Do BPD's convince others that they are 'normal' and blame their partner?

[elmer]

Just found your site. I'm in absolute turmoil with my partner of 3.5 years who was diagnosed with BPD 10-12 years ago when she had her children removed from her care... .It's a very long and horrific story. She basically believes the diagnosis was 'stitched up' by her ex and she tells me her doctor has diagnosed her instead with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In a nutshell she blames me for EVERYTHING and has diagnosed me herself with everything from NPD to needing a psychiatrist. I even had counselling and check up by my GP who confirmed that I'm 'normal' and don't need such a thing.

Question. Do high functioning BPD's convince others that they are 'normal' and blame their partner?

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[going places]

My ex, if he's not demon possessed, is a N for sure, but definitely AS.

Oh, he has EVERYONE convinced that *I* am the 'crazy' one.

He is a master of disguises.

When I sat down with my GP (alone) and told her what was happening, she began to cry.

When she gave me a handful of referrals; the advocate, and the counselor both agreed, that I am not the disordered one.

He would NOT go anywhere near a legit counselor / T / P because he was afraid "they would hyptmotize him and make him do obscene things to the arm of the couch".

No... .

He didn't want to be 'found out'.

HE is the 'keeper of secrets, deceiver, does his dirty deeds in the cloak of darkness'... .and a trained professional could see right through his mask. There was no way he wanted to be found out.

I feel sorry for his next victim.

Even if it's the female that broke up our marriage.

No one deserves to be abused.

Not even adulterers.

[jjclark]

Elmer, sorry to hear about what you're going through right now.  Being blamed for things that go wrong by our partner when we do not have a hand in it is not an easy pill to swallow sometimes.

Can you tell us about your boundaries and how you have been applying them?  It sounds like this is not the first time that something like this happens between you.  How have you been handling it?

There will always be people blaming people for their shortcomings, and this is not unique to BPD-land.  

[Cat Familiar]

It seems that having BPD impedes their ability to self-reflect and typically they're carrying so much shame baggage, just looking within can be nightmarish. So they'd much rather assume that others are to blame.

It's hard to be a partner of a pwBPD for many reasons and you've certainly touched upon a big one. When they're randomly shooting out blame in all directions, you're in the line of fire and will take undeserved hits.

Please read the lessons on the right side of this page to help deflect some of the collateral damage. We understand how difficult it is to be blamed for things that have nothing to do with you.    Using the tools can make life easier when your partner starts blaming. Keep posting and tell us more about your story. 

[maxsterling]

Welcome!  I'm glad you found this website.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this  :'(  Unfortunately, this is a common issue with pwBPD.  They will spend most of their time looking for problems in others rather than a problem in themselves.  A BPD diagnosis points to them as a source of their problems, and they don't want to hear that.  With PTSD, they can blame the past trauma as their source, and have an "excuse" lined up for acting the way they do. 

The result is they are convinced you are the problem and therefore try to convince others that you are the problem.  Sometimes other people buy it for awhile, but after time others usually start to see through their smoke screen.  My wife has tried to convince me and others that my ADHD is the big issue here, tried to accuse me of having Asperger's, codependency, or tried to throw other disorders or reasons at me in hopes they will stick.  And yet, my counselor and my psychiatrist both think I am a happy, well adjusted person with minor issues with ADHD.

And like your partner, my wife was also diagnosed BPD a long time ago, and subsequently diagnosed with PTSD.  The reality is she clearly meets criteria for both.  But her reality is that BPD is some kind of "made up" diagnosis, and instead uses her PTSD diagnosis as her excuse. 

My best suggestion is to do your best to take care of you, find validation outside your r/s, and do your best to not get caught up in your partner's reality.

[Infern0]

Yeah its common.

They project onto other people or something mine does is that when she proper loses it and does something stupid like starts cutting herself she will tell other people that  YOU were the one that went nuts.

Throw in all the gas lighting etc and it's a dangerous situation. Because you actually CAN become susceptible to doing some stupid things.

[newlifeBPDfree]

Just found your site. I'm in absolute turmoil with my partner of 3.5 years who was diagnosed with BPD 10-12 years ago when she had her children removed from her care... .It's a very long and horrific story. She basically believes the diagnosis was 'stitched up' by her ex and she tells me her doctor has diagnosed her instead with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In a nutshell she blames me for EVERYTHING and has diagnosed me herself with everything from NPD to needing a psychiatrist. I even had counselling and check up by my GP who confirmed that I'm 'normal' and don't need such a thing.

Question. Do high functioning BPD's convince others that they are 'normal' and blame their partner?

Going through the same exact thing. He even is trying to convince our daughter that I need to be hospitalized in a mental facility. He is making me question my sanity every single day.

[Maresme]

@Cat Familiar: Completely agree.

My boyfriend actually diagnosed himself accidentally because he was completely convinced that I was crazy and he'd prove it by finding my diagnosis, by God! Then he took a little Do you suffer from BPD? quiz, just for fun, and checked off every single item.

[tjay933]

YES they do-or at least they try to. mine had a doctor that diagnosed him with what he wanted to be labelled with-anyone who knows him knows its a wrong diagnosis, that the doctor is either a quack, misinformed by my BPD or lying to keep him from running to the next doctor with the same story. so people who he thinks believe him really just don't disagree so as to avoid an argument over nothing. that's his opinion.

You are not crazy! To my understanding PTSD is a diagnosis for the non-BPD not the BPD.

[waverider]

pwBPD have black and white thinking. You are to blame or she is to blame, no middle ground. If she is to blame for anything she is to be blamed for everything=she is a total failure.

that is a terrifying thought. The defensive reaction is to deny any blame and use PROJECTION to fend off blame.

It is at the core of the difficulties in treating BPD, it is very difficult to get the absolute truth of anything. You get embrolied in a blamefest

[Enoch]

This blame game is something we all share in common. My dBPDw has accused me (believes it whole heartedly) that I am narcissistic, an emotional and verbal abuser, a liar, cheater, and, oh yes... .a "Stupid Little Boy". The club we've joined comes at a very high price.

I have also been alienated from, even vilified in my home church. Oh yes, this makes for a nice atmosphere doesn't it?

OK... .I'm not feeling sorry for myself... .just stating that the blame game is common and we must find a way to detach from it and protect ourselves. Understanding why they do it is one thing. Being able to deflect the blame is another. Practice deflecting the blame and get ready to feel better... .that is, after you duck a few flying objects! 

[OffRoad]

My last major conversation with my uBPDh left him confused and wondering why we both had exactly the same complaints about each other. It was especially confusing for him when I could prove that one of his complaints about me could not have happened (I wasn't there). If it hadn't been so sad it would have been funny.

[JRT]

of many of the common pwBPD themes, the 'it's not me, its YOU who are the crazy one' seems to be one of the most common that I have seen here. Mine disappeared and we never argued so I might be an exception to the rule. But I DO know that he 18 year old son no is telling people that I am 'psycho'. Can I now join this club? 

[Hope0807]

Absolutely they do.  It's a hallmark of the disorder.  Terms like "gas lighting" and "projection" just to name a few will start to open your world and begin a journey like you never imagined.  Good luck and hang tough.

Just found your site. I'm in absolute turmoil with my partner of 3.5 years who was diagnosed with BPD 10-12 years ago when she had her children removed from her care... .It's a very long and horrific story. She basically believes the diagnosis was 'stitched up' by her ex and she tells me her doctor has diagnosed her instead with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In a nutshell she blames me for EVERYTHING and has diagnosed me herself with everything from NPD to needing a psychiatrist. I even had counselling and check up by my GP who confirmed that I'm 'normal' and don't need such a thing.

Question. Do high functioning BPD's convince others that they are 'normal' and blame their partner?

[N19queen]

I have noticed the 'black and white' thinking, I have put up with so much for years, now I'd rather just be frieds, I think, so I am trying to find the Undecided or Leaving boards.  Any pointers to help me find them would be welcome.   

[waverider]

I have noticed the 'black and white' thinking, I have put up with so much for years, now I'd rather just be frieds, I think, so I am trying to find the Undecided or Leaving boards.  Any pointers to help me find them would be welcome.   

Staying board is good for learning the tools to reduce drama whilst in the relationship, even if the long term goal may not be so committed

UNDECIDED

LEAVING

I think you may find just being friends may be an unattainable goal. As per balack and white thinking you are in or out.

[Riverrat]

Enoch,

Sign me up as well. You've said it word for word. As she says--how stupid can you be?

She is fine--I need the therapy, she claims... .

However I set a boundary from day one that we never say "it's over" or "I'm leaving" She stopped saying it, and I think it gives her a bit of security.