Help resisting the waif?

[UndauntedDad]

Before coming here I had just decided I need to divorce my uBPDw of 14 yrs, though I didn't have a label for our dysfunction. After reading content here that seemed to describe her perfectly, I am only more certain that I need to go for my sake and the sake of my 8yo son. I didn’t yet file, am researching, reading Splitting, etc., lining my ducks before I tell her. 

However, its confusing for me right now.  I feel like I tried really hard to fix things for the last year with little improvement.   Then, after I wrote her a letter saying I was giving up (but not yet divorcing), she finally agreed to go to couples therapy, and she’s made big changes, though indiv. therapy, DBT, etc is explicitly off the table.  No rages or verbal abuse for several months (yay!), having sex for the first time in years, and she’s showing me affection.  The problem is that she still is overwhelmed by emotions a few times per week:  mostly sadness, or irritability that lasts for 24 hrs or more, etc—she’s just more careful with anger, and instead seems constantly overwhelmed and helpless (waiflike).  Yet for me, the anger and DV made it much easier to decide to leave her than it feels now.

Last night we had a 4 hr discussion which had a lot of her crying, me being calm and carefully trying to enforce some mild boundaries (Thanks, “Essential Family Guide to BPD!”)  She said, “if you do divorce me, it’s not fair, you get everything!  You have the great job, you have close friends, you can be happy.  What do I have?  Nothing.  My life is awful and nobody will help me!”

Any advice for dealing with either her feelings, or my feelings?  I feel manipulated, which makes me pull away from her, but that makes her worse, and then I feel guilty for abandoning her.  I feel like the most selfish, awful person ever, to abandon someone so vulnerable, after I vowed to be there for her forever.

Not-yay.

[Loosestrife]

Hi, I can relate to this behaviour from pwBPD. In some ways I find the anger easier to deal with too as I can reinforce my boundaries and pull myself round to leaving for good. When I'm not around she is pretty savvy and sled sufficient, but I love her and want it to work so the guilt gets the better of me and I stay because she is 'trying'.

[Clearmind]

Borderlines are not helpless and have spent a lifetime falling on their feet. They are survivors but it pulls on your heart strings and/or you may want to run.

Either way if she reaches out for you to fix remind yourself it's not your job. You can use a communication tool called S.E.T. If you Google or look through the workshops here.

[cosmonaut]

Hi Undaunted

Divorce is not something to be taken lightly, and I think it's very positive to spend some time giving it serious consideration.  I don't think that your second thoughts are anything to be ashamed of - I actually think they are quite healthy.  This is an important decision.  Whatever decision you make is one that you should feel very certain is the correct choice.  Do you have a therapist of your own that you could talk things over with about how you feel?  Do you have clergy you could consult?  A close friend that might be able to help work through how you are feeling?  It sometimes really helps to have someone sympathetic that can help us to see what is the best decision.

Have you already taken a look at the Lessons on the Staying board?  These are a set of tools that can often help to improve our relationship with a BPD partner.  Clearmind has already mentioned one of the tools: S.E.T.  Having a partner with BPD does require that we approach the relationship in a different way than many other relationships.  These tools can be very helpful in better relating to our partner, and to help diffuse situations when our partner is emotionally dysregulated.  If you haven't, you might take a look at those Lessons and try them out with your wife.

I understand how frustrating and painful a relationship with a BPD partner can be sometimes.  I think all of us here can.  We're here to support you.