so my BPD said she had not loved me for a year

[dobie]

After the break up with my undiag BPD x she told me she had not loved me for a year but was hoping things were going to get better but was too cowardley to leave me so was conflicted and ploughing ahead with the wedding and the house purchase .

Of course weeks before she left she told me "she would kill herself if anything happened to me " and how she always thought "we were meant to be " and even a few month previously was happy at the thought of being pregnant .

My question is if she had BPD traits is this possible or do they just love you one day then leave you the next ! ? Can they detach over a year and be conflicted ?

[Aurylian]

I think they say whatever feels real to them at the time they are talking.  If they are down then the never loved you.  If they are fearful of abandonment then they always loved you.  What they say does not necessarily have any relation to fact.

[Deeno02]

Yes they can. Unfortunately, in my case, I was devalued over the course of the r/s after the honeymoon phase wore off( around 7 month mark of our 16 month r/s). Felt myself being slowly pushed away, more crazy making, and me trying ever harder to hold it together(I knew nothing of BPD). Constant verbal, emotional and mental abuse finally broke me and I was shattered. She dumped me and a week later, with her old college buddy. In most cases they will not drop you like a bad habit until they have someone else on the string, not sure if thats your case or not, I'm still not positive it happened with me(I suspect so due to the quick turnaround). Over all, I dont exist anymore to her. They are so capable of turning it off. As documented by others on this forum, people spent 6 months to 30 years with BPDers and its mostly the same result at the end of the r/s, Poof, you dont exist to them anymore. Defense mechanism? Modus Operandi? Dont know, each one is different yet the same. As far as being conflicted or remorseful? Not sure. I think you will hear both school of thoughts on it. Personally? I dont think mine does at all or its internalized so deep she wont acknowledge the r/s.

[JRT]

By all accounts that I have read, they are incapable of real love. They don't know love and, accordingly, use it as it relates to satisfying their needs. It took me a while to accept that mine didn't really love me in the way that an adult does. This is part of the reason why it is so easy for them to devalue and discard.

I love my new car. If someone stole it today, I would be disappointed but would be okay tomorrow with the rental car and even better when the insurance company delivered the replacement; it might even be the newer model with a different color interior and trim. I wouldn't put much thought into the old one... .neither do they.

[fromheeltoheal]

Think about it: at the beginning of any relationship we're walking on air and the other person is awesome, they have nothing but positive traits, sayings like 'love is blind' come out of that, and then after a while, once the honeymoon wears off, our partners end up being standard human, a mix of traits we like and traits we don't; hopefully the good ones outweigh the bad ones.  And if we were to focus on nothing but the traits we don't like we'd develop a dislike for that person, if we focus on the ones we do, they stay pretty attractive, and in the end it's accepting someone as who they are all the way that will make it work.

Now take a borderline, someone with intense emotions they have trouble regulating and an unstable sense of self, and it's not a stretch to see that when they focus on the traits they don't like they will 'hate' you, when they focus on the ones they do they will 'love' you.  And throw in the constant focus on the threat of abandonment and the cognitive distortion that comes out of making feelings facts, those pesky components of mental illness, and how a borderline 'feels' about their partner is all over the map and fluid, unpredictable, even to them.  But really it's just an exaggeration of what we all experience, like that time I 'knew' a 'normal' girlfriend was cheating on me, off with some guy, sent me into a tizzy, freaking out, when she was with her mother planning a surprise for me; boy did I feel like a schmuck that day, but things like that allow us to relate to the challenges borderlines face full time.  Of course being on the receiving end of that hurts too, so how do we avoid it in the future?

[dobie]

Deanoo : No she dumped me for her new Best Friend that and her sister are her triangulation plus random dates no doubt .

She said if she saw me early on she would have come back for a year due to my "powers of persuassion" (no strong sense of self and me using logic ) again its so confusing to work out .

Great post heal2heel

Yes it was wow your the most amazing god like man for years then anger and resentment over xyz to the point even now she is still seething over xyz to the point it obscures or minimises all the good traits .

Plus her paranoia I can't be trusted , or that even now supportive and nuturing actions I took in the r/s to her have a hidden and sinister machevilian agenda . her feelings of  emptiness , her lack of ability to enjoy anything to much because its all "going to go wrong " her anxiety / worry her inability to even form and hold onto long lasting friednships and I can see how she could never hold down a successful r/s once the idealisation phase is over .

Her feelings are facts "I've always felt we are meant to be " "I feel in my gut we are not meant to be "

[clydegriffith]

They can completley detatch. The BPDX went from saying and acting like i was the love of her life to saying she never loved me in the blink of an eye.

[downwhim]

Yes, the Jekyll and Hyde way they act equals:

Good morning gorgeous - hey what's up

I loved you for 8 years and I love you now - 24 hrs later - we are done MOVE ON!

Beautiful trip to Cabo - 4am last night -raging, screaming and yelling about a $15.00 drink I bought

Will you marry me? - I never wanted to get married!

Do you want me to tile your bath? - I am sick and tired of helping you around your house

I think you are in love with your neighbor Dave - I will never come over again

Can't wait until we both heal from our operations so we can finally do it again - I just can't get that feeling back (48 hours later)

Move in with me - silent treatment

Who wouldn't go nuts and spend time reading, getting help and being on this board when push/pull and crazy behavior shook your world. I had no idea what BPD was.

Saying she did not love you for a year was a way to hurt you. They do not know what love is and of course have no empathy to dish out either.

[mitchell16]

its been my experience yes they can. I think its one of the things that make these relationship so hard to understand or deal with when they end. Its the never ending mixed signals, conflicting words and actions. Mine went from telling me in novemeber one year that we should start shopping for " our " house cause we was fixng to get married. This was after she told me she didnt wnat to get married. about 3 days after telling we should buying for  our place shes breaking up with me. she told our therapist she never wanted to gte married to me even though I had texts message where just a week earlier she telling me she decided we should get married. and the once again breaks it off with me. Their minds change on a dime.

[dobie]

Yes, the Jekyll and Hyde way they act equals:

Good morning gorgeous - hey what's up

I loved you for 8 years and I love you now - 24 hrs later - we are done MOVE ON!

Beautiful trip to Cabo - 4am last night -raging, screaming and yelling about a $15.00 drink I bought

Will you marry me? - I never wanted to get married!

Do you want me to tile your bath? - I am sick and tired of helping you around your house

I think you are in love with your neighbor Dave - I will never come over again

Can't wait until we both heal from our operations so we can finally do it again - I just can't get that feeling back (48 hours later)

Move in with me - silent treatment

Who wouldn't go nuts and spend time reading, getting help and being on this board when push/pull and crazy behavior shook your world. I had no idea what BPD was.

Saying she did not love you for a year was a way to hurt you. They do not know what love is and of course have no empathy to dish out either.

That's how the last year felt

She said to my bro if I had seen here early on in the BU she would have been able to do "us for another year or two "

She was conflicted for the last year or so it was only when she had her new supply her new GF I was no longer needed in any capacity .

Like she said "I have a friend now I don't need you "

Resentment , frustration , distrust , paranoia all building

"How can i trust you " " conspiracy theories I only wanted her so we could buy a house " or "so I could use her for her money " ... .

"Everything is going so well I'm waiting for something bad to happen "

" the fact we didn't sleep in the same bed even though she made it near impossible "

" me not smiling when I picked her up from work exhausted "

"Just before the BU where she was isolating herself and snapping at me for everything " where I posted on FB how nice it would be to be single

"Her going on holiday for three days and not missing me (with her new GF) "

"Me not being super happy to see her when she got back " because I had just had some really bad news at work

"Her admittance she had purposely distanced herself from my family for a year " after she thought they didn't like her

"Her texts every day telling me how much she missed me "

"her happiness thinking she was pregnant then unhappiness "

"Her anger I would stay out of loyalty if she was pregnant even if we ever fell out of love for the sake of the kids "

Arghhh its all so crazy .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey dobie, It's hard, but I suggest you take her commentaries with a grain of salt.  Those w/BPD say a lot of unkind things which, in my view, reflect more on their turbulent state of mind than on you.  Don't buy into it, is my advice.

LuckyJim

[Blimblam]

Dubi I'm sorry man!  But you know what I realized the same thing with my ex.  It was like she just stopped loving me all of a sudden for no reason then the devaluing began.  It sucked.  It is what it is though, which is very painful! It's one of those things that's not necessarily your fault if you get too close and let in to her inner most chamber she feels the pain and fear of abandonment triggered and like she's being smothered and will drown.  Except now were not the hero anymore we are her "captor?" Screw that. 

[Vatz]

Sometimes even healthy, normal and decent people find themselves in such positions. People fall out of love, lust or whatever. It happens. She could have said it because of her emotional state at the time, or it could be the objective and irrefutable truth. Either way, what do you gain from knowing for sure at this stage of the game?

Its hard but there really isnt much you can do about it now, there may have been nothing you could have done then.

[dobie]

Dubi I'm sorry man!  But you know what I realized the same thing with my ex.  It was like she just stopped loving me all of a sudden for no reason then the devaluing began.  It sucked.  It is what it is though, which is very painful! It's one of those things that's not necessarily your fault if you get too close and let in to her inner most chamber she feels the pain and fear of abandonment triggered and like she's being smothered and will drown.  Except now were not the hero anymore we are her "captor?" Screw that.  

That's what it felt like , her attempt at self harm after a minor argument "her crying and asking me to let her go" her distrust , paranoia  and feelings of relief from being free of me like I was her captor instead of her partner and best friend .

Her fears I would convince her to stay , her lack of remorse or accountability for anything esp the way she broke up . Her telling me she does not know who she is and how everything about her is from me . how she hung on my every word (idealisation) but now she no longer respects me .

Her worry I would divorce her and steal all her money  :'(

These are not the normal actions and feelings of a healthy person .  

Distrust , paranoia , resentment , thinking I'm some sort of hidden nasty person ... how supportive actions by me carry some sort of nasty agenda

[Blimblam]

Yeah dubie yeah

It sucks the life out of you.  It's so confusing because a bunch of contradictory defence mechenisms are at play and the pwBPDs reality depends on how these defence mechenisms and irrational fears make her feel at that moment.  But it's like drugs they chase that innitial high with us but can't get it back and loath us for it.  Chasing that high.

[Infared]

I think they say whatever feels real to them at the time they are talking.  If they are down then the never loved you.  If they are fearful of abandonment then they always loved you.  What they say does not necessarily have any relation to fact.

I was starting to sort the mess out when I realized that what you wrote above was the truth.

I had to think, irresponsible 9-year-old with sexual prowess... .Then things started to fall into place and the words and behavior were making a whole lot of sense. 

It was not a good time for me.

[mitatsu]

I think they say whatever feels real to them at the time they are talking.  If they are down then the never loved you.  If they are fearful of abandonment then they always loved you.  What they say does not necessarily have any relation to fact.

aint dat da troof