Getting over ex lover with BPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Good afternoon,

                       Last September I met a woman whilst out on a fancy dress evening with my friends, unfortunately I am in a relationship with my partner of 8 years, but started up a love affair with OW, I know I've done wrong, and feel really guilty about what I've created, but do not shy away from the responsibility that it was my fault.

OW is Married with two children, and lives a good life. She has been married for 18 years, and is now 41. I have been Married before with children, and got divorced 9 years ago, and are 38.

The night I met OW I was really quite intoxicated on alcohol, whilst she was driving, and not drinking. I was amazed at how forward she was at the time, and exchanged numbers at the end of the night after being all over each other.

I met up a couple of days later with her, and was overwhelmed by her adoration, and idolisation of me, I could just see it in her eyes, which just seemed to be glazed and dilated.

The sex we had was amazing over the next few weeks, and caused me to be very risky, as she would want to meet up all the time, and the greater the risk for her the better. I even went down to her house one day, which i was not at all comfortable with, where she reviled in it.

We carried on for 6 weeks, even going to a hotel for the night. I got caught out on some texts from AP by my partner, and I told her i was just texting somebody, (wrong and dishonest I know).

AP had been away on holiday for ten days, but we text and called all the time, even to the point that she would get anxious to the point where i had 40 messages from her when i was working in an area with no signal!

When she got back I couldn't take anymore of the cheating and lying, so I had to call it off with AP. We called it off on 31st October last year. The next day however I had call after call all day long. I was out with my partner shopping, and had to put phone on silent. I went to answer in the toilet only to find AP going mad at me, totally furious about it all! I asked if she would tell my partner about us and she said she doesn't know what she was going to do!

I was now petrified at this, and decided to tell her myself. My partner and I worked through it, and I had to tell AP the next day. She went mad, and threatened to tell my partner everything, and even tried calling her over and over. I had to cut her off at that point.

A week later i start getting messages from her asking if I'm ok, so I end up speaking with her.

The conversations always started off calm and sweet, because she had a really soft voice, but it wasn't long before this dominant voice came out making me question my life over and over, making me feel so bad about leaving her. She was convinced it would work out between us, even to the point that she just wasn't listening, how many times i told her it wouldn't work!

The affair lasted 6 weeks, but the phycological damage done to me was over the next 6 weeks with the push pull kind of relationship that evolved, even though the sexual affair had ended!

She kept on chipping away at my emotions, until I said (after lots of pushing) that I would meet her to say goodbye. We ended up saying goodbye over 3 meetings, but unknown to me she had told my partner that we had met up, and had sex when i hadn't at all.

The anxiety it created for me when i saw her calling was overwhelming, but i found myself in this push pull kind of emotional ride, as when i cut it off i found myself crying all the time, and missing her, so gave in again to talk to her.

It got so bad that I woke up one morning and burst into tears. My partner was slowly cutting herself off from me, and i knew i couldn't allow that to happen, so i said enough is enough.

AP called again after ending it the night before where i nearly left my partner for her, but brought courage into it and said to AP it was over. She called on the Friday and i asked her why she was calling, and she sounded like we hadn't even mentioned about not speaking anymore.

The conversation was just going around in circles (yet again), and it was starting to get nasty, so i hung up the phone, and didn't speak to her again.

I had call after call, after message from her. When i didn't get back to her she tried to get me in trouble at work, and have me fired. I managed to sort that out, and vowed never to talk to her again.

I had to get the Police involved, not to get her in trouble, but to log the incident. I asked if they could speak to her via phone when her Husband was at work, so they did. I didn't get anymore calls then, but then I started to go through cold turkey from her, the emotional pain was so unbearable, i would cry so bad out on my own that i would have black eyes, i felt like i missed her so much.

I was in my local town in January, an she came up to me and said I had hurt her. She had hurt me so bad by telling my partner what we got up to sexually, and how could she trust a man that loves another woman, even making up false scenarios!

My partner saw her talking to me, and went after her, i had to hold her back. Nothing happened, and it was all on CCTV. AP then tried to have my partner prosecuted for assault, when nothing happened. Luckily my partner is smart, and had kept a log of all that had gone on with dates and times, and kept all messages from between them. The Police dropped it all, and turned their attention to her wasting Police time.

I have never ever felt so empty and broken over one woman, that didn't even last that long, how must her Husband cope with that, as we didn't even tell him about the affair, even after all she put us through. Revenge is not the answer.

[lonelyman1977]

Good afternoon,

                       Last September I met a woman whilst out on a fancy dress evening with my friends, unfortunately I am in a relationship with my partner of 8 years, but started up a love affair with OW, I know I've done wrong, and feel really guilty about what I've created, but do not shy away from the responsibility that it was my fault.

OW is Married with two children, and lives a good life. She has been married for 18 years, and is now 41. I have been Married before with children, and got divorced 9 years ago, and are 38.

The night I met OW I was really quite intoxicated on alcohol, whilst she was driving, and not drinking. I was amazed at how forward she was at the time, and exchanged numbers at the end of the night after being all over each other.

I met up a couple of days later with her, and was overwhelmed by her adoration, and idolisation of me, I could just see it in her eyes, which just seemed to be glazed and dilated.

The sex we had was amazing over the next few weeks, and caused me to be very risky, as she would want to meet up all the time, and the greater the risk for her the better. I even went down to her house one day, which i was not at all comfortable with, where she reviled in it.

We carried on for 6 weeks, even going to a hotel for the night. I got caught out on some texts from AP by my partner, and I told her i was just texting somebody, (wrong and dishonest I know).

AP had been away on holiday for ten days, but we text and called all the time, even to the point that she would get anxious to the point where i had 40 messages from her when i was working in an area with no signal!

When she got back I couldn't take anymore of the cheating and lying, so I had to call it off with AP. We called it off on 31st October last year. The next day however I had call after call all day long. I was out with my partner shopping, and had to put phone on silent. I went to answer in the toilet only to find AP going mad at me, totally furious about it all! I asked if she would tell my partner about us and she said she doesn't know what she was going to do!

I was now petrified at this, and decided to tell her myself. My partner and I worked through it, and I had to tell AP the next day. She went mad, and threatened to tell my partner everything, and even tried calling her over and over. I had to cut her off at that point.

A week later i start getting messages from her asking if I'm ok, so I end up speaking with her.

The conversations always started off calm and sweet, because she had a really soft voice, but it wasn't long before this dominant voice came out making me question my life over and over, making me feel so bad about leaving her. She was convinced it would work out between us, even to the point that she just wasn't listening, how many times i told her it wouldn't work!

The affair lasted 6 weeks, but the phycological damage done to me was over the next 6 weeks with the push pull kind of relationship that evolved, even though the sexual affair had ended!

She kept on chipping away at my emotions, until I said (after lots of pushing) that I would meet her to say goodbye. We ended up saying goodbye over 3 meetings, but unknown to me she had told my partner that we had met up, and had sex when i hadn't at all.

The anxiety it created for me when i saw her calling was overwhelming, but i found myself in this push pull kind of emotional ride, as when i cut it off i found myself crying all the time, and missing her, so gave in again to talk to her.

It got so bad that I woke up one morning and burst into tears. My partner was slowly cutting herself off from me, and i knew i couldn't allow that to happen, so i said enough is enough.

AP called again after ending it the night before where i nearly left my partner for her, but brought courage into it and said to AP it was over. She called on the Friday and i asked her why she was calling, and she sounded like we hadn't even mentioned about not speaking anymore.

The conversation was just going around in circles (yet again), and it was starting to get nasty, so i hung up the phone, and didn't speak to her again.

I had call after call, after message from her. When i didn't get back to her she tried to get me in trouble at work, and have me fired. I managed to sort that out, and vowed never to talk to her again.

I had to get the Police involved, not to get her in trouble, but to log the incident. I asked if they could speak to her via phone when her Husband was at work, so they did. I didn't get anymore calls then, but then I started to go through cold turkey from her, the emotional pain was so unbearable, i would cry so bad out on my own that i would have black eyes, i felt like i missed her so much.

I was in my local town in January, an she came up to me and said I had hurt her. She had hurt me so bad by telling my partner what we got up to sexually, and how could she trust a man that loves another woman, even making up false scenarios!

My partner saw her talking to me, and went after her, i had to hold her back. Nothing happened, and it was all on CCTV. AP then tried to have my partner prosecuted for assault, when nothing happened. Luckily my partner is smart, and had kept a log of all that had gone on with dates and times, and kept all messages from between them. The Police dropped it all, and turned their attention to her wasting Police time.

I have never ever felt so empty and broken over one woman, that didn't even last that long, how must her Husband cope with that, as we didn't even tell him about the affair, even after all she put us through. Revenge is not the answer.

[downwhim]

WOW, what a story. It is exhausting! See what a little time with a BPD can do.

I had a husband who was unfaithful. The damage it does... . infidelity is really in a nutshell selfishness. Seeing something you want and can't have because you already have a relationship and hum... . this other one is tempting.

Well, I divorced my ex. He married her. He is miserable. He told my son if he had it all to do over again, he would have chose not to... . food for thought.

I hope your partner can work through all this BPD r/s has created.

[Mutt]

Hi lonelyman1977,



I'm sorry to hear that. A break-up with a pwBPD is painful, chaotic and confusing.

I like how you describe it as a push / pull emotional ride 

A pwBPD have difficulties seeing the grey areas in life and have dichotomous thinking and lack impulse control.

A failure to bring together either polarized sides, thought of one's consequences with their actions can cause a lot of collateral damage.

Good to hear you worked it out with your partner.

Are you seeing a T?

Has there been any more conflict after the police dropped it all?

[tim_tom]

Damn... . these relationships are really something. Mine was also completely hooked on me the first night we spoke, I really think that is the hallmark of the disorder... . It's so odd in retrospect

[Infared]

Damn... . these relationships are really something. Mine was also completely hooked on me the first night we spoke, I really think that is the hallmark of the disorder... . It's so odd in retrospect

Yes... .but if I am not healthy it is soo ego boosting! 

... . boy, Lonelyman... . Holy Moley... . your story makes me feel quite content not dating.      The serenity is deafening. 

[vortex of confusion]

Hi lonelyman!

You are not alone here. I recently cut all contact with somebody that I was involved with outside of my marriage. The difference is that my spouse knew that I was having an affair and condoned it. It started when he and I were experimenting with an open relationship. I talked to this guy online mostly and we talked a couple of times a week for almost two years. I met up with him a handful of times, once every three or four months. Not often at all because he was always so busy with work. That alone should have been a red flag.

I had some suspicions that things weren't quite right but I could never really find any proof one way or the other. I would ask him questions to try to make sense of why I was feeling like things weren't quite right. He usually had a good answer and was able to make me feel like I was being crazy or paranoid. He presented himself as a very busy business owner that was more concerned about his family and his business. He presented himself as somebody that was in a relationship with a woman that was bipolar and crazy. He needed a friend with benefits situation with more of an emphasis on the friend stuff.

Long story short, for the last couple of months, things seemed really off. I didn't talk to him for about a month. When I started talking to him again, he said some really nice things and I got sucked back in. I don't know why, but I decided to do some google searching on him. I found a news story where he had been arrested for soliciting a minor online and attempted sexual contact with a minor. I deleted him from FB. Deleted every single message, every single piece of contact information, and have tried really hard NOT to throw up.