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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Wife with BPD has filed a restraining order  (Read 330 times)
tayfern
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 2


« on: February 26, 2015, 10:30:19 AM »

My wife and I have been married for 15 years, During this time, we have has numerous "disagreements". At first I put that down to being a "blended" family, even though neither of our kids live with us.

However, over the years I realized that my wife or indeed myself, need professional help. We sought counseling (after getting back together following a previous RO). She  did not like the sessions, so quit. The therapist however suggested that my wife may have BPD.

Well over the next 10 years I have noted and tracked her behaviours and she certainly seems to exhibit the manifestations of a person with BPD. She is however, highly functioning, driven and has no suicidal episodes.

Some background

My employment means that I have to travel and I know that this triggers "abandonment issues" with her. She will cut me off about a week before I have to go, refuses to communicate with me whilst I am away, then no physical contact for a month and very little verbal - almost complete silence and an ignoring of me. That is followed by rage and anger for a few weeks before things seem to return to "normal" Recently we decided to move home but she changed her mind about the move.

In Dec 2014, the mother (first wife) of my daughter passed away. I went to England to support my daughter and ended up staying 2 extra days due to the delays in the funeral arrangement (took place over xmas). When I got home, my wife was not there, She 'disappeared" for the days not telling me where she was or with whom. Upon her return, we went back into the dysfunction of silence / no contact etc.

After one of the blizzard storms, we had an angry exchange, she left and then the next day filed a Restraining Order saying she was in fear for her life as I may have a gun!

We have been apart for a month and I am at the crossroads as to what to do. Her son wants nothing to do with his month stating she is mentally ill (They have had a turbulent relationship for some time and he moved from MA to TX). Her sisters state that she need help as she exhibits the same traits as her mother who is on medical treatment to control her moods. However, they are all afraid to talk to her about the help she needs.


I have appointed a lawyer to clear my name and to get the home back, but I am not sure if this is the best thing to do... .Indeed I know not what to do at all.  I am just hovering, frozen, unable to make any meaningful decisions about moving on with my life.  I will be seeing a Mental Health doctor upon my return to the USA next week.

I love my wife, but am not sure:

1) if we can salvage our relationship

2) if I want to get back into the marriage

3) if I should move away like I did the first time and

40 If I do move away and she then changes her mind and wants to get back together, what I should do... .

Suffice to say, this is a mess and I am drowning in it!

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marymojo2002
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« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2015, 10:55:24 AM »

   It sounds like you are in a very emotionally dangerous relationship. She has crossed the line by filing a restraining order. If i were you, i would cut off all communication with her ( which I guess you have to anyway-- make her live by the restraining order so she can see the consequences of her actions) and not ever allow her to reach you again even if you have to change numbers. If you try to clear your name, remember that people affected by BPD are very persuasive and are likely able to get anyone to believe their story. You will have to remain super calm and collected and let her true self shine through because that will probably only make her madder. On a side note, be strong and supportive of the kids. Keep the kids out of the drama as much as you can. Don't confide in them all the hateful stuff that is happening. It is really hard for them to carry that stuff around and you definitely dont want the BPD to trickle down to anymore generations.

However, that sounds really easy to do and the heart wants what it wants. If you eventually do consider having a relationship with her, I would make it part of the agreement that she goes to counseling weekly, gets on medication to try to tone down her swings and you might want to consider how to stop the triggers. If your job is a trigger for her because of all the travelling, I would try to find a job that makes her feel more secure. I am sure her mind was going crazy when you went to England to support your daughter, which of course you had to do. Maybe the next time you go away you can bring her with you so she doesnt feel abandoned even if you have to leave and do things while you are there, she will know that you will be spending the night with her. I read a great book called I Hate you, Dont Leave Me

which gives examples on how to talk to someone when they are having a BPD meltdown. It will take alot of work on your side if you want to do it. It takes alot to be calm and positive when the person you love is hurling out insults. It doesn't always seem fair, but remember it is an illness, just like asthma or diabetes. It is something that is very hard to control and will take alot of work. Remember, with BPD black is black and white is white. When they are mad at you, you can be the worst evil that has ever existed, and when they are happy with you, you will be the most wonderful person in the world that has never commited any wrong... .be careful. I really wish I could help, but the most I did was babble. Either way, I am supporting you and wish you the best!
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PaintedBlack28
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« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2015, 11:54:56 AM »

Dear friend

You are doing quite well under the circumstances. Doesn't sound to me you need a mental health professional. Now that you have a restraining order make good use of it, and make it impossible for her to reach you. Don't worry about the smear campaign. Do take care of the kids.

I believe wise people in these boards will give you sound advice for the rest of the matters that worry you. And don't worry (too much). I've been there, so I know how it feels. You will ne OK.

Take care and exercise so you can dissipate stress. You will need a clear mind since you are under attack and in a state of war.

Cheers
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