Just like clockwork, she reaches out

[dagwoodbowser]

So here I am holding fast, working hard to regain control of my life, my emotions and be free of someone who for almost 3 yrs has told me they love me, yet she controls me with manipulations, lies and continually cheats on me. I'm at 43 days of N/C at all (the longest ever), fighting triggers and she beats the buzzer with a 3 pointer. She breaks contact.

I'm getting ready for bed tonight and I get a notice on my phone that I have a incoming Google email. Here it is, cut/pate with only the banned word modified:

"I don't even know how to start this but I know what I want to say... .I miss your stupid ass and haven't f#^ked anyone since you left. When we met we seemed perfect together. I tried doing everything I could to make you happy. At first I was mad we were apart. Cause not to the end you didn't tell me how you really felt. Then I was sad for losing you. Then I took blame again because I had done things to hurt you. But I would rather have the absolute absence of you than any false hope... . no texts ... .no emails... .no calls nothing... .just the absolute void of you... . I know I still love you. But, I think I feel sorry for the next loser you victimize."

I should mention that this is her writing style. She quit high school and it wasnt until our first year together that I pushed hard for her to get her GED, but dont let that fool you. I have a BA and she out smarts me everytime! In the past, either she or I would hit the ball over the net, but she controlled the timing and responses. Usually after about 3 months, give or take 80-90 days she would escalate reaching a crescendo asking to meet. We'd have awesome make up sex and we would be back on.

I havnt been here long, but I have learned much. I've posted before that I thought I was the Only one who had this type of situation, but I have seen a continuous pattern of what these poor souls with BPD do not only to their Nons, but themselves. First week here, I decided to write her a brief email explaining that I had Blocked her texts and calls on phone and that her known email addresses were set to simply be deleted so I wouldnt even have to know about them or see them. So, she bypasses my secure zone by using an email address I didnt recognize. 4 recycles, the same beginnings and same endings, by her of course and last time I felt so shamed, humiliated that I almost lost my life at my own hands. So, whatever the content of her message means, right now is not to much of a concern. I am alarmed, but not surprised.

I love her, miss her, but I cant do it again! However, now that I see and recognize the pattern(s) I'm not going to fall for it. I'm still learning though and thank God I have this place. As I did when I told her she was blocked, should I respond and ask her to respect my boundaries and that I am now adding this new address to be deleted or should I hold fast to no contact and ignore?

[anxiety5]

So here I am holding fast, working hard to regain control of my life, my emotions and be free of someone who for almost 3 yrs has told me they love me, yet she controls me with manipulations, lies and continually cheats on me. I'm at 43 days of N/C at all (the longest ever), fighting triggers and she beats the buzzer with a 3 pointer. She breaks contact.

I'm getting ready for bed tonight and I get a notice on my phone that I have a incoming Google email. Here it is, cut/pate with only the banned word modified:

"I don't even know how to start this but I know what I want to say... .I miss your stupid ass and haven't f#^ked anyone since you left. When we met we seemed perfect together. I tried doing everything I could to make you happy. At first I was mad we were apart. Cause not to the end you didn't tell me how you really felt. Then I was sad for losing you. Then I took blame again because I had done things to hurt you. But I would rather have the absolute absence of you than any false hope... . no texts ... .no emails... .no calls nothing... .just the absolute void of you... . I know I still love you. But, I think I feel sorry for the next loser you victimize."

I should mention that this is her writing style. She quit high school and it wasnt until our first year together that I pushed hard for her to get her GED, but dont let that fool you. I have a BA and she out smarts me everytime! In the past, either she or I would hit the ball over the net, but she controlled the timing and responses. Usually after about 3 months, give or take 80-90 days she would escalate reaching a crescendo asking to meet. We'd have awesome make up sex and we would be back on.

I havnt been here long, but I have learned much. I've posted before that I thought I was the Only one who had this type of situation, but I have seen a continuous pattern of what these poor souls with BPD do not only to their Nons, but themselves. First week here, I decided to write her a brief email explaining that I had Blocked her texts and calls on phone and that her known email addresses were set to simply be deleted so I wouldnt even have to know about them or see them. So, she bypasses my secure zone by using an email address I didnt recognize. 4 recycles, the same beginnings and same endings, by her of course and last time I felt so shamed, humiliated that I almost lost my life at my own hands. So, whatever the content of her message means, right now is not to much of a concern. I am alarmed, but not surprised.

I love her, miss her, but I cant do it again! However, now that I see and recognize the pattern(s) I'm not going to fall for it. I'm still learning though and thank God I have this place. As I did when I told her she was blocked, should I respond and ask her to respect my boundaries and that I am now adding this new address to be deleted or should I hold fast to no contact and ignore?

If you respond, you are still hooked. What worries me (and others will disagree with me) is that you say you love her. I thought the same about my ex. But looking back, I didn't love her. How can anyone love someone who is emotionally abusive and enjoys being the source of their pain? You are addicted to her. And that is scientifically proven. They are a drug, but not for the right reasons. For all the wrong reasons.

If my ex calls me, if she texts me, if she breaks the blocks I have, if she calls me at work, if she shows up at my house, if she sends me mail, I will hang up, delete, block, and ignore each and every instance. She didn't love me, and your ex didn't love you either. We were manipulated and used like a natural resource for their own personal extraction and gain.

As I've detached, learned to break co-dependent traits, respect myself more, I'm now my protector. There is nothing to feel bad about when we are victimized the first time. Many of us had no concept of any of this. But there is a burden with awareness. That burden says that you know better and if the choice is still made to partake in chaos, than we are not victims, we are co-conspirators. We are as guilty as they are. Them for their desire to destroy and control us. And us, for willingly allowing it to happen.

They have contempt for us, and until we grow, heal, and change the patterns that led us to these people, we will end up in these miserable situations which only proves we must have contempt for ourselves as well.

You want to solve this problem? Or is part of you secretly happy she reached out. If the latter, seek therapy as soon as possible. It's helpful. Commit to it.  If you want to solve the problem, don't make any excuses, change your number tomorrow. Don't list it anywhere. Give it to only trusted people and those not in her circle in any capacity. Open an outlook, yahoo or google mail account and copy your contacts lists and delete the email she reached out to.

When you are ready to heal, you must be willing to let go of the past. When you let go of the past, you embrace the future. When you do these things with the intention of taking a different path than there is no such thing as an excuse, there is no such thing as conditional contact.

Ask yourself this, has this woman ever respected you? Has she ever acknowledged your boundaries? If she didn't respect you, or acknowledge your boundaries when you were together, why would she when you mean nothing to her? So what's the point in saying anything to her? It's an exercise in futility.

Write down what love means to you. Then ask yourself in what ways this person shows you these things, does she treat you in such a way the very things you just wrote down?

Ask yourself this. Have you ever been able to reason with her? Do you have any faith she will magically "get it" now? All the previous times you made up or broke NC to speak or engage in texts/emails with her, did any of that communication benefit you, your life, your emotional health or your future in anyway?

I'm pretty confident I know the answers to these. And I'm fairly confident you do to. Your question is not "should I contact her or not" It's why despite knowing the answers to all of these things above, do I still fathom any of this is associated with "love" and why would I even entertain for a single second engaging in any communication with such a person at all?

We are born helpless, but as adults through our own experiences we are empowered with the power of choice. To me life has become infinitely more simple. If you make good choices, you will have a good life. If you make self defeating, and destructive choices, than how could it turn out any other way?

Enough is enough man. Erase this person from your life like a malignant tumor. That's basically what she is.

[Mister Brightside]

Anxiety5 (poster above) gave great advice. She has never respected your boundaries. She's probably not going to start now. if you respond to her, she'll feel you're still in her life and can get a response from you whenever she talks to you. Ignore her, and that will send a more powerful message to her about your boundaries. Actions speak louder than words.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hey dagwood, glad you are here letting others help you think it thru.  In the book The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker says "if you tell someone ten times you don't want to talk to them, you are talking to them - nine times more than you wanted to."  So, if you don't want to talk to her, then don't.  Talking abt anything (your boundaries, reasons for it, asking her to respect it, etc) is still talking.  Not talking is not talking.  Pretty black and white. 

Further, he goes on to say," if you call him back after he leaves twenty messages, you simply teach him the cost of getting a call back is twenty messages.'  Which means we have to be VERY mindful of what we do b/c we are training and teaching our ex's what it takes for them to get a response.  In your case , if you "reward" her with a response (b/c even a negative response is still a response) you have just reinforced and trained her that the cost of getting a response from you is to create a new email acct that you don't recognize.  Do you want to reward this behavior?  That she has to dupe you into reading her emails?

So, it is just a choice.  If you don't want to talk to her then don't.  NOT ABT ANYTHING. 

[Infared]

Dag... .I know it isn't easy... .our love connection to them was so strong... .but silence is your best hug for you. Don't respond. Don't engage. That sends the strongest message and protects you the most. At least all I ever got was more pain when I engaged with my ex on any level.

Ever watch the water circling around a drain in your sink.  If a fly jumped in... .he wouldn't have a chance. It's like that. :-)

[downwhim]

Welcome Dagwoodb,

Anxiety couldn't have said it better. The addiction is what keeps us hooked and coming back for more. I had a letter all written to send to my exBPD fiancé and it is just going to stay with me. I wrote out after 6 months n/c what it feels like and what he put me through.

Your ex's email is filled with shame. She paints you white then black again. Loves you and hates you. Do we all really want to continue that type of "love" in our lives. I feel so much like you, I miss him but as Anxiety said, this was not love.

My girlfriend is getting married tomorrow night. I am her maid of honor. This is what I have been asked to read. Forgive me if you are not a religious person and it offends you but I truly believe this is what love is:

If I do not have Love I Gain Nothing.

A reading from the first letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians

Brothers and Sister:

Strive eagerly for the greatest spiritual gifts.

But I shall show you a more excellent way.

If I speak in human and angelic tongues

but do not have love,

I am a resounding going or a clashing cymbal

And if I have the gift of prophecy

and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;

If I have all faith so as if to move mountains,

but do not have love I have nothing.

If I give away everything I own,

and if I hand my body over so that I may boast

but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It is not jealous, is not pompous,

it is not inflated, it is not rude.

It does not seek its own interests.

It is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,

it does not rejoice over wrong doing

but rejoices with the truth

It bears all things, believes all things

hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.

[Sunfl0wer]

I love her, miss her, but I cant do it again! However, now that I see and recognize the pattern(s) I'm not going to fall for it. I'm still learning though and thank God I have this place. As I did when I told her she was blocked, should I respond and ask her to respect my boundaries and that I am now adding this new address to be deleted or should I hold fast to no contact and ignore?

Her behavior is yelling at you: "I do not respect your boundaries!"

You have already expressed them.

Believe her! 

(Instead of trying to make her understand what her behavior tells you she can't)

[dagwoodbowser]

You want to solve this problem? Or is part of you secretly happy she reached out. If the latter, seek therapy as soon as possible. It's helpful. Commit to it.  If you want to solve the problem, don't make any excuses, change your number tomorrow. Don't list it anywhere. Give it to only trusted people and those not in her circle in any capacity. Open an outlook, yahoo or google mail account and copy your contacts lists and delete the email she reached out to.

When you are ready to heal, you must be willing to let go of the past. When you let go of the past, you embrace the future. When you do these things with the intention of taking a different path than there is no such thing as an excuse, there is no such thing as conditional contact.

Ask yourself this, has this woman ever respected you? Has she ever acknowledged your boundaries? If she didn't respect you, or acknowledge your boundaries when you were together, why would she when you mean nothing to her? So what's the point in saying anything to her? It's an exercise in futility.

Thank you all.

Anxiety5, Thank you for the raw brutal Truth. After getting this last night before bedtime I thought I wasnt going to sleep. I sleep well, overslept a little in fact. This tells me that a lot of what I am learning and absorbing is sinking in. I'm getting closer and closer to burying this Zombie Relationship that wont die. I, as the Non Zombie, have to end it. There seems to be a split here on these boards. Those that feel we need to extend compassion, group hugs and lot's of understanding and empathy while singing Kum-ba-yah. Then those that have had enough, have given the compassion, empathy and then keep getting stabbed in the back. I've decided I am Not going to respond at all. For 2 reasons. One is likely not for right reason, the other is. I think it's time she understands what it's like to put yourself out there, ask for and want a dialog of communication with someone of value only to get dead silence. The other is as ReclamingMyLife stated.

In the book The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker says "if you tell someone ten times you don't want to talk to them, you are talking to them - nine times more than you wanted to."  So, if you don't want to talk to her, then don't.  Talking abt anything (your boundaries, reasons for it, asking her to respect it, etc) is still talking.  Not talking is not talking.  Pretty black and white. 

I've been posting about triggers and how I want to move on. I have to establish my own boundaries. My Word is Law.

[DyingLove]

OKAY-  So how do you Love someone, Truly?  How do you separate Love from addiction?

You could say that I'm addicted to my ex also.  I feel that I've loved her and still do.  I guess time will tell... .addictions you get over?  ... .love you don't get over?

Why can't we FIX that right now?  It would be easier to get over if we could.

Then also:  what are we addicted to?   The grief, the hate, the miserable times?  In my opinion, love has got to be in there somewhere!  Even just a little.

It's funny I'm writing this... .the first time I mentioned love to the ex, she told me that she thought that the phrase "I love you" is way over used.  I'm thinking back on that now... .but she would ALWAYS say that she loved me after that.  Maybe she was afraid to say it.  I don't know anymore.  Just wanna eat some junk food, win the lottery and move to a cabin in wyoming, get some dogs, chop wood, feed off the land, and find myself.  I'll need a four wheeler too! ;-)

[m-and-m]

DyingLove... .

Love, like addictoin is a choice... . so to separate, just choose not to. Yes it is hard, and yes it takes time... . but none the less... .a choice.

Attraction, however, is not a choice... . We have no control over who or what we are attracted to. Lust is a SOB, so to help with those type of emotions and feelings, guard yourself... . or avoid any temptation.

[DyingLove]

DyingLove... .

Love, like addictoin is a choice... . so to separate, just choose not to. Yes it is hard, and yes it takes time... . but none the less... .a choice.

Attraction, however, is not a choice... . We have no control over who or what we are attracted to. Lust is a SOB, so to help with those type of emotions and feelings, guard yourself... . or avoid any temptation.

Honestly, for many many years, I don't know how to be just me.  I've always had a partner or wife.  So how to avoid temptation is something I gotta learn I guess or at least attempt to understand.

[jhkbuzz]

So here I am holding fast, working hard to regain control of my life, my emotions and be free of someone who for almost 3 yrs has told me they love me, yet she controls me with manipulations, lies and continually cheats on me. I'm at 43 days of N/C at all (the longest ever), fighting triggers and she beats the buzzer with a 3 pointer. She breaks contact.

I'm getting ready for bed tonight and I get a notice on my phone that I have a incoming Google email. Here it is, cut/pate with only the banned word modified:

"I don't even know how to start this but I know what I want to say... .I miss your stupid ass and haven't f#^ked anyone since you left. When we met we seemed perfect together. I tried doing everything I could to make you happy. At first I was mad we were apart. Cause not to the end you didn't tell me how you really felt. Then I was sad for losing you. Then I took blame again because I had done things to hurt you. But I would rather have the absolute absence of you than any false hope... . no texts ... .no emails... .no calls nothing... .just the absolute void of you... . I know I still love you. But, I think I feel sorry for the next loser you victimize."

I should mention that this is her writing style. She quit high school and it wasnt until our first year together that I pushed hard for her to get her GED, but dont let that fool you. I have a BA and she out smarts me everytime! In the past, either she or I would hit the ball over the net, but she controlled the timing and responses. Usually after about 3 months, give or take 80-90 days she would escalate reaching a crescendo asking to meet. We'd have awesome make up sex and we would be back on.

I havnt been here long, but I have learned much. I've posted before that I thought I was the Only one who had this type of situation, but I have seen a continuous pattern of what these poor souls with BPD do not only to their Nons, but themselves. First week here, I decided to write her a brief email explaining that I had Blocked her texts and calls on phone and that her known email addresses were set to simply be deleted so I wouldnt even have to know about them or see them. So, she bypasses my secure zone by using an email address I didnt recognize. 4 recycles, the same beginnings and same endings, by her of course and last time I felt so shamed, humiliated that I almost lost my life at my own hands. So, whatever the content of her message means, right now is not to much of a concern. I am alarmed, but not surprised.

I love her, miss her, but I cant do it again! However, now that I see and recognize the pattern(s) I'm not going to fall for it. I'm still learning though and thank God I have this place. As I did when I told her she was blocked, should I respond and ask her to respect my boundaries and that I am now adding this new address to be deleted or should I hold fast to no contact and ignore?

If you respond, you are still hooked. What worries me (and others will disagree with me) is that you say you love her. I thought the same about my ex. But looking back, I didn't love her. How can anyone love someone who is emotionally abusive and enjoys being the source of their pain? You are addicted to her. And that is scientifically proven. They are a drug, but not for the right reasons. For all the wrong reasons.

If my ex calls me, if she texts me, if she breaks the blocks I have, if she calls me at work, if she shows up at my house, if she sends me mail, I will hang up, delete, block, and ignore each and every instance. She didn't love me, and your ex didn't love you either. We were manipulated and used like a natural resource for their own personal extraction and gain.

As I've detached, learned to break co-dependent traits, respect myself more, I'm now my protector. There is nothing to feel bad about when we are victimized the first time. Many of us had no concept of any of this. But there is a burden with awareness. That burden says that you know better and if the choice is still made to partake in chaos, than we are not victims, we are co-conspirators. We are as guilty as they are. Them for their desire to destroy and control us. And us, for willingly allowing it to happen.

They have contempt for us, and until we grow, heal, and change the patterns that led us to these people, we will end up in these miserable situations which only proves we must have contempt for ourselves as well.

You want to solve this problem? Or is part of you secretly happy she reached out. If the latter, seek therapy as soon as possible. It's helpful. Commit to it.  If you want to solve the problem, don't make any excuses, change your number tomorrow. Don't list it anywhere. Give it to only trusted people and those not in her circle in any capacity. Open an outlook, yahoo or google mail account and copy your contacts lists and delete the email she reached out to.

When you are ready to heal, you must be willing to let go of the past. When you let go of the past, you embrace the future. When you do these things with the intention of taking a different path than there is no such thing as an excuse, there is no such thing as conditional contact.

Ask yourself this, has this woman ever respected you? Has she ever acknowledged your boundaries? If she didn't respect you, or acknowledge your boundaries when you were together, why would she when you mean nothing to her? So what's the point in saying anything to her? It's an exercise in futility.

Write down what love means to you. Then ask yourself in what ways this person shows you these things, does she treat you in such a way the very things you just wrote down?

Ask yourself this. Have you ever been able to reason with her? Do you have any faith she will magically "get it" now? All the previous times you made up or broke NC to speak or engage in texts/emails with her, did any of that communication benefit you, your life, your emotional health or your future in anyway?

I'm pretty confident I know the answers to these. And I'm fairly confident you do to. Your question is not "should I contact her or not" It's why despite knowing the answers to all of these things above, do I still fathom any of this is associated with "love" and why would I even entertain for a single second engaging in any communication with such a person at all?

We are born helpless, but as adults through our own experiences we are empowered with the power of choice. To me life has become infinitely more simple. If you make good choices, you will have a good life. If you make self defeating, and destructive choices, than how could it turn out any other way?

Enough is enough man. Erase this person from your life like a malignant tumor. That's basically what she is.

People with BPD aren't typically that premeditated or calculating... .they have poor impulse control and they struggle with emotional dysregulation - so they often make poor decisions.

Did you see narcissistic traits in your ex?

[dagwoodbowser]

Did you see narcissistic traits in your ex?

jhkbuzz, on occasion I would see narcissistic traits, but from my view she was textbook BPD and was given that diagnosis during her second pregnancy. She did however have a vast amount of knowledge about Narcissicsim claiming the father of her children was big time and was even part of a FB support group. When I first met her she gave a laundry list of how she was in one abusive relationship after another and of course I went out of my way to prove I wasnt going to be like the rest. Dhe didnt tell me about her problem until 3 months into relationship.

I am Not focusing on any meaning on her message because she is ultra impulsive and she self meds and I would imagine she had a weak moment last night wondering why I'm not playing text or email ping-pong with her.

[drummerboy]

On the rare occasions that I wonder what I would do if my ex ever contacted me I remind myself that during the relationship I always took every call or text from her which was always about the non stop self created turmoil in her life. I'd spend hours listening to her, being understanding, encouraging. At the end I reached out to her for a little closure and comfort and got NOTHING. the only time I wanted something from her and she couldn't care less. This is why I would never reply to her in any way. They are the most self absorbed people on the planet, everything is about them. Never forget that they really don't care about you!

[dagwoodbowser]

Drummerboy: This is such a sad truth. Anytime my X had some sort of emergency, crises, major dramatic event or one of her meltdowns I was there, always. I prided myslef on being able to soothe her. I took on a stoic sense of strength, sometimes actual, sometimes a facade because she saw me that way sometimes and would say I was her her source of strength, spiritually and emotionally. I did have a few instances where I wanted to share my feelings or was bumming and regardless of my reaching out to her she was oblivious. After we got together the 2 and 3rd recycle I realize it was because of her deep need for intimacy, sex. I kept the blinders on believing it was much more than that. So yeah, cant keep falling for that. A few hours of intense sexual bliss are not worth the weeks and months of detox once you're discarded like a used emotional tampon.

[DyingLove]

Love it!  Used emotional tampon!  LOL

Correct with a twist for me.  The sex was nearly almost always there.  It wasn't great, but it didn't need to be, because it was a personal thing with someone I loved.  It was what I got!  I always enjoyed, I made sure she enjoyed too... .nothing overly kinky at all, but one way or another she was satisfied.  That's another reason that I wonder why she pulled the plug on everything!  A man that went out of his way to do the "cha cha" and make her happy?  She's just not seeing or caring what she's missing out on.  Unless it was all a lie too? 

[anxiety5]

So here I am holding fast, working hard to regain control of my life, my emotions and be free of someone who for almost 3 yrs has told me they love me, yet she controls me with manipulations, lies and continually cheats on me. I'm at 43 days of N/C at all (the longest ever), fighting triggers and she beats the buzzer with a 3 pointer. She breaks contact.

I'm getting ready for bed tonight and I get a notice on my phone that I have a incoming Google email. Here it is, cut/pate with only the banned word modified:

"I don't even know how to start this but I know what I want to say... .I miss your stupid ass and haven't f#^ked anyone since you left. When we met we seemed perfect together. I tried doing everything I could to make you happy. At first I was mad we were apart. Cause not to the end you didn't tell me how you really felt. Then I was sad for losing you. Then I took blame again because I had done things to hurt you. But I would rather have the absolute absence of you than any false hope... . no texts ... .no emails... .no calls nothing... .just the absolute void of you... . I know I still love you. But, I think I feel sorry for the next loser you victimize."

I should mention that this is her writing style. She quit high school and it wasnt until our first year together that I pushed hard for her to get her GED, but dont let that fool you. I have a BA and she out smarts me everytime! In the past, either she or I would hit the ball over the net, but she controlled the timing and responses. Usually after about 3 months, give or take 80-90 days she would escalate reaching a crescendo asking to meet. We'd have awesome make up sex and we would be back on.

I havnt been here long, but I have learned much. I've posted before that I thought I was the Only one who had this type of situation, but I have seen a continuous pattern of what these poor souls with BPD do not only to their Nons, but themselves. First week here, I decided to write her a brief email explaining that I had Blocked her texts and calls on phone and that her known email addresses were set to simply be deleted so I wouldnt even have to know about them or see them. So, she bypasses my secure zone by using an email address I didnt recognize. 4 recycles, the same beginnings and same endings, by her of course and last time I felt so shamed, humiliated that I almost lost my life at my own hands. So, whatever the content of her message means, right now is not to much of a concern. I am alarmed, but not surprised.

I love her, miss her, but I cant do it again! However, now that I see and recognize the pattern(s) I'm not going to fall for it. I'm still learning though and thank God I have this place. As I did when I told her she was blocked, should I respond and ask her to respect my boundaries and that I am now adding this new address to be deleted or should I hold fast to no contact and ignore?

If you respond, you are still hooked. What worries me (and others will disagree with me) is that you say you love her. I thought the same about my ex. But looking back, I didn't love her. How can anyone love someone who is emotionally abusive and enjoys being the source of their pain? You are addicted to her. And that is scientifically proven. They are a drug, but not for the right reasons. For all the wrong reasons.

If my ex calls me, if she texts me, if she breaks the blocks I have, if she calls me at work, if she shows up at my house, if she sends me mail, I will hang up, delete, block, and ignore each and every instance. She didn't love me, and your ex didn't love you either. We were manipulated and used like a natural resource for their own personal extraction and gain.

As I've detached, learned to break co-dependent traits, respect myself more, I'm now my protector. There is nothing to feel bad about when we are victimized the first time. Many of us had no concept of any of this. But there is a burden with awareness. That burden says that you know better and if the choice is still made to partake in chaos, than we are not victims, we are co-conspirators. We are as guilty as they are. Them for their desire to destroy and control us. And us, for willingly allowing it to happen.

They have contempt for us, and until we grow, heal, and change the patterns that led us to these people, we will end up in these miserable situations which only proves we must have contempt for ourselves as well.

You want to solve this problem? Or is part of you secretly happy she reached out. If the latter, seek therapy as soon as possible. It's helpful. Commit to it.  If you want to solve the problem, don't make any excuses, change your number tomorrow. Don't list it anywhere. Give it to only trusted people and those not in her circle in any capacity. Open an outlook, yahoo or google mail account and copy your contacts lists and delete the email she reached out to.

When you are ready to heal, you must be willing to let go of the past. When you let go of the past, you embrace the future. When you do these things with the intention of taking a different path than there is no such thing as an excuse, there is no such thing as conditional contact.

Ask yourself this, has this woman ever respected you? Has she ever acknowledged your boundaries? If she didn't respect you, or acknowledge your boundaries when you were together, why would she when you mean nothing to her? So what's the point in saying anything to her? It's an exercise in futility.

Write down what love means to you. Then ask yourself in what ways this person shows you these things, does she treat you in such a way the very things you just wrote down?

Ask yourself this. Have you ever been able to reason with her? Do you have any faith she will magically "get it" now? All the previous times you made up or broke NC to speak or engage in texts/emails with her, did any of that communication benefit you, your life, your emotional health or your future in anyway?

I'm pretty confident I know the answers to these. And I'm fairly confident you do to. Your question is not "should I contact her or not" It's why despite knowing the answers to all of these things above, do I still fathom any of this is associated with "love" and why would I even entertain for a single second engaging in any communication with such a person at all?

We are born helpless, but as adults through our own experiences we are empowered with the power of choice. To me life has become infinitely more simple. If you make good choices, you will have a good life. If you make self defeating, and destructive choices, than how could it turn out any other way?

Enough is enough man. Erase this person from your life like a malignant tumor. That's basically what she is.

People with BPD aren't typically that premeditated or calculating... .they have poor impulse control and they struggle with emotional dysregulation - so they often make poor decisions.

Did you see narcissistic traits in your ex?

My ex was 100% co-morbid. So is she BPD? Is she NPD? Yes. A very helpful therapist showed me the way they overlap. And she also helped me see how similar ALL the cluster B types really are. The patterns in the relationship, the manipulation, the discard, etc it's all the same.

My ex was HIGHLY calculated. And cruel too. When we were going through the break down prior to me going NC and just getting away from her, we were separated and not seeing each other. I was very close to her child. Attached totally. In a conversation with her, I said I can deal with us, because we tried, and we may fail, etc. But it hurts bad losing him too. He's so innocent. And I just have to say goodbye? That's really hard. I asked that until we figured stuff out, that it would be best not to see him. I told her when I saw any picture with him it hurt me so bad. All the pictures on my phone etc.  The conversation shifted and I told her how when she cheated on me she really hurt me bad.

The NEXT DAY she reached out to me. She said "how are you?" I said, hanging in there. She asked what I was up to. I told her I was at the park. She said really? Send me a picture of the park. So I did. I then asked what she was up to. She said the work crew was out for a drink. She then proceeds to send me 2 pictures. One of her and her son when she said goodbye to him that evening and 2 her at a bar with co-workers sitting next to the kid she cheated on me with and wearing the sweater I bought her for Christmas.

It was SO UTTERLY RIDICULOUS I literally laughed out loud. I mean, the only thing that was missing was a voo doo doll dressed in a miniature outfit of mine, and her stabbing it with a knife. ha ha.

I told her 2 things that hurt me. And the following day she feigned care, all in order to open up a rhetorical question so she could send everything she had at me in order to try and hurt me. 

This one story (of a million) is a window into her soul. She is punitive. She is immature. She maximizes impact and damage. She is a sick human being.

[dagwoodbowser]

DyingLove: From my personal observation, experience and what I've read I dont think it would matter if you were a perfect Nordic beast at 6'4", 200 lbs, fully packaged and popped Viagra round the clock. My BPDx had a chronic emptiness that I still to this day convinced no man with any amount of money, emotional strength or sexual prowess could fill. I was always perplexed by the affairs, the orbitors, etc. When I confronted her and she knew there was just no way to deny she was busted red handed all she could do was bring up my weaknesses to try and emasculate me and turn the blame back on me. Empty vessel with a crack at the bottom that cant be filled.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Unless it was all a lie too?  

DyingLove, I don't think it was just a lie.  I think the feelings were real.  Too real.  Too intense.  I think when he suffered, he suffered profusely.  When he loved, he loved profusely.  It was just all too much - whatever it was.  All of it.  He did terrible things:  lied to me, stole from me, set me up.  But I think all of it was real.  The love and the hate.  Though that is hard to reconcile.  How could one love so much and hate so much.  Be so tender and so vicious.  He may have been wrong.  Often was.  Though he lied, it wasn't a lie.  It was all real to him.  Both are true.    

Just my take on my experience... .

[downwhim]

The hateful way he ended things and then sat there smug like I just pulled one over on her! No security, total chaos he created and enjoyed. How he could find joy tormenting me is so very sick.

[JohnLove]

When I confronted her and she knew there was just no way to deny she was busted red handed all she could do was bring up my weaknesses to try and emasculate me and turn the blame back on me.

Oooh... .you hit the spot right there. No amount of reason or logic will prevail. Is this the only way their can defend their reprehensible actions?... .by trying to twist it around onto us?... .it defies SANITY. 

[anxiety5]

The hateful way he ended things and then sat there smug like I just pulled one over on her! No security, total chaos he created and enjoyed. How he could find joy tormenting me is so very sick.

Yes mine was very similar in this way. I was fortunate, and I put much of that good fortune credit to ALL OF YOU. I knew something was off, but the information I found enlightened me. I still believe that the way in which they devalue and discard you is so utterly mind boggling that no matter how much you ever read, or ever understand, if it's your first experience in one of these relationships no words will make you understand that your situation will end the same way. You just have to crash and burn yourself. That's what I had to do. So despite my awareness, it did me no good to leave. The one thing it did which looking back was invaluable, is made me understand it a lot more. I was able to hope for the best and test the waters to see if she was really as malignant and unchangeable as I read, and all the while having the invaluable sliver of knowledge to cushion each "episode" So that I could save my soul from being destroyed.

She enjoyed the power of tormenting. She got a buzz from the high of watching fear created in other's faces and to know she was the source. She used to do it under different disguises but it gives me chills to really understand that she enjoyed it.

Examples:

Her child was terrified of a character in a cartoon. Late at night she would look out the window and then back at him and say "Uh oh, I think I see him out there"  Her child would get worried. Terrified. He would ask for reassurance that the "monster" is not out there. He would ask over and over and over and over again. She would bait him and make him think something was outside for 10-15 minutes at a time. Only to tell him finally at the end that this imaginary thing wasn't there. How sick.

She cheated on me and this was a source of great hurt and pain. This was the event that baffled me to such horrendous levels it led me on the path to find information about what was going on. But when she had no choice but to tell me, I was devastated. Tried turning my head away from her and she grabbed my hands so I could not cover my eyes. She turned my face towards her and gazed into my eyes staring. About 2 hours later, she had successfully seduced me and verbally says to me ":)on't you think me doing that made this hotter?" I told her to leave. Another time she told me that she saw the deepness of pain in my eyes that day and she knew I loved her.  Sick!

She always had to triangulate. It had nothing to do with any interest in the other person either. She did it because the leverage she'd hold over our relationship by casually letting me know this guy or that guy won't leave her alone made her feel good tormenting me.

I learned quickly though to pay attention to when I can sense I'm being baited. Understand that it's happening to get a certain response. Do everything in your power, in every speck of your being, to NOT give them that reaction. It worked too. She would mention something about her ex, saying he missed her. Rather than ask why she brought this up 3 minutes after sex, or during an anniversary dinner, I'd realize what was happening, and give the exact opposite reaction that I felt was being requested. So I'd reply with something like "Can you blame him, you're hot." followed by "How is he doing anyway? Everything good in his life?" She would almost get mad. Annoyed, and she'd instantly drop it and talk about something else.  I figured out a lot of ways to combat her nonsense, but how exhausting always having to out strategize and out maneuver someone who supposedly loves you. It's sick.

[dagwoodbowser]

She enjoyed the power of tormenting. She got a buzz from the high of watching fear created in other's faces and to know she was the source. She used to do it under different disguises but it gives me chills to really understand that she enjoyed it.

When she wasnt being overtly verbally abusive with her 2 small children, she would use a combo of this fear tactic with PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) by telling them if they continued to be bad she was going to send them off to their father. They would cry their eyes out. Always pointed out to her that there were better methods and she would remind me that they were "her" kids.

She always had to triangulate. It had nothing to do with any interest in the other person either. She did it because the leverage she'd hold over our relationship by casually letting me know this guy or that guy won't leave her alone made her feel good tormenting me.

Yep, there wasn't a week where she would'nt tell me about how this guy at the office or guy at the store or how an x boyfriend was hitting on her. I would simply look at her and say... ."and... .your telling me this because... .?"

She would then tell me that she just wanted me to know that she wasn't interested in other men. To which I would say... ."Then why do you insist on talking to them? If you'll just ignore them they will leave you alone." She would get pissed, stop off and tell me that I just dont get it. She was starved for attention.

Thank God I can vent about this... .while this is majorly Triggering me right now... .it just keeps reaffirming that I made some poor decisions and have to be sure I dont keep going back for another butt kicking!

[FlSunshineGirl]

No contact and ignore.

As hard as it is... .it's for YOUR own good!

I agree that she's not respecting your boundaries and you shouldn't have to beg someone to respect your boundaries or ask them when they time and time again don't respect them.

You show them your boundaries with NC to protect yourself from a dysfunctional and toxic dance that you know how will end.

Hugs! 

[FlSunshineGirl]

Dagwood... .

What Downwhim said about what she's reading at a wedding for a friend.

It's also your little tag at the bottom.

Love is patient, it is kind... .

You've got to figure out what kind of love you want and need in your life and start believing you deserve to give that kind of love to someone and receive that kind of love in return.

Then what we thought was "love" was a sad counterfeit.

[dagwoodbowser]

No contact and ignore.

Thank you FlSunshineGirl... .think that is pretty much where I'm at as well as all my friends here

[anxiety5]

No contact and ignore.

Thank you FlSunshineGirl... .think that is pretty much where I'm at as well as all my friends here

There have never been such truths in so few words.

[FlSunshineGirl]

You're welcome Dagwood... .

It's the ONLY thing that's helped me heal. I've done the back and forth for years with him.

Now that I've gone NC and ignored his two attempts to email me and not contacted him when I saw him in my neighborhood it's given me such strength!

Now, getting those emails and seeing his car shook me up tremendously when it happened... .but after I didn't react or respond to him it's really allowed more healing to take place and I'm getting in a better, happier, healthier place every day!

[FlSunshineGirl]

No contact and ignore.

Thank you FlSunshineGirl... .think that is pretty much where I'm at as well as all my friends here

There have never been such truths in so few words.

Agree Anxiety!