Thier version of stories is completely different

[maxsterling]

Noticing that my wife will tell some story to a friend and it will be completely different than what I remember.  Usually, it will be a stressful dysregulation that I ached over, and my wife is recounting it as just a "small slip". 

Do you think she really remembers these things to be less than what I remember, or do you think she is "putting on a show" just for the friend? 

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[hellosun]

Both possibilities sound reasonable. But I have no idea. Is it possible to ask her?

Sometimes, I will ask my husband how he feels about an event that was difficult, and he will say how wonderful it was, that he was so glad we could spend time together, and so forth. And I'm thinking, that was the day you freaked out over something minor, and sulked for an hour, or I hurt your feelings accidently, or whatever the case may be. It is weird you don't remember how you felt during that part of the event.

Then, randomly weeks later, he seems to have these periods of reflection in which has realized that he "ruined" a particular event or outing or whatever. He appologizes sincerely to me for his behaviour. And then I'm like, do you know why you acted that way? And he can't say. He can't seem to figure out why his emotions were out of control. So I they to comfort him, and remind him that the whole event wasn't ruined.

So could perhaps there be some splitting happening when my husband and your wife look back on events?

Edited: because I hit post too soon.

[vortex of confusion]

Keep in mind that everyone perceives things differently. Two non disordered people could witness the same event and have a completely different explanation of what happened. A lot of times, how one experiences an event is influenced by his/her back story.

It is likely that she is putting on a show for friends. I think a lot of people embellish or alter stories to put themselves in a more positive light.

Instead of comparing your perception to hers, you can have your interpretation and she can have hers.

And, another possibility is that her reality is broken. 

[OffRoad]

My H has this weird need to look "perfect" to everyone else. In the past, he has behaved like a troll to me as we were driving to an event and the second we get there, he's "on". I'm left trying to get my game face on because I feel like crap.  But in his mind "It was a great time."

I think it's 50/50 as to whether your W re-wrote history, or is trying to downplay her behavior to look good to other people. If I didn't have recording of H, I'd begin to wonder if I imagined things... .

[formflier]

Do you think she really remembers these things to be less than what I remember, or do you think she is "putting on a show" just for the friend? 

I think she really remembers it that way (in that moment)... .which is affected by the emotions she is feeling (in that moment).

So... .if she has pleasant feelings for the friend... .it is likely that a pleasant story will come out.

My wife does this kind of thing a bunch... .  The exact same story will be "remembered" one way when someone needs to be painted black... .and "remembered" another way to paint someone white.

Heaven help me if I ask "Hey... .I thought you were mad about that... ."  (or glad)... .if she is feeling the opposite.

[Notwendy]

I find that when I recall something that bothered me, my H will say " well it wasn't all bad was it?" I guess that means if it isn't all bad, then it wasn't a bad experience? Also, my H was not very involved with the hands on work of raising kids when they were little, nor has he done dishes but once in a blue moon. However, yes, he has, on rare occasion, changed a diaper and done the dishes. If I ever alude to this, his reply is " I do dishes" " I changed diapers". OK, technically yes- maybe a few times.

I recall that my mother disliked taking me shopping as a pre-teen. I guess it may not be the most pleasant task to drag a picky pre-teen around the mall. By the time I was able to go on my own, that's what I did most of the time. We were talking about a neighbor's child who just got accepted to college and my mother reminisced about how much fun she had shopping for college things with me for my room and clothes. I know that I had these things- sheets, blankets, towels- for my dorm, but I don't recall any memorable time getting them, or if I was shopping with her or not.

She also has a detailed memory of events such as when I was little and didn't share a cookie with my brother as if this somehow meant I was a selfish child. Sounds more like I was a typical kid wanting to eat that cookie myself.

[Verbena]

This thread really strikes a chord with me.  My DD29, who has BPD, has completely rewritten history when it comes to her  BPD diagnosis when she was 18.  All these years later, it didn't really happen.  She often remarks on how awful she was as a teenager (yes, she was) but says nothing about the chaos she created all through her 20's.  She is better now, by the way, since becoming a mother five months ago but the BPD thinking is still very much there. 

My H, who is the most negative, miserable person I have ever known, doesn't re-write history; he just doesn't remember it.  He swore up and down that a particular photo was taken on the day my son locked the keys in our car when we dropped him off at his university after Thanksgiving about three years ago.  In this photo my H was almost smiling--and he very rarely smiles.  He "forgot" that the keys were locked in the car within five minutes of us arriving at our son's school, and he "forgot" the temper fit he instantly threw when this happened.  He "forgot" that my son and I walked away from him and let him make a fool of himself, and he "forgot" that no almost-smiling photos were taken once the keys were locked in the car.  He doesn't recall giving me the silent treatment on the two-hour ride home either.   

[brandelin]

I'm pretty new to all of this, but my DH honestly remembers things differently than I do.  I've found this unacceptable in some situations, where he needs to take responsibility for his actions, but I feel like it's one of those "choose your battles" moments.  If it's something that has to be addressed, then there's cause to pursue.  Thus far I have yet to convince DH that something happened if he doesn't remember it that way, but I still stand my ground on the really big ones.  I let anything else go.

[rarsweet]

I think in the moment, pwBPD  aren't seeing things as they are happening. As in any critisism is a huge character attack. Picture this scenerio. You take a walk and you have blue tinted sunglasses on. You pass this pretty red house with a green car out front. Later on if you look back and picture the house, you describe it as it really is. PwBPD  would describe it as if the tint from the sunglasses was really what it looked like, they would describe the house as purple. Make sense? Their perception alters reality.

[Notwendy]

Time can affect a memory, for all of us.

My found out about a crush I had in college. Nothing went on, it was really just a crush. He asked me about the guy, and I described him as I remembered him, however it had been a long time ago. When my H saw his picture in a yearbook, much later he looked different than how I described him.

H went crazy accusing me of lying about him, and then assumed that since I was lying about how the guy looked, I must be lying about all of it. At the end of the rage, it seemed my H had thought I had slept with every guy in the yearbook.

I had no idea about BPD at the time. Both my H and I had had other relationships before we were married, and I had not been dishonest about that. By the time he finished raging at me about whatever he imagined I did with my old boyfriends, I felt very shamed as he had assumed I had slept with the whole school and had lied to him.

However, if I bring this up to him, he doesn't remember it that way at all. He says he didn't do any of that, that he was just temporarily jealous when he saw the picture.

[maxsterling]

I'm thinking that many times (or most of the time) they don't have the same memories as we do of a particular event.  Somehow, they block out the ugliness.

I say this because there have been several instances where she has been downright nasty to me, and days or weeks later realize how mean she was.  I remember once she went to therapy, and afterwards called me up at work with a big revelation that she has been abusive to me.  My thought was "duh... ." and shocked that it took going to therapy for her to realize this. 

So my feeling is that to them, they don't think they are lying because they truly believe their version of events.