After being painted blacker than black, she is back

[Alberto]

Being idealized is quite a "high" even if you don't have narcissitic traits!  

You don't have to hate her to love yourself.  You don't have to think she is a bad person in order to protect your own emotional well being.

"What are you supposed to do?"

What do you want to do?

What do YOU want to do?

In all your responses you've talked about what you think she needs.

What do you need?  What would be best for you in this situation?

A nice ending would be her apologizing, me apologizing and both being happy far away from each other haha...

And what are the chances of all that happening in a genuinely validating, feel-good kind of way?

• Your apology



• Her apology



• You're genuinely happy for her that she's leaving and you wish her the best



• She's genuinely happy for you and ready to move on.

The thing is I believe she lacks the ability to find happiness, and I can't help but to feel bad for her. I think I sounded co-dependent again haha.

Yup. 

[Mutt]

You can't fix her.

[Alberto]

It's strange because she pushed you away it is a defense mechanism. You were split black a threat to her, not something that's in your control or hers.

That being said. I was split white after a 24+ month period of being split black. I had to ask myself why am I split white? Split white is because she has something that she wants from me and not necessarily for me and from our prior history together usually it was something that was an ends to a means.

jhkbuzz asked a good question.

What do you want?

Do you think she may receive your message as intended?

An option is become fully detached, heal and become stronger. Perhaps another time is a better choice to let her know.

There's a time and place.

I think pwHPD have a really strange relation with love and sex. They seem to find sex disgusting with the people they really love, because it's a replay of an oedipus complex and it feels incestous. We had a very long emotional relationship, but a very short sexual relationship, that was very hard to understand to me because I knew she had lots of one night stands. Maybe she loves me but she will never be able to have a full relationship with me, so this might be a last contact before everything is lost... .? I don't know.

[jhkbuzz]

You can't fix her.

^^^

[Alberto]

Being idealized is quite a "high" even if you don't have narcissitic traits!  

You don't have to hate her to love yourself.  You don't have to think she is a bad person in order to protect your own emotional well being.

"What are you supposed to do?"

What do you want to do?

What do YOU want to do?

In all your responses you've talked about what you think she needs.

What do you need?  What would be best for you in this situation?

A nice ending would be her apologizing, me apologizing and both being happy far away from each other haha...

And what are the chances of all that happening in a genuinely validating, feel-good kind of way?

• Your apology



• Her apology



• You're genuinely happy for her that she's leaving and you wish her the best



• She's genuinely happy for you and ready to move on.

The thing is I believe she lacks the ability to find happiness, and I can't help but to feel bad for her. I think I sounded co-dependent again haha.

Yup. 

The chances of that happening are pretty nil I have to admit.

I have to say I'm kind of proud of being a bit co-dependent, I think we are pretty good people.

94% of women are not disordered, so the chances of it getting out of hand again are small.

[jhkbuzz]

Being idealized is quite a "high" even if you don't have narcissitic traits!  

You don't have to hate her to love yourself.  You don't have to think she is a bad person in order to protect your own emotional well being.

"What are you supposed to do?"

What do you want to do?

What do YOU want to do?

In all your responses you've talked about what you think she needs.

What do you need?  What would be best for you in this situation?

A nice ending would be her apologizing, me apologizing and both being happy far away from each other haha...

And what are the chances of all that happening in a genuinely validating, feel-good kind of way?

• Your apology



• Her apology



• You're genuinely happy for her that she's leaving and you wish her the best



• She's genuinely happy for you and ready to move on.

The thing is I believe she lacks the ability to find happiness, and I can't help but to feel bad for her. I think I sounded co-dependent again haha.

Yup.  

The chances of that happening are pretty nil I have to admit.

I have to say I'm kind of proud of being a bit co-dependent, I think we are pretty good people.

94% of women are not disordered, so the chances of it getting out of hand again are small.

The chances of that happening are pretty nil I have to admit.

That's a good realization to come to.  So now that you've gotten that out of the way, what would be best for YOU in this situation? What would be the best course of action to ensure your own well being, emotional health, and peace of mind?

I have to say I'm kind of proud of being a bit co-dependent, I think we are pretty good people.

94% of women are not disordered, so the chances of it getting out of hand again are small.

Ah... .but the problem with that is that codependents tend to attract disordered people. Do you want a 3rd BPD r/s?  You may want to rethink that "pride"... .it is possible to be a very good person without being codependent.

[Alberto]

Now that I know I can be happy with a non, I don't really care about the outcome, I was completely sure we would never talk again and I was finally fine with the notion. I really think I left the worst of this breakup behind me, so if we both get closure it's probably better than thinking we hate each other.

The important thing is that I definitely don't see her as the key to my happiness, and that's probably a strong sign of healing.

[jhkbuzz]

Now that I know I can be happy with a non, I don't really care about the outcome, I was completely sure we would never talk again and I was finally fine with the notion. I really think I left the worst of this breakup behind me, so if we both get closure it's probably better than thinking we hate each other.

The important thing is that I definitely don't see her as the key to my happiness, and that's probably a strong sign of healing.

That IS good!    Let us know how it all turns out!

[Alberto]

Now that I know I can be happy with a non, I don't really care about the outcome, I was completely sure we would never talk again and I was finally fine with the notion. I really think I left the worst of this breakup behind me, so if we both get closure it's probably better than thinking we hate each other.

The important thing is that I definitely don't see her as the key to my happiness, and that's probably a strong sign of healing.

That IS good!    Let us know how it all turns out!

Of course! You've all been a great help. I really appreciate the people I found here.

[Mutt]

Optimally a relationship with two healthy adults will provide each other closure.

Sometimes a partner can't provide closure, perhaps they passed or they suffer from a personality disorder. It's not to say everyone that suffers from BPD won't give closure, it us a spectrum disorder and people are different, these are simply a couple of examples that come to mind.

I can relate how difficult it is when we don't receive closure from a person that was of significance in our lives Alberto

We can give ourselves closure.