Venting: Does recovery from r/s w/ BPD person make you wonder if you're BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does anyone here feel that during the post-BPD break-up that you feel like you are the borderline?  I mean, my T of 10 years insists that there is nothing about me that is borderline; however, I just have this running thought of maybe it was just me and he ran?  

After reading much about BPD, it seems that most people with this disorder cling to relationships?  With mine, it was push-pull from day one and he was never really “in” the relationship but strung me along to believe that it was developing over a slow period of time.  At some point, his push-pull behavior, black / white approach and heaven / hell attitude made my head spin on a daily basis and our interactions were very much a rollercoaster.  I viewed it as maybe he was working through the grieving phases of his divorce and “of course” he would be all over the map.  His adult son worked for me for a few months and slowly but surely I realized that it was the equivalent of sending in someone to keep tabs on me, my daily appointments, my personal life, et cetera. It was similar to a child in Hitler’s Youth Camp.  My ex-BPD advised me that he “trusted no one” and that this had been present in his life for a very long time.  Unbeknownst to me, his “adult son” had a desire to keep his father from having any significant other as he wanted his father’s sole attention.   This apparently has been his lifelong habit of interfering with “all” of his father’s relationships. Apparently, based on my conversations with my ex-BPD, his son told him some huge lies about me, all of which were controverted with actual facts—he knew this and admitted that his son had some “sociopathic” tendencies which have been a concern for him since his son was a small child.   After his son was caught snooping into my emails, phone, text messages, et cetera I discussed this with my ex-BPD and advised him that I had no choice but to terminate his son’s employment.  This was an incredibly difficult choice for me to make knowing that the backlash would likely destroy our supposedly developing relationship.  At the end of December, my exBPD informed me that he was blocking his son from his life—that was 4 months ago.   I have this gnawing feeling that he painted me black and his son white.  Very stranger Jerry Springer episode from a person that I thought had great character.  Now, it seems to me that my exBPD used me to get through his divorce and then dumped me like a bad habit.  It just hurts to be blatantly used and I question why I accepted the crumb trail.  Maybe I had / have such a strong desire to be loved that I accepted nonsense and didn’t just simply walk away earlier.  

After reading about BPD, it seems that most people with this disorder cling to relationships whereas mine pursued me slowly with an odd push-pull and intermittent reinforcement.  In turn, his push-pull mixed messages made me a tad clingy (highly unusual for me) and inquisitive about what the heck was going on as I felt stuck in limbo like I couldn’t move on but I couldn’t stay either—it was hugely confusing.  This is not like some of the BPD stories where the BPD is in hot pursuit; and, it seems as if he was fully capable of walking away without so much as a thought or care.  I just can’t reconcile this as it doesn’t compute.  I had let go of any thought of us having an actual relationship but he threw the baby out with the bathwater as there were no gray areas for him.  As for me, I am capable of having a friendship with someone after a relationship has ended.  I don’t know if I will ever understand any of what happened but now I just hide away from the world in my little protective shell.  I need to get out and start getting back to a normal existence but right now I just find myself being a hermit and hiding from the world.  I don’t want to stay in this rut.  Part of the hiding from the world is that my mind is so –pre-occupied that I end up saying huh and what to people when they are talking to me as my mind is in a fog.  It’s almost like I have gone on a big time out.  Is this remotely normal?  My therapist advises me that it is a normal part of the grieving process but it doesn’t feel so normal.  I just worry that I will never return to my usual life.

I guess I needed to get this off my chest.  Has anyone else felt this way?

[Olivia_D]

Does anyone here feel that during the post-BPD break-up that you feel like you are the borderline?  I mean, my T of 10 years insists that there is nothing about me that is borderline; however, I just have this running thought of maybe it was just me and he ran?  

After reading much about BPD, it seems that most people with this disorder cling to relationships?  With mine, it was push-pull from day one and he was never really “in” the relationship but strung me along to believe that it was developing over a slow period of time.  At some point, his push-pull behavior, black / white approach and heaven / hell attitude made my head spin on a daily basis and our interactions were very much a rollercoaster.  I viewed it as maybe he was working through the grieving phases of his divorce and “of course” he would be all over the map.  His adult son worked for me for a few months and slowly but surely I realized that it was the equivalent of sending in someone to keep tabs on me, my daily appointments, my personal life, et cetera. It was similar to a child in Hitler’s Youth Camp.  My ex-BPD advised me that he “trusted no one” and that this had been present in his life for a very long time.  Unbeknownst to me, his “adult son” had a desire to keep his father from having any significant other as he wanted his father’s sole attention.   This apparently has been his lifelong habit of interfering with “all” of his father’s relationships. Apparently, based on my conversations with my ex-BPD, his son told him some huge lies about me, all of which were controverted with actual facts—he knew this and admitted that his son had some “sociopathic” tendencies which have been a concern for him since his son was a small child.   After his son was caught snooping into my emails, phone, text messages, et cetera I discussed this with my ex-BPD and advised him that I had no choice but to terminate his son’s employment.  This was an incredibly difficult choice for me to make knowing that the backlash would likely destroy our supposedly developing relationship.  At the end of December, my exBPD informed me that he was blocking his son from his life—that was 4 months ago.   I have this gnawing feeling that he painted me black and his son white.  Very stranger Jerry Springer episode from a person that I thought had great character.  Now, it seems to me that my exBPD used me to get through his divorce and then dumped me like a bad habit.  It just hurts to be blatantly used and I question why I accepted the crumb trail.  Maybe I had / have such a strong desire to be loved that I accepted nonsense and didn’t just simply walk away earlier.  

After reading about BPD, it seems that most people with this disorder cling to relationships whereas mine pursued me slowly with an odd push-pull and intermittent reinforcement.  In turn, his push-pull mixed messages made me a tad clingy (highly unusual for me) and inquisitive about what the heck was going on as I felt stuck in limbo like I couldn’t move on but I couldn’t stay either—it was hugely confusing.  This is not like some of the BPD stories where the BPD is in hot pursuit; and, it seems as if he was fully capable of walking away without so much as a thought or care.  I just can’t reconcile this as it doesn’t compute.  I had let go of any thought of us having an actual relationship but he threw the baby out with the bathwater as there were no gray areas for him.  As for me, I am capable of having a friendship with someone after a relationship has ended.  I don’t know if I will ever understand any of what happened but now I just hide away from the world in my little protective shell.  I need to get out and start getting back to a normal existence but right now I just find myself being a hermit and hiding from the world.  I don’t want to stay in this rut.  Part of the hiding from the world is that my mind is so –pre-occupied that I end up saying huh and what to people when they are talking to me as my mind is in a fog.  It’s almost like I have gone on a big time out.  Is this remotely normal?  My therapist advises me that it is a normal part of the grieving process but it doesn’t feel so normal.  I just worry that I will never return to my usual life.

I guess I needed to get this off my chest.  Has anyone else felt this way?

[LonelyChild]

I am going through the exact same thing right now. After 2.5 years with my uBPDxgf, I find myself more and more convinced that I'm the pwBPD. My T says there is no way that I'm pwBPD, and she is definitely pwBPD (even heard it from her own doctor, though she is uBPD). My ex is currently locked up in a psych ward for over a month. Despite this, I'm questioning myself on it.

My T once said "the mere fact that you are questioning yourself in regards to BPD almost guarantees that you are not."

[Achaya]

The stuff I read about BPD that has been written by professionals conveys a slightly different picture than what the romantic partners are reporting on this site and elsewhere. I suspect that pwBPDs operate differently with mental health professionals than they do in their families. From the professional writing, I got the picture of a very dependent individual who never lets go of a relationship. They mention "push/pull" relating, but that hardly captures what I experienced, or what has been reported by others on this board. With romantic partners, pwBPD apparently come on strong then start to retreat as soon as the partner is fully engaged, then leave the relationship abruptly not long after.

From the professional writing I also got the picture of the "raging borderline," which apparently is indeed the dominant way the disorder presents, as a person who rages during devaluations of the partner. I doubted whether my ex even had the BPD diagnosis, because she is quiet and controlled, and when she was out of the relationship emotionally, she remained conflict avoidant. She did give herself leeway to be extremely passive-aggressive, however, including sarcasm, eye-rolling, silent withholding and so on.

The first I knew that pwBPD tend to fade out quickly in a relationship, then discard the partner, was when I first visited this site.I think that the mental health professionals should check out what people are writing here, because it is we, the present and former partners, who know what BPD actually does to someone's ability to have a relationship that works and lasts.

I don't think that I have BPD, because I am stable in my affections, my pursuit of goals, and my job. I do, however, see in myself significant ways that my relating style is not normal. It appears like I grew up learning how to give disturbed people what they think they need, instead of learning how to be normal in relationships. I don't think I would go into another relationship if I knew beforehand the other person was diagnosed with a personality disorder. But I certainly don't trust myself to stay out of that kind of attraction if I am not specifically forewarned.

[Olivia_D]

My T says there is no way that I'm pwBPD. My T once said "the mere fact that you are questioning yourself in regards to BPD almost guarantees that you are not."

LonelyChild: My T said almost word for word what your T said.  She advised that a person with a personality disorder does not have the emotional skills for introspection and certainly do not take ownership, responsibility, or have any remorse over their part of a relationship; nor do they ever stop to question whether they have a personality disorder.  She advised that she has spent 40 years counseling those in or after the end of a PD relationship and the common thread is that the non-PD person is fearful of having a PD.  She said to me, I have been your T for 10 years and don't you think I would have noticed a PD in a decade?  And, she added, a PD person wouldn't have stayed in counseling for a decade in counseling as they go, get validated, and immediately go on to their next pursuit, if they ever go to T at all. 

[Olivia_D]

The stuff I read about BPD that has been written by professionals conveys a slightly different picture than what the romantic partners are reporting on this site and elsewhere. TRUE!

The first I knew that pwBPD tend to fade out quickly in a relationship, then discard the partner, was when I first visited this site.I think that the mental health professionals should check out what people are writing here, because it is we, the present and former partners, who know what BPD actually does to someone's ability to have a relationship that works and lasts. ABSOLUTELY AGREE

I don't think that I have BPD, because I am stable in my affections, my pursuit of goals, and my job. I do, however, see in myself significant ways that my relating style is not normal. It appears like I grew up learning how to give disturbed people what they think they need, instead of learning how to be normal in relationships.[/[/b]quote]

Achaya, From what I hear, PD people do not stay in therapy long enough for them to have ongoing data about the disorder; however, based on what my T tells me, a bulk of her practice is treating people that have been or are in relationships with PD people.

I am also very stable.  I am consistent in word and actions, I say what I mean and mean what I say, I am loyal to a fault and very consistent with my affection, I have pursued long terms goals such as getting my doctorate, running my own business, raising two (healthy) daughters on my own, I have taken care of my gravely ill brother for 10 years, I have maintain long-term friendships (some since middle school and high school), I don't burn bridges, et cetera.  However, I also know that I am a caretaker and tolerate too much for too long because I suffer from "terminal niceness" (quote from a gf of mine).  Somewhere along the line I put myself last in line and put other people before me.  It hasn't served me well as there are some very selfish people in this world that bank on that niceness.  My picker is very broken.

[valet]

Yes, but you probably aren't a pwBPD if you've introspected to that point.

[PaintedBlack28]

I thought occasionally that I had co-dependent and borderline traits. It's just the mess one is left in,   completely disorientated.

I guess we were all chosen because the borderline preferred our personality so we could be a pseudo parent to them. They also noticed we were vulnerable but definitely wouldnt have chosen us if we we've had been "defective". They prefer strong personalities to carry them through life.

[Olivia_D]

Painted B, That's another good point.  My T said, well if it's any solace to you, you can take it as a compliment that a PD person chose to have a relationship with you as they are seeking qualities in another person which they wish to have within themselves.  They wish to derive an identity from you; but, then they also want to devalue or destroy those qualities in you which is what attracted them to you in the first place.  Ugh.

[hope2727]

It sure did for me. I sought out a Phd psychologist who's area of interest is BPD and went faithfully. I realized I have a father (estranged) who is most likely BPD. I have siblings who I have always known are not "normal" and neither am I. I recognize the traits in myself now and although I am not a pwBPD I have some BPD tendencies ( also some co-dependant ones). So with constant vigilance and ongoing work I continue to grow and work on myself.

The difference is that I can recognize the traits and mend them. My pwBPD can't even admit to himself that he has a problem. In case you didn't get the 'memo' according to him its all my fault. Oh well.

One of the most amazing things in this journey for me is recognizing that I attract and am attracted to disordered people. They are my barometer for normal. I find regular people boring and dull. So now I am looking for a boring and dull man to build a life with. What can I say I want to try "normal" for a bit. 

Hugs and support to you. Its the journey not the destination.   

[Olivia_D]

It sure did for me. I sought out a Phd psychologist who's area of interest is BPD and went faithfully. I realized I have a father (estranged) who is most likely BPD. I have siblings who I have always known are not "normal" and neither am I. I recognize the traits in myself now and although I am not a pwBPD I have some BPD tendencies ( also some co-dependant ones). So with constant vigilance and ongoing work I continue to grow and work on myself.

The difference is that I can recognize the traits and mend them. My pwBPD can't even admit to himself that he has a problem. In case you didn't get the 'memo' according to him its all my fault. Oh well.

One of the most amazing things in this journey for me is recognizing that I attract and am attracted to disordered people. They are my barometer for normal. I find regular people boring and dull. So now I am looking for a boring and dull man to build a life with. What can I say I want to try "normal" for a bit. 

Hugs and support to you. Its the journey not the destination.   

Hope, I will take boring all day long. I, too, attract PD people as I have many maternal /nurturing qualities; couple this with not being able to recognize healthy from a mile away and it welcomes the PD people like a moth to a flame. My picker is broken. I just want a decent human being. For now, I snuggle with my dog (she's a great listener,  too).

[ThanksForPlaying]

One of the most amazing things in this journey for me is recognizing that I attract and am attracted to disordered people. They are my barometer for normal. I find regular people boring and dull. So now I am looking for a boring and dull man to build a life with. What can I say I want to try "normal" for a bit. 

I've come to realize through therapy that I'm a fairly successful businessman but I enjoy giving away my money and time to BPD headcases ha.  I don't get excited by or attracted to "boring" girls but I now know those are the normal girls that I want.

My problem is,  my own lack of enthusiasm generally turns off the normal girls, and for some reason I'm a more exciting person when I'm around BPD.

Bpd girls love me, normal girls don't - in my own head.  This may not be true, as I haven't really been around normal girls a lot in the past 5-6 years.

You can start to see though how this becomes confusing.  Because I act more outgoing around BPDs and more conservative around nons, I start to think maybe I'm the one who has BPD and brings these people into my life. Maybe I'm mirroring people.

I'm "only" going on two BPD relationships in a row - I've dated normal girls - but these two have me questioning my own situation.

I think the only reality check for me is that I don't have many of the BPD diagnosis symptoms (although we all have one or two).

The recovery for both the non and the BPD in a relationship is actually very similar. Dbt therapy can help both. The difference is the non can usually benefit from it, while the BPD can't.

[Invictus01]

I started to wonder about the same thing... .Start looking at a whole lot of things and going - maybe *I* was the one who was off mentally?

[Mutt]

I think the only reality check for me is that I don't have many of the BPD diagnosis symptoms (although we all have one or two).

Possession of a personality trait found in a personality disorder does not necessarily mean you have a personality disorder.

In psychology, personality refers to the pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviors, consistently exhibited by an individual over a long period of time, that strongly influences the way that individual perceives the world and himself/herself. Personality is a complex combination of traits and characteristics that determines our expectations, self-perceptions, values and attitudes, and predicts our reactions to people, problems and stress. Personality is not just who we are, it is also how we are.

We all have personality traits and characteristics, although psychologists differ in the number of personality characteristics that appear to be distinct and unique. The degree to which we exhibit a specific personality trait varies from person to person. Some personality traits have biological roots, but all are influenced by our environment, especially our family relationships. Consequently, the millions of possible combinations of personality traits, in varying degrees, accounts for the unique individuality we all possess, but the relatively small number of different personality traits also explains why there are so many similarities between groups of people.

Possession of a personality trait found in a personality disorder does not mean that you have a personality disorder. We possess many traits in common with others, but we are all different. A personality disorder refers to a pattern of thoughts, feelings and behavior, consistently exhibited by an individual over a long period of time, that is maladaptive because it creates psychological distress and life coping problems, rather than assisting with life adjustment and problem solving.

The DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition) defines a personality disorder as "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress and impairment."

www.psychologyinfo.com/problems/personality.html

[Olivia_D]

Thanks Mutt. T thinks his projections have twisted me up a bit and thrown me off where I question everything, which T attributed to PTSD triggers. 

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear that  I had PTSD triggers too from emotional trauma.  It took time and I feel better and I also thought I had BPD from her projections and dissociations. I had a hard time trying to make sense of what was real from what she was saying and how she was altering reality.

To be honest there are some things I can't recall the details on because things where changed around so often. It also takes time for the FOG to dissipate after a break-up. For a time she had me convinced and I felt guilt of things that I didn't do, they were projected actions and I did think at one point in the r/s I was going crazy.

[gomez_addams]

Does anyone here feel that during the post-BPD break-up that you feel like you are the borderline?  

Yes.  I wonder myself.

More likely that we are people that require high levels of validation, and in the initial stages we got that in spades. 

Although we (not everyone, but some of us) require lots of validation, that doesn't make us BPD.  It just makes us attracted to being painted white.

Just my two cents.

Gomez