Need insight.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Background story. Was married a long time to xBPDh. Now separated/divorced for over four years with very limited contact. First two years he exhibited stalking behaviour. A little after the two year mark I met a new partner and can say this is the best time of my life. I am at and have peace in self and in my home.

XBPDh is also in a new relationship for over a year now and have heard she is a really nice person.

So, after divorce in which I retained our property he asked if he could leave some of his things in the barn. I said of course, I believed at that time he hadn't found a new place to live and I (of course!) wanted to be helpful. I thought it was temporary.

His coming to the property had dwindled off and last year he was only over once. But, he did not call or notify me that he would be there. His behaviour while there was quite odd, almost like he was spring cleaning his own home. I didn't want a repeat this year so I asked my new partner to email him and ask him to remove his items. I don't want him on my property any longer. I have a new life. Last night I got a call from him. I didn't answer the call but did listen to the voice message. He believed we had a permanent agreement that he could come on the property and use the barn at any time. Legally the property is mine. He wanted me to call him back to discuss this issue.

So here is what I don't understand.

Why did my anxiety soar and my heart feel like it was clenched in an icy fist when I listened to his message?

Why do I feel guilty for asking him to stay away?

Why do I want my new partner to deal with him and not do it myself? This is most unusual for me as I am quite used to dealing with life matters by myself.

And lastly why am I dwelling on this, why can't I just dismiss it?

Has anyone else been in similar circumstances?

[Cumulus]

Background story. Was married a long time to xBPDh. Now separated/divorced for over four years with very limited contact. First two years he exhibited stalking behaviour. A little after the two year mark I met a new partner and can say this is the best time of my life. I am at and have peace in self and in my home.

XBPDh is also in a new relationship for over a year now and have heard she is a really nice person.

So, after divorce in which I retained our property he asked if he could leave some of his things in the barn. I said of course, I believed at that time he hadn't found a new place to live and I (of course!) wanted to be helpful. I thought it was temporary.

His coming to the property had dwindled off and last year he was only over once. But, he did not call or notify me that he would be there. His behaviour while there was quite odd, almost like he was spring cleaning his own home. I didn't want a repeat this year so I asked my new partner to email him and ask him to remove his items. I don't want him on my property any longer. I have a new life. Last night I got a call from him. I didn't answer the call but did listen to the voice message. He believed we had a permanent agreement that he could come on the property and use the barn at any time. Legally the property is mine. He wanted me to call him back to discuss this issue.

So here is what I don't understand.

Why did my anxiety soar and my heart feel like it was clenched in an icy fist when I listened to his message?

Why do I feel guilty for asking him to stay away?

Why do I want my new partner to deal with him and not do it myself? This is most unusual for me as I am quite used to dealing with life matters by myself.

And lastly why am I dwelling on this, why can't I just dismiss it?

Has anyone else been in similar circumstances?

[shatterd]

the hook is still looming, and maybe ur truely not 100% done yet, or it could they have such an efect on us its takes alot years and alota of other stuff in our lives to happen, good and bad, to be able to let go for good.  I know how you feel, its very hard and its guna take time and life to happen im affraid.   hang in there  and let us know how its going.

thank you for shareing  good post

[Cumulus]

Hi shatterd. No, there is no hook. Residual sadness maybe at all that was lost but no desire to ever reconnect. But the time thing is something that I need to consider. I guess I feel like I should be able to put it in a tidy little box and push it away out of mind at this point in time. Indeed, that is why I came here to write about the problem, I just don't want my friends to think I can't let it go. Because I have, except for when I see him or hear his voice. I react with fear and anxiety. That is what I just don't understand. Thanks for listening. All the best to you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cumulus, Like most of us, you probably had difficulty setting boundaries with your Ex and the barn is, perhaps, one last vestige of this ongoing problem.  My suggestion is that you set a firm boundary in a nice way, such as, please contact me via email to arrange a time to get your stuff out of the barn within the next 30 days, or something like that, with a consequence if he doesn't do it.  He'll get the idea.  That you feel nervous about it is normal to me, after a long marriage to a pwBPD.  I cringe when I hear from my BPDxW after a 16-year marriage.  I have too many negative associations w/her and the warning signs go up when I hear from her.  I take a few deep breaths before I respond, laugh and decide what to do from a grounded place, rather than reacting to her negative energy in knee-jerk fashion.  I like the way you paused after your Ex left the voicemail message, without feeling the need to call him back right away.

LuckyJim

[despr8]

hi cumulus, I know the feeling your having it is knowing he can snap in any minute over anything and your emotions are trying to avoid any contact or confrontations and you are normal to feel that way. I have a wife that triggers over the least little thing and I also think when all or any of the circumstances are complete and finish between you two the feelings will be like you say in a box and done with... .good luck with the finalities and on with your future life with your new man... .despr8

[Panda39]

Maybe it's something like when we go visit our parents and revert back to the role of the kid.  Maybe it just takes you back to when you were married and the role of married to a BPDh. You have moved on and this contact just pulls you back to walking on egg shells.

I also agree with despr8 it could be the anticipation of the shoe drop... .confrontation, rage, drama, harassment, hurtfulness, guilt... .pain... .all things we don't like to come face to face with. 

Unfortunately this contact has definitely been some sort of trigger for you.  My advice is just plow ahead you come out the other side in no time.  

[Michelle27]

PTSD like symptoms is what it sounds like to me.  Many negative associations.  That takes time to heal.

[Cumulus]

Thank you, your words help. I didn't know about boundaries but once learned found they had definitely been trampled down and needed rebuilding. Which I did, and continue to work on doing. This is the last connection to him, one I had ignored and procrastinated on dealing with for too long. I didn't realize what a trigger it would be. More like a smoking gun where did that come from? I was not scared of him when we were married, I wasn't usually anxious around him them but once we separated the feaR and anxiety fill me up whenever I have any dealings with him. It is not my usual state , mostly if I run into him or a phone call has to be made re the divorce agreement. I have come to think that panda is right. I don't want to see him, email him or phone him because I don't want to feel like I am being maneuvered, shamed, irresponsible, inept, or amnesic any longer. I don't want to wear why can't you remember whatever? You should be able to. And nothing gets solved. So here is where the story is now. Email sent by my partner a month ago. Cumulus wished you to remove your belongs from her barn by May 31. The barn now has a lock on it so you will need to contact me at this email in order for me to be there to give you access. So that same night I got a hang up call from him. Two weeks later I got the voice Mail filled with ridiculous insinuations. My partner re emailed XH and saiid please email me and lets set up a date for you to get our things out. Nothing yet. Game playing and I am so done with that manipulative ra

[Lucky Jim]

I don't want to feel like I am being maneuvered, shamed, irresponsible, inept, or amnesic any longer.

Like how you put that.  I feel the same about my Ex whenever she gets in touch.  We have kids so LC is necessary.

Sounds like you and your SO are handling the barn issue.  My only suggestion would be to add a consequence if he doesn't get his stuff out by May 31st.

LJ

[Lifewriter16]

I might be way off the mark here, but, I had an ex-boyfriend who wouldn't take no for an answer and would reconnect when he felt he had adequate excuse (like my birthday). I was fine when there was no contact, but when he made contact I experienced great anxiety. This would throw me for days and everyone around me noticed the change in me. Once I got to feeling contact had stopped again the anxiety left. The anxiety returned the next time he made contact. This went on for months. Eventually, I discovered that it wasn't about him. The anxiety was because he reminded me of my brother with whom I had outstanding issues. Once I mourned the issues with my brother, the anxiety went. I then found that I could tell him exactly what I felt and what I wanted and didn't want in such a way that he heard me. I haven't heard from that boyfriend  since and I feel all is settled between us - it was as if there was a tiny thread connecting him to my past and I needed to break that thread through healing tears.

[Grey Kitty]

You can go a long way on working on your side of this and how this is triggering to you.

You can solve the current problem in a one sentence email:

Please arrange to pick up your belongings by May 31st. On June 1st, I will put them beside the curb.