Healing from BPD breakup ~

[StarOfTheSea]

Hi  

I'm exactly two months post-breakup with my boyfriend who I strongly believe has BPD.

Our relationship started off very intense and we were both very much in love. (Inasmuch as he was capable of love.) Things moved very quickly for us because I got pregnant; soon after we found out I moved in with him and his young daughter. We planned on marrying in the spring and were even looking at houses. Everything was going beautifully and then I miscarried. I chose to cope with the grief by beginning counseling, resuming my antidepressants and by fully feeling the anguish. He choose to cope by never talking about it, being passive aggressive and buying a new car.

Our relationship was really suffering near the end: he was detached, uncommunicative, drinking and wouldn't have sex. He was also having significant financial issues and starting a new business, so I chalked the changes up to stress and tried to be the most supportive partner I could be.

Two days after Christmas he came home and told me that 'this isn't working for me anymore'. Two days after he gave me a diamond necklace and we celebrated the holiday at his parent's house! Frankly, I was sick of his BS so I stored my things in the shed we had at the house and went to a motel. He never called me that night to find out where I went or if I was ok. The next day we talked and he assured me that he never cheated, that I deserved a better lifestyle than what he could give and what was the most ambiguous comment that he ' just couldn't do this relationship right now.' I thought after everything settled down we might have a chance.

Fast forward to 6 weeks later: I discover that HE'S ENGAGED! He's engaged to the woman he was cheating on me with. It was an easy thing to figure out when they started their relationship since he's on fb; they started communicating three weeks before I left. So yes, he outright lied to me when he insisted there was no one else. What's even more dysfunctional is that she's an ex of his from over ten years ago that blatantly cheated on HIM when they were together. It makes me ill knowing I loved this man, was intimate with him, and trusted him.

I know this post is long, but from reading around these boards I truly believe he has BPD, these are the reasons why: always talked about exes and kept in contact with them, anger issues, emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, selfish, self abusive behavior such as chain smoking, drinking and overeating and an inability to connect emotionally.

Thank you for letting me get some of this out and for soldiering through my long post.

[Mutt]

Hi StarOfTheSea, 



I'm sorry to hear had to go through this.

We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. What we can look at are traits and behaviors and what's acceptable behaviors to us.

It's hard when a partner emotionally detaches is living a double life. Infidelity's tough. I can relate.

Is he communicating with you?

[willtimeheal]

So sorry Starofthesea,

Sorry for your pain and for you having to go through this. Know you are among friends and people who understand. My exBPD did the same thing... .secured the replacement before leaving. I am sure I will hear about the engagement soon.  During his time focus on you and take care of yourself. Hang in there. It does get easier with time.

[HappyNihilist]

Hi there, StarOfTheSea, and welcome to the family. I'm so sorry you're in pain.   The end of these relationships is often devastating and confusing. Like Mutt said, we can't diagnose, but we can look at what's acceptable behavior to us.

My exBPDbf also secured the replacement before he left me, and is now engaged to her. Our ending was also ambiguous, and he told me similar things ("you deserve better," "I just can't do a r/s right now," etc.) -- and the breakup was preceded by a heart-wrenching period of detachment/disinterest on his part. I know it hurts like hell. But it gets better.

Now is the time to focus on yourself and take care of You. 

[StarOfTheSea]

Hi StarOfTheSea, 



I'm sorry to hear had to go through this.

We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. What we can look at are traits and behaviors and what's acceptable behaviors to us.

It's hard when a partner emotionally detaches is living a double life. Infidelity's tough. I can relate.

Is he communicating with you?

Thankfully he isn't communicating with me. His last communication with me was an angry voicemail in which he STILL denied the cheating and said 'the woman I'm with now lost my baby 15 years before I ever met you, so you can stop playing that card'. That comment was incredibly cruel. I certainly don't think of the child I lost as a 'card to play'. Who the hell thinks like that? It's as if neither me nor our child ever mattered to him; that we could be so easily thrown away.

What makes me so angry is that out of everyone in his life, I'm the only one that treated him well, never wanted anything from him but his respect and affection and genuinely wanted him to be happy... .and that meant nothing to him. And that HE LIED. That's the part that really burns me.

It's like he morphed into a different person in those last two and a half months. I'm wondering if anyone has had experiences with BPD partners in which they seemed to turn into a different person?

   

[StarOfTheSea]

Hi there, StarOfTheSea, and welcome to the family. I'm so sorry you're in pain.   The end of these relationships is often devastating and confusing. Like Mutt said, we can't diagnose, but we can look at what's acceptable behavior to us.

My exBPDbf also secured the replacement before he left me, and is now engaged to her. Our ending was also ambiguous, and he told me similar things ("you deserve better," "I just can't do a r/s right now," etc.) -- and the breakup was preceded by a heart-wrenching period of detachment/disinterest on his part. I know it hurts like hell. But it gets better.

Now is the time to focus on yourself and take care of You. 

Wow, HN, were we with the same guy? Lol. I'm in a lot of pain right now, especially today since I went to light a candle for my son. What helps me is keeping a strict 'information blackout' regarding the ex, since seeing or hearing anything is like ripping off a band aid in my mind. The best I can do right now is to tell myself that the guy I loved is dead, that person checked out months ago and isn't coming back.