Do you still wish you could be there for them?

[Reecer1588]

I should hate my ex gf. I've posted tons of threads now on BPDf, I'm so thankful that I can just talk about how I feel on here. I really appreciate all the responses y'all give me.

I should hate her because she betrayed me, she systematically emotionally detached from me. I loved her, and she gradually and painfully made herself not love me. Now I just pity her. I pity her because she's even capable of doing the things she did/does. I have no idea what turmoil my 19y.o ex's emotions are in. Now I just feel sad for her. My anger is like, almost gone.

Yet I can't beat that friggin 'white knight' outta me.

What do I do?

[hope2727]

Yes. I find it crushing that he is still in pain. He claims to be happy. Said he was miserable before because of me. But in truth he is in pain and the suffering won't stop until he deals with his illness. I miss him every day. I am hurt and angry and shell shocked. But I still wish we could have walked this journey together.

[Reecer1588]

Yes. I find it crushing that he is still in pain. He claims to be happy. Said he was miserable before because of me. But in truth he is in pain and the suffering won't stop until he deals with his illness. I miss him every day. I am hurt and angry and shell shocked. But I still wish we could have walked this journey together.

Thank you for sharing. This site really is the only place where I can just open up my true feelings, which sometimes do change. If I told my parents, my friends, even my school counselor that part of me still wishes I could be there for her... .They would berate me.

[Reecer1588]

Yes. I find it crushing that he is still in pain. He claims to be happy. Said he was miserable before because of me. But in truth he is in pain and the suffering won't stop until he deals with his illness. I miss him every day. I am hurt and angry and shell shocked. But I still wish we could have walked this journey together.

I need to note that my uBPDexgf NEVER said to me "I'm hurting because of you"

quite the opposite "I'm so happy I eliminated you from my life"

I have no idea how she is in private, but whenever it came to her talking to me, or in public, she seems very glad she painted me black.

[Infern0]

You couldn't do anything if you were there

Everyone is responsible for themselves and nobody can  "make someone happy "

It's a flawed belief system and a symptom of codependency to belive that.

My advice to anyone who feels that way is to tackle their codependency issues.  That's the only way to heal from this.

[willtimeheal]

Yes. I find it crushing that he is still in pain. He claims to be happy. Said he was miserable before because of me. But in truth he is in pain and the suffering won't stop until he deals with his illness. I miss him every day. I am hurt and angry and shell shocked. But I still wish we could have walked this journey together.

Thank you for sharing. This site really is the only place where I can just open up my true feelings, which sometimes do change. If I told my parents, my friends, even my school counselor that part of me still wishes I could be there for her... .They would berate me.

I don't think it's unusual for you to wish to still be there for her. I am six months out and through all her lying, stealing, abuse, and cheating a part of me misses her... .the fantasy her. That is what I need to remember... .the part I miss was not real. It was an illusion she created to suck me in. Don't beat yourself up for having feelings for her and missing her... .I still love my exBPD very much.  I also released she is very toxic and dangerous for me.  An  the person who I love doesn't exist.

[jhkbuzz]

[quote author=willtimeheal link=topic=272602.msg12585370#msg12585370 date=1425517991

I don't think it's unusual for you to wish to still be there for her. I am six months out and through all her lying, stealing, abuse, and cheating a part of me misses her... .the fantasy her. That is what I need to remember... .the part I miss was not real. It was an illusion she created to suck me in. Don't beat yourself up for having feelings for her and missing her... .I still love my exBPD very much.  I also released she is very toxic and dangerous for me.  And the person who I love doesn't exist. [/quote]
^^^EXACTLY

[louisnorman]

I know exactly the way you feel, after all the lies and cheating I still find myself wanting to help. Friends screamed at me, telling me to stay away. I do not tell m family all she has done, the things they do know is enough for them to say run away from her. But I know I can not change her or help, she is a cancer to me destroying me from the inside out. I am now on my way to recovering from the roller-coaster ride. 

[rickdeckard]

No. One of my biggest regrets about how it all melted down was my going back on my promise to always be there for her. But that is really more about me, and violating (what I thought was) a core belief. Staying true to my word at all costs.

i was there as much as I could be. I tried to go beyond that and in the end it caused more damage to us both. I gave up myself and became something neither of us wanted.

It's one thing to be rejected by another person, very different to to look in the mirror and reject that person.

I wish I had been there for me.

(I am now  )

[downnout98]

Yes. I find it crushing that he is still in pain. He claims to be happy. Said he was miserable before because of me. But in truth he is in pain and the suffering won't stop until he deals with his illness. I miss him every day. I am hurt and angry and shell shocked. But I still wish we could have walked this journey together.

I too wish that I could have walked this journey of life with my exBPDgf. I tried everything possible to make it happen and I stood by her side through think and thin until I realized that this was tearing me apart and I was loosing myself. She was my best friend. I know she is not truly happy. She never was and I found out the hard way that I could not give it to her. It is not my responsibility and is impossible to do.

[Hope0807]

Transfer your "white knight" to volunteer work where someone will benefit and appreciate you wholeheartedly.

I should hate my ex gf. I've posted tons of threads now on BPDf, I'm so thankful that I can just talk about how I feel on here. I really appreciate all the responses y'all give me.

I should hate her because she betrayed me, she systematically emotionally detached from me. I loved her, and she gradually and painfully made herself not love me. Now I just pity her. I pity her because she's even capable of doing the things she did/does. I have no idea what turmoil my 19y.o ex's emotions are in. Now I just feel sad for her. My anger is like, almost gone.

Yet I can't beat that friggin 'white knight' outta me.

What do I do?

[misty_red]

Yes, I do. But I know I can't, at least right now and even if she reaches out some time again, it would be difficult. I don't have any hope anymore. I'm fine with how things are now. I still miss her, yes. But I take it as it is. I could never paint her black or wish her bad or anything like that - that's not who I am. There'll always be a soft spot for her but I also am conscious about how things would turn/end if we would meet up again. I still love her very much and care for her. But something's changed: I also love myself and care for myself now. I learned to respect myself and for now put myself first. That's a good thing. It's funny. They wanted us to love them unconditional like parents do and that's the reason I could never get back with her as a romantical partner. For me it would feel like being with a child. I'd be there for her as a friend but with enough distance and care for myself. But it would never happen anyway and that's fine as well.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Yes.

I miss her so much. We do have so much in common, she does not mirror like most BPDs seem to.

I do not regret my relationship.

I truly feel that my ex can express love, but can't accept or receive it.

It took me some time to see and understand.

In order to compensate, she copes in destructive ways, whether intentional or not.

I finally saw her at her worst the last time we were together, as friends reconnecting.  I'd heard stories from others, but she never acted so recklessly or impulsively with me (I did see small traces a few times later in the relationship). She didn't answer or respond to me afterward, and as a result I feel permanently painted black.  I'm sure any thought of me now triggers a reminder, and she likely blames me.

Despite feeling totally shattered and as if I never mattered at all to her,  I've stayed NC since she silenced me.

[GrowThroughIt]

Yes and no.

I wish I could help her, but ultimately it would be thrown back in my face, if not right away then later down the line. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it... .

Ultimately, I made the choice to go NC, and there are reasons for that. I just have to remind myself of them. It's easy to look past those reasons, because those reasons hurt us, because those reasons are the truth.

Something someone older and wiser told me, "The fact that the first words that come out of you when talking about being with her are 'I care about her' is not healthy. You shouldn't get into a relationship to fix someone. That is something that you both do for yourselves and then go onto having a healthy relationship with your partner."

It's hard. But soon (I hope) we will get past it and move on.

[going places]

I should hate my ex gf. I've posted tons of threads now on BPDf, I'm so thankful that I can just talk about how I feel on here. I really appreciate all the responses y'all give me.

Naw... .you shouldn't "hate" anyone.

That takes TOO much of your precious time and energy.

Focus on forgiving, and letting go... .

I should hate her because she betrayed me, she systematically emotionally detached from me. I loved her, and she gradually and painfully made herself not love me. Now I just pity her. I pity her because she's even capable of doing the things she did/does. I have no idea what turmoil my 19y.o ex's emotions are in. Now I just feel sad for her. My anger is like, almost gone.

Yet I can't beat that friggin 'white knight' outta me.

What do I do?

Every time a negative thought or a 'rescue' thought pops into your head, turn it around onto yourself.

Use all that energy to heal yourself.

[GrowThroughIt]

I should hate my ex gf. I've posted tons of threads now on BPDf, I'm so thankful that I can just talk about how I feel on here. I really appreciate all the responses y'all give me.

Naw... .you shouldn't "hate" anyone.

That takes TOO much of your precious time and energy.

Focus on forgiving, and letting go... .

I should hate her because she betrayed me, she systematically emotionally detached from me. I loved her, and she gradually and painfully made herself not love me. Now I just pity her. I pity her because she's even capable of doing the things she did/does. I have no idea what turmoil my 19y.o ex's emotions are in. Now I just feel sad for her. My anger is like, almost gone.

Yet I can't beat that friggin 'white knight' outta me.

What do I do?

Every time a negative thought or a 'rescue' thought pops into your head, turn it around onto yourself.

Use all that energy to heal yourself.

This!

[Invictus01]

Once I learned a whole lot about personality disorders, not any more. Insanity is doing same things over and over and expect the same result. Until she changes, you will have the same result. You can change yourself as much as you want, she will STILL emotionally torture you unless she changes. Once you realize and accept that... .why bother... .

What I do wanna do is send her mother to jail for child abuse. She ruined her smart good looking daughter. Torched the soul out of her at the age when kids can't even begin to defend themselves. That should be jail time worthy.

[Deeno02]

Oh I miss her and her kids. But I dont miss the constant BS. Ive washed my hands of the issue and dont care what happens in her life. Not my problem anymore. I have to redo and relearn how to take care of myself. I cant carry her burdens and chaos anymore. I wont either. Sorry to sound crass, but I didnt make this decision for her, she made it. She and the replacement have to live with it.

[nickoftime]

I have compassion for my ex and I know he's suffering from a mental illness and he is a product of his upbringing.  It is so sad the very thing they want they push away and destroy.

Even though his BPD is a mental illness I know he knows right from wrong.  I can't tell you the numerous times he described himself as evil while laughing and how he was intent to "destroy" somebody. So childish right?

Yes I do have compassion for him but I have no desire to help someone who is intentionally hurting me, who has dismissed me from his life as if I never existed and without even talking about it.  I'm not going to be a product of his disorder.

Invictus01 - I am so with you on how I blame my ex's parents.  My ex is so handsome and is so smart but has such a rotten dead soul inside.  They ruined him.  I suspect his sister may be BPD too.  

[Invictus01]

Invictus01 - I am so with you on how I blame my ex's parents.  My ex is so handsome and is so smart but has such a rotten dead soul inside.  They ruined him.  I suspect his sister may be BPD too.  

I got introduced to her mother. She is a narc and a half. During the 2.5 hour dinner, I couldn't get any emotions out of her. It was like talking to a zombie. No change in the pitch of her voice, no emotions, nothing. Creepy. The stories my ex told me about her were something else too. The hatred towards her mother runs so deep that she changed her last name a few years ago because she didn't want to be associated with her mother... .

My ex doesn't want to have kids. It pains me to say this... .but that's probably for the best. I don't see how PD parents can raise a normally functional child. It is just not fair to the child to put up with a parent like this.

[HappyNihilist]

I love my exBPDbf and I probably always will, in some way. I don't want him to suffer and be unhappy.

The truth is that we both suffer and are unhappy when we're together. I became a trigger for his deepest fears and core trauma. Would I love to be able to overcome that? Honestly, yes, with all my heart. But reality is what it is. And the reality is that, as we are now, I am not healthy for him, and he is certainly not healthy for me.

Like several of you have expressed, I feel a lot of sadness and anger at his upbringing. My ex had to live through things that no one - especially a poor, innocent child - should have to endure. I've spent many hours crying from the bottom of my soul about that poor child who was my ex.

When I began to heal was when I started spending more hours crying about my own sad child inside.

Even though his BPD is a mental illness I know he knows right from wrong.  I can't tell you the numerous times he described himself as evil while laughing and how he was intent to "destroy" somebody. So childish right?

My exBPDbf did the same, nickoftime.

Early on in the relationship he said he liked to break strong women. He made reference throughout the relationship about breaking me. When he left me, I told him he'd done it, he'd broken me. His response - "It's the hardest thing I've ever done." So poetically ambiguous and indulgently self-focused, no? Just lying and saying "I'm sorry" would have been nice, but noo.  

[FlSunshineGirl]

Ok, I'm still new so I don't know how to do the "quote" thingy from someone's post... .I will copy and paste:

"... .part of me misses her... .the fantasy her. That is what I need to remember... .the part I miss was not real. It was an illusion she created to suck me in. Don't beat yourself up for having feelings for her and missing her... .I still love my exBPD very much.  I also released she is very toxic and dangerous for me.  An  the person who I love doesn't exist."

When I get hung up about the relationship and miss him I have to remind myself of this same thing. He and I created and spent a lot of time discussing this life we wanted together. Total fantasy. The reality of what our relationship was and the fantasy of what he pretended to be and said he wanted were as different as night and day.

I think one of the hardest things about detaching from them is just realizing it was all mirroring and wearing masks and pretending to be what we wanted and copy who we were.

I remind myself often it wasn't real and he didn't really exist as who I thought he was. His whole personality and beliefs changed depending on who he was spending time with.

[clydegriffith]

To answer the subject question: Absolutley not. However, there was a point in time, even after breakup, where i would have said otherwise but soon came to the realization that she is the the kind of person that if you try to give her a hand she ends up wanting an arm. I've since then taken the position that she is a pathological liar, can't be trusted and any negative hunch i get about her is more likely true than not.

[Unducky]

I feel the same way, all the time.  But I've learned that by loving him and being there for him, I was just enabling him to be emotionally abusive and not deal with his issues to the extent that he needed to.  Although I don't really know what he's feeling or how he's dealing with things now, his friends have said that he's been getting much more extensive therapy than when we were together, stopped drinking, and doing okay.  Even though the nurturer in me still wants to help him, it helps me to know that leaving him was actually the more helpful thing.

[Infared]

I should hate my ex gf. I've posted tons of threads now on BPDf, I'm so thankful that I can just talk about how I feel on here. I really appreciate all the responses y'all give me.

I should hate her because she betrayed me, she systematically emotionally detached from me. I loved her, and she gradually and painfully made herself not love me. Now I just pity her. I pity her because she's even capable of doing the things she did/does. I have no idea what turmoil my 19y.o ex's emotions are in. Now I just feel sad for her. My anger is like, almost gone.

Yet I can't beat that friggin 'white knight' outta me.

What do I do?

Just give it time buddy. At least yours was 19yrs. Old acting like a 8-year old.  ... .mine is 45 years old, acting like an 8-year old.    I just plain do not like mine, but have a mix of empathy in there somewhere... .The self-centered childish behavior just never ends... .LOL!... .My experience tells me to just take care of me... .after repeated, repeated, repeated painful interactions... .pwBPD suck the whole world dry, complain that no one loves them and blame it on any and everyone... .They run thru the world like a self-centered black hole. If I had not lived it, I would not believe it. The massive pain I was in has ebbed away... .to a dull one.   Yours will just go away... .most likely, especially when you get to that place where you can meet a new, healthy person.  Just give it some time.  You are going great!  

The worst part about my feelings is that underneath all of what I just said... on some level I miss her... .but I will not ever entertain the idea of even talking to her.  Her repeatedly induced emotional pain to me was just too great.  It's so twisted.

[FlSunshineGirl]

No. One of my biggest regrets about how it all melted down was my going back on my promise to always be there for her. But that is really more about me, and violating (what I thought was) a core belief. Staying true to my word at all costs.

i was there as much as I could be. I tried to go beyond that and in the end it caused more damage to us both. I gave up myself and became something neither of us wanted.

It's one thing to be rejected by another person, very different to to look in the mirror and reject that person.

I wish I had been there for me.

(I am now  )

I struggled with the same thing. I promised him i would never leave him. Many times. But I sacrificed myself in doing that and was putting up with emotional manipulation from him to stick to my word. I was loyal and faithful to MY detriment!

If he had of made a true effort to get better i actually would have stuck around. I am a loyal person and keep friendships for decades. One of my best friends has been with me since 4th grade and the other since 6th!

I believe me wanting to be true to my promise kept me in this longer than I ever would.

One time I did try to set a boundary and tell him I will stay in his life as long as he treats me right. He had an episode and freaked me out (emotional manipulation) and got me to promise to stay no matter what. Ugh!

[Gonzalo]

I have no desire to be there for her any more - I tried that for a long time, and at the end even offered to stay if she would acknowledge her problems and get help, but she turned it down. She burned all of the possible bridges between us by the end of the relationship, and the only way I'd even consider getting back with her is if she spent some serious time in therapy, then a year or two living without showing uncontrolled symptoms.

On the other hand, I do still care about her, or at least the fun, silly, charming part of her that isn't dominated by her disease. I wish she would get help so that she could lead a functional life, but there's nothing I can do to make her see that she has a problem. She forgets or minimizes pretty much everything that happened between us to the point where she says she doesn't know why our relationship ended, even though she broke up with me. And she has herself surrounded by enablers, who can whip out pop-psych to make her feel better and who are willing to tell her what a bad person I am, even though none of them talk to me.

[FlSunshineGirl]

"pwBPD suck the whole world dry, complain that no one loves them and blame it on any and everyone... .They run thru the world like a self-centered black hole."

So true!

[AwakenedOne]

Even though his BPD is a mental illness I know he knows right from wrong.  I can't tell you the numerous times he described himself as evil while laughing and how he was intent to "destroy" somebody. So childish right?

This describes a sick &/or evil person more accurately than a child.

[Mutt]

I love my exBPDbf and I probably always will, in some way. I don't want him to suffer and be unhappy.

I feel the same. She was abandoned by her mother shortly after birth; watched by hyper critical guardian in early development and sexual abuse. There may of been genetic abnormalities; there are signs of mental illness traits in her family or it may of been a combination of both it's speculation.

My ex partner taught me the most valuable life lessons. I had periods of anxiety, depression unhappiness from adolescence until our relationship ended. I couldn't put my finger on it. Thanks to her I was able to find out why and not later in life.  Her mental illness was caused by circumstances not in her control. I don't want either to suffer, I can have compassion with boundaries.

“And it's hard to hate someone once you understand them.” ― Lucy Christopher,