" self fulfilling prophecy" ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

   all

My dexBPDgf always said her life was a.self fulfilling prophecy.  What in the hell was she talking about?  She would say that she did not want to destroy the r/s , she knew she would  eventually destroy it so she just did it now instead of later.   not just wih me any realationship. Any insight here would be appreciated. 

[sun seeker]

   all

My dexBPDgf always said her life was a.self fulfilling prophecy.  What in the hell was she talking about?  She would say that she did not want to destroy the r/s , she knew she would  eventually destroy it so she just did it now instead of later.   not just wih me any realationship. Any insight here would be appreciated. 

[hope2727]

Mine said something similar. Its a form of confirmation bias. (You can google that term its a common psychology term)  Basically he felt as much as he wanted to be in a happy healthy relationship with me it was going to fail so he looked for ways to confirm that it was failing. He looked for any clue that would mean I was cheating or lying or leaving him. Thus his lousy behaviour related to looking for the relationship to fail i.e. jealousy over perceived cheating (I wasn't), snooping to catch me lying (I wasn't), pushing me away to test if I would leave (I didn't) resulted in him becoming intolerable to be around so ta da ... .the relationship failed. Does that help?

[downwhim]

Mine just said he needed to date when we got engaged. I guess that meant, opps, I should not have asked her. This will fail because I need to hurry up and replace her... all such gobble... .painful stuff that he should have kept to himself but he had a tendency to say things out loud that I think he meant to keep inside.

[fromheeltoheal]

That actually shows some awareness on your gf's part sun.  Borderlines fear abandonment primarily, it's a constant focus, and when they get too close to someone they fear engulfment, losing themselves.  Those two fears oppose one another which is the root cause of the push/pull dance; get too close, fear engulfment and push away, get too far away, fear abandonment and pull back, constantly trying to find the contentment on the fence between them, always moving.  So it's said that behavior, along with all the other behaviors, maladaptive coping mechanisms, drive people away, so the original fear of abandonment was a 'self-fulfilling prophesy', meaning focus on something and it will become true, because you focused on it, self-fulfilling.

So your gf stating that may have come out of experience and references; she thinks everyone will leave and they have, so she was right.  Good awareness to start with and the next step would be to find out why, a tough road for anyone to do that introspection and digging, especially for a borderline, but fruitful if you stick it out.  Of course in the case of BPD it's subconscious so the more help she can get digging the better.

[sun seeker]

 Thanks all Hope , Down and Fromheel

I googled the term it just didnt click.  

You guys helped me understand.   Thank you.  For some reason this thought just came to me today. As I always I want to understand , it helps my process.

My dexBPDgf would not look for confirmation she would physically do something to destroy the r/s , lie,  cheat , etc.

I hope she does get help an does the work... A couple weeks before I walked away she was starting therapy again. She told me.(I couldnt differentiate  truth and lies)  It was just to late for me. Sticking it out with a BPD even with therapy does not appeal to me anymore.

 

[StarOfTheSea]

My exBPDbf used to say things like that a lot. I remember he used to say this to me often and for no logical reason: "when you get tired of my bs and leave". He also used to tell me " I know I'm a selfish pr-k and that you'll get tired of it and leave. "

The weirdest was on my birthday, when he was explaining to me why he bought me a fabulous sewing machine (which I was thrilled with) instead of jewelry. He said that every time he bought a woman jewelry, she'd leave. I told him I would never do that and he said he knew I wouldn't leave, but if he bought me jewelry he'd probably lose me in a car accident or something. WEIRD. BTW, I never complained about my gift, he brought up the superstitious jewelry issue out of the blue. Like, why tell me this s-t?

Funny thing is, he gave me a diamond necklace two days before he ditched me. So I guess that was a self fulfilling prophecy!

[apollotech]

I heard the same types of statements from my BPDexgf: you will eventually get tired of me and leave... .you will get agrivated with me and leave... .I know that I will eventually f**k this up... .what if I am not good enough... .relationships place too many restrictions on me... .I always f**k these things up... .I am f**ked up... .you will leave... .you won't love me eventually... .as soon as you know me you will leave... .etc. My BPDexgf was/is very aware that something was/is wrong with her. What she cannot do is face herself in order to discover/fix what that something is.

Her behavior did indeed drive the bus over the edge of the cliff. Once she painted me black the first time it was never the same. She objectified me and compartmentalized me at that moment; to her I was never again a person. She became extremely selfish from that point forward. Her behavior worsened. As a result of this real her, I ended the relationship. She knows herself, and she knew what was coming. I left because of her behavior----self-fulfilled prophecy.

[4Years5Months]

My ex said at the outset that I would eventually tire of her Debbie Downer attitude and leave her.  I never did.  She did, seven times.  Each time she did, she would tell me she couldn't be the woman I deserved, that I would quickly find someone else and forget about her, and that she was a selfish, immature person.  Of course, it was HER who immediately found someone else.  But with each recycle, she would cry and promise to work on herself.  She never did, nor did she ever attempt to do so.