Will my BPD x re-engage?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The one thing I miss out on is my step child I raised since a toddler, given I was only a step parent I now get zip, nothing, no contact etc like I was never called dad for all those years. Thats a pretty big sucky point.

we had a baby together. She simply vanished without warning.

Sorry to hijack this post, but this is just plain terrible. I am really sorry to hear that this is the case. How long have you both been nc since she did her disappearing act?

[JRT]

The one thing I miss out on is my step child I raised since a toddler, given I was only a step parent I now get zip, nothing, no contact etc like I was never called dad for all those years. Thats a pretty big sucky point.

we had a baby together. She simply vanished without warning.

Sorry to hijack this post, but this is just plain terrible. I am really sorry to hear that this is the case. How long have you both been nc since she did her disappearing act?

[runningup]

Its so damn hard on the front of the kids when they are involved. I havnt seen my stepchild in approx 5 weeks. I have had NC for about 3 weeks now.

[JRT]

I know that it is not the same as yours as you had far more invested than I did but I began to refer her son as my step-son to others. As much as a headache as he was, I really miss him as well. I can only imagine your frustration and pain... .sorry that you are going through this, man.

[runningup]

Hey guys, Im not having a good day, I know I shouldnt be but Im just missing her so much, I know I keep thinking of all the evil and bad that has surrounded our relationship, but Im struggling.

[Infared]

Runningup... .sorry to hear about the little guy and losing your connection with him. I bet you were a positive influence on him and that his life is better for having you in it. I had a similar loss in my life and I always tried to focus on the good times that I had with the child and how I nurtured and built self esteem with the little guy and I hold on to those memories as they are just positive thoughts of us both growing together.  Sometimes we just have to let go of things in life and grieve the loss.  It sure is not easy, but I got  as much support around me as I could and did my best to move forward.  

This situation is out of your control and you are dealing with a person with a personality disorder.  We are left with abrupt endings that do not make a whole lot of sense... .and be careful... my ex was very childlike and would just try to reconnect casually after ruthlessly deceiving me and running off... .while using the new supply for her tough front... .it was not pretty and if I did not remain strong, I could get sucked into her sick games... .

I got a T and a support group and took small steps daily to see the truth out of the FOG and tried to strengthen and protect myself from a very self-centered, callous person.  It didn't matter if the person was normal, ill or evil... .in the end I was left with detaching and taking care of me.  I had to grieve that loss like a death and stay NC. It was vital for me to move on with my life.  You can do this... .just focus on protecting and loving you... .tough stuff... .But it gets better!  

[runningup]

Had a pretty rough weekend, not sleeping still and finding my thoughts and feelings are still so eratic. My feelings of hopelessness is growing stronger, and my feelings of loss towards her seems to be not easing.

[Vatz]

Had a pretty rough weekend, not sleeping still and finding my thoughts and feelings are still so eratic. My feelings of hopelessness is growing stronger, and my feelings of loss towards her seems to be not easing.

It might feel that way for a while. But that's part of the process. Such feelings are natural.

I still have moments when either I see something or do something I'd think "She'd have loved this." Then I'd get a little sad. The first few months were really intense and what you're going through will subside.

Eventually though, you might not miss them at all. But that takes time.

Right now I would recommend you find a hobby and just go with it for a while. Make it your focus. For me it was the gym. 3-4 days a week and tracking my progress sometimes helps keep the mind preoccupied. You're vulnerable right now, take measures.

[Mike-X]

Are you doing things to work on 'you'? The anxiety, sadness, etc. comes with detaching. I felt it all day everyday initially, then a few times a day, and now once or twice a week. I have found that there are triggers too. I don't fight it. I try to accept it, saying to myself, "well that is because you truly loved her." But I also say to myself that I don't need, want, or deserve the dysregulation that comes with BPD. I just don't want and can't have that in my life.

Life has gotten a whole lot better as the FOG has started clearing. I am focused more and more on me, my interests, hobbies, and work, and it feels better and better everyday. All of the devaluing, subtle things that I had forgotten about or didn't pick up on early in the relationship, has become clear as the anxiety over the rages, losing her, and a future without her has subsided, and I know that I don't want to live that way. That is not the loving relationship that we set out to have, and if she doesn'tget serious about treatment, I have accepted that the woman I fell in love with is gone.

  I feel so bad for her. I just feel sad for her when we talk anymore (still low contact). She lives a vacant lfe of denial, avoiding true intimacy, friendship, and love with anyone. She doesn't have much positive to say about anyone. With low contact, I just sit, listen, and try not to guide the conversations, and I now see how much I guided the conversations when we were together and all of the mirroring. I saw her as a perfect match for me, probably a lot of my projecting and her mirroring and enjoying having a 'life'.

Do you have a therapist? Do you have friends and family that you can turn to?

[runningup]

Its interesting the "mirroring" comment, I hadnt thought of it like that. I had always looked back at her previous relationships, and seen how she attached herself to that persons interests and hobbies, and can look back on our time together and relate to it seeming perfect, that we had so much in common, when in fact it was her mirroring my interests.

Also when your talking about how much you drove conversations, I can relate to that also looking back, I would try and engage and get imput on tings, even simple things like what to watch on tv, and would more often than now get the "whatever you want to watch", which is now being perceived by her as me being controlling.

I find that my mornings seem to be going okish, maybe its the residual of valium from the previous night. I am still not getting to sleep at night, finding i cannot shut me brain down.

I have an appt with the psychologist at the end of the month, so still need to struggle at best through the next few weeks.

getting updates from previous friends at my old work isnt help, such as "You didn't hear it from me but apparently she took the note off the flowers with her when she left work" with some flowers I sent last week that she palmed off to another girl there so her new BF wouldnt find out.

Not working is the worst I am finding, no reason to be, no feeling of self worth. Its a struggle and trying to gain new emplyment isnt easy. My house where I used to live isnt selling, so managing what money I had left to cover the mortgage is tight.

I have been working out again 3 times a week, slowly putting weight back on, I dropped to 67 kg from not eating but that is slowly improving.

[Vatz]

Tough situation runningup.

Also, you should probably tell your friends to not mention any details about her, or even talk to you about her. A friend once mentioned he mine once on the train and he's like ":)on't worry, I didn't come up to her or anything. It was just super weird." Another suggestion would be to stay away from Facebook for a while. Unless you actually *need* to be on it like say for your job or what-have-you. Otherwise, probably best to steer clear of social media at least until you've healed enough to not let that stuff get you down although I'd wager that will take a while.

It's funny, but my weight went in the opposite direction. I gained a whole lot since her... .blech   (But I've made strides so yay.)

Keep posting, guy. We've been there, some of us are still there. Details might be different but I'm sure folks here know what you're going through. Just remember that unless you absolutely must, whether legal reasons or if ya'll have a kid together, then remain totally NC, which may involve stepping away from mutual friends if they refuse to respect your boundaries about sharing information regarding her whereabouts. Yeah?

All the best.

[runningup]

Other kicker I struggle with is creating sexual imagery in my mind of her with someone else, I have to keep stopping myself and realising that it is only my imagination and the reality is probably a damn site lot more pathetic, that aside having those thoughts come and go do sting in the tail a lot.

[Infared]

Other kicker I struggle with is creating sexual imagery in my mind of her with someone else, I have to keep stopping myself and realising that it is only my imagination and the reality is probably a damn site lot more pathetic, that aside having those thoughts come and go do sting in the tail a lot.

You would not be human if you did not have those thoughts. I used mine productively to direct myself to have an ironclad NC agreement with myself. It helped. Why would I chase someone who treated me that way?

[runningup]

I think with my anxiety and depression my progress on this front is slow at best. i am appreciated the positive support thankyou.

[Infared]

I think with my anxiety and depression my progress on this front is slow at best. i am appreciated the positive support thankyou.

I identify with the anxiety and depression you are having.  Depression was always lurking in my life... .But the BPD breakup unleashed all of this anxiety along with the depression that I had not experienced before. At first I thought that I was going crazy... .I had panic attacks... .the first one I thought that I was having a heart attack or something... .I was clueless and did not know what I was going on with me.  I sought out a lot of support, a T, group T and a support group and friends.  ... .but to tell you the truth... .I was so erratic that it was a bit much for friends even. Toughest days of my life... .but there is a lot of help out there if we want to seek it. I found some amazingly helpful people in my life... .I was still in a lot of pain... .but it gave me a little hope.