First post

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am in a great deal of suffering because once again I have been abandoned by my partner with BPD. I fully have my heart to them, because at one point they had given their heart to me. As circumstances arose my partner's BPD became into existence, or rather his symptoms became active. I understand that he abandons me because he cannot deal with the pain that he feels that my very existence now triggers. He made a lot of mistakes with me, cheated, lied, became a bad person and did bad things. I guess I stayed because underneath all his actions I saw a hurt child within that needed love like the rest of us. Besides my emotional attachment to him, I really do admire so many other things about him that I rarely find in others. We still talk and see each other and when we both simply live in the moment, we get along like best friends. We operate the same way, we share the same humor, thought, and curiously for experiencing life. I do with all my heart want to be with this person. However I know that they are continuously hurting me. My boyfriend or ex rather instead of dealing with the pain of our relationship has invested himself in other areas of life, his work and his friends. I however, can't ignore the pain of someone carelessly detaching from me when I have given everything and more to them. I know I can't fix my partner. And he is semi-aware that there is something wrong with him, he's been told before he may have BPD. I want more than anything for myself to feel whole. But I have given so much of myself away to him, it's hard to imagine life without him. I know I should let go. But I don't want to for so many reasons. There was a time when my partner had the ability to see clearly, to be accountable, to empathize. He will never change if he chooses not to. And he will never choose to if he is not forced. No matter how much he "loves" or "loved" me. My very trying to help, further ignites his defense mechanisms. Is he a lost cause? Are there stories of people with BPD finding the light, the awareness, the presence within needed to conquer their sickness?

[Aanderson1423]

I am in a great deal of suffering because once again I have been abandoned by my partner with BPD. I fully have my heart to them, because at one point they had given their heart to me. As circumstances arose my partner's BPD became into existence, or rather his symptoms became active. I understand that he abandons me because he cannot deal with the pain that he feels that my very existence now triggers. He made a lot of mistakes with me, cheated, lied, became a bad person and did bad things. I guess I stayed because underneath all his actions I saw a hurt child within that needed love like the rest of us. Besides my emotional attachment to him, I really do admire so many other things about him that I rarely find in others. We still talk and see each other and when we both simply live in the moment, we get along like best friends. We operate the same way, we share the same humor, thought, and curiously for experiencing life. I do with all my heart want to be with this person. However I know that they are continuously hurting me. My boyfriend or ex rather instead of dealing with the pain of our relationship has invested himself in other areas of life, his work and his friends. I however, can't ignore the pain of someone carelessly detaching from me when I have given everything and more to them. I know I can't fix my partner. And he is semi-aware that there is something wrong with him, he's been told before he may have BPD. I want more than anything for myself to feel whole. But I have given so much of myself away to him, it's hard to imagine life without him. I know I should let go. But I don't want to for so many reasons. There was a time when my partner had the ability to see clearly, to be accountable, to empathize. He will never change if he chooses not to. And he will never choose to if he is not forced. No matter how much he "loves" or "loved" me. My very trying to help, further ignites his defense mechanisms. Is he a lost cause? Are there stories of people with BPD finding the light, the awareness, the presence within needed to conquer their sickness?

[dagwoodbowser]

Goodmorning Aanderson1423. I can totally relate to your experience and understand what you're likely feeling and experiencing. I think many other's on this forum have asked your same questions. I found this place about a month ago and it has been a great blessing. You may want to read many of the postings and resources here. I think you will find that your situation while unique to you and your partner has a very similar tone to it. I wish you the best of luck and hope you will find the right direction for yourself.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Welcome,  Anderson!   I have only been here abt 10 days myself so cannot do your questions justice,  but I am glad to have found this awesome site and am glad you have too!

[Turkish]

Aanderson1423,

It's tough, even hurtful, when people we love and care about are suffering. When they may be given a clear direction, like a suggestive Dx of BPD, it might be natural to think, "there, you have a direction, follow that path!" Unfortunately, it's only a path they can decide to follow themselves, as you seem to realize. We have an article here which talks about the difficulties in this situation:

Article 6: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment

That you remain friends with him, while still having romantic feelings is remarkable, and demonstrates a lot of strength on your part.

Given that you may never be romantically involved again, do you desire to remain friends? I ask this question assuming the possibility that he may never seek help or change.

[Mutt]

Hi Aanderson1523,



I'm sorry to hear that. It's frustrating, painful and confusing when you try harder to make things work and your blamed for the all of the problems in the r/s and your abandoned

however, can't ignore the pain of someone carelessly detaching from me when I have given everything and more to them.

That's tough when your partner is detaching.

Did he project his detachment on you and became indifferent?

It helps to talk.