Sadness

[Beach_Babe]

How do I come to terms knowing it was all a lie? This person id give my own life for, that I loved so much - never cared and does not miss me. I was discarded like trash, and they never looked back. 14 years. Im not even human to this person,just a cancer they are glad to be rid of. Not a single good memory of our time together


I can never trust anyone ever again

[Bassoutcast]

Hey Beach_Babe, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way.

I've come to believe that just as you can't blame a blind person for not being able to see, you can't blame a person with BPD for their lack of empathy - it's just a sense that isn't functioning properly in them.

We are talking about disabled people, and sure they can run a marathon to try and prove otherwise but deep down they are mentally ill and broken people. Their so-called numbness to their partner's pain comes from a deep-rooted defense mechanism that's there because feelings are very hard to navigate, it's not like a river that you can simply dam one side of it and only let out as much as you need, it's very hard to control them - especially to a person with such a disorder, so they prefer to block out those feelings because if they'll care for others, they'll have to care for THEMSELVES as well, and that's something most of them aren't capable of doing (unless going through years of therapy), and that's why we often take the role of the emotional caretaker in these types of r/s.

The need to paint you black is the only thing they CAN do in order to somehow "justify" their actions, I mean, how would you be able to live with yourself if you knew you've hurt someone who cares and love you so much? you wouldn't be able to live with the shame - and THAT'S why they do it, because by making you a monster, a villain, the root of all evil - they are able to somehow find validation to their actions, that would otherwise destroy them.

I also believe that's why recycles happen - if by any chance the made-up story in their head, where they play the little helpless victim, doesn't add up at some point - then the cracks reveal and they try to come back, maybe even feeling some sort of primitive regret, but then again this can only last until they've patched up the cracks and the mirror is once again intact, painted black, preventing them from seeing the real monster which is THEM.

You may feel hurt, it's only natural, but it's YOUR decision to trust again, and NO ONE can take that away from you. Sure, you need time to heal, we all do, and the longer the r/s the harder it is to let go, but it will happen someday and you will find happiness in other things, and most importantly - in yourself.

[Beach_Babe]

Thanks Bass. It took a long time to accept one of the beliefs that keep us stuck " thinking they saw things they way you do."  They do not, and depression is now setting in. I have given up on ever seeing, or hearing from him again. I know I will never get any  validation I mattered or closure. I am no longer in denial or bargaining. Doing better than before, seeing a T and working on me. Some days are still really bad though.

[Beach_Babe]

I don't want to "grieve" this or suffer anymore. Not when I know he felt no such thing for me. Just relief I am gone. Happiness and purpose at his great new job and life (= new supply). The mutual friend im sure will also always be his hero, and there to remind him he took out the trash.

[DyingLove]

I don't want to "grieve" this or suffer anymore. Not when I know he felt no such thing for me. Just relief I am gone. Happiness and purpose at his great new job and life (= new supply). The mutual friend im sure will also always be his hero, and there to remind him he took out the trash.

Sorry Beach, I'm right there with you.  You already know that.  I used to think the same: The person I was with was such a perfect individual for me that I would make sacrifices that I would never have believed possible.  Well, I did make two sacrifices out of three.  I flew on an airplane.  I was terrrified and never thought I would.  I dropped my entire life to be with her in her life.  The third, which may sound foolish right now, If she needed a heart transplant, I would have given her mine.  That's right, I would have sacrificed my life so that she may live.  But isn't that kinda what happened anyway?  I was barely alive after she took everything from me that she could.  I think now how stupid that would be, but it wouldn't be stupid for someone that loved me like the illusion of her did.  There is someone out there for you and for I. Believe it!

Time is gonna be your healer, I'm about 20 day N/C past you.  You will start feeling better, believe and have faith!  I have faith in you as well as believe in you.

[valet]

Hey Beach_Babe, I'm really sorry that you are feeling sad.

It does hurt when we are abandoned by a love one, and will almost certainly be a distressing and panic-inducing experience.

I think that the 'lie' that you are pointing out is the untruth that the relationship between you and your ex was functional. In reality it was quite disordered and irregular. This is almost impossible to see when we are caught up in the FOG; it is a by-product of the push/pull cycle, the adoration and devaluation phases of the relationship that you were in.

In other words, it is a mutual lie that both of you partook in, and that both of you are responsible for to a certain degree. Him for not having more adequate coping mechanisms for stress, and engulfment/abandonment fears; you for enabling his use of these harmful mechanisms.

There is a lot to be learned from a relationship with a pwBPD. It takes a lot of courage and strength to look inward at ourselves, but it is possible. Hold firm to your values and principles. Stick to your plan. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Beach_Babe]

Dying:thanks for that. How are you today?

valet: I accept ive been discarded. I know he is disordered, and cannot accept responsibility for his part. I guess im just sad he feels no sadness im gone. Even if things were dysfunctional after 14 years wouldnt that be only human to miss someone even a little? We were so close.

I should add the psychiatrist noted he had "strong narcissistic tendencies" but said if he gave a comorbid diagnosis the insurance would not pay. Doesn't that essentially mean "no hope"?

[leftconfused]

I love what Bass had to say.  Spot on! 

I also feel like you, wondering if I will ever trust again.  I am usually a pretty trusting person and this whole experience sure has me questioning that now.  It will probably be tough for anyone to break through now because I will be on the look out for any red flags and will sever the relationship at the first sign.  Looking back I knew very early on something wasn't right.  There were red flags on the first date that I overlooked.  That will NEVER happen again.  As others have stated though, I do think there is someone out there for us and this experience, I think, will help us be an even better partner for our future partners.  For me, patience has always been an issue for me and man have I learned a lot of patience this past year!  I try to focus on the positive outcomes as much as possible, it really helps. 

The depression will abate.  I was there not too long ago myself.  Not getting out of bed for weeks, well beside to get up for work.  I feel like I've gotten past that, at least for now.  I know it can be a rollercoaster, but I'm hopeful that I've been through the worst of it and I know you will get there too!  Keep your head up and just keep moving forward!   

[Beach_Babe]

leftconfused: what early red flags did you see?

[leftconfused]

BB - I am almost embarrassed to say.  On the first date he told me the reason his last relationship didn't work out was because he called her a C U Next Tuesday and took her car and left her at the bar!        UGH.  I should have said goodnight and moved on right there. 

[Beach_Babe]

Dont feel bad. Mine  rocked back and forth. Dunno. I just thought he was autistic.

[Beach_Babe]

I accept its over. All I wanted was some validation I mattered. I never will.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Beach Babe,

I am sorry that you have been feeling sad.    The way that relationships end with pwBPD can be very dramatic and it is understandable that you would feel sad and grieve.

Not when I know he felt no such thing for me. Just relief I am gone. Happiness and purpose at his great new job and life (= new supply). The mutual friend im sure will also always be his hero, and there to remind him he took out the trash.

I know that it feels that your ex seems like he is happy, but deep down disordered people are never truly happy. Many pwBPD have a large amount of self-loathing, self-hatred, and inherent shame. A pwBPD will hate themselves more than you ever could. All of the indifference and coldness are maladaptive coping mechanisms. How could anyone truly be happy with all of those issues?

Think of it this way, you have the ability to get through this very tough period of your life and emerge as a stronger, healthier, and happier person. Without treatment, your ex has a very low probability for a truly happy, healthier, and stable life.

[Invictus01]

Dying:thanks for that. How are you today?

valet: I accept ive been discarded. I know he is disordered, and cannot accept responsibility for his part. I guess im just sad he feels no sadness im gone. Even if things were dysfunctional after 14 years wouldnt that be only human to miss someone even a little? We were so close.

I should add the psychiatrist noted he had "strong narcissistic tendencies" but said if he gave a comorbid diagnosis the insurance would not pay. Doesn't that essentially mean "no hope"?

That is why in many cases, the psychiatrist misdiagnoses a personality disorder - insurance won't pay. However, I think it would be easier for a non to walk away... .or drag yourself away... .when you are told that you are dealing with a NPD rather than a BPD because while the root cause and side effects are the same, a NPD is basically an emotional predator who is toying with the prey for $h!ts and giggles.

As far as "no hope" - to be honest, I think no matter what kind of personality disorder it is, there is no hope for a "normal" relationship. And at that point... .why get involved in one like that at all?

[dobie]

I accept its over. All I wanted was some validation I mattered. I never will.

You do matter beach ! You don't need him to validate you . he is a mentally ill person with none of the same skill sets we have . you might as well ask a dog to speak English 

Your a great person , you need to realise that ive known you "five minutes" and i already do    is your T helping you build back up your self esteem ? Being in a LTR with a NARC is one of the most abusive and damaging r/s types one can endure from what I've read and been studying. go easy on you my friend be proud of the strength you had and have to endure such a  r/s

Your awesome 

[DearBFF]

Beach_Babe, so sorry you are feeing down... . 

I truly believe you cannot know what he is thinking.  You can assume based on his actions, but I have learned that actions/thoughts do not always line up not to mention that with a BPD person, they're likely to change their mind very quickly.  Please don't beat yourself up, it really is not you!  Make yourself a list of happy and then go do them... .from silly to ridiculous, whatever works, you deserve to have some fun!

[Beach_Babe]

EaglesJuju: Thank you!  What has been your experience? Has your partner responded at all to therapy?

Invictus01: The psychiatrist essentially said he was comorbid BPD/npd, but wouldnt diagnose npd part. His insurance paid for dbt, with a BPD diagnosis. Add npd tho and no pay. The BPD alone maybe I could have handled, its the npd part I was in denial about. I know BPDs have empathy and feel shame they just are so overwhelmed with emotions they can't control themselves. But this felt different. I got the feeling he almost enjoyed hurting me,  and it was deliberate. Not characteristic of a BPD right? The odds of him shamelessly returning, however are relatively high IF he needs something again. But who wants to be a temporary bandaid? Hitting bottom again could take years do I want to really wait? NPDs do not care and do not miss you. I should also add quite a lot of narcissistic injury took place thanks to the mutual friend so its possible he is gone for good. A blessing I am sure, but a painful one. How are you today?

[ZeusRLX]

This is so tough. I went through hell trying to recover from something that lasted a year and in your case it was 12 years... .

So sorry.

As far as your questions... .as far as everything being a lie... .it hurts really bad the first time, I know.

I think just talking about it, doing therapy and giving yourself time... .with time the pain gets less and less. But it took me years so it's not easy the first time.

As far as not trusting people, for myself I decided that I don't not trust anyone but not in a way that gives power to my previous exes because that's not helpful.

I just choose to be very vigilant and that's a good idea for all of us.

And also, keep in mind, if it happens again (it has to me many times), it doesn't hurt nearly as much.

First cut is the deepest.

So this is about as bad as it gets for you. That's the bad news but the good news is that it will get much, much better. Hang in there!

[Achaya]

  I dropped my entire life to be with her in her life.  The third, which may sound foolish right now, If she needed a heart transplant, I would have given her mine.  That's right, I would have sacrificed my life so that she may live.  But isn't that kinda what happened anyway? 

That's a very astute observation DL. I have been observing something similar in myself. I replaced myself with my ex at the center of my heart and mind. Now I am obsessed with her leaving me, so I still don't have room in my own thoughts for myself. Everybody has to rebuild a life after a breakup, but I feel like I need to resurrect a self---mine this time!

[Achaya]

I can never trust anyone ever again

BB, this conclusion implies that everyone out there is like your ex. If so, then he is "normal." Do you see how this means you are painting him white, letting him off the hook? He wasn't normal. There are a lot of men and women out there who are a lot more able to attach to a partner than he was. Discernment is what we need---being able to sort out who we can trust from who we can't. Distrusting everybody actually sets us up to get involved with others like your ex---because if we think he is like everybody else we can't see the differences we need to see.

[EaglesJuju]

EaglesJuju: Thank you!  What has been your experience? Has your partner responded at all to therapy?

My bf is an internalizing-dysphoric (waif) typology of BPD. He is very self aware and has told me in detail about his self-loathing and feelings after he engages in maladaptive behavior (he is an evil person who destroys everything). He has acted like  everything was "spectacular," but on the inside he was a broken person struggling day to day. Specifically, he told me that he "is a different person around others and adapts like a chameleon to be what people expect him to be."  

Yes, he has responded well to therapy. He still has moments where he dysregulates and is unstable, but he come a long way.

You mentioned that your ex has many NPD traits. Although it does not seem like it from their grandiose behavior, pwNPD have issues with self-loathing. If you pull down their façade of self-entitlement, you will see someone who is vulnerable with their self-esteem, envious, and  hypersensitive to criticism. Many pwNPD feel hollow and empty after being "criticized," although they do not tend to show it outwardly.

In short, both pwBPD and NPD are very unhappy people.

[Beach_Babe]

dobie: Thanks for the encouragement. You are an amazing person too! How are you feeling today, my friend?

DearBFF: Good point, I do not know what he is thinking. Is there anything you think you will do differently now that you are back together with your BPD?

Zeus: I don't know per se if its a "lie" maybe just a very skewed version of the truth, dunno. You say you were together a year, when did the devaluation kick in?

Achaya: My parents are an uBPD/unpd couple thus this type of thing is sadly "normal" to me. I guess I have a lot of work on myself to do.

Did yours leave you or are you leaving?

Eagles: Thats great your partner has responded to therapy. Mine goes, but only to complain how others mistreat him. Dunno. There seems to be no understanding of his contribution to things. How long has he been in therapy? Do you also attend couples counseling?

[Achaya]

Achaya: My parents are an uBPD/unpd couple thus this type of thing is sadly "normal" to me. I guess I have a lot of work on myself to do.

Did yours leave you or are you leaving?

My ex discarded me 5 weeks ago after several years of breakups and recycling. We were together about 5 years.

I have unpds in my family as well as alcoholism and emotional abuse. It's familiar to me too. I'm sorry, it does take a lot of work to get enough insight to change one's attractions. I have been in a lot of therapy about this issue and I am still making poor choices. I certainly hope you have more success and faster.   

I was involved with an unpd/sociopath many years ago. He ditched me as well after 4 years of cheating and vanishing and so on. He did call me 25 years later to explain that I was very important to him, and that all of his devaluing statements and behaviors were his attempts to run away from the intensity of his feelings for me. He gave enough evidence that I was able to believe him. It really helped me a lot to finally heal from that relationship. Funny thing is that, after he told me how much he cared then and made a bid to recycle, I no longer thought about him anymore. My lack of resolution was mostly about the devaluation and the crazy-making uncertainty about whether our feelings were mutual. Once that was settled for me I could finally let go. (Not that I was not suffering a whole lot after he left, but I still had the occasional sad dream about the hateful, rejecting way he dumped me, and my self-esteem took a hit).

Narcissists apparently do get attached in their own way, but they have no empathy at all for their partners.

[apollotech]

"This person id give my own life for, that I loved so much - never cared and does not miss me."

BB,

Let's examine this for a minute. You want validation and resolution as to whether or not your exSO cared for/about you. Were you able to trigger him? If yes, then he did indeed have a deep attachment to you; he cared, although, his actions may not seem to support that he cared. What you were exposed to, his actions, are the result of his maladapted/primitive coping mechanisms. Those could only be triggered by someone that he was deeply attached to.

[Beach_Babe]

Achaya: 25 YEARS? WOW! Thats incredible... .  the confirmation he did care. But if he was really a sociopath, though, wouldn't that simply have been a ploy?

apollotech: If he was so attached, how could I have been discarded so easily? I guess this is where I remain stuck.

[Achaya]

Achaya: 25 YEARS? WOW! Thats incredible... .  the confirmation he did care. But if he was really a sociopath, though, wouldn't that simply have been a ploy?

apollotech: If he was so attached, how could I have been discarded so easily? I guess this is where I remain stuck.

I think my exbf was just a mess. I know he was sociopathic because I learned that a few years ago he was convicted of fraud and conspiracy to commit fraud against the federal government. In addition, however, he went through a lot of therapy, was emotionally involved with the process, and obviously benefited from it. That probably means he is not pure sociopath. He certainly has NPD and maybe BPD as well.

I was sure that his outreach was a ploy, but he was able to provide me with some details about his previous attachment to me that assured me he had felt a lot more for me than he admitted during our time together. During the phone call he did attempt to recycle with me, after first admitting to me that he is still married to my replacement. He seemed to be testing out whether I would accept a position as his gf on the side, with his wife's knowledge. He in fact told me that it was his wife who found me on the internet and gave him my email address. He said she ended their sexual relationship years before he called me, and that she only dates women now. He obviously was not noticing that I made the same decision after he ended our relationship. LOL! I couldn't resist pointing that out, but he still didn't get what I was saying, that after being involved with him, women give up on men! LOL!

[apollotech]

"apollotech: If he was so attached, how could I have been discarded so easily? I guess this is where I remain stuck."

BB,

This is where you have to let go of yourself, what you know, what you expect. You have to live in his world for a bit. The problem(s) (for example, him so easily discarding you) don't exist in your world; they are only manifested in your world, experienced there. His dysfunction is his; don't accept it as your own; don't try to wrestle it from him. It is his; let him keep it.

Basically, change your perspective from yours to his. He very likely discarded you because he couldn't handle his own emotions/feelings towards you (This is where you have to accept that he has a mental disorder. That disorder was/is dictating his behaviors/actions. You are simply the recipient of those behaviors/actions.). IMVHO, the discard, abandonment, that you have experienced is due to his fear of engulfment. If you have seen this behavior with him regarding others in his life, ask yourself this, "was he strongly emotionally attached to them?" I will bet that he has never discarded Joe the mechanic, or Nancy Sue the waitress, or Elizabeth the physician, or Bob the builder, etc. In fact, those people have no earthly idea that this side of him exists.

It's not about you. It is about him. (Think about it BB, how much of y'alls relationship was about him?) I read your threads; I know that you struggle with what happened. I don't want to see you stuck; that's unhealthy for you. The dysfunction is his; let him shoulder that responsibility.

[DyingLove]

  I dropped my entire life to be with her in her life.  The third, which may sound foolish right now, If she needed a heart transplant, I would have given her mine.  That's right, I would have sacrificed my life so that she may live.  But isn't that kinda what happened anyway? 

That's a very astute observation DL. I have been observing something similar in myself. I replaced myself with my ex at the center of my heart and mind. Now I am obsessed with her leaving me, so I still don't have room in my own thoughts for myself. Everybody has to rebuild a life after a breakup, but I feel like I need to resurrect a self---mine this time!

Amen Achaya, I realize that I do have to rebuild myself too.  It's like bowling pins. Knocked down and gotta put 'em back up standing.  But each pin is kinda shaky.  I said and did a lot of foolish things. Being in love is like getting a dose of "stupid" at times.  I guess it's akin to thinking with the wrong head in a male too.  Lets face it, women are special creatures. There is nothing like a woman in life. They have a charm that can kill.  And the other parts can kill just as well!  But Lord knows, I love women. I also love my ex beyond belief.  Letting go is just so difficult/impossible.

[Beach_Babe]

Achaya:   .  That is CRAZY he actually told you all that. What was your response?

apollotech: He always went through a lot of friends, but always cried they left him. Strangely enough none of them were ever blocked or unfriended though Its like he had some strange respect for people that treated him like dirt (or so he said) and  abandoned him first. He seemed to get over it fairly quickly though. I just never thought id be one of those people. I guess I thought I was special  .

DyingLove: Interesting observation. The next time I start to miss him, please, can you whack me with of them bowlin pins?

[Achaya]

Achaya:   .  That is CRAZY he actually told you all that. What was your response?

I don't think I commented much on his wife's decision. I was sitting on the other end of the phone trying to understand why she would have ended the sexual side of their relationship but kept the rest. I would have done just the opposite. I thought the sex part was what was good about him. LOL!

I told him that if we were to attempt our relationship again he would have to be divorced first, as I was not going to be part of his stable next time. He said he assumed that, and realized he would have to do something about ending his marriage. Fortunately, by the time we had gotten through a few more phone calls, I decided that he hadn't changed all THAT much from the way he'd been before. Too much alcohol, some hard drugs, in addition to the odd marital arrangement. Thank God I came to my senses! There's nothing like talking to one of these crazy exes when you're not in love with them anymore!

My very best to you. I hope you are laughing as hard as I am about your situation in 25 years. Better yet, just start now!