My fear going forward

[confusedinWI]

Okay guys really need your help breaking through on this one regarding my fear of the future. I have my ex gf's looks on such a pedestal right now that I shouldn't.

When she first sent me a message on the dating site and I looked at her pictures I thought she is cute. Not the most attractive woman, but by far attractive enough where I'd want to connect with her and talk with her. Of course through the texting and talking she was very flirty, very upfront asking about sexual stuff what we liked etc.

When I met her for our first date I really found her more attractive. She was wearing these pair of jeans I couldn't stop staring at her butt in while playing pool, she said she felt the same about me. I kissed her at the bar.

After the date we made out in my car for three hours, it was a winter evening and we fogged up the car like teenagers.

Second date at her apartment we had sex, then let the love bombing begin.

I'm worried that because right now I have her physical looks on a pedestal (when I've had three people ask me what I was thinking or they were surprised by her because she didn't seem my type) that in the future I don't want to be superficial and just judge by looks and have my ex as the comparative person. I know you have to have the initial attraction and it grows from their. I don't want someone to like me just for my looks because as I get older if I put on ten extra pounds, or something happens I don't want them to leave me just for that. I know with my ex gf I fell in love with the person she was portraying herself to be. That amplified her looks to me now.

Now I still have her looks on a pedestal when it shouldn't.

I don't want to be that person going forward, I never was previously. How can I change this. I'm not planning on dating for a long while because I have some validation, attachment and codependency issues I have to address in myself. She saw that and feasted on me. She wasn't a monster but it allowed her to hook me more.

I've had plenty of women tell me I shouldn't be worried that I'm an attractive guy, Iwon't have a problem in the future. But right now I do because I have no confidence, no center of my being.

I attached my worth to these beautiful (outside at least) woman loving me. But the total package of the intimacy, consisten emotional availability, being nice is not there.

How do I get her off the pedestal? It's funny because she told me how attractive she always thought I was and she was so lucky to have me, I saw a picture of her and her new man and he's such a downgrade. I had a previous post I know and someone said that for them it's more about the replacement's personality that they feel they control, looks are secondary. I'm starting to believe that.

Help

[Plonko]

In my opinion, you don't have to take her looks off a pedestal. If she's the type that you find physically attractive then that's not going to change. I'm in exactly the same position in that my BPDexgf was a stunning looking girl. She still is. What you have to work out (and it's been hard getting there) is that the looks don't make up for the lies, the abuse, the deception, the manipulation, the lies the lack of empathy, the cheating,  the selfishness, the drug use, dealing with the self harm, the tantrums, did I mention the lies? Good looks can't make up for all that.

[Irish Pride]

I don't want to be that person going forward, I never was previously. How can I change this. I'm not planning on dating for a long while because I have some validation, attachment and codependency issues I have to address in myself. She saw that and feasted on me. She wasn't a monster but it allowed her to hook me more.

IMO, you answered your own question. You don't want to be that way, so focus on that. If you're not planning on dating for awhile (good idea, btw), I wouldn't be concerned about it now. Detach yourself COMPLETELY from her and the picture will start to fade. Concentrate on you, not on her, her looks, how it was, etc. It's over. Over, over. Final. Remember that. Don't try too hard, don't force yourself to change. Let it come naturally.

I also agree with Plonko. Don't try to not like something you're into. I know it's hard, because it's a trigger. My ex has long, black hair. I love that in a woman. That'll never change. But she's not the only woman on earth with long, black hair. And, if she was, then too bad for me because I'm never going back. But you get the point.

I completely understand you lack of self-worth. Little by little, it's gets better. Trust me.

[confusedinWI]

The irony is my ex gf was not the typical person I normally dated. She was tall 5'10" with long legs, short hair,  etc. She has an amazing smile and eyes. Now I find myself thinking I loved how tall she is and how long her legs are. Ugh. I tried in past to just be open tp whatever.  It also hurts that she downgraded with new man maybe thag means I wasnt as attractive as she said she found me. Although she never with held sex so maybr it means she did find me that attractive

[Irish Pride]

The irony is my ex gf was not the typical person I normally dated. She was tall 5'10" with long legs, short hair,  etc. She has an amazing smile and eyes. Now I find myself thinking I loved how tall she is and how long her legs are. Ugh. I tried in past to just be open tp whatever.  It also hurts that she downgraded with new man maybe thag means I wasnt as attractive as she said she found me. Although she never with held sex so maybr it means she did find me that attractive

Now your focus is off track. It simply doesn't matter what she thought of you. If your relationship is truly over, it doesn't matter. What matters is what YOU think of you. Cliche, but true. Break the hold. Remember that she has a disorder and there's NO WAY to interpret the way she thinks, how she thinks, what she thought, what she now thinks, who she's seeing, etc. No way.

She's not the only woman out there. There are plenty of nice, caring, loving women that are ready for you when the time is right.

[FannyB]

How can you separate the looks from the BPD? That's like saying 'I fancy her inspite of the genital warts'! You can think of her as a pretty girl who was ugly on the inside, and therefore not a good match for you. Surely after your BPD experience, you should value sanity over any physical attribute - that's if you're truly committed to the concept of a healthy LTR?   

[zundertowz]

Pornstars are hot that doesnt mean I wanna date one... .thats kinda the way I look at my ex.

[confusedinWI]

Irish, Fanny and Sunderland thank you helping to steer me straight.  Focus is on me now. Past stays in thr past. I have go find myself awesome before anyone healthy will as well or ill br right back here.

As for thr thinking you are right I can't interpret what they are thinking feeling etc. Its so random and inconsistent. 

Better to get myself healthy.

[dobie]

My x is a seven as she ages she will become a 6,5,4,3,2,1 

What's inside though that's always going to be the same 

[Irish Pride]

Irish, Fanny and Sunderland thank you helping to steer me straight.  Focus is on me now. Past stays in thr past. I have go find myself awesome before anyone healthy will as well or ill br right back here.

As for thr thinking you are right I can't interpret what they are thinking feeling etc. Its so random and inconsistent. 

Better to get myself healthy.

Now you're back on track! 

[myself]

Just keep remembering that that was then and this is now. Continue letting go of the past and embracing the present. When you meet someone new who's incredible both inside and out you won't even need a pedestal.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I saw an article somewhere where someone guessed 50%+ of actresses, actors, and strippers have some type of pd.  Maybe a little high, but certainly fits with the diagnosis.  I still have a very hard time with  s and beautiful women - I tend to ignore the flags, and man have I been destroyed by some hot girls.  One in particular where I moved from the first disaster right into the disastrous rebound because she was so beautiful.  I have to think there are some healthy pretty girls out there - still looking.  But I probably need to examine my own issues and start looking in healthier places if I'm going to find them.  Trying to stay away from the bars/clubs/events/scenes.

[dagwoodbowser]

I'm worried that because right now I have her physical looks on a pedestal (when I've had three people ask me what I was thinking or they were surprised by her because she didn't seem my type) that in the future I don't want to be superficial and just judge by looks and have my ex as the comparative person.

Confused: I was reading the post and I was trying to see if I could help both you and I get some clarity? Your post is titled "My fear of going forward" but most of what I've read says that you feel the odds or chances of ever meeting a tall, lethal Nikita such as your X are slim to none. So, if I understand correctly you're reluctant to move forward and let go of the Image that seems to be ingrained? Is that what your holding onto or is it the fear you wont meet someone like her again?

[zundertowz]

I saw an article somewhere where someone guessed 50%+ of actresses, actors, and strippers have some type of pd.  Maybe a little high, but certainly fits with the diagnosis.  I still have a very hard time with  s and beautiful women - I tend to ignore the flags, and man have I been destroyed by some hot girls.  One in particular where I moved from the first disaster right into the disastrous rebound because she was so beautiful.  I have to think there are some healthy pretty girls out there - still looking.  But I probably need to examine my own issues and start looking in healthier places if I'm going to find them.  Trying to stay away from the bars/clubs/events/scenes.

Pornstars 100 percent!  Staying away from the bar and club scene is a must... .that hot girl thats all over you at 2am in the bar or club is probably not gonna make a great wife.

[confusedinWI]

Dagwood im afraid in future I will be stuck on if I have that crazy physical attraction thwt I had with the ex. Before her abd when I first met looks were only part of it. I was attracted to her at first yea but nowhere as near as im making out her looks now.

I don't want to pass up good people in the future.  That and I still feel stuck for her validation

[dagwoodbowser]

Dagwood im afraid in future I will be stuck on if I have that crazy physical attraction thwt I had with the ex.

I don't want to pass up good people in the future.

Think that's it's great you're already looking into the future. But as Ekhart Tolle says "The past is gone and you cant live in the future. The only thing that counts is The Present." I would say it's probably a little soon to be thinking about the next Femm Fatal... .. Get over this one. As I've been researching I've read that it usually takes 12 to 24 months to be completly healed and ready for another healthy relationship. Maybe longer for the ptsd suffered from a BPD fiasco? I know I'm not going to jump into anything till I know I'm complete and ready for the next person in my life. It will all come together. Heal, get better first.