Struggling with getting over a BPD ex

[catdv]

I wish I would have found this resource 6 months ago.  I didn't even know what BPD was until I became involved with one.  Disengaging is an ongoing painful struggle.  Not sure I've ever experienced this level of pain before.  It's like withdrawal from an addiction. The recovery is slow.

I am hoping to find support from others who have experienced the same.

[jhkbuzz]

I wish I would have found this resource 6 months ago.  I didn't even know what BPD was until I became involved with one.  :)isengaging is an ongoing painful struggle.  Not sure I've ever experienced this level of pain before.  It's like withdrawal from an addiction. The recovery is slow.

I am hoping to find support from others who have experienced the same.

The analogy to a withdrawal from an addiction is very apt... .and you will find lots of people that share your experiences. Welcome!

Share your story whenever you feel comfortable... .the advice you receive on these boards can be very, very helpful for your healing.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hi catdv,

  Welcome to the family.    As mentioned above, the mention of withdrawal from addiction is spot on.  The areas of a brain activated after a break up are the same areas active when detoxing from an addictive substance.  A BPD r/s is also especially difficult because the bond is very strong (through idealization, love-bombing, devaluation and trauma bonding) and the typical sudden detachment makes it especially shocking to the system.  Getting over a BPD experience is a struggle.  I have had to almost entirely restructure my life.  In my BPD r/s everything had become about caring for my pwBPD.  My entire existence had become defined by fighting for her, with her, being her white knight.  When I was suddenly discarded and painted with hate my identity in life was shattered.  It hurt more than anything before in my life. 

  These boards were crucial in working through my grief.  I learned everything I could about BPD.  Slowly I was able to stop taking what happened to me so personally.  I became able to forgive and understand my dBPDex.  I see now that so much of the bad things that happened were a tragic result of a serious mental illness.  Sharing my pain, reading of others struggles here, helped me work THROUGH my grief.  I did not bury things, bottle them up or forget.  At times, such as work, I would not focus on it if possible but when I was back home I spent many nights on these boards, some nights as a total mess stricken with grief.  Detaching from my pwBPD is an ongoing process.  Along the way I have learned so much about myself and that has been the key.  The pwBPD did play a role in all this and learning about BPD is very helpful but learning about myself, my Family of Origin, my own traits, has been crucial to healing and growing after what happened.  I also spent a few months speaking to a therapist, having a rational professional to validate my experience and held me work through things was highly therapeutic.  I had tremendously powerful anger stages while grieving.  Rather than turning to drinks, drugs or other self destructive behavior I turned to exercise.  When things would get so bad in my mind and my heart, I would go to the gym and run or lift until I felt better.  I reached out to old friends and made a few new ones.  Find ways to focus on your own self care, ways to give yourself love.  It is a long bumpy road to recovery but I like to think we all come out of this wiser, stronger and ultimately healthier.

[Mutt]

Hi catdv,



I would like join jhkbuzz, ReluctantSurvivor and welcome you. A r/s break-up with a person with BPD is painful, chaotic and confusing. I'm glad that you have joined the family.

The analogy to a withdrawal from an addiction is very apt.

he areas of a brain activated after a break up are the same areas active when detoxing from an addictive substance.

There is a neuro-chemical change in the early stages of a break-up that resembles the withdrawals from a drug-user.

PERSPECTIVES: The Biology of Breaking Up - why it hurts [romantic partners]

How long was your r/s (relationship)?

What happened?

[cosmonaut]

Hey catdv,

I can totally understand about wishing you had known about BPD earlier.  I'm right there with you.  It's a very strange disorder, isn't it?  And one that has a profound effect on our relationship with our BPD partner.

Can you tell us some more about what's going on?  What brings you here?

[felix22]

Hello,

I've been through a few painful split-ups during my life. I am sure this will run counter to what many people on here are saying. However, I feel compelled to tell you, as it's helping me.

I started on an anti-depressant this winter. Have already been through a couple recycles since then (ugh-my fault). At any rate, increasing my relatively small dosage of anti-depressant (generic Zoloft, an s.s.r.i.) during these split-ups, has been extremely helpful with the physical pain and withdrawl from the relationship.

Sharing this just for your information. I was able to get my prescription from my family doctor, just by stating my situation. They started me on a higher dosage, and I lowered it by 75% to suit me. Right now, I'm up to 50% of the initial dosage, and it's helping. Also, be careful if you are pregnant, as it's associated with birth defects.

Hang in there! I read something else on bpdfamily recently, where a member mentioned that it takes about 3 months to get over the physical withdrawl. You can do it. I'm not sure if that estimate is accurate, or just hear-say. However, if it is true, you could be feeling better before too long. Another thing that helps me, is journaling about the past relationship. Take Care!

[catdv]

I was involved with my ex for almost 4 years and lived with him twice.  When deep emotional intimacy would start to develop he would sabotage it, destroy it with vicious, cruel and untrue comments. After the first break up I convinced myself that it was my fault.  But the second time was a different story.  I was in a better place, made a concerted effort to stay centered always so I had more perspective.  It was still a number of months before I was able to move out and the situation was extremely stressful and taxing.  Never knowing what each day would hod - the moodiness, anger, passive aggressive behavior and alternately he could be sweet and charismatic like he had been in the beginning.  I have now been out of that living situation for 6 months and just when he is finally out of my head he will initiate contact again and totally messes me up.  The emotional and sexual bond when things were good was amazing.  I get very frustrated with myself when I seem to obsess about only the good things, despite making a list of all his bad behavior and bad qualities.  I have good days and then seem to lose my footing and will have very bad days. I've had situations where he saw me at the grocery store and made a point of making his presence known when I would have never otherwise known he was there.  I call this "mind ___ing", which he is very good at.  He seems to have a hold on me that I cannot seem to shake and I hate myself for it.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I was involved with my ex for almost 4 years and lived with him twice.  When deep emotional intimacy would start to develop he would sabotage it, destroy it with vicious, cruel and untrue comments. After the first break up I convinced myself that it was my fault.  But the second time was a different story.  I was in a better place, made a concerted effort to stay centered always so I had more perspective.  It was still a number of months before I was able to move out and the situation was extremely stressful and taxing.  Never knowing what each day would hod - the moodiness, anger, passive aggressive behavior and alternately he could be sweet and charismatic like he had been in the beginning.  I have now been out of that living situation for 6 months and just when he is finally out of my head he will initiate contact again and totally messes me up.  The emotional and sexual bond when things were good was amazing.  I get very frustrated with myself when I seem to obsess about only the good things, despite making a list of all his bad behavior and bad qualities.  I have good days and then seem to lose my footing and will have very bad days. I've had situations where he saw me at the grocery store and made a point of making his presence known when I would have never otherwise known he was there.  I call this "mind ___ing", which he is very good at.  He seems to have a hold on me that I cannot seem to shake and I hate myself for it.

It seems that most who end up in a long term r/s with a pwBPD have some FOO (Family of Origin) issues that made staying with an emotionally dysregulated person possible.  The push/pull dynamic with a pwBPD lays down some very strong neural pathways through the highs of idealization and the lows of devaluation that is called a trauma bond, very similar to Stockholm syndrome.  Our own childhood experiences may have primed us to be more receptive to this.  In my case growing up in a household with alcoholism set the stage.  The chaos and bad behavior was familiar on an unconscious level.  It wasn't until I spent some time with a therapist after my BPD b/u and we went through my life history that I had the eureka moment on this.  At first I had that feeling of self loathing and shame.  I have worked through it, realizing that an old trauma from childhood was still left as an open wound and in a sense I was reliving it over and over through bad friendships and bad relationships.  Currently I am reading The Betrayal Bond by Patrick J Carnes and finding it very interesting while working on my self.

[Invictus01]

I wish I would have found this resource 6 months ago.  I didn't even know what BPD was until I became involved with one.  Disengaging is an ongoing painful struggle.  Not sure I've ever experienced this level of pain before.  It's like withdrawal from an addiction. The recovery is slow.

I am hoping to find support from others who have experienced the same.

Yes, you will have plenty of support here. Sadly, you read a story after a story after a story and they all read like we all dated the same person. Learning about the disorder is the key. That is the only thing that brought me some sanity back. Well, kinda sorta back... .

[catdv]

I much appreciate everyone's insight and the great information. Reluctant Survivor, you are spot on.  Both my parents were alcoholics and I think my Mom may be BPD. 

[Turkish]

I much appreciate everyone's insight and the great information. Reluctant Survivor, you are spot on.  Both my parents were alcoholics and I think my Mom may be BPD. 

catdv,

My mom is BPD. She finally admitted it to me after I share my armchair Dx of my Ex with her. It was like the final puzzle piece clicked into place, because I had started to think long and hard about my childhood after I was here a while.

I know you're here to process and detach from your SO, but invite you to post about your parents over on the family board. We would love to support you there as well:

Coping and Healing From A BPD Parent

Turkish