I want to let it go bro but I can't I can't I love her
You can still love someone and not be in love with them or be with them. Is it you can't let go or you don't want to?
I've not contacted her but I can't let go I just can't I love her so damm much I've tried I've gone to therapy I've drunk till I passed out I've chased woman 12 plus I love this broken doll with every oucnce of me with all my sweat my blood my soul
Is it because you see her as broken that you love her, because it gives you something to fix?
I don't know how to detach from my first and last love There is an endless stream of advice and wisdom on how to detach here, along with many book references; are you just not paying attention? How bad do you want it dobie; how about focusing on a future love, a sustainable, empowering love, with someone you haven't met yet, instead of convincing yourself this one is your last love?
I was being dramatic I was also "loaded" when I wrote that yes I've read book after book , watched video after video and I realise this has much more to do with me my childhood and my foo than her .
My T thinks it could take years to fix my issues and I just don't feel like I have that time its like the whole world is falling apart
I don't have any hope of ever being in love or finding a love I realise that's pessimistic but I feel cold inside and walled off to ever letting a woman into my life in that capacity again
I have childhood issues with intamaciy and engaging and she just broke the damm after I let her close I confessed this to her just before we split up that I felt finally I could open up fully that I was always unable to but that I trusted her she told me I could and she would never leave me
Month later by by
I am reading a book right now called
When Misery is Company by Anne Katherine. It was recommended on an fb discussion group I am part of. At first I didn't relate to the idea of being "addicted to misery", as she describes it, but if you think of an addiction as "anything you do in order to not feel something else" then yes.
The basic idea is that for people with a certain type of FOO dynamic (typically one critical angry parent, and one passive parent who is either unwilling or unable to defend themselves and/or the child against the abuse) it just isn't safe to be happy, successful, and/or pursue what you like instead of what your family likes. There are all kinds of emotions tied into this, like shame and anger (including anger at the passive parent for not protecting you, which can be hard to acknowledge, certainly is for me), and the book provides detailed instructions on how to change your relationship with these emotions.
The really interesting thing to me is that unlike other addictions, where there is clearly one substance or process involved, misery addiction is addiction to a system, and there is not one clear addictive substance or process.
! At various times I've used achievement, shopping, alcohol, pseudo-intimacy (a new term to me, but when I read the definition I knew I'd done this: joining a group where you feel like you belong, having a family, but the real emotionally intimate connections aren't there), Internet surfing, physical exercise, spirituality/self-help... .now some of the things I listed there could be healthy, the problem is I was doing them to "finally fix myself so I will be worthy of love" or in the case of school/work achievement "accomplish something objective, measurable and unarguable, so they will be forced by reason to accept me".
And when I stop all of those, it's this awful pummeling shame, constant, that I am not who I am supposed to be, I have not done what I'm supposed to have done, to "earn" love and acceptance. There are processes for shame in the book, which basically boil down to this: if you were shamed as a child, the shame doesn't belong to you. Are you willing to give it back to the person it belongs to?
I am bringing all of this up because it sounds like it might be relevant to the pain you are going through. Specifically learning methods of paying attention to your own emotions as they are triggered by current circumstances, and what those emotions are trying to communicate to you (could be old wounds coming up to be addressed). It's difficult, and I personally would not take anyone else's word literally, including your therapist, as to how long it's going to take. Nobody can predict that really. However, because we are dealing with actions and thoughts that counteract very strong survival instincts, it does take committed effort.
