Thoughts of suicide and homocide

[Vatz]

I've had my suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it all just seems so hopeless.

I do have one coping mechanism. Which so far has worked for me. But I may get some flak for it as it's rather unsavory.

See, whenever I thought of killing myself there was one thought or series of thoughts that would stop me. "If I die, they win." But it went further. I always figured, if I was gonna go-i'd take them with me. I'd take the jail time and on the day of my execution I'd shiv the guards to death, I wouldn't let them put me to sleep like some dog- I'd give the world a fight it  won't soon forget. I'd rage and take the smug look off the faces of the ___ who think they're carrying out justice. I'd replace their smug superiority with total fear before ending it all for them. Why? Because ___ it that's why, let the whole world burn.

I think sometimes that if life gets depressing and I never manage to do the things I want, there's always the option to go to some third world country and hunt down all the ___ that make life hard for everyone there. Mounting some warlord's head on my wall after torturing him as he no doubt tortured others. Something satisfying about the thought of sitting on a throne atop a mountain of skulls.

Suddenly... .I don't want to kill myself. I find my resolve and think "I'm not ready to do all those things" and then I see that things aren't all that bad. Im hurting but I'm not at the point of going out and stabbing people-im not at that point where my anger and depression is compelling me to cause harm.

I've only told my therapist about this. I'm not ashamed of my thoughts, but I guess the nature of such thoughts make me a tad nervous about sharing them. Wouldn't want to alert the "thought police."

[Skip]

Do you think this is this about powerlessness (suicide) and regaining powers (taking others out)?

[zundertowz]

Ive had many thoughts os suicide, the only reason im not dead is that its way too hard to kill yourself... .

[mitatsu]

My Ex pushed me to those thought about a month before i left i felt hopeless and helpless the woman i worshipped 'hated' me and i couldnt help her i cried at work i was lost but somehow i came back though it was actually her texts and the thought of letting her down at the time that did that (she got me with a classic push as far then become concerned routine)

little did i know the full extent of Bpd and what she was doing... .

[Vatz]

Do you think this is this about powerlessness (suicide) and regaining powers (taking others out)?

Maybe. I don't really know. It might be the reason now. But I'll say this.

If had thoughts of killing others since I was six. I was violent as a kid. I used to pick fights with some kids. The meak ones that didn't have it in them I'd always try to hurt and almost wish they'd at least put up a fight. The ones that fought back I left alone, kinda.every so often I'd play fight with them to gauge where I was in relation to them. I still always thought "there's got to be a way to get stronger and beat that kid senseless." When I'd pray to god, deep down I prayed to get stronger, so that no one could ever get in my way. Yup.

I thought of suicide the way I do now at around 10-11. One day I confided to my teacher (who was a rabbi) that I didn't think I deserve to live.he gave me an answer about how god put me here for a reason and that I have a soul and therefore was put on this earth to do good. That god had a plan. I thought... .I'm weak, I'm a coward, and no one fears me, and no one wants me. At the time there was a girl I liked and I guess deep down I knew that I barely existed. I was her brother's weird friend. I wasn't big and handsome so therefore I could never be loved, nor feared. So I figured... ."why be alive?" I'm worthless. Either god doesnt exist or he put me here to laugh at me, to watch me scurry about and mock me.

Since then... .I since then I suppose I never felt like a person. What my BPDex did to me I earned, I am weak, small and ugly. I carry bad and worthless genes-my pain is fully deserved and my life means nothing. So when I have homicidal thoughts I think... .If I mean nothing, then why the ___ should I care about some other persons suffering?

But like I've been told before... .I don't have the stones so I'll always be some stupid yapping runt.

[Vatz]

I just re-read all that and it made me kind of realize something... .

I think maybe the reason that I fell so hard for my BPD was that I suppose I really wanted to believe the things in the idealization phase. I wanted to let go of all that anger, and all those negative thoughts and I figured maybe if this person thinks I'm great, then maybe I'm not so bad. Maybe things aren't really as bad as I think. So badly I just wanted someone to actually like me, to think well of me and I wanted so badly to believe she did. That I can finally put away all that anger and maybe see a light. But how it all turned out is all too familiar.

I also feel guilty sometimes. I've probably hurt people, including those close to me. I know I wasn't exactly always as kind as I could have been to my ex. I remember that there were things I definitely did wrong. The guilt doesn't make me suicidal-but it does contribute to my negative self-talk.

My T says that my perception of things is distorted, that my view of myself and the world is not really in line with reality. But it's hard to let go of how I see things, I'm afraid that if I let go of how I view everything then, that's when I lose any sense of self-that I'll just open myself up to more hurt. At least with this, I'm on my toes-but then again I got burned either way.

I don't want to die and honestly I don't really want to hurt people. Thank g-d this isn't in front of people who can see me because I sound like a pansy. I just want to be *wanted* and loved. I want to put all this away and actually feel safe with someone. But... .then there's the fear that I'm not deserving of something like this.

[Mutt]

Did you feel like she had many of your qualities during the idealization phase?

I recall thinking she's down to earth like me, I feel like she has a lot of my qualities.

Often we repress our feelings, needs, anger because if we express a need our ex partners can become hostile and we learn to repress those feelings to keep the peace. Sometimes we act out having repressed our feelings and anger. I've acted out as well with my ex partner. I felt bad and it helps not being hard on ourselves.

[Vatz]

My qualities? Well, at first she was very physical, she was kind of aggressive, playful and kind of rough. For some reason, she liked wrestling me. Which was fun and obviously I toned it way down on my end, but kept the pace active so as not to give her the impression I'm "letting" her get anything on me. Her face would get all red and we'd hug it the ___ out afterwards. I loved dancing with her, and at first she indulged me. I tended to get sad when she wouldn't dance with me.

Basically, at the start there was a lot of physical contact and half of it being just playing around. Truth is, when I play I have a tendency to play rough. While friends liked kicking a ball around, I wanted to brawl. Nothing serious but just good fun. She would jump on me and we'd turn into a pile. I used to bench her, and she'd try to balance me on her legs, we tried doing the whole "strongman" thing together. God her legs were strong and flexible, mine are too but not like hers. If both of us actually worked out properly and regularly, we would have actually been able to do some interesting tricks. It was a hell of a thing and that's part of why I fell so hard for her. She was physical and not afraid of trying stuff out. That is until she had her seizures, when she went to the hospital during her first one I was there the entire time, I'd hold her and stroke her head. Hell, I made her smile and chuckle at a few jokes. I wasn't rescuing anyone, I just wanted this person I loved to know I was there and that it was going to be okay.

The other interesting thing about that is, I felt that since there were times she took care of me. She bailed me out of a little money issue I had once, and it wasn't that she did it. She did it eagerly and asked for nothing in return. I've done the same for friends, and tried to make her feel right at home with my family.

She also seemed the creative sort which I thoroughly enjoyed. We always talked about story ideas, we'd flesh out characters and so forth. But I think that was just a hobby of hers before she knew me. Still it was something I appreciated. We both drew and sometimes I'd do these little comics to make her laugh. I'm a novice but there were a few bits I was proud of, and sometimes I had such a blast just doing a drawing for her. I'd draw cartoony animal versions of us, and one picture I doodled while in class I was so proud of. It kind of stung when she kept this one drawing-but it was from the guy she cheated on me with. I don't really know why that actually cut so deep, his wasn't as good.

But yeah, during idealization we just went so good together that when the devaluing and triangulation happened it was so hard to let go of this one person that I felt really GOT ME. I felt so worthless. I honestly felt like I'd never meet someone who I could love so intensely, who would understand me like she did. Despite how she understood me, how much fun we had, how much I'd make her laugh-it still went the way it did. I stuck around because quite frankly where else was I gonna go?

[Mutt]

You like physical contact. you're creative and like dancing.

Do you take classes?

Martial arts is good for the mind, spirit and body. It teaches discipline.

Art classes to study and creativity.

Dancing classes for fun.

Socialize with people with similar interests.

[Grey Kitty]

I was having similar thoughts to Mutt's last post... .that physical activities like martial arts sound like a good match for you.

The physical activity and skill sounds like one of the really good things about you, Vatz. There are a lot of good ways to direct it that aren't violent and harmful.

[BorisAcusio]

What was your T's opinion?

Well, Vat. That may not resonate with you as I'm a vulnerable narcissist, fighting with slipping back to detached protector mode nowadays, which is basically a less offensive label to describe a schizoid state of mind. Regaining control over the supply you feel entitled to, secretly harboring fantasies heroic archievements, and eliminating the bad self through suicide could be all part of this. I'm not saying that you have anything that needs a label, you're just about to explore yourself, but naming the beast helped me to understand the unhealthy dynmacis between us, and recognise the triggers which cause this state.

The physical contact you mentioned sounds very familiar, we, too had playful wrestling, which is close to 40, not something you would normally expect, but I loved it.

[Vatz]

I think everyone here is on to something and it's giving me a lot of things to examine and work on.

Right this moment now I'm feeling alright as I'm not sad or anxious or angry at anything. I can look at these replies and rather than take the words and twist them to where somehow I'm left thinking negatively about myself, instead to look at it as advice and help with my personal growth.

Activities I enjoy and meet people there. Normally I'm afraid of how I'd look in front of everyone, that people will laugh at me. Not sure why. Honestly after enough tries and a class here and there it was always the opposite.

As for my thoughts of suicide as a way of removing and punishing the "bad me" that makes sense. I don't want to die, I just felt as though because I'm "bad" I shouldn't live. But I'm not all bad. No one is.

The heroic fantasies I hate admitting to. Usually when you think of a person like that, you picture some sad lonely fat delusional loser who is actually totally incapable of harming anything even if they tried, nothing ___ about them. Or at least I picture someone like that. But I see myself as that, so I'm projecting maybe?

T once told me that I project my insecurities and assume others see me a certain way. Despite what I see in the mirror, I assume that it's all just twisted perceptions of some narcissist and therefore unreal-whereas the *REAL* guy everyone else sees is quite unattractive or bland.

But where does this kind of distorted thinking begin? I'm going through my memories and actually there are a few things that come up. Where people have said hurtful things that may have made me doubt myself so much.

[sweetheart]

Hello vatz,

What kind of therapy are you in, what is the training of your T?

Look as far back as you are able to look, before adult relationships to your FOO relationships, to when you were a child. 

Your honesty and openness around these issues is very brave. What resonates for me is the vulnerability and sadness behind your anger and violent images.