Disordered Attachment

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I am wondering just who had disordered attachment in the r/s?  Me or him? 

He had many of his own troubles, to be sure, but what is up with ME (and other NONs) who couldn't let go?  Wouldn't let go?  Still won't let go?  Despite abusive, disrespectful behavior.  Despite being lied to, stolen from.  What the heck? 

I know the BPDs are confusing because of the intermittent reinforcement of fun, loving behavior.  But still.  What is up with MY sense of attachment that I hung in there with him?  How did I get so attached?  So quickly?  Why did I refuse to detach at the first sign of trouble?  Or at the 1000th sign of trouble?

I would love to say that his bad behavior started late in the game but that isn't true.  He started almost immediately.  Of course, mixed up with the most adoring, intense, loving behavior.  But the bad stuff started SOON.  Why didn't I walk then?  What about MY attachment let me get so attached to HIM?  And stay attached to him? 

I think the keys to MY kingdom are for me to figure this out.  I am not even being particularly critical of myself.  Just curious.  wanting to learn.  What in his disorder resonated so deeply and strongly with my own disordered thinking/feeling/attaching?

Time to look at my attachments.  I don't act like he did externally.  But on the inside there are some similarities.  Loving someone.  Hating someone.  Wanting to stick with it.  Wanting to end it.  Thinking he is the greatest.  Thinking he is the worst.  Kind of BPD'ish thinking though not behaving. 

This r/s and b/u is holding up a mirror for me to look at.  I want to look.  it is time to really look.  This is where the healing and liberation will be. 

I have my first appt with a new therapist next Friday.  Time to get on it. 

What say you? 

[sbr1050]

I would like the know the same  :'(

I don't meet with a therapist until may 12th.  Not sure I want to wait that long... .

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I hear you, sbr1050.  I am scheduled for next Friday but was tempted to call to see if T had any cancellations for today. I am ready to begin and bust ass with it!

[fromheeltoheal]

I know the BPDs are confusing because of the intermittent reinforcement of fun, loving behavior.  But still.  What is up with MY sense of attachment that I hung in there with him?  How did I get so attached?  So quickly?  Why did I refuse to detach at the first sign of trouble?  Or at the 1000th sign of trouble?

But the bad stuff started SOON.  Why didn't I walk then?  What about MY attachment let me get so attached to HIM?  And stay attached to him? 

What in his disorder resonated so deeply and strongly with my own disordered thinking/feeling/attaching?

Great questions!  And the only wasted pain is the pain we don't use; using the demise of the relationship as motivation to dig deep into your own stuff may just take you to places of growth you hadn't been to before and end up being the gift of the relationship.

I don't know how much you've learned about attachment theory, but the 3 main attachment styles are secure, anxious and avoidant, with a little subset call disordered, which is a combo of anxious and avoidant.  And the thing is although one style is predominant for everyone, they are not static, for example a person with an anxious style getting with someone with a secure style can make the person with the anxious style more secure.  Same goes for a disordered style, although a personality disorder is not an attachment style, and I say it's futile to try and analyze attachment styles as it applies to a relationship with a borderline, since all bets are off and it's crazymaking, as I'm sure you know.  Better to detach some, get you feet on the ground, and look at how you relate to other people in your life, and what your attachment style may be.  The needs of each style are different, and learning the theory has really helped me know what I need from people, what types of people will never give it to me, and what to ask for.  Good luck with the therapy; use it to get some great work done.  Take care of you!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thank you, fromheeltoheal (love your name).  Thanks for the great reply and the intro to attachment styles.  There is much gold for me to mine here.  Feels like I have an opportunity to make a REAL and LASTING change that will lead me to relationship success. 

Although this relationship with UxBPDbf was WAY MORE INTENSE than the other failed relationships in my life, there are some very consistent themes.  Based on what you said, I do think I have a touch of disordered attachment... .in terms of romance... .alternating btwn anxious and avoidant.  I sure would like to blame this all on him (and there is much for which he is to blame - lying, stealing, yelling, etc), but I showed up.  Again and again. 

The hell was hell but I am feeling enormously grateful for the opportunity that is now before me.

Thank you!

[Pingo]

Hi ReclaimingMyLife, what great questions to be asking yourself! Like fromheeltoheal mentioned, the pain we experienced from these BU's can be the catalyst to tremendous growth. And how great to be seeing a T! This was the crucial part of my healing.

You might want to look into and learn about the 'trauma bond' if you aren't familiar. This explains why you had such a hard time leaving the r/s when all the red flags were popping up. You mention the intermittent reinforcement of your ex. This is one of the behaviours that can create a trauma bond. If you are interested in looking further into this, there's a great book written on the subject by Patrick Carnes. Here's a review and discussion:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0

This knowledge helped me so much in letting go of the guilt of why I stayed with an abusive man and it helped me make sense of why it was so hard to leave and heal.