what does this mean in the BPD brain ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I asked for us to stay friends I never asked to meet .


"I don't think its a good idea if we meet too soon for both of us sorry"

[dobie]

I asked for us to stay friends I never asked to meet .


"I don't think its a good idea if we meet too soon for both of us sorry"

[cosmonaut]

"You are a trigger for me now.  The very thought of you is painful for me and I am feeling deep shame about how broken I am.  Seeing you would be more than I could bare."

[dobie]

"You are a trigger for me now.  The very thought of you is painful for me and I am feeling deep shame about how broken I am.  Seeing you would be more than I could bare."

Or perhaps because she still loves me or am I delusional ?

Few months into the BU she wanted to stay friends why the change ?

[valet]

"I haven't found a great replacement."

[dobie]

"I haven't found a great replacement."

She told my bro she was single (whatever that means) and that she would find it hard to meet someone with a mind like mine that matches her on an Intelectual level so possible

[valet]

"You are a trigger for me now.  The very thought of you is painful for me and I am feeling deep shame about how broken I am.  Seeing you would be more than I could bare."

Or perhaps because she still loves me or am I delusional ?

Few months into the BU she wanted to stay friends why the change ?

Of course she still loves you, but not in a way that we can comprehend. She still needs you, in short, even it is just the idea in her head that you are alive and exist on this earth. The unfortunate truth (for her, more so), is that she probably has a replacement and needs you slightly less, despite what she tells your brother. Lies are very easy to tell, especially for someone that can easily twist reality in their own minds. That doesn't mean when their relationship ends (because it will) she won't come back to you, looking for some kind of emotional comfort. Maybe I'm making a leap in judgement here, but this is a situation that you do need to prepare for. It will happen.

One of my uBPDex's boyfriends from high school died while we were together and it sent her into a deep grief spiral. He had finally abandoned her. She even refused to accept the circumstances of his death, which kind of mystified me at the time. The facts are the facts. Obvious details usually coincide with truth.

[cosmonaut]

Or perhaps because she still loves me or am I delusional ?

Few months into the BU she wanted to stay friends why the change ?

It's entirely possible that she still loves you.  Without emotional intimacy she wouldn't be triggered.  It was because she loved you that she was triggered at all.

She probably did want to remain friends, because the loss of you is agonizing for her, but she also can't stand to think of you or be reminded of you because that hurts too.  She doesn't know what she wants, because her disorder wants contradictory things.  Many pwBPD have very little ability to be friends with anyone they become emotionally close with, since that is triggering for them.  Friendship is often only possible in the most superficial terms where there is no emotional engagement.

[dobie]

"You are a trigger for me now.  The very thought of you is painful for me and I am feeling deep shame about how broken I am.  Seeing you would be more than I could bare."

Or perhaps because she still loves me or am I delusional ?

Few months into the BU she wanted to stay friends why the change ?

Of course she still loves you, but not in a way that we can comprehend. She still needs you, in short, even it is just the idea in her head that you are alive and exist on this earth. The unfortunate truth (for her, more so), is that she probably has a replacement and needs you slightly less, despite what she tells your brother. Lies are very easy to tell, especially for someone that can easily twist reality in their own minds. That doesn't mean when their relationship ends (because it will) she won't come back to you, looking for some kind of emotional comfort. Maybe I'm making a leap in judgement here, but this is a situation that you do need to prepare for. It will happen.

One of my uBPDex's boyfriends from high school died while we were together and it sent her into a deep grief spiral. He had finally abandoned her. She even refused to accept the circumstances of his death, which kind of mystified me at the time. The facts are the facts. Obvious details usually coincide with truth.

She has never gone back to an x AFAIK but then I was her longest and most serious r/s  she is high functioning with traits so not a classic BPDer

[dobie]

Or perhaps because she still loves me or am I delusional ?

Few months into the BU she wanted to stay friends why the change ?

It's entirely possible that she still loves you.  Without emotional intimacy she wouldn't be triggered.  It was because she loved you that she was triggered at all.

She probably did want to remain friends, because the loss of you is agonizing for her, but she also can't stand to think of you or be reminded of you because that hurts too.  She doesn't know what she wants, because her disorder wants contradictory things.  Many pwBPD have very little ability to be friends with anyone they become emotionally close with, since that is triggering for them.  Friendship is often only possible in the most superficial terms where there is no emotional engagement.

She told me she had not  been in love with  me for a year before the BU but still loved me and we were friends and she was scared to leave she was hoping things would get better

As soon as she got a new supply friends maybe a new guy she left

My point being I'm inclined to believe she does not love me however weeks before the BU she told me she "would kill herself" if anything happened to me so go figure

After the BU she laughed and said she was just being "dramatic"

[valet]

"You are a trigger for me now.  The very thought of you is painful for me and I am feeling deep shame about how broken I am.  Seeing you would be more than I could bare."

Or perhaps because she still loves me or am I delusional ?

Few months into the BU she wanted to stay friends why the change ?

Of course she still loves you, but not in a way that we can comprehend. She still needs you, in short, even it is just the idea in her head that you are alive and exist on this earth. The unfortunate truth (for her, more so), is that she probably has a replacement and needs you slightly less, despite what she tells your brother. Lies are very easy to tell, especially for someone that can easily twist reality in their own minds. That doesn't mean when their relationship ends (because it will) she won't come back to you, looking for some kind of emotional comfort. Maybe I'm making a leap in judgement here, but this is a situation that you do need to prepare for. It will happen.

One of my uBPDex's boyfriends from high school died while we were together and it sent her into a deep grief spiral. He had finally abandoned her. She even refused to accept the circumstances of his death, which kind of mystified me at the time. The facts are the facts. Obvious details usually coincide with truth.

She has never gone back to an x AFAIK but then I was her longest and most serious r/s  she is high functioning with traits so not a classic BPDer

Yeah, same here. Very high functioning and would appear normal to someone without a trained eye. A lot of my closest friends have told me in hindsight that they did think something was off with her, and that they didn't want to give me their opinions because they thought that it would have been disrespectful. I did too, I just got caught in the trap and didn't follow my intuition.

I don't mean to say that she wants you back in a relationship sense (there is really no knowing this), just that the odds say that she will want to try and reengage on some kind of level, be it friendship or just keeping in touch in a friendly way. Keeping in touch doesn't work, however, because their self-image associated needs are constantly fluctuating.

[dobie]

Yes a lot of people said she seems "off in some way" I felt it too but ignored


She told me I would meet a girl who loves me and makes me happy so I think her feeling romantic love is deff dead

[Blimblam]

I asked for us to stay friends I never asked to meet .


"I don't think its a good idea if we meet too soon for both of us sorry"

It means what it says!

What I am seeing here is how I felt for a while which is very confused!  I highly suggest picking up some of the books from the suggested readings book list and reading them.  On this site in the forums you will find a lot of people in the same boat which is confusion and trying to make sense of it. Along the journey to understanding we understand it from where we are at in ourselves at te time.  Even the author of books have more to learn.  There are many different ways to frame it then there is the thing as it is.

It seems to me you still want her in your life there's nothikg wrong with that!  The thing is if she's in your life and causing you this kuh confusion then you have to process all of that yourself we car so that for you and neither can she. What helps is to see the process of the BPD mind modeled by different schools of thought and then come to your own understanding.  Also learning deeply about the defence mechenisms being utilized within a few different psychological models. Even after all that you have to process and integrate that knowledge within your own expereince.  

All of that does take time and it's probably not a good idea for you or her to see each other while you are working through that.

[enlighten me]

As with anything a pwBPD says who can really say.

My take on it is that we are like toys to a child . They might not want to play with us anymore but want to know we are still in the toy cupboard. Hence the lets stay friends.

As for the not seeing you at the moment it could be guilt, it could be they just dont want you around as it would interfere with what they are doing. They might not want you around as even though your no longer together they dont want you knowing about the replacement in the vain attemt to have you not feel anything negative about them. My exgf has been with my replacement since at least september and has never mentioned him to me or posted anything about him on fb. I have a fair bit of contact as we have a son together.

[dobie]

I want her back that's the truth

I just know she would not let me

[Mutt]

Hi dobie,

I think it's good being honest.

I also think it's important understanding the dynamics of a r/s with a PwBPD and what role you play.

She needs someone so she can emotionally cope with a world she finds scary; and project her negative feelings about herself on someone else.

What is it about her that you want your ex back?

[Blimblam]

I want her back that's the truth

I just know she would not let me

So your undecided?

[Blimblam]

But dude. I'll call you dude because my autocorrect doesn't like your name. 

To answer your original question what she wrote probably means something like she doesn't need you right now because she has someone else to fill those roles for her and you continue to remind her of the issue but your persistence ensures to her you remain their for when she one day does need you to fill one of these roles for her. 

[dobie]

Hi dobie,

I think it's good being honest.

I also think it's important understanding the dynamics of a r/s with a PwBPD and what role you play.

She needs someone so she can emotionally cope with a world she finds scary; and project her negative feelings about herself on someone else.

What is it about her that you want your ex back?

Thanks mutt I never knew that about the disorder or what they need to do .

I just love her mutt I don't know or can't quantify it I've searched for answers I've rationalised it deconstructed it looked at myself coldy and pragmatically listed possible reason  but at the end of the day it just comes down to "the heart wanting what it wants"

[dobie]

I want her back that's the truth

I just know she would not let me

So your undecided?

I always wanted her but I don't have a choice blimblam she left me , she told me she has not "been in love with me for a year" but "loves me"

[4Years5Months]

Dobie, your situation seems to be very similar to mine.  I have noticed several topics from you on this board that shows your continued struggle with your ex.  I too have spent a lot of time trying to figure out the “why” in my ex’s behavior, both with her most recent breakup/replacement of me as well as two others within the last two years.  I’ve realized that I’ll never fully understand, because her behavior is based upon what she needs at that exact moment.

She also refused my friendship about a month ago, saying we couldn’t be friends “right now” and “currently” didn’t want me to communicate with her.  She ended the conversation telling me that she can’t imagine not being friends.  She used “we” and “us” a lot, but I realize now it was HER that needed the space.  Your ex is asking for the same.  I should mention that three days after that above conversation with my ex, she went public on Facebook with my replacement.

Few months into the BU she wanted to stay friends why the change ?

Because at that moment, she couldn’t see or talk to you.  You are a trigger to her right now, as several people have said.  You could send her a different bouquet of flowers every single day, and it wouldn’t make a difference.


She told my bro she was single (whatever that means) and that she would find it hard to meet someone with a mind like mine that matches her on an Intelectual level so possible

My ex repeatedly told me that I would be the best and most loyal boyfriend she would ever have, and that she would never NOT love me.  She still replaced me.


Friendship is often only possible in the most superficial terms where there is no emotional engagement.

Cosmonaut makes a great point here.  Think of your ex’s friends.  How many of them are legitimately close to her?  And how many are casual friends that she occasionally sees?  My ex would cycle through groups of friends.  All of her current friends, including my replacement, are co-workers she wanted nothing to do with four months ago.  She talked daily about quitting her job and not caring if she saw any of them again.  Now she hangs out with them every day.  They are her new identity.  But eventually, she will cycle out of those friendships for new ones.  I’ve seen it happen several times.  She did the same thing with co-workers at another job two years ago.  Other than Facebook (which is the most superficial way to have friends) she hasn’t talked to or seen them since she quit.

I was her longest and most serious r/s  she is high functioning with traits so not a classic BPDer

Same with my ex.  5 years (not counting breakups) and I was her first adult boyfriend and sexual partner.  She is a “quiet” or “waif” BPDer, and rarely lashed out, and was never violent.  But she still has the characteristics.  She’s also high functioning and puts of an incredible personality, until you get close to her.

As soon as she got a new supply friends maybe a new guy she left

See above about my ex’s co-workers.  A BPDer can flip an opinion of someone on a dime.  Again, it’s whatever fills the tremendous pain and void in her life at that exact moment.

Yes a lot of people said she seems "off in some way" I felt it too but ignored

I’ve heard several similar points from mutual friends since I went public on Facebook with what I dealt with for five years.  I did so because my ex was plastering my replacement all over her profile like she was incredibly happy.  We aren’t friends on there anymore, so she never saw what I posted, but I heard from several people that they can tell there is something odd going on with her, and with us.  Seldom do you see “real” opinions on Facebook, which is why a BPDer usually overuses it – they can control their identity on there.  But in real life, it’s a different story.



She told me I would meet a girl who loves me and makes me happy so I think her feeling romantic love is deff dead

This is brushing their actions under the rug.  Oh, you’ll just meet another girl and be happy with her.  It’s also devaluing themselves.  They always fear this happening anyway.  My ex dumped one of my replacements to come back to me after he spent $200 on concerts tickets to take her.  She likely felt engulfed, but I was also willing to take her back.  She said “he can still take someone else, so it’s okay.”  She never accepted responsibility.  There was always an alternative answer.  Your ex is doing the same thing – as if you can just go find any girl and marry her tomorrow.  It really shows how low her self worth is if she can’t see what you invested in her – that you are just going to find someone else and forget about her.

[dobie]

Thanks very much for the detailed reply 4 years , so what's the solution just leave her be till she decides if and when she wants to make contact ?

Maybe I should say


" I'm sorry I contacted you I know if you want to find me or speak to me you will I'm here if you need me anytime "

And just leave her I want her back  :'(

[4Years5Months]

Dobie, if she has set pretty firm boundaries and told you she doesn't want to be friends right now, then you should respect that.  If she has also told you to NOT contact her, you should respect that as well.  She still cares about you and loves you, but her disorder is pushing you away.  And she can't tell, because her subconscious is making her believe these irregular thoughts are the absolute truth.  I'm sure you feel like contacting her, but will it push her even further away?  Remember, you are a trigger for her right now, so expect a negative reaction to anything you say to her. 

If you see an opportunity to make one final attempt, simply tell her that you understand her request and you will leave her alone.  I wouldn't tell her that SHE can contact YOU, because that gives her the control to do so.  Then you will be waiting for that contact.  The best way for her to realize whether or not she wants you in her life is to not have you in it.  Then she will have to focus solely on whatever she currently has (replacement?) without you as a safety net.  It's very possible she will adjust her thoughts to you being gone from her life - this is likely because she isn't going to stop and analyze her behavior.  Be prepared to never hear from her again.

If she does try to reach out to you in the future, expect it to be in an indirect way to get her foot back in the door, so to speak.  She won't text "I MISS YOU" out of the blue.  She will test the waters first.  My ex hasn't tried to contact me since I went NC, but she will like comments I leave on mutual friends' Facebook statuses.  For her to even acknowledge me in that way is huge, so I wonder what is going on with my replacement to make her do that.

Which leads me to this... .if you have been monitoring her online presence, STOP.  I know this is hard, but not looking at my ex's Facebook for the past week has improved my recovery greatly.  I couldn't see anything anyway, but even seeing that she uploaded a photo ("Updated 15 minutes ago" was a trigger.  She is going to live her life with this new guy, and I know it will be rocky, both because of who he is and her own BPD demons.  Stay away!

It's perfectly normal to think of her.  I think of my ex every day.  I dreamed about her last night and spent most of today in a funk.  But that will happen.

The best advice I can give you is stop contacting her, leave her alone (both in real life and online) and focus on things for YOURSELF.  I've heard that many times on here and it has been hard to make that transition because I did so much with her.  But creating new experiences and memories that are 100% yours will help you.  I promise.  You can't control her.  The best thing you can do is leave her alone and let her make her own decisions.  If that doesn't include you, then she isn't worth being in your life.

[dobie]

Thanks four years she never said NOT to contact her though she said i could email when my bro asked for me .


I think what is annoying me is that I never really told her how much I miss her and how much she means to me if I did it was in between drunken texts where I was raging at her for how she BU (she then blocked me on her phone & wassapp)

I'm dying to tell her after six months I'm still very much in love with her apart from that two line poem I sent her which she responded to .

[Maternus]

I'm dying to tell her after six months I'm still very much in love with her apart from that two line poem I sent her which she responded to .

She was an important person in your life and you still love her. There's nothing wrong about that. But it seems to me that she still has power over you, you are still in the FOG. You focus on her, not on yourself. There must be something very beautiful in you - and you saw it, she mirrored it.

[dobie]

I'm dying to tell her after six months I'm still very much in love with her apart from that two line poem I sent her which she responded to .

She was an important person in your life and you still love her. There's nothing wrong about that. But it seems to me that she still has power over you, you are still in the FOG. You focus on her, not on yourself. There is something very beautiful in you - and you saw it, she mirrored it.

Thank you Maternus that's a beautiful sentiment 

[AwakenedOne]

"My point being I'm inclined to believe she does not love me however weeks before the BU she told me she "would kill herself" if anything happened to me so go figure."

"After the BU she laughed and said she was just being "dramatic"."

"She told my bro she was single (whatever that means) and that she would find it hard to meet someone with a mind like mine that matches her on an Intelectual level so possible."

Everyone is different here, but in general I think the way to recover from a BPD relationship is to face some cold hard "facts". There is no way to prove what was real or a lie. Every word they have said to us should be thrown out the window. Those words keep us stuck and tortured.

6) Clinging to the words that were said: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm   

"I'm dying to tell her after six months I'm still very much in love with her apart from that two line poem I sent her which she responded to."

I would imagine that she knows that you love her. Thing is though, we can't make them love us back in any normal way. I tried for 4 years with my BPD wife.

[dobie]

Well I'm in a tail spin I'm still not sure if she has BPD traits or is just emotionally immature and all the rest paranoid , dysryhthmic , anxious etc


Anyway I said we didn't have to meet yet but I would email which is what I have been doing so never said not to but she is not replying .

Why can't I stop thinking about this damm woman its been 7 months ffs !

Why can't I let go !

I think part of it is how she blindsided me for a year than broke up like I meant as little as gum on her shoe while I thought we were going to buy a house and get married

There were so many signs and things she said  I missed in the r/s I had my head in the sand

Feel rubbish every damm day

[Plonko]

"You are a trigger for me now.  The very thought of you is painful for me and I am feeling deep shame about how broken I am.  Seeing you would be more than I could bare."

Having had a very similar experience with my ex, I have to totally agree with this.

[dobie]

"You are a trigger for me now.  The very thought of you is painful for me and I am feeling deep shame about how broken I am.  Seeing you would be more than I could bare."

Having had a very similar experience with my ex, I have to totally agree with this.

It also likely means I don't give a hoot .

[dobie]

It also contradicts what she said early on in the BU and a few months after

"When your feeling better  let's meet for a coffee and stay friends "