Did trauma from your ex w BPD affect your next relationship?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hubs and I are on the rocks. We communicate really well until I ask for more connection when life gets crazy. No matter how I ask, he feels I'm painting him black. He says and does things I feel are meant for her (uBPDew). It's almost like PTSD. Trying to get us in counseling. I just wanted to see if it's possible. I can't find any articles. Basically, no matter how loving I make a request, it devolves into a fight because he feels I'm not giving him credit for all that he does. I used to be able to stay calm. But the things he says and does is pushing my buttons. Am I crazy? He certainly does not have BPD. This is so frustrating.

[Crayfog]

Hubs and I are on the rocks. We communicate really well until I ask for more connection when life gets crazy. No matter how I ask, he feels I'm painting him black. He says and does things I feel are meant for her (uBPDew). It's almost like PTSD. Trying to get us in counseling. I just wanted to see if it's possible. I can't find any articles. Basically, no matter how loving I make a request, it devolves into a fight because he feels I'm not giving him credit for all that he does. I used to be able to stay calm. But the things he says and does is pushing my buttons. Am I crazy? He certainly does not have BPD. This is so frustrating.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I have stopped dating a few times because I felt baggage from my BPD r/s rearing it's ugly head.  I wasn't even married either, just lived with a dBPDexgf for two years.  I will likely remain single for a good while (a year or more) because I feel it is unethical for me to enter into a r/s until I get all the toxicity out of my head and heart.  The trauma from being involved with a pwBPD can cause PTSD / CPTSD.

[Crayfog]

That's very thoughtful and mature of you! I imagine dating feels only like a minefield.

He didn't even know about BPD until I was telling my psychiatrist and therapist that I felt like I was dying from his ex's stress. I have BPD in my family and former family so I'm familiar. They said yes without question. He didn't date for a long timed but he never got help for the BPD trauma.

I just thought I was going crazy when stuff would come up and he would think I was manipulating (by stating a request or boundary, no matter how gently), or painting him black or white, or trying to break him down when I asked for quality time together. A few times I wondered if he had BPD, but he doesn't have the markers. It's only when he feels I'm critical of him. Trigger.

I wish you luck when you do start dating. You're putting in the work and that counts for so much.

[hope2727]

No relationship yet but dating a bit here and there. Its nice to meet new people. I would say the trauma is affecting every part of my life in truth. This includes dating. One guy tried to kiss me at the door and I burst into tears. It was hilarious in retrospect. At the time it was visceral and humiliating. He was wonderful about it. He was such a nice person. Oh well onward ho. Perhaps at least it will be a good story for both of us to tell.

[Suzn]

Hi Crayfog

I'm sorry you're going through all of this with your husband. It can be frustrating dealing with everyday stresses if our SO has some fleas from an exwBPD. Some behaviors/reactions may be of his own.

There are excellent lessons on the Staying board in regards to communication skills and they work very well with anyone, not just a pwBPD. I use a lot of these often with friends and coworkers. Check them out here:

Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships

[Turkish]

Crayfog,

You've been through a lot dealing with your husband's uBPDx. You were strong enough to reach out here for support with that. That you have other pwBPD in your life is certainly triggering. Though your H isn't BPD, it's likely he has fleas from his exW as Suzn suggested. It seems like you and he might be triggering each other due to traumas that don't have roots in your r/s specifically.

Have you thought about posting to Staying? The validation tools can work on anyone (I use them with my kids  and going through the lessons there may help give some focus to you (for you) as well.