such coldness

[dobie]

I was being dramatic I was also "loaded" when I wrote that yes I've read book after book , watched video after video and I realise this has much more to do with me my childhood and my foo than her .

Do us and yourself a favor, don't post if you're drunk, we don't know that and you won't hear what we have to say.  You might want to read those books again too, if you're still turning to the bottle to soothe.

My T thinks it could take years to fix my issues and I just don't feel like I have that time its like the whole world is falling apart



Remember therapists get paid by the hour, and it can take as long as you say it will.

I don't have any hope of ever being in love or finding a love I realise that's pessimistic but I feel cold inside and walled off to ever letting a woman into my life in that capacity again

We all felt that way.  Love and relationships are risky, and it's not about not taking the risk, it's about being smart about it next time, and after the education we all got in our relationships we can end up pretty damn smart.

I have childhood issues with intamaciy and engaging and she just broke the damm after I let her close  I confessed this to her just before we split up that I felt finally I could open up fully that I was always unable to but that I trusted her she told me I could and she would never leave me

Month later by by

Borderlines are triggered by intimacy so you opened up to the wrong girl, but good for you for doing it anyway.  We get better at everything we practice, so try opening up to a lot of people, the ones you trust, men especially; it's good practice plus if you get some really good friends that you can be open with in your life you won't be so dependent on a girlfriend for that.  Also, it's a great way to see who your real friends are: some will judge you, some won't reciprocate, some might be turned off and leave, but the good ones will stick with you through thick and thin.

I've found out I have no real friends after this BU tbh they have all been pretty c@@p

Luckily I have my brother .

I've had many r/s many women breakups etc  but I feel like some things died in me this time there's a coldness perhaps one day I won't feel this way I hope not anyhow .

[michel71]

Dobie. I totally know how you feel. I feel like something inside of me has died as well. When I met my uBPDw I thought that she was truly the one... .the one I had waiting all my life for. I was married two times before, different issues completely. My first wife just didn't like real intimacy and dumped me. My second wife turned out to be a complete drunk and I dumped her. I thought after all the pain in my life, including having a narc mother that I had finally found someone who understood me like no other. I thought that I had found my soul mate. I am completely devastated. This afternoon I am feeling very emotional and sad.

I cannot imagine being with another woman. I gave all my love, my body, my devotion and I feel my soul too to this woman who has treated me so terribly, so cruely. I moved mountains for her. I gave her everything I had to give until she sucked me almost completely dry.I have nothing left inside of me. A hollow shell. I have love and warmth for my good friends and of course my daughter but I will never trust a woman again. NEVER. I'm done with the romantic part of my life.

[Mutt]

I can understand that. My ex partner changed what I defined as love; I think it's one that is unconditional and reciprocal. I think the coldness will dissipate in time.

[eeks]

I want to let it go bro but I can't I can't I love her

You can still love someone and not be in love with them or be with them.  Is it you can't let go or you don't want to?

I've not contacted her but I can't let go I just can't I love her so damm much I've tried I've gone to therapy I've drunk till I passed out I've chased woman 12 plus I love this broken doll with every oucnce of me with all my sweat my blood my soul



Is it because you see her as broken that you love her, because it gives you something to fix?

I don't know how to detach from my first and last love

There is an endless stream of advice and wisdom on how to detach here, along with many book references; are you just not paying attention?  How bad do you want it dobie; how about focusing on a future love, a sustainable, empowering love, with someone you haven't met yet, instead of convincing yourself this one is your last love?

I was being dramatic I was also "loaded" when I wrote that yes I've read book after book , watched video after video and I realise this has much more to do with me my childhood and my foo than her .

My T thinks it could take years to fix my issues and I just don't feel like I have that time its like the whole world is falling apart

I don't have any hope of ever being in love or finding a love I realise that's pessimistic but I feel cold inside and walled off to ever letting a woman into my life in that capacity again

I have childhood issues with intamaciy and engaging and she just broke the damm after I let her close  I confessed this to her just before we split up that I felt finally I could open up fully that I was always unable to but that I trusted her she told me I could and she would never leave me

Month later by by

I am reading a book right now called When Misery is Company by Anne Katherine.  It was recommended on an fb discussion group I am part of.  At first I didn't relate to the idea of being "addicted to misery", as she describes it, but if you think of an addiction as "anything you do in order to not feel something else" then yes. 

The basic idea is that for people with a certain type of FOO dynamic (typically one critical angry parent, and one passive parent who is either unwilling or unable to defend themselves and/or the child against the abuse) it just isn't safe to be happy, successful, and/or pursue what you like instead of what your family likes.  There are all kinds of emotions tied into this, like shame and anger (including anger at the passive parent for not protecting you, which can be hard to acknowledge, certainly is for me), and the book provides detailed instructions on how to change your relationship with these emotions.

The really interesting thing to me is that unlike other addictions, where there is clearly one substance or process involved, misery addiction is addiction to a system, and there is not one clear addictive substance or process.   !  At various times I've used achievement, shopping, alcohol, pseudo-intimacy (a new term to me, but when I read the definition I knew I'd done this:  joining a group where you feel like you belong, having a family, but the real emotionally intimate connections aren't there), Internet surfing, physical exercise, spirituality/self-help... .now some of the things I listed there could be healthy, the problem is I was doing them to "finally fix myself so I will be worthy of love" or in the case of school/work achievement "accomplish something objective, measurable and unarguable, so they will be forced by reason to accept me".

And when I stop all of those, it's this awful pummeling shame, constant, that I am not who I am supposed to be, I have not done what I'm supposed to have done, to "earn" love and acceptance.  There are processes for shame in the book, which basically boil down to this: if you were shamed as a child, the shame doesn't belong to you.  Are you willing to give it back to the person it belongs to? 

I am bringing all of this up because it sounds like it might be relevant to the pain you are going through.  Specifically learning methods of paying attention to your own emotions as they are triggered by current circumstances, and what those emotions are trying to communicate to you (could be old wounds coming up to be addressed).  It's difficult, and I personally would not take anyone else's word literally, including your therapist, as to how long it's going to take.  Nobody can predict that really.  However, because we are dealing with actions and thoughts that counteract very strong survival instincts, it does take committed effort.

[Infared]

Dobie... .at least you got an admission that she knew she has hurt you and an apology for doing so.  That is so, so, much more than I ever got, and I am sure that a lot of the people who come to this website have had the same experience or worse as I did.

I am not trying to minimize your pain, but at least she showed awareness of her actions and took responsibility for them... .she kind of had to ruin it by telling you how YOU need to feel to justify her actions (What the heck?), but at least you got some understanding from your ex.  I know it does not take away the loss or the pain, but perhaps that can help your ability to heal somewhat, find acceptance and move on.  

[Heartbroken Eagle]

This reminds me when I sent an email to my ex when all I asked for a reason why she cheated on me and the way she treated me the way she did.

She did not show any remorse or apologised. She justified her behaviour by saying that we was over. (Just forgot to tell me about it for months!). She also admitted she actually enjoyed humiliating me at the time and just got carried away... .

That really hit me hard. I thought I knew her after 12 years and believed she would be at least be sorry for her actions,  but seeing this monster in her full glory scared me.

This really hurts and probably held me back in my recovery!

[Infared]

This reminds me when I sent an email to my ex when all I asked for a reason why she cheated on me and the way she treated me the way she did.

She did not show any remorse or apologised. She justified her behaviour by saying that we was over. (Just forgot to tell me about it for months!). She also admitted she actually enjoyed humiliating me at the time and just got carried away... .

That really hit me hard. I thought I knew her after 12 years and believed she would be at least be sorry for her actions,  but seeing this monster in her full glory scared me.

This really hurts and probably held me back in my recovery!

Eagle... .I experienced something very similar to what you have been through... .as if for all those years she was faking who she actually was, and then when she let the monster out (actually who at least part of her really is), she reveled in it and enjoyed hurting and causing pain. The experience was quite traumatic for me, too.

[dobie]

This reminds me when I sent an email to my ex when all I asked for a reason why she cheated on me and the way she treated me the way she did.

She did not show any remorse or apologised. She justified her behaviour by saying that we was over. (Just forgot to tell me about it for months!). She also admitted she actually enjoyed humiliating me at the time and just got carried away... .

That really hit me hard. I thought I knew her after 12 years and believed she would be at least be sorry for her actions,  but seeing this monster in her full glory scared me.

This really hurts and probably held me back in my recovery!

That's awful mine displayed the same f u attitude but not anywhere as sociopathic as that mate !


My biggest shock was the I've not loved you for a year while sending me mixed signals over the year

The funny thing was I thought our r/s had got stronger the last year when I look back I see how in fact her behaviours and lack of caring and selfishness  were stronger than ever

It was truly a year of push and pull

Few weeks before she left she told me she was going to make more of an effort supporting me with my sick dad how I had my bday to look forward to etc

The sneak had been keeping it all inside for the whole time

That's when you feel you can't trust another person or even your self after something like that