Been gone for awhile, just heard from the ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I have been gone for a bit.  Still stalking the boards every now and then, but have refrained from posting.  Things have been going well, great in fact.  Lots of work professionally, lots of work on myself. 

In my last post on here I detailed how my dexBPDgf had gotten her company to work with a company I contract with and have herself be the go-between.  As I predicted, she used it as chance to contact me.  Shortly after my birthday she emailed me.

The email was one of those emails I think most of us has gotten.  An extension of "friendship" laced with subtle attacks, blame, and a distinct lack of any kind of apology.  It also contained one sentence pertaining to the actual work.  I responded to only the matter of business, treating her as any client and told her she needed to direct any further inquires through the project manager.  I then gave the project manager some broad strokes of my ex and I's past, asking that I not be contacted by my ex.  The PM did a great job in handling things and the project finished at the beginning of February.

Things were quiet on the exBPDgf front and I thought (prayed) it was all over.  All of her email address I knew were blocked, as is the phone number I have for her, social media blackout.  Today I got an email from an address that I didn't know.  It came to my business email address, so I checked it.  It was from her... .

2010 is when this thread started. (I searched our messages here and in e-mail to delete them all - just for proper disconnection and continued positive, peaceful ju-ju.) Holy s**t, you were in my life a long time... .especially considering I generally only keep people around a year or two.

I was just formally diagnosed with autism. The irony is I always thought you were kind of, sort of, definitely, obviously a person with Asperger's. I'm going to credit my own weirdly wired brain for how I can compartmentalize everything in the past as nothing at all personal, be grateful for the swell times and the lessons, and genuinely wish you very well.

Just wanted to add one final footnote to our long association before deleting evidence!

P.S. Did you become a realtor? Your facebook profile picture there is meant to be ironic, right? *wink*

On reading it, I realized today was the anniversary of the first night we slept together, and the day we celebrated our anniversary.  Actually pretty excited that I had totally forgotten that until she emailed.  Would have been three years today had she, you know, not been crazy.

Once again, no apology for anything. Again, an attack on me (I think with all the therapy I have invested in, I would have been diagnosed by now).  Another excuse for her behavior (as far as I know, autism is pretty rare in women), and of course, telling me she is deleting me from her life and disconnecting.  Hell, she deleted me a year and a half ago!

I particularly liked the last part.  She is referencing a photo I recently posted on FB, which means she has a profile that I am unaware of and can see my profile picture, as her actual FB profile is blocked.  It is a picture of me at a wedding I recently attended.  I am looking pretty dapper in a black suit.  I got a lot of attention from the ladies that night and a damn good response on FB.  Yet, she needs to try and drag me down.

I have no intention of responding.  I have blocked the email address it came from.  Just another attempt by a sick person to drag me back into her quagmire of crap.  Just needed to vent and get some support.

[MrFox]

So I have been gone for a bit.  Still stalking the boards every now and then, but have refrained from posting.  Things have been going well, great in fact.  Lots of work professionally, lots of work on myself. 

In my last post on here I detailed how my dexBPDgf had gotten her company to work with a company I contract with and have herself be the go-between.  As I predicted, she used it as chance to contact me.  Shortly after my birthday she emailed me.

The email was one of those emails I think most of us has gotten.  An extension of "friendship" laced with subtle attacks, blame, and a distinct lack of any kind of apology.  It also contained one sentence pertaining to the actual work.  I responded to only the matter of business, treating her as any client and told her she needed to direct any further inquires through the project manager.  I then gave the project manager some broad strokes of my ex and I's past, asking that I not be contacted by my ex.  The PM did a great job in handling things and the project finished at the beginning of February.

Things were quiet on the exBPDgf front and I thought (prayed) it was all over.  All of her email address I knew were blocked, as is the phone number I have for her, social media blackout.  Today I got an email from an address that I didn't know.  It came to my business email address, so I checked it.  It was from her... .

2010 is when this thread started. (I searched our messages here and in e-mail to delete them all - just for proper disconnection and continued positive, peaceful ju-ju.) Holy s**t, you were in my life a long time... .especially considering I generally only keep people around a year or two.

I was just formally diagnosed with autism. The irony is I always thought you were kind of, sort of, definitely, obviously a person with Asperger's. I'm going to credit my own weirdly wired brain for how I can compartmentalize everything in the past as nothing at all personal, be grateful for the swell times and the lessons, and genuinely wish you very well.

Just wanted to add one final footnote to our long association before deleting evidence!

P.S. Did you become a realtor? Your facebook profile picture there is meant to be ironic, right? *wink*

On reading it, I realized today was the anniversary of the first night we slept together, and the day we celebrated our anniversary.  Actually pretty excited that I had totally forgotten that until she emailed.  Would have been three years today had she, you know, not been crazy.

Once again, no apology for anything. Again, an attack on me (I think with all the therapy I have invested in, I would have been diagnosed by now).  Another excuse for her behavior (as far as I know, autism is pretty rare in women), and of course, telling me she is deleting me from her life and disconnecting.  Hell, she deleted me a year and a half ago!

I particularly liked the last part.  She is referencing a photo I recently posted on FB, which means she has a profile that I am unaware of and can see my profile picture, as her actual FB profile is blocked.  It is a picture of me at a wedding I recently attended.  I am looking pretty dapper in a black suit.  I got a lot of attention from the ladies that night and a damn good response on FB.  Yet, she needs to try and drag me down.

I have no intention of responding.  I have blocked the email address it came from.  Just another attempt by a sick person to drag me back into her quagmire of crap.  Just needed to vent and get some support.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Well if all of that means something to you. What on earth is an ironic photo? I cant even begin to imagine what that means. And you're right, what benefit does it serve her (or anyone else of us here) to kick you in the teeth again after everything they've put us through. So you're the second poster here today who's ex from some time back has indeed been keeping tabs on you. Seems to give credence to everyone saying they will show back up at some point.

Funny how my uBPDexgf said she compartaminalized everything too. She kept her work separate from her home, and from her family, which served us well until she decided to let all of them tell her how she needed to be living her life.  Then not so much.

[MrFox]

Well if all of that means something to you. What on earth is an ironic photo? I cant even begin to imagine what that means.

Funny how my uBPDexgf said she compartaminalized everything. She kept her work separate from her home, and from her family, which served us well until she decided to let all of them tell her how she needed to be living her life.  Then not so much.

I am surprisingly not effected by this message.  I was pretty much operating under the impression that she had deleted or thrown away anything and everything having to do with me.  Kind of hard to be be effected by something you have gotten over a long time ago.

I have no clue what an ironic picture is... .I don't think she does either.

I think they very much compartmentalize a lot of things.  Makes it easier to lie, triangulate, cheat, manipulate, etc.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Well if all of that means something to you. What on earth is an ironic photo? I cant even begin to imagine what that means.

Funny how my uBPDexgf said she compartaminalized everything. She kept her work separate from her home, and from her family, which served us well until she decided to let all of them tell her how she needed to be living her life.  Then not so much.

I am surprisingly not effected by this message.  I was pretty much operating under the impression that she had deleted or thrown away anything and everything having to do with me.  Kind of hard to be be effected by something you have gotten over a long time ago.

I have no clue what an ironic picture is... .I don't think she does either.

I think they very much compartmentalize a lot of things.  Makes it easier to lie, triangulate, cheat, manipulate, etc.

I think you're right about all of the things you said. I also went back and modified that original comment.

Your post and lipstick's have got me to thinking my ex could possible try for a reach out one of these days. She always seemed to be triggered by something in the Spring which made her push/pull dynamic act up. Maybe this year will be different and it won't since I am not the one in the picture as I had been the past 10 years. Still if she does I'm not sure that she wouldn't have unleashed the fury known as a pissed off me! I have to admit that I am still affected and hurt by her actions.

[MrFox]

I think you're right about all of the things you said. I also went back and modified that original comment.

Your post and lipstick's have got me to thinking my ex could possible try for a reach out one of these days. She always seemed to be triggered by something in the Spring which made her push/pull dynamic act up. Maybe this year will be different and it won't since I am not the one in the picture as I had been the past 10 years. Still if she does I'm not sure that she wouldn't have unleashed the fury known as a pissed off me! I have to admit that I am still affected and hurt by her actions.

I know she wants a reaction for me.  This is hands down the "nicest" message she has sent.  She is thinking about me today and wants me to think about her, think about our past, etc.  She wants validation and she wants to show me there is a link between us.  We both have "weird" thinking.  In the November message she diagnosed both as INTJ (Jungian stuff) and told me only she could truly understand me.

She also has to be kind of a b**ch so that my ego hurts and then she can build me back up.  Or get a jab in should I not respond in a positive manner or at all.  I honestly think this is how she works. 

I won't lie and say I am not effected.  There is a part of me that misses the person I thought she was.  I also do get a little angry how she tries to psycho-analyze me to shove everything on to me.  But, I can't control her.  I can only control my response.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I think you're right about all of the things you said. I also went back and modified that original comment.

Your post and lipstick's have got me to thinking my ex could possible try for a reach out one of these days. She always seemed to be triggered by something in the Spring which made her push/pull dynamic act up. Maybe this year will be different and it won't since I am not the one in the picture as I had been the past 10 years. Still if she does I'm not sure that she wouldn't have unleashed the fury known as a pissed off me! I have to admit that I am still affected and hurt by her actions.

I know she wants a reaction for me.  This is hands down the "nicest" message she has sent.  She is thinking about me today and wants me to think about her, think about our past, etc.  She wants validation and she wants to show me there is a link between us.  We both have "weird" thinking.  In the November message she diagnosed both as INTJ (Jungian stuff) and told me only she could truly understand me.

She also has to be kind of a b**ch so that my ego hurts and then she can build me back up.  Or get a jab in should I not respond in a positive manner or at all.  I honestly think this is how she works. 

I won't lie and say I am not effected.  There is a part of me that misses the person I thought she was.  I also do get a little angry how she tries to psycho-analyze me to shove everything on to me.  But, I can't control her.  I can only control my response.

How effing weird. My ex is a LPC (therapist) and she wanted me to do the Myers-Brigg thing after 9 years together. I finally did it, but I actually forgot to tell her the results. I was either an INFJ or an INTJ, I don't recall!

Still when things like this happens it's a bit like Superman getting hit by a small piece of kryptonite. He can keep going, just in a weakened state. I suspect that is how you may feel.

I have to confess if my ex contacted me, I would carefully consider (since I am INF or TJ) and then probably respond back. Someplace in their hollow souls they used to be human.

[hurting300]

How long were you guys no contact until got the mail?

[MrFox]

How effing weird. My ex is a LPC (therapist) and she wanted me to do the Myers-Brigg thing after 9 years together. I finally did it, but I actually forgot to tell her the results. I was either an INFJ or an INTJ, I don't recall!

Still when things like this happens it's a bit like Superman getting hit by a small piece of kryptonite. He can keep going, just in a weakened state. I suspect that is how you may feel.

I have to confess if my ex contacted me, I would carefully consider (since I am INF or TJ) and then probably respond back. Someplace in their hollow souls they used to be human.

I think introverts are probably pretty ripe for pwBPD picking.  The way they love bomb us and put us on pedestals feels so amazing after a lifetime of kind of being in the background.  Plus, with my ex, she initially respected my need for space and alone time. Emphasis on initially.

It does feel a bit like a blow, but as the day goes on I am feeling better.  I will admit when I first read it, my heart was racing a bit.

There is a big part of me that wants to respond.  If she was an average ex, I would respond, but doing so with her only opens up either an attempted recycle or just more pain.  NC all the way.  She didn't just burn her bridge with me, she nuked it.  Then she peed on the ashes.  I am worth more than that, I finally realize that.

[MrFox]

How long were you guys no contact until got the mail?

Split 1.5 years now.  In that time I emailed her once, shortly after the breakup and a roller coaster of message from her that swung between hate filled messages and recycle attempts to wish her well and let her know I didn't want her in my life.  This was prior to knowing she had BPD or what BPD was.  Since then she has made overt or covert attempts at contact every three to fourth months.  Possibly more but the email address I knew of are blocked as is her phone number.

The message prior to this one was sent in November, so roughly 4 months.  Right on schedule.

[apollotech]

"... .I generally only keep people around a year or two."

Wow, enough said! I was not aware that relationships came with expiration dates affixed.

[MrFox]

"... .I generally only keep people around a year or two."

Wow, enough said! I was not aware that relationships came with expiration dates affixed.

I was pretty amazed that she said that as well.  Wish she would have mentioned that the first time I met her.  I could have avoided the whole falling in love with her thing.  Sadly this expiration date extended to her daughter as well.  Although, I know her daughter is better off not having her as a mother.

Also, I really wish whatever magical quality that I posses that has brought us into year 5 would cease to exist!  

[ShadowIntheNight]

How effing weird. My ex is a LPC (therapist) and she wanted me to do the Myers-Brigg thing after 9 years together. I finally did it, but I actually forgot to tell her the results. I was either an INFJ or an INTJ, I don't recall!

Still when things like this happens it's a bit like Superman getting hit by a small piece of kryptonite. He can keep going, just in a weakened state. I suspect that is how you may feel.

I have to confess if my ex contacted me, I would carefully consider (since I am INF or TJ) and then probably respond back. Someplace in their hollow souls they used to be human.

I think introverts are probably pretty ripe for pwBPD picking.  The way they love bomb us and put us on pedestals feels so amazing after a lifetime of kind of being in the background.  Plus, with my ex, she initially respected my need for space and alone time. Emphasis on initially.

It does feel a bit like a blow, but as the day goes on I am feeling better.  I will admit when I first read it, my heart was racing a bit.

There is a big part of me that wants to respond.  If she was an average ex, I would respond, but doing so with her only opens up either an attempted recycle or just more pain.  NC all the way.  She didn't just burn her bridge with me, she nuked it.  Then she peed on the ashes.  I am worth more than that, I finally realize that.

The strange thing is she was more the introvert when we met, and I was the extrovert. I really am a natural born leader; I think it's one of the things she found so attractive about me. Over time it changed. I became more introverted, she became extroverted. But she is really more narcisstitc and a show off than extroverted. And that comes from her weak ego. You know I think I could find a way to speak to her if I could find a way to feel pity for her rather than anger. But knowing her she'd find a way to get a dig in at me like yours.

I'm sorry you got treated that way. And I'm glad you're doing so much better. I hope that for myself one day. We were together 9.5 yrs, knew one another 10. My heart is still fractured even after 7 months.

[MrFox]

The strange thing is she was more the introvert when we met, and I was the extrovert. I really am a natural born leader; I think it's one of the things she found so attractive about me. Over time it changed. I became more introverted, she became extroverted. But she is really more narcisstitc and a show off than extroverted. And that comes from her weak ego. You know I think I could find a way to speak to her if I could find a way to feel pity for her rather than anger. But knowing her she'd find a way to get a dig in at me like yours.

I'm sorry you got treated that way. And I'm glad you're doing so much better. I hope that for myself one day. We were together 9.5 yrs, knew one another 10. My heart is still fractured even after 7 months.

My ex and I were somewhat the same, she was an introvert as well.  Her narcissism gets fed by social media, etc.  Not one for much actual public exposure. FB and the like gives her the ability to precisely control the image she presents.

I know what you mean by wanting to find a way to talk with them.  I wish I could as well.  I wish I could talk to her and have her hear me.  But, I cannot think of a way and she doesn't want to hear anything from me.  Well, I am sure there are things she wants to hear but I am unwilling to say them, because I would be betraying myself.

Thanks for the support, Shadow.  Sorry to hear of your treatment in pain.  In a way, I got lucky compared to a lot of the people on this board.  I was friends with her for 2 years, in a relationship for 1.5, and am 1.5 years out.  My "time in" was a lot less then yours and I am further removed.

Stay strong.  Your heart is hurt but it will heal.  Don't run from the pain.  Use it to make yourself a better person.  Don't wallow in it either.  Take your life back.  Become happy with yourself, because no one else can do that for you.  Oh, and buy my self-help book

[apollotech]

MrFox,

I have read those "expiration date" sayings in several threads. My BPDexgf mentioned to me one time that I had an expiration date in our relationship. It was a very odd thing to hear. She never got a chance to exercise it; I pulled the trigger on the relationship about four weeks later. Madness abounds with them. I am happy to hear that you are handling this with humor!

Apollotech

[jhkbuzz]

She didn't just burn her bridge with me, she nuked it.  Then she peed on the ashes.  I am worth more than that, I finally realize that.

That's freaking AWESOME! ^^^^ 

[MrFox]

MrFox,

I have read those "expiration date" sayings in several threads. My BPDexgf mentioned to me one time that I had an expiration date in our relationship. It was a very odd thing to hear. She never got a chance to exercise it; I pulled the trigger on the relationship about four weeks later. Madness abounds with them. I am happy to hear that you are handling this with humor!

Apollotech

Apollotech,

Thank you.  I have tried anger, I have tried hurt, I have tried not caring.  In the end humor is the one thing that helps me through it the most.  I loved her and I wanted a life with her.  Instead, I got craziness and hate.  It sucks so hard that in the end the only thing I can do is shrug my shoulders and try to find humor in the things that life presents us.  Defense mechanism?  Yeah, but better then letting it eat at my soul.

I somehow have made it past the expiration date and wish that I hadn't. 

[MrFox]

She didn't just burn her bridge with me, she nuked it.  Then she peed on the ashes.  I am worth more than that, I finally realize that.

That's freaking AWESOME! ^^^^ 

Thank you, jhk 

[JohnLove]

"... .I generally only keep people around a year or two."

Wow, enough said! I was not aware that relationships came with expiration dates affixed.

Yes... .gives a whole new meaning to the term USE BY:  

[Lion Fire]

Thanks for posting this.

I'm almost a year out, 9 months NC , she stopped reaching out 7 months ago.

I've since moved on but had some unexpected resentful thoughts today so it was time to check in on this board :-) I'm doing great in my new career, I'm involved in a stable relationship and there is mostly balance and good health in all areas of my life.

This message reminds me to always remain vigilant when it comes to my ex. It will never be safe for me to engage with her in any way.

Peace