Finding it hard to let go

[dobie]

Its been six months since I was devalued and discarded ... .I've been seeing a T , been connecting with old friends and new , dating (lightly) and a few times even made a total ass of myself by texting my x - fiance stupid or angry or even loving messages ... .I've gone NC on all social media ... Read a hundred books , laughed , got new tattoos even got a wardrobe full of new clothes and a hair "transplant" ... .

Put on a brave face at work , tried not to drink unless its a social situation ... .

Yet I still ache for the witch ... .I sometimes wonder if I will ever be as happy again as I was when I was with her ? I'd take even her friendship over her anger , contempt , indifference and silence ? I've blown my bridges with the drunk texts now as she has blocked me on phone & wassapp ... .

I'm forced to move on but I'm still attached to this woman I can't seem to be happy without her (pathetic)

[Infared]

Please try to be easy on yourself. I have the same feelings even after the hell I have been thru. I just do not act on them. Ever. She even tries to walk up to me now, on occasion (go figure?)... I move away from her. always. I do not interact. (She is living with my replacement). I miss her terribly sometimes, but something deep inside me, like an animal survival instinct has finally kicked in.

I also, joined AA as I had issues with alcohol and substance abuse. Funny, when I completely removed that from my life, "my" emotional rollercoaster ride became a lasagna ripple... .very few dramatic highs and lows.  Things have evened out for me and are more peaceful. I also started making much better decisions regarding my ex.

My life is not perfect and I still feel traumatized by what I had to endure... .but it is better than a life where I have any interaction with my expwBPD.

I really understand your feelings... .you are not alone in where these relationships bring us.

[dobie]

Please try to be easy on yourself. I have the same feelings even after the hell I have been thru. I just do not act on them. Ever. She even tries to walk up to me now, on occasion (go figure?)... I move away from her. always. I do not interact. (She is living with my replacement). I miss her terribly sometimes, but something deep inside me, like an animal survival instinct has finally kicked in.

I also, joined AA as I had issues with alcohol and substance abuse. Funny, when I completely removed that from my life, "my" emotional rollercoaster ride became a lasagna ripple... .very few dramatic highs and lows.  Things have evened out for me and are more peaceful. I also started making much better decisions regarding my ex.

My life is not perfect and I still feel traumatized by what I had to endure... .but it is better than a life where I have any interaction with my expwBPD.

I really understand your feelings... .you are not alone in where these relationships bring us.

Infrared I'm pleased for you that your getting the help via AA takes courage to face down demons esp after what guys like us have been threw . it took me a lot of willpower not to just get trashed every single night since the BU and I don't have a problem with alcohol .

The worst part for me is the total loss the total feeling of being extinguished by her ffs I'm a human being who loved her .

[Infared]

Please try to be easy on yourself. I have the same feelings even after the hell I have been thru. I just do not act on them. Ever. She even tries to walk up to me now, on occasion (go figure?)... I move away from her. always. I do not interact. (She is living with my replacement). I miss her terribly sometimes, but something deep inside me, like an animal survival instinct has finally kicked in.

I also, joined AA as I had issues with alcohol and substance abuse. Funny, when I completely removed that from my life, "my" emotional rollercoaster ride became a lasagna ripple... .very few dramatic highs and lows.  Things have evened out for me and are more peaceful. I also started making much better decisions regarding my ex.

My life is not perfect and I still feel traumatized by what I had to endure... .but it is better than a life where I have any interaction with my expwBPD.

I really understand your feelings... .you are not alone in where these relationships bring us.

Infrared I'm pleased for you that your getting the help via AA takes courage to face down demons esp after what guys like us have been threw . it took me a lot of willpower not to just get trashed every single night since the BU and I don't have a problem with alcohol .

The worst part for me is the total loss the total feeling of being extinguished by her ffs I'm a human being who loved her .

I identify. There is just no explaining the abrupt "dismissal". The painting black. (And now for me, the flip... .like ... oh forget all that let's talk... .look on her face?) ... .I just understand your frustration and bewilderment. There is no explaining any of it in my rational mind and that is what makes it so untenable mentally for me, but it does get better if I work on me and maintain NC.  Interacting with the poison fruit is always bad for me.

[dobie]

Did yours suddenly devalue and paint black ? Mine was doing it stealthily for 12-18 months

[Infared]

Did yours suddenly devalue and paint black ? Mine was doing it stealthily for 12-18 months

YES! I was blamed for EVERYTHING (WAIT ... .things weren't that bad?), of course this was AFTER she hooked up with new supply. She said some VERY hurtful things... .and called me "insane"... .and she was the one that was lying and cheating and doing all this wacky, cruel vindictive stuff?

They are a walking contradictions.

[dobie]

Did yours suddenly devalue and paint black ? Mine was doing it stealthily for 12-18 months

YES! I was blamed for EVERYTHING (WAIT ... .things weren't that bad?), of course this was AFTER she hooked up with new supply. She said some VERY hurtful things... .and called me "insane"... .and she was the one that was lying and cheating and doing all this wacky, cruel vindictive stuff?

They are a walking contradictions.

Sounds like mine , its all projection bro ... And guilt due to the inherent selfishness of their actions .

Mine got a supply in the way of a GF i suspect there could be a man \men in the picture as well ... .

She has a fear of being alone so needs people to fill the space .  mine had hardly any friends so as soon as she got some as she said " i don't need you as a friend now "

Cold , cold , cold almost sociopathic and inhuman in how she can use and discard like that  totaltly  oblivious to the pain she caused "I'm a good person " "how else could I have left you" "your no saint I've done nothing wrong "

Jesus sometimes I think I  was in love with the devil

[jhkbuzz]

Did yours suddenly devalue and paint black ? Mine was doing it stealthily for 12-18 months

YES! I was blamed for EVERYTHING (WAIT ... .things weren't that bad?), of course this was AFTER she hooked up with new supply. She said some VERY hurtful things... .and called me "insane"... .and she was the one that was lying and cheating and doing all this wacky, cruel vindictive stuff?

They are a walking contradictions.

I once told my ex that I thought she "amplified to justify" - amplified my faults to justify her behavior. I thought her head was going to pop off... .I know that one got discussed with her T.

She never treated me so poorly in our day-to-day life as when she was in the middle of cheating on me.  I really do think it's a form of justification. Of course it was okay for her to cheat since I was such a horrible person... .who wouldn't?

[dobie]

Did yours suddenly devalue and paint black ? Mine was doing it stealthily for 12-18 months

YES! I was blamed for EVERYTHING (WAIT ... .things weren't that bad?), of course this was AFTER she hooked up with new supply. She said some VERY hurtful things... .and called me "insane"... .and she was the one that was lying and cheating and doing all this wacky, cruel vindictive stuff?

They are a walking contradictions.

I once told my ex that I thought she "amplified to justify" - amplified my faults to justify her behavior. I thought her head was going to pop off... .I know that one got discussed with her T.

She never treated me so poorly in our day-to-day life as when she was in the middle of cheating on me.  I really do think it's a form of justification. Of course it was okay for her to cheat since I was such a horrible person... .who wouldn't?

Man it just makes me want to   I stayed loyal for 6 years despite the lack of sex

[JohnLove]

She never treated me so poorly in our day-to-day life as when she was in the middle of cheating on me.  I really do think it's a form of justification. Of course it was okay for her to cheat since I was such a horrible person... .who wouldn't?

Even in the non "world" (for want of a better term) cheating is never justified. It is a betrayal on a very deep level. You are completely entitled to feel traumatised even if the relationship was in pretty ordinary shape.

This "justification" insofar as their belief system to do exactly as they bloody well please to whoever they like is very very disordered.

[JohnLove]

Man it just makes me want to   I stayed loyal for 6 years despite the lack of sex

Don't feel so bad dobie. I stayed loyal (despite the lack of sex) for 20 years. 

But I digress... .there were children involved half way through.

[Infared]

"Cold , cold , cold almost sociopathic and inhuman in how she can use and discard like that  totaltly  oblivious to the pain she caused."

Yes... .in my case the discarding appeared to be abrupt and effortless, with no remorse or guilt. The behavior damaged my soul. After what "I" had been sharing from my heart the behavior that she laid on me was sociopathic in my world. Cold as a glacier. My head still spins when I think of some of the instance. The clear joy she was getting, knowing that her words and actions were deeply hurting me emotionally. It was some real sick stuff.

[going places]

Its been six months since I was devalued and discarded ... .I've been seeing a T , been connecting with old friends and new , dating (lightly) and a few times even made a total ass of myself by texting my x - fiance stupid or angry or even loving messages ... .I've gone NC on all social media ... Read a hundred books , laughed , got new tattoos even got a wardrobe full of new clothes and a hair "transplant" ... .

Put on a brave face at work , tried not to drink unless its a social situation ... .

Yet I still ache for the witch ... .I sometimes wonder if I will ever be as happy again as I was when I was with her ? I'd take even her friendship over her anger , contempt , indifference and silence ? I've blown my bridges with the drunk texts now as she has blocked me on phone & wassapp ... .

I'm forced to move on but I'm still attached to this woman I can't seem to be happy without her (pathetic)

6 months is not a lot of time.

I am 8 months out, with no T, and I never 'long for him / miss him' but I do get angry that he deceived me and played me like a fiddle.

When he emails me, it's because he needs information out of me, and nothing else. It makes my skin crawl, and sets me on the edge of a panic/anxiety attack. I hate communicating with him.

I have been where you are... .and I kept reminding myself that I NEVER meant anything to him, and I NEVER will... .and how much to I value ME, to 'give myself away' to someone who could care less if I lived or died?

I reminded myself all the time that I am WORTH too much to be used and discarded like toilet paper.

My struggle is getting it all behind me.

To where I can have a thought pass thru my head, and it not wreck me for the rest of the day or worse!

Man it just makes me want to  barfy I stayed loyal for 6 years despite the lack of sex

I have a serious question.If it falls under the "none of your business" let me know.

During that 6 years of abstinence, did you ever sit down with her to try and get to the root of the problem?

Why there was no intimacy? Why there was no sex?

Witholding sex can be a symptom of a deeper issue that is not related to the reproductive system.

I am very very curious what you did for those 6 years to try to get to the root of the issue.

[dobie]

The worst part guys is i miss her like crazy

i'd die to spend an hour in her company to have her want me even as a friend but i blew that up with my texts telling her i wanted to forget her and I've met other nicer women (i have but it all fizzled out)

i have to go 180 and i don't want to , i miss her terrible its been six months and im still in love with her .

[Sunfl0wer]

I once told my ex that I thought she "amplified to justify" - amplified my faults to justify her behavior. I thought her head was going to pop off... .I know that one got discussed with her T.

Yup, I like that phrase.  Rings so true!

[Infared]

The worst part guys is i miss her like crazy

i'd die to spend an hour in her company to have her want me even as a friend but i blew that up with my texts telling her i wanted to forget her and I've met other nicer women (i have but it all fizzled out)

i have to go 180 and i don't want to , i miss her terrible its been six months and im still in love with her .

I get it. I did not sleep for two months.  (If I hadn't lived that comment I would not believe it if someone said that to me).

I got a T. Got into a group T sessions and found a self help group... .I am not saying that any of that is going to ease your pain immediately, but at least when I was doing those things I knew that I was being proactive in addressing my pain... .and also looking for my part in everything.  Contacting my ex or even looking at her when she drove by waving or scowling (whatever fit her fancy of the moment) caused me excruciating pain.  There was nothing there for me... .no matter how I sliced it.  Hard for me to comprehend... .but the truth just the same. It was out of my power to change that.   Dobie... .just take whatever steps you can to take care of you. You. She does not or is incapable of being there.  Try to move toward the light and away from the darkness.  Coming here is a great step!

[Infared]

I once told my ex that I thought she "amplified to justify" - amplified my faults to justify her behavior. I thought her head was going to pop off... .I know that one got discussed with her T.

Yup, I like that phrase.  Rings so true!

YES!  Just one of their many techniques.  It's a game for them.  There is no depth.

[Thechairman]

Thank you to Infared and Going Places,

I am finding hard to let go – but not in the sense of I want her back – NO WAY!

My struggle is getting it behind me, too.

I was in a 9 year r/s – we never got married because I asked her to do something about her anger – I was willing to go to counseling too, but she would have none of that. 

She just started a job at a small lawyer’s office – hardly enough money to pay for her cigarettes and bar bill.  4 months later, an old acquaintance came in for a divorce, and she moved in with him in just two weeks.  She just ran away, leaving her 17 year old, about to graduate, daughter with me (I am not the father).  She hasn’t seen her for 5 months. 

I have received a text or two – hope you are well, I need some money – and I just delete them.  I fully believe in NC – there is no other way to heal.  I want her out of my life, which she is, but I want her out of my head.  I think that will come with time, as I work on myself. 

I cringe when we pass on the road – I have to look away.  I can’t stand when I see one of her close girlfriends – I know the narrative they have been told is all lies. I am far from being evil!  I do think about her and the new guy – I want their honeymoon phase to be over and let the craziness begin over there – I need to work on that.  I am strong enough to know that he can have her, my life is better without her, I got the better end of the deal. 

To dobie, which would you rather have, chaos and drama, or peace and calmness, in a

relationship.  It is very difficult – that’s why we are all on the board.  You will heal, they will not. 

As a side note, concerning the sex question.  I had gone a year without having sex.  She would say to me that I always had to make the first move.  As she would glare across the room from me, I would ask her to at least give me some kind of indication that she even liked me.  Would the sex made a difference?  I doubt it.  The relationship never had a chance. 

[jhkbuzz]

Did yours suddenly devalue and paint black ? Mine was doing it stealthily for 12-18 months

YES! I was blamed for EVERYTHING (WAIT ... .things weren't that bad?), of course this was AFTER she hooked up with new supply. She said some VERY hurtful things... .and called me "insane"... .and she was the one that was lying and cheating and doing all this wacky, cruel vindictive stuff?

They are a walking contradictions.

I once told my ex that I thought she "amplified to justify" - amplified my faults to justify her behavior. I thought her head was going to pop off... .I know that one got discussed with her T.

She never treated me so poorly in our day-to-day life as when she was in the middle of cheating on me.  I really do think it's a form of justification. Of course it was okay for her to cheat since I was such a horrible person... .who wouldn't?

Man it just makes me want to   I stayed loyal for 6 years despite the lack of sex

I feel your pain - four years for me

[jhkbuzz]

I once told my ex that I thought she "amplified to justify" - amplified my faults to justify her behavior. I thought her head was going to pop off... .I know that one got discussed with her T.

Yup, I like that phrase.  Rings so true!

YES!  Just one of their many techniques.  It's a game for them.  There is no depth.

For my ex it wasn't a "game" or premeditated, although I know it's the case for you.  It was just some SERIOUSLY disordered thinking... .but that's the nature of the BPD beast, right?

[Sunfl0wer]

For my ex it wasn't a "game" or premeditated, although I know it's the case for you.  It was just some SERIOUSLY disordered thinking... .but that's the nature of the BPD beast, right?

I have to say, it was this way for me too.  He is not consciously aware enough to actively play any game.  The "game" is happening on a subconscious level for my ex.  His subconscious was, in a way, playing a game.  It gets kinda blurry, but I think the difference is that he was not actually making conscious choices, rather behaving and doing what felt right for him.

Now HIS exuBPDw, actually WAS making conscious choices.  She read and was well versed in, "The Art of War." I know this because she accidentally sent us an email intended for her uNPDh.  It proved a very sadistic, intentional level of trying to harm us all.

I guess there are shades of participation in awareness of "the game." 

I believe though, it is safe to say, that for all, it is just a way of coping that they do whether aware or not aware.

[jhkbuzz]

For my ex it wasn't a "game" or premeditated, although I know it's the case for you.  It was just some SERIOUSLY disordered thinking... .but that's the nature of the BPD beast, right?

I have to say, it was this way for me too.  He is not consciously aware enough to actively play any game.  The "game" is happening on a subconscious level for my ex.  His subconscious was, in a way, playing a game.  It gets kinda blurry, but I think the difference is that he was not actually making conscious choices, rather behaving and doing what felt right for him.

Now HIS exuBPDw, actually WAS making conscious choices.  She read and was well versed in, "The Art of War." I know this because she accidentally sent us an email intended for her uNPDh.  It proved a very sadistic, intentional level of trying to harm us all.

I guess there are shades of participation in awareness of "the game." 

I believe though, it is safe to say, that for all, it is just a way of coping that they do whether aware or not aware.

depends on the level of comorbidity, i think... .

[Sunfl0wer]

Can you explain jhkbuzz?

[dobie]

We went from sex every day and as much as possible to six months in a few times a week. To a few times every few weeks, to a once  a week, to once every few weeks to once every three weeks ... .she just said she lost her sex drive she was ALWAYS I'll or tired (she even tried coming off the pill)

After we broke up she said I deserved a sex life but as she was not happy she was not horny !

Me : you've never been happy since I've known you

Her : That's the point that's why I'm breaking up

Now I know its a form of manipulation devaluing and control .

Six years in "wow I have never still fancied my bfs as much as you and for this long "


Bull___

[Infared]

We went from sex every day and as much as possible to six months in a few times a week. To a few times every few weeks, to a once  a week, to once every few weeks to once every three weeks ... .she just said she lost her sex drive she was ALWAYS I'll or tired (she even tried coming off the pill)

After we broke up she said I deserved a sex life but as she was not happy she was not horny !

Me : you've never been happy since I've known you

Her : That's the point that's why I'm breaking up

Now I know its a form of manipulation devaluing and control .

Six years in "wow I have never still fancied my bfs as much as you and for this long "


Bull___

Yes... .somehow her not being happy is "your" fault.  That's BS.  She sounds like a real joy to be around!

[jhkbuzz]

Can you explain jhkbuzz?

BPD can be comorbid with other disorders... .for example, I think my ex might have exhibited signs of Dependent Personality Disorder.  But I read other accounts on these boards and I can see flavors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder mixed in.  Sometimes when I read accounts from partners who believe there was a level of premeditation in their ex's behaviors I think that might be what's going on.

[dobie]

We went from sex every day and as much as possible to six months in a few times a week. To a few times every few weeks, to a once  a week, to once every few weeks to once every three weeks ... .she just said she lost her sex drive she was ALWAYS I'll or tired (she even tried coming off the pill)

After we broke up she said I deserved a sex life but as she was not happy she was not horny !

Me : you've never been happy since I've known you

Her : That's the point that's why I'm breaking up

Now I know its a form of manipulation devaluing and control .

Six years in "wow I have never still fancied my bfs as much as you and for this long "


Bull___

Yes... .somehow her not being happy is "your" fault.  That's BS.  She sounds like a real joy to be around!

I'm 37 so have had a fair few r/s and gfs and can say she never made me laugh once in six years , smile yep but crack me up NEVER .

[jhkbuzz]

For my ex it wasn't a "game" or premeditated, although I know it's the case for you.  It was just some SERIOUSLY disordered thinking... .but that's the nature of the BPD beast, right?

I have to say, it was this way for me too.  He is not consciously aware enough to actively play any game.  The "game" is happening on a subconscious level for my ex.  His subconscious was, in a way, playing a game.  It gets kinda blurry, but I think the difference is that he was not actually making conscious choices, rather behaving and doing what felt right for him.

Yes, this too... .one of the things I realized about my ex was that, in the moment, she believed what she was doing made perfect sense to meet her needs and bring her pain relief.  Fast forward into all the chaos and pain her behavior caused, and THEN it began to dawn on her that her behavior was self destructive.  But when she was in the middle of it there was no reasoning with her.