that everyone around her knew the real her (the person behind the mask) she would feel such intense guilt and would most probably do something dangerous to stop the intense emotions she now faces.  She is making you the abuser by going to the police, when in reality SHE is the one thats abusive not you, its all about hiding her true identity to the outside world, you now know the real her and because there's such shame on her part she must run in the fear of being found out for who she really is.   

It all makes sense: she must be continuing to claim that I am some sort of monster as I have gone from unfriended to blocked with some of her friends on FB (about the only communication I have with her if you can call it that)... .I also know that her son referred to me to a mutual friend as 'psycho' (I had a good laugh about that). But the question remains; does she want me to chase her even given these extremes? Did she build her barriers so thoroughly that its impossible for her to make contact?


Sorry, don't mean to hijack the thread.

[Reecer1588]

IT's ok about the hijacking

I'm just going to post that the original question about them contacting you out of the blue is still open for new responses.

[Mutt]

The thread has reached it's post limit and is now locked. It's a worthwhile topic and a similar topic of discussion may be started.