Auxiliary Contact with a BPD exSO?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello Everyone,

I am in a situation where at some point I am going to re-engage my BPDexgf----NOT as a romantic interest, not even as a friend. I guess that she would simply be categorized as an acquaintance that has a very special place in my life. We could occasionally have dinner together, take a drive in the country together, sit in my porch swing and gaze at the stars, etc.

I know that I will see the question of "why" posted below, so let me answer that. Our friendship, before she recently destroyed it, went all the way back to our teenage years; we are approximately 50 now. This woman meant a great deal to me at one time, and I greatly value the role that she has played in my life over the years. I would like her to continue to be a part of my life in some capacity.

Unfortunately, due to her personality disorder that I was unaware of until we entered into a romantic relationship, I've had to sever all ties with her and end all communication with her. This is quiet unacceptable to me. I would rather not go to my next life with her as a "nothing" to me in this life.

I know about boundaries and enforcing them. I know about BPD mirroring, manipulation, etc. In other words, I will not be entering this blindly and without knowledge/tools to protect myself. Although I value everyone's opinion, this is not a thread about whether I should or should not contact my BPDexgf. That decision has already been made.

I am specifically looking for imput from anyone that has been in a similar situation with a BPD exSO like I am proposing. Was it maintainable? Was it beneficial to both parties? Is it something that you, the Non, felt/feel good about? Etc.

Thank you for your response, and may we all find peace within or without the BPD chaos!

[apollotech]

Hello Everyone,

I am in a situation where at some point I am going to re-engage my BPDexgf----NOT as a romantic interest, not even as a friend. I guess that she would simply be categorized as an acquaintance that has a very special place in my life. We could occasionally have dinner together, take a drive in the country together, sit in my porch swing and gaze at the stars, etc.

I know that I will see the question of "why" posted below, so let me answer that. Our friendship, before she recently destroyed it, went all the way back to our teenage years; we are approximately 50 now. This woman meant a great deal to me at one time, and I greatly value the role that she has played in my life over the years. I would like her to continue to be a part of my life in some capacity.

Unfortunately, due to her personality disorder that I was unaware of until we entered into a romantic relationship, I've had to sever all ties with her and end all communication with her. This is quiet unacceptable to me. I would rather not go to my next life with her as a "nothing" to me in this life.

I know about boundaries and enforcing them. I know about BPD mirroring, manipulation, etc. In other words, I will not be entering this blindly and without knowledge/tools to protect myself. Although I value everyone's opinion, this is not a thread about whether I should or should not contact my BPDexgf. That decision has already been made.

I am specifically looking for imput from anyone that has been in a similar situation with a BPD exSO like I am proposing. Was it maintainable? Was it beneficial to both parties? Is it something that you, the Non, felt/feel good about? Etc.

Thank you for your response, and may we all find peace within or without the BPD chaos!

[Mutt]

Hi apollotech,

NOT as a romantic interest, not even as a friend. I guess that she would simply be categorized as an acquaintance that has a very special place in my life.

There's ambiguity. My ex holds a special place in my heart for me because I did the work after the break-up and detaching. It was a journey in self-discovery, reflecting the mirror back on myself. I found a lot of answers about myself and it was a lot of growth and it was the silver-lining with a break-up difficult because of my attachment style. She taught me a wealth of valuable lessons in a short span of time and nobody else in my life had this type of effect.

She's mentally ill, wired differently, emotionally arrested and has difficulties seeing the needs of others. I don't think she'll reciprocate or understand the feelings. What I value is the change, I thought happiness was found in someone else and I think it starts with you.

I do have a friendly rapport with her, she is still attached and I think a challenge is the shame and guilt that she feels for her actions. I learn as much as I can about BPD and understand that she has difficulties trusting herself and others, has low self esteem, low self worth, insecure and maladaptive coping mechanisms.

I think it's a goal you can achieve if you wish, although I needed to grieve the r/s, detach and go through the pain to get this type of awareness about myself and her as well.

Is this a goal you wish to attain in the future? It's her choice as well and what you may see or want may be something different for her. She has social impairments.

It took time and a lot of work.

[apollotech]

Hi Mutt,

Thank you for your response. I agree that there is some ambiguity as to how I would see my BPDexgf in the relationship that I am eventually going to propose. I certainly have not worked through all of my thoughts/feelings/concerns on the matter. I do know that what we are as of now is not something that is acceptable to me. I had to sepetate us in order to gain control of myself and also to protect myself. I never intended for it to be permanent; although, she might think that it is or should be. If she feels that it should be then all of this will have been a moot point. I certainly hope that will not be the case.

There are many unknowns here for me as I am now traversing new territory. I had never even heard of BPD until she and I became romantically involved and the relationship became intimate enough to trigger her disorder. It was quiet an eye opening, destructive experience to say the least. She now knows that I know what is wrong with her, and I believe that has really frightened her.

I know that for us to be together in some capacity will require a lot of work from both of us. I am willing to go that route, and I think that she will feel the same way also. I certainly appreciate your candor. I am happy that there is at least one story where an ex couple were able to maintain some civil contact/relationship out of want rather than need. I have time to think about this as it wouldn't be something that I'd try to iniate anytime soon, maybe several months from now. Again, this is all contingent upon her thoughts, feelings, and needs as well.

[Mutt]

I know that for us to be together in some capacity will require a lot of work from both of us

She's frightened that you know that there may be something wrong with her.

What if she doesn't change?

Can you accept her for whom she is today.

My ex is not aware that she is mentally ill. She may be and she's never shared it with me. In fact, in 8 years I can recall a handful of times were I think it sounded like she was speaking from her true feelings.

A reality, she may not go into therapy and do the work and if she did, is she going to commit and recover? I accept that she may not do this. Her reality is as real to her as mine is to me. I can't convince her and my kids are all under 10, maybe she may go into therapy because my kids may say something to her in the future?

She hides it very well. I changed because I didn't want to suffer conflict for the sake of my kids. As I started to learn more about BPD, her motivations as to why she does the things she does, I learned to accept her for who she is.

Her emotions are more intense, her belief system is different and copes differently. I choose to depersonalize the behaviors of the disorder, communicate differently and I'm aware when she's triggered, I try not to push buttons or defend when she attacks and blames.

She can't meet me half-way, I meet her where she can meet me which is around 20 / 80.

[apollotech]

Hey Mutt,

I have already accepted her for who she is. I have forgiven her and educated myself about BPD. She is a person with a mental illness. She does not see, feel, nor understand reality as I do.

She knows that she has mental problems. She has questioned me about wanting to be with her because she knows that she is "f**ked up" (her words). She has told me that she can never be what I would need her to be because of her mental issues. She has no idea that she has BPD, or at least I don't think so. Although, she has been to several shrinks. She has told me that she has only been diagnosed as a bipolar.

We were talking one time and she told me that no one knew how she felt, how she thought. I started telling her in a very general way some of the things that I had learned about how a pwBPD feels and thinks. She went dead silent and emotionless. Finally she said, "No one has ever said to me the things that you say to me." (her words). I figured that I had hit pretty close to home. Unfortunately, she has never mentioned seeking help for her issues.

My general assessment is that she is okay with her disordered life. She also has very strong NPD traits. She is physically very beautiful, fantastic bone structure and frame. Men run after her and she eats that up. I didn't and won't, and I believe that challenged the hell out of her. She is always the victim, never accepting any responsibility for her actions. She continuously exhibits BPD/NPD behavior/actions... .no impulse control whatsoever. Triangulating me with an exbf of hers ultimately terminated our relationship, which, by the way, was my fault (Who would have thunk it?... .LOL).

Like I stated earlier, this is not something that I am running back into, if in fact, it ever happens. It will be re-engagement primarily on my terms or it won't happen. I will simply wish her all the best and depart.