Feelings/Emotional changing

[Reecer1588]

Hey guys, short thread here based around how I feel.

So today is the 63rd day since last contact with my ex.

Earlier in the 63 day period I would say that my emotions cycled between your typical anger/trauma/depression... .very intense emotions of that sort.

So I don't know how else to describe what I'm feeling now, except to relate it back to how I felt when I was a gambling addict (still am one though I haven't gambled since Oct 6th.)

I feel an incredible urge to talk to my ex girlfriend. My longing for her has skyrocketed, I don't know why. I am no longer anger, sure I'm depressed but not in the same way... .I just want to talk to her, like I feel like my entire being is going to explode if I don't talk to her soon... .But the thing is that is driving me nuts is that I can't talk to her. Obviously she's not going to contact me (maybe never) either, and I certainly can not talk to her lest I face a world of pain.

Questions:

Why am I feeling this way? It's a physical urge just as much as a psychological one... .

Why is the urge to talk to her greater than ever?

Why do I want this re-engagement so much?

Why do I feel like I would throw away everything just to know if she were not happy, just to know that she even looks at my stuff or thinks about my anymore?

Is she really happy?

Is she ever coming back?

Why do I want her to come back?

Comment

Really that's how strong this urge is. It's like I need her like I needed gambling.

And I'm just super jealous of my ex. She's running around all happy, probably not a care in the world, looking to get a new boyfriend, I'm just a distant memory to her... .

I'm worried that I will never hear from her again... .I'm scared guys. I'm just so scared that I'll never even get to talk to her again.

She was once such a huge part of my life, my love, my desire, and now she might be gone for good, and it really scares me.


Anyways in conclusion my feelings/emotions have really morphed recently. I hope this makes sense to the readers out there.

[Reecer1588]

Update:

I am under a ton of stress from school work, and family issues. They probably play a big role into my overall stress. I don't want to give anyone the impression that this issue drives my entire life, it did in the past, I wouldn't say it does anymore.

Thanks y'all!

[ShadowIntheNight]

Reecer, do you have a therapist or counselor that you're seeing? There is no way any of us can answer the questions you're asking. But a counselor can allow you to vent to a realitime person who can better understand and even point you to solutions for yourself.

In the long run, it's always better to speak to someone in person than ask strangers who can only give you their experience. I know you appreciate the posters on this forum as do I. But someone with experience in dealing with relationship matters and who is trained in doing what's best for YOU, might be a better place to ask those questions.

[Reecer1588]

Reecer, do you have a therapist or counselor that you're seeing? There is no way any of us can answer the questions you're asking. But a counselor can allow you to vent to a realitime person who can better understand and even point you to solutions for yourself.

In the long run, it's always better to speak to someone in person than ask strangers who can only give you their experience. I know you appreciate the posters on this forum as do I. But someone with experience in dealing with relationship matters and who is trained in doing what's best for YOU, might be a better place to ask those questions.

I do have a school counselor, but with finals coming soon and my work load tripling, I really can not spend the time needed to go to her. And honestly, she really doesn't do it for me. She doesn't really provide me any insight. Certainly not a fraction of the insight I've been provided with from here. Yeah I'm not a big fan of hers.

In about a month I'm going back home. I have a professional therapist lined up there, one my mother trusts. Hopefully by then I won't need therapy. I guess a part of me thinks that after so much time I shouldn't need professional help.

[raisins3142]

Don't take this the wrong way because this can be seen wrong, and it is counter to much of psychology... .but this is what has helped me immensely in life:

I realized that in the grand scheme of things my emotions matter nearly nothing to the Universe.  Being happy and obsessing over my emotions is overrated.  I know that is easy to say when you are in a relatively happy place.  But here's the thing: almost by definition depression and anxiety cause a person to become self obsessed and locked into these negative emotions.  Zoom out, take a longer or broader view, see yourself in context of this planet and this cosmos, or even just the entire arc of your life and you are old and talking to yourself now.  Realize that there are so many things more important and more interesting things out there than yourself!  I'm not nearly as interesting as a black hole!  We are taught to journal our emotions, trust our emotions, almost worship them... .but really they are the worst guide for almost anything in life... .and somewhat overrated if you view things in a certain way.  Try to live in that nonemotional part of your intellect for periods during the day.  Let go.  Stop caring about how you feel.  Stop trying to notice.  :)on't take your "emotional tire pressure".  Just live.  :)o things that are good for you.  Try to help others at least a bit.  Realize the same thing about your ex.  She is a mammal that poops and will one day pass from this mortal coil and disintegrate.

This is not to say life has no meaning.  It is more freeing and better.  You decide what your life is and its meaning.  Life is a vessel into which meaning is poured, which is so much nicer than being born with that already set for us.

Be well.  Consider what I wrote, but of course discard all of it if it is not helpful to you.

Part of why I struggled to do this is that it is a more "masculine" approach.  I basically tried to become more feminine to solve my emotional issues, and it never worked for me.  Many psychologist do not want to realize that different genders or biological sexes might respond to different approaches.  Their default seems a feminine approach.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Reecer, do you have a therapist or counselor that you're seeing? There is no way any of us can answer the questions you're asking. But a counselor can allow you to vent to a realitime person who can better understand and even point you to solutions for yourself.

In the long run, it's always better to speak to someone in person than ask strangers who can only give you their experience. I know you appreciate the posters on this forum as do I. But someone with experience in dealing with relationship matters and who is trained in doing what's best for YOU, might be a better place to ask those questions.

I do have a school counselor, but with finals coming soon and my work load tripling, I really can not spend the time needed to go to her. And honestly, she really doesn't do it for me. She doesn't really provide me any insight. Certainly not a fraction of the insight I've been provided with from here. Yeah I'm not a big fan of hers.

Is she the only counselor there? You can always change. And is there a reason you don't like her? Shes probably heard it before and I'm sure it wouldn't hurt her feelings if you did tell her that. One of the processes of counseling is experimenting in doing things that you might not do "out in the world." Maybe letting her know that you don't feel like you're getting what you need from her sessions could open a whole new approach to her and others in your life. What would happen with her if you told her just what you said here?

[Reecer1588]

Reecer, do you have a therapist or counselor that you're seeing? There is no way any of us can answer the questions you're asking. But a counselor can allow you to vent to a realitime person who can better understand and even point you to solutions for yourself.

In the long run, it's always better to speak to someone in person than ask strangers who can only give you their experience. I know you appreciate the posters on this forum as do I. But someone with experience in dealing with relationship matters and who is trained in doing what's best for YOU, might be a better place to ask those questions.

I do have a school counselor, but with finals coming soon and my work load tripling, I really can not spend the time needed to go to her. And honestly, she really doesn't do it for me. She doesn't really provide me any insight. Certainly not a fraction of the insight I've been provided with from here. Yeah I'm not a big fan of hers.

Is she the only counselor there? You can always change. And is there a reason you don't like her? Shes probably heard it before and I'm sure it wouldn't hurt her feelings if you did tell her that. One of the processes of counseling is experimenting in doing things that you might not do "out in the world." Maybe letting her know that you don't feel like you're getting what you need from her sessions could open a whole new approach to her and others in your life. What would happen with her if you told her just what you said here?

I think part of it is that I just trust talking to men about these things more. It's just how it is with me. I tend to respect men more, and I tend to think that they can relate to experiences with "Crazy women" more. And I would say that it is less about her approach than it is her personal demeanor, she always seems shocked (like her facial expression) whenever I say something about the story. In fact the way she talked to me about it was like she had never heard something like it before. And she just told me all of the standard breakup procedures, and it just wasn't enough for me. I think if I ever have any hope of not desiring to re engage with my ex it'll take a radical mindset change on my part.

Really in the end it's up to me. I know that.

[cosmonaut]

You're in deep grief, Reecer, and that's perfectly natural to be feeling all of the emotions that you are: anger, fear, disbelief, despair.  You've been abandoned which adds all sorts of additional complications to the grief process.  Indeed, it produces it's own special sort of grief based in the very real trauma of abandonment.  Don't be hard with yourself that you are still feeling all of these things.  It just means that you are human.  Anyone would be devastated by what has happened to you, and most people can count their lucky stars that they have never been through what we have.  63 days is not a long time.  I am still recovering and it has been over a year.  As my T says, this is a process, not an event.  It's not going to be over in a single bound.  It will take time.  Just know that it will get easier.  This intense pain won't last forever.  When my ex left, I felt like I was going to die.  Everything felt wrong and I was in profound despair.  It seemed like the future was this all consuming void and I felt like life was colorless and cold.  I had regular panic attacks.  I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and my palms sweating.  I could barely even function.  Just trying to think was an effort.  Trying to be productive at work was a Herculean task for a while.  All I could think of was her and how I had to get her back.  I know well the fear you are describing.  I've come a long, long way since then and you will too.  Give yourself the freedom to take it at your own pace.  You WILL get there.  You will.

[Infern0]

Reecer, have you tried to better yourself?

You are a young guy,  I'm not that much older than you but a few years and I'd love to be your age again with the knowledge I now have of cluster b disorders and my own issues etc.

This isn't a bad time to think about "upgrading" yourself.

Get in the gym,  get in the best shape of your life,  overhaul your look, adress your own possible issues such as codependency etc.

People on here will probably not like what I'm about to say but it may motivate you so I'll say it anyway.

IF your ex does come back,  do you want to be better or worse than she remembered you?

If you do work on yourself she might bump into you in 6 months and think WOW Reecer sure looks good.

And hey if not it's never a bad thing to be the best version of yourself, it's how you attract the things you want in life.

Basically I'm telling you to man up and get back on the horse, you are too young to waste your life away in misery.

[Mister Brightside]

Questions:

Why am I feeling this way? It's a physical urge just as much as a psychological one... .

Why is the urge to talk to her greater than ever?

Why do I want this re-engagement so much?

Why do I feel like I would throw away everything just to know if she were not happy, just to know that she even looks at my stuff or thinks about my anymore?

Is she really happy?

Is she ever coming back?

Why do I want her to come back?

I don't know the answers to all your questions, but I can share some of my thoughts.

I think why you may be wanting to hear from her more than ever is because the longer you don't hear from her, the more reality sets in that you may never talk to her ever again. I'm only on day 22 of no contact, and I've been having some major flashbacks to things that happened (in the good times) that hadn't surfaced my memory in the first three weeks of no contact.

But your desire to hear from her won't escalate forever. At some point it will dissipate. The memories will become hazier and hazier as time passes. Your conscience will become more used to and less reactive to triggers. You will meet other girls who will catch your eye. We all have oneitis (being focused on one individual) since the relationship was so intense (highs and lows), and it feels like nobody will ever be able to give us the highs that borderlines can. Like I said, that addiction will slowly wear off, and we won't need intensity, and healthy women who respect our flaws on a consistent basis will be a lot better than a roller coaster ride.

If she has BPD, she may be happy. And if she's happy, she's really happy. But, as you know, they think in black and white, so when she's not happy, she's really not happy. And even when she is happy, she's probably got plenty of fears in the back of her mind if whomever she's with isn't giving her attention every time she wants it.

You want her to come back because it was real for us. Our feelings are genuine, and I think one of the most difficult things in moving on is enforcing in our minds that we are just objects to them. They are called crazy makers for a reason (they have brains that we cannot comprehend).

Lastly, I think codependents have a tendency to think in black and white, just as borderlines do. The problem is, unlike borderlines, we blame ourselves for things and forgive others way too easily. For pete's sake, she was having sex with a married guy after she discarded me, and I still thought about forgiving her and taking her back if she came back. That's not healthy. Any healthy individual would tell her to get lost and not look back. But with my black and white thinking, I often have to remind myself how unhealthy she is.

[Mutt]

In about a month I'm going back home. I have a professional therapist lined up there, one my mother trusts. Hopefully by then I won't need therapy. I guess a part of me thinks that after so much time I shouldn't need professional help.

Can you call your T and make a phone appointment?

A T and the boards really help Reecer1588.

I went to a P followed by a T post break-up.

I make the call to my T when I feel I need to talk to him. I called him a couple of months ago because I was struggling with the news that my ex was pregnant.

It helps to talk to a T.