Hi and
chillilintroller ,
When we got together I found him help for the schizophrenia we both knew he had, he started medication and started seeing psychiatrists. Recently after more sessions he has been diagnosed with bipolar and also BPD. It is the diagnoses of BPD I have a problem with... .
Wow, that's a long list. But then it is not so uncommon that someone with BPD gets diagnosed with Bipolar and the other way round. These two conditions can look quite similar from a distance. They differ a lot in treatment with BP requiring long term properly dosed medication and BPD needed intensive therapy but can in some way be overcome.
After speaking to his ex who gave me hard evidence, I now doubt a lot of his "truths."
I know it's not her lying, she's sent me all the conversations, photos, information he deleted to hide from me.
The fact that he is convincing is based on him hiding stuff from himself. He is doing a lot of stuff he is not happy with and that is causing pain. Mental pain in a pwBPD is escalating to a point where disassociation occurs - at that point thinking is severely impaired. Some of what has been initially understood as schizophrenia may well be also a result of him being under mental pressure all the time. Is the in therapy for BPD and how is he handling that?
I know he experienced some trauma as a child and his father left him.
I would like to confirm this with his family because I don't even know if this is real other than it's what he told his ex too. But after a lot of thinking of course.
You already know he is feeling his father abandoned him. You already know he has a significant fear of abandonment (moving without break from ex to you). What would you do with the facts? Trying to "correct" his thinking would only invalidate him. If this is an important point in his personal past treat careful at the moment. Whatever the reality of the facts the pain he is feeling there is real and can from your vantage point at best be soothed a times with validation.
I have been honest with him from start to finish, every doubt, every hope for the future, every opinion, I'd rather he know and like it than hide from him and he have problems with it. So why would he lie to me and possibly pretend to be something he is not when I have said relentlessly how much being honest means to me.
Insert Quote
I found the love of my life. He makes me feel complere. We click better than any of me and my exs have in so many little, lovely ways. T
You value factual honesty. He is focusing more on expressing emotions and also paying close attention to your emotions and managing those. Facts are secondary to him and function as a tool to express his and affect your emotions.
I want to trust him, I don't know if I will be able to, I hope in few weeks he admits everything, gets himself help purely for his BPD and actually changes and doesn't lie to me about it. But that is a long shot and could potentially waste my time, money (travelling) and wreck my future relationships.
He is lying to keep his pain in check. Without going through therapy it is unlikely he is able to face the realities. The way you describe him with over the top lying and being diagnosed with schizophrenia he seems to be almost continuously at his coping limit. DBT therapy would first establish a relationship to the T, then work with him on managing his emotions and only when he got that far address some facts.
For the time being he will retreat to fantasy land when internal pain ramps up. That that happens quickly when he feels invalidated or threatened.
Trust in such situation is a difficult topic. In some way you can trust him acting very consistently and predictably within the constraints of his illness. Having a good idea how much internal pressure is at any time in play and understanding the role of validation and invalidation will make it easier to read his true intentions. Describing things on the board and external feedback can help here. Being able to communicate in a validating manner and addressing facts using the SET format will reduce his needs to lie. Facts don't matter so much unless you base your decisions on it. Here boundaries are important - where your decisions are concerned you will have to be careful on how much you rely on facts contributed by him. E.g. it is perfectly OK to validate his excitement about a scheme he may have cooked up to invest in. The scheme may be a real winner or may tank soon. It does not matter so much as long as you don't invest in it and as long as you don't advise others to do so. If you consider investing or recommending and your money and reputation is on the line you have to do some fact checking first.
Why would he lie?
I've told him I'm not going anywhere as long as he keeps to the truth
What else has he lied about?
At this point in time trying to stop him lying is not only hopeless it will make matters worse as it will be invalidating. Trying to catch him at it will wear you out. Getting a deeper understanding of his emotions and protecting yourself from being impacted from his fantasies may be a better way to spend your energy. There are a number of tools that can help you (see the
LESSONS). In the medium and long term a lot depends on him going to therapy. In the short run most improvements typically come from non's learning skills.
I could say "trust me here". I rather say - be skeptical and give it a try. Trust does not come overnight and is based on deeds. Success with the tools is also a process that takes time. I'm optimistic and absolutely convinced they work. You may be willing to extend a little trust and give it a try. And where it works you will be willing to extend trust a bit more. At the moment the trust in your bf is shattered. Rebuilding will take time, some learning from your side and also taking some limited (see boundaries) risks.
Again welcome to the board,
a0
