Do you care about what your ex is doing day to day?

[DyingLove]

Well, I have no right to deny your reality, all I know is my truth. I believed I knew what love was, obviously or I wouldn't have married, but I also know I deserve someone well, who appreciates and values me, who doesn't abuse and manipulate me. I believe she can't do any better and for her, the crazy way she acted was her 'love', but it wasn't good enough for me. My ex was particularly unwell, so it's a story very personal to me as yours is to you.

You're right in that it's easier, especially a year out, for me, (others) who feels it was never 'love' as I understand it to me. If it was, yes, I'd be in turmoil. And while I believed that suffering=love I was in great turmoil.

Trog, I guess it boils down to PAIN IS PAIN. We all suffer, we all suffered.  I agree about what you deserve.  I deserve the same and I'll be bold enuff to say WE ALL DO.  I know that when I find that person, my past grief will be lifted.  I can't wait, but I know I'm still gonna be lovin' her.  It's all making us stronger for sure.  I enjoyed being in love with her.  Not only did I love her, I WAS IN LOVE with her.  I cannot say the same for her, but I was excited to see her when she got home and felt that "in love" feeling whenever I was around her.  Even when we were shopping, eg in Walmart, if I walked away and then saw her standing in the isle looking at something, I got that butterfly feeling in my gut, I would always walk over and do a PDA (nothing harsh), and she never resisted unless she was in "her moods".  So I know it hurts that much more. We've all got our stories and if we didn't there would be only one post on this site!  :-)

[dobie]

I hope she is suffering I doubt she is but she deserves it

She knows right from wrong she needs to pay for her nastiness not just to me but to all the guys she has used and the gfs she hurt by cheating with guys with gfs

I hope her father dies soon it will crush her and be the best thing for her the man is an evil influence and is just evil in general . plus her breakdown will cause her to get the treatment she needs and stop wrecking peoples lives .

[DyingLove]

I hope she is suffering I doubt she is but she deserves it

She knows right from wrong she needs to pay for her nastiness not just to me but to all the guys she has used and the gfs she hurt by cheating with guys with gfs

I hope her father dies soon it will crush her and be the best thing for her the man is an evil influence and is just evil in general . plus her breakdown will cause her to get the treatment she needs and stop wrecking peoples lives .

Wow Dobie.  I gotta say: Do others feel this way but just don't wanna say anything? I know that I get angry, being a human, I can must up some pretty nasty stuff.  Maybe you just have the guts to say it.  I was brought up not to say "certain" things, because it would come back on me.  I mean not that I want anyone to be deceased.  I want my ex to feel how I suffer, yes, but only to know What she has put me thru.  Boy, emotions can make us or break us.  Letting go of all this is so tough.

[AwakenedOne]

":)o you care about what your ex is doing day to day?"

No.

Caring about or even knowing what she is up to I don't feel is a healthy thing for me to be doing. No news is the best news.

[dobie]

I hope she is suffering I doubt she is but she deserves it

She knows right from wrong she needs to pay for her nastiness not just to me but to all the guys she has used and the gfs she hurt by cheating with guys with gfs

I hope her father dies soon it will crush her and be the best thing for her the man is an evil influence and is just evil in general . plus her breakdown will cause her to get the treatment she needs and stop wrecking peoples lives .

Wow Dobie.  I gotta say: Do others feel this way but just don't wanna say anything? I know that I get angry, being a human, I can must up some pretty nasty stuff.  Maybe you just have the guts to say it.  I was brought up not to say "certain" things, because it would come back on me.  I mean not that I want anyone to be deceased.  I want my ex to feel how I suffer, yes, but only to know What she has put me thru.  Boy, emotions can make us or break us.  Letting go of all this is so tough.

Dying I'm being geneorous in that wish believe me ... .I gave her every chance time and again to act like a decent human being ... .she just took it as an excuse to behave even worse .

I was not raised to just "forgive and forget" I was raised to act with the dictum of an eye for eye   so by  doing nothing  I have extended her a huge favour .

I am a forgiving person much more than the people who In my family , siblings , coisins , uncles father etc  but to do so  to really forgive requires the other to be contrite she cost me so much so so much .  I don't believe in my xs case she does not have the capacity for remorse she just chooses the darkness like I said in another post

Some c%%%py three line apology and further devaluation  via email after I reached out and tried a hundered times while being a  gentleman in all this is not remorse or an example of being "contrite ."

Her father is just as culpable in how she went out believe me , the man is a cancer .

[Trog]

I hope she is suffering I doubt she is but she deserves it

She knows right from wrong she needs to pay for her nastiness not just to me but to all the guys she has used and the gfs she hurt by cheating with guys with gfs

I hope her father dies soon it will crush her and be the best thing for her the man is an evil influence and is just evil in general . plus her breakdown will cause her to get the treatment she needs and stop wrecking peoples lives .

Wow Dobie.  I gotta say: Do others feel this way but just don't wanna say anything? I know that I get angry, being a human, I can must up some pretty nasty stuff.  Maybe you just have the guts to say it.  I was brought up not to say "certain" things, because it would come back on me.  I mean not that I want anyone to be deceased.  I want my ex to feel how I suffer, yes, but only to know What she has put me thru.  Boy, emotions can make us or break us.  Letting go of all this is so tough.

I've been where You are Dobie and it's just a process, there's not much anyone can say or do to speed it up. There's members of my exes family I really do not like but I don't go so far as to wish them ill but I get the sentiment. The pain you feel will get lighter and god does not pay debts in money. If there's a lesson for her to learn, life will present it to her. Her treatment of you was unkind.

[JayApril]

I don't care how she's doing and won't pretend to wish her the best. I will be delighted by any bad news and bad luck that comes her way and i've got my popcorn ready waiting for the next disaster she's due for.

I feel the same as well honestly, it is sad but... .I must tell the truth and shame the devil. When I hear bad news about my ex it makes me smile a litttle. I do care about what he does with my son though.

[dagwoodbowser]

Honestly I couldn't give a Ratz Butt. I already spent waay too much time waiting for her to get home drunk or from sneaking off somewhere to cheat on me or off getting high somewhere. Whatever she's doing I'm sure it's self serving and destructive. I dont even care who she does the horizontal bop with as i worried about that while we were living together. I'm soo done.

[dobie]

I hope she is suffering I doubt she is but she deserves it

She knows right from wrong she needs to pay for her nastiness not just to me but to all the guys she has used and the gfs she hurt by cheating with guys with gfs

I hope her father dies soon it will crush her and be the best thing for her the man is an evil influence and is just evil in general . plus her breakdown will cause her to get the treatment she needs and stop wrecking peoples lives .

Wow Dobie.  I gotta say: Do others feel this way but just don't wanna say anything? I know that I get angry, being a human, I can must up some pretty nasty stuff.  Maybe you just have the guts to say it.  I was brought up not to say "certain" things, because it would come back on me.  I mean not that I want anyone to be deceased.  I want my ex to feel how I suffer, yes, but only to know What she has put me thru.  Boy, emotions can make us or break us.  Letting go of all this is so tough.

I've been where You are Dobie and it's just a process, there's not much anyone can say or do to speed it up. There's members of my exes family I really do not like but I don't go so far as to wish them ill but I get the sentiment. The pain you feel will get lighter and god does not pay debts in money. If there's a lesson for her to learn, life will present it to her. Her treatment of you was unkind.

I sometimes think trog she will never learn and  is an avatar of Gods punishment. I was an a%%%e when I was younger to some of my gfs I was never unkind on purpose though esp when I ended things .

I was still a douche though . I also think if it were not for my own anger issues which in this r/s served as a defence against her devaluation , complaining and critisicms . I think  if I had been the really "nice guy" we see on these forums the abuses from that harpy would have been even worse .

Over six years as I matured became less selfish , more giving , less angry , less self centred , more attentive, more thoughtful , kinder , more invested in us  she got worse and worse .

Her father is an abuse pos that is what to her = love and a "real man" when I had a gf when I did not care if she dated other guys , when I was a bully, when I was selfish , depressed and distancing emotionally  and demanding all the things I'm not anymore she was eating out of my hand .

In fact in my r/s before her if u asked my x if I had BPD based on my behaviours I would probably be the diagnosed via the web . I'm not BPD

In fact I was such an assclown I sent her an email six years after we broke up to apologise for my behaviours and to tell her she was the best woman I ever met and that I was glad she got away from me

She replied "you are a psychopath and an ahole"

I was just  an immature , raging , selfish ,angry , anxious , depressed  a%%%e

Its why I'm still 50\50 with my x being pd or just like I was an a@@@e

[Tay25]

Thankfully no. Thinking about her would just hold me back. Full focus on myself for now.

[Trog]

I hope she is suffering I doubt she is but she deserves it

She knows right from wrong she needs to pay for her nastiness not just to me but to all the guys she has used and the gfs she hurt by cheating with guys with gfs

I hope her father dies soon it will crush her and be the best thing for her the man is an evil influence and is just evil in general . plus her breakdown will cause her to get the treatment she needs and stop wrecking peoples lives .

Wow Dobie.  I gotta say: Do others feel this way but just don't wanna say anything? I know that I get angry, being a human, I can must up some pretty nasty stuff.  Maybe you just have the guts to say it.  I was brought up not to say "certain" things, because it would come back on me.  I mean not that I want anyone to be deceased.  I want my ex to feel how I suffer, yes, but only to know What she has put me thru.  Boy, emotions can make us or break us.  Letting go of all this is so tough.

I've been where You are Dobie and it's just a process, there's not much anyone can say or do to speed it up. There's members of my exes family I really do not like but I don't go so far as to wish them ill but I get the sentiment. The pain you feel will get lighter and god does not pay debts in money. If there's a lesson for her to learn, life will present it to her. Her treatment of you was unkind.

I sometimes think trog she will never learn and  is an avatar of Gods punishment. I was an a%%%e when I was younger to some of my gfs I was never unkind on purpose though esp when I ended things .

I was still a douche though . I also think if it were not for my own anger issues which in this r/s served as a defence against her devaluation , complaining and critisicms . I think  if I had been the really "nice guy" we see on these forums the abuses from that harpy would have been even worse .

Over six years as I matured became less selfish , more giving , less angry , less self centred , more attentive, more thoughtful , kinder , more invested in us  she got worse and worse .

Her father is an abuse pos that is what to her = love and a "real man" when I had a gf when I did not care if she dated other guys , when I was a bully, when I was selfish , depressed and distancing emotionally  and demanding all the things I'm not anymore she was eating out of my hand .

In fact in my r/s before her if u asked my x if I had BPD based on my behaviours I would probably be the diagnosed via the web . I'm not BPD

In fact I was such an assclown I sent her an email six years after we broke up to apologise for my behaviours and to tell her she was the best woman I ever met and that I was glad she got away from me

She replied "you are a psychopath and an ahole"

I was just  an immature , raging , selfish ,angry , anxious , depressed  a%%%e

Its why I'm still 50\50 with my x being pd or just like I was an a@@@e

Hey Dobie

I'm ashamed, especially after being on the other end of it, how I treated one of my ex girlfriends. Certainly it wasn't anywhere near as bad or painful as I got from my ex but I know I really hurt this woman and she went to therapy because of me. So, I got taught a lesson in love myself. If I met that same girl now I would know far better how to treat her, because of how much my ex hurt me. No one likes to be taught a painful lesson, but the BPD relationship does mean I will treat other women far better and be with her for the right reasons as well as putting myself first instead of last.

This ex went NC on me and she never broke it. I've apologised to her, but I don't know she got it and she does right to steer clear of me after how I treated her. I have truly changed, ive been forced to look at myself, but she can't take that chance which is sad, she was very kind to me, and not disordered! I cheated on her with my exBPD, what a mistakatomaka.

She may well learn Dobie. People (as per me above), get the circumstances where they have the chances to learn the lessons they need to learn. I don't mean that in a karma/god way as much as you will naturally attract opportunities to learn because you haven't been able to handle it/learn the lesson. An example, I attracted this extreme BPD person because I was very unbalanced, an extreme caretaker and she gravitated toward me and me to her, if I hadn't been lacking she would not have been attracted and I'd not have tolerated it. We were perfect for each other, in that we filled one another's dysfunction perfectly. Now I am putting myself first, I'd never date the ex and different women will be attracted to me.

Your ex, unless they learn the lessons to deal with their pathologies will keep repeating the class/lesson until she gets it. BpDs rarely get it thou

[once removed]

"I remember when I first came here, the 'gift of BPD' (the idea that the BPD is holding a mirror to you and the pain in the learning/suffering about yourself that is forced by being in the relationship forces you to become a better/authentic/whole/happy person) made me want to puke."

well look, be kind to yourself. i read a member describe the idea of coming here and hearing the concept of "work on yourself" as similar to having had your baby die and someone telling you to identify your own role in that. i understand that. if one is new to this board, its likely a bad idea to tell them, can be painful for them to hear, can push them away from the board, its not necessarily conducive to healing. its generally a slow process, one that one gets around to as they are ready and comfortable, and thats how it should be. some members show up and paint their ex black, which prompts many members to try to hold up the mirror. sometimes it works, most of the time it doesnt.

like i said, its a process one should perhaps be led to, but ideally ought to reach on their own, when theyre ready.

"Well it was dead wrong, I've cheated myself out of so many things and made myself far poorer into the bargain."

it sounds like a cliche, but "the only one you can change is yourself" is a fact. its a proactive, empowering fact, if you let it be. for any member that arrives here, there are a multitude of reasons that working on yourself, realizing your role, whatever it was, is proactive. do we want to repeat the same mistakes? i assume not.

"It's right, this board is the only place where other people can truly understand. None of my friends or family really get it. They just roll their eyes and say 'why didn't you leave' or 'everyone could see it - why couldn't you' but I don't think they truly knew the level of my dysfunction or just how cruel and twisted my relationship was."

i count myself lucky in the sense that i feel like most of those close to me were understanding, and almost limitless in their patience. that said i dont think any of them have been through a BPD relationship and can understand and empathize on the level of those on this board. you know trog, even now, when i read about say, physically abusive relationships, i cannot relate, but i definitely feel that through my experience (which did not include physical abuse) that i can empathize. so much of it boils down to a: not knowing, not having any idea what youre getting into. long before my BPD relationship i loved psychology. absolutely zero of that prepared me. b: conditioning. these relationships can more or less train you to lose your sense of self. i just hope by this point you understand that these people cant necessarily understand. it can feel invalidating; theyre likely giving the best advice and help that they can. my process also taught me not to expect more than i could out of a person, especially a person i knew i couldnt expect more of. im hardly asking you not to share your experience with your loved ones, just to lower your expectations, and to count yourself lucky that you have the greatest support group in the world 

[once removed]

"Well, I have no right to deny your reality, all I know is my truth. I believed I knew what love was,"

if it helps, this is my reality too. i decided my ex was my first love, that i was in love with her, and vice versa. i feel differently now, and im detached to the point that i think i can see it accurately. the relationship, on both ends didnt and doesnt meet my definition of love. thats okay. for me its not psychological comfort or way of dismissing her, it just is what it is. none of that means members here didnt love their exes or vice versa, or that it wasnt the most loving relationship theyve ever experienced. i also dont dismiss what i experienced or what others experienced as "not real" or "an illusion"; on the contrary, it was very real, it was just not sustainable. and ultimately, to me, real love is sustainable.

[Trog]

"I remember when I first came here, the 'gift of BPD' (the idea that the BPD is holding a mirror to you and the pain in the learning/suffering about yourself that is forced by being in the relationship forces you to become a better/authentic/whole/happy person) made me want to puke."

well look, be kind to yourself. i read a member describe the idea of coming here and hearing the concept of "work on yourself" as similar to having had your baby die and someone telling you to identify your own role in that. i understand that. if one is new to this board, its likely a bad idea to tell them, can be painful for them to hear, can push them away from the board, its not necessarily conducive to healing. its generally a slow process, one that one gets around to as they are ready and comfortable, and thats how it should be. some members show up and paint their ex black, which prompts many members to try to hold up the mirror. sometimes it works, most of the time it doesnt.

like i said, its a process one should perhaps be led to, but ideally ought to reach on their own, when theyre ready.

"Well it was dead wrong, I've cheated myself out of so many things and made myself far poorer into the bargain."

it sounds like a cliche, but "the only one you can change is yourself" is a fact. its a proactive, empowering fact, if you let it be. for any member that arrives here, there are a multitude of reasons that working on yourself, realizing your role, whatever it was, is proactive. do we want to repeat the same mistakes? i assume not.

"It's right, this board is the only place where other people can truly understand. None of my friends or family really get it. They just roll their eyes and say 'why didn't you leave' or 'everyone could see it - why couldn't you' but I don't think they truly knew the level of my dysfunction or just how cruel and twisted my relationship was."

i count myself lucky in the sense that i feel like most of those close to me were understanding, and almost limitless in their patience. that said i dont think any of them have been through a BPD relationship and can understand and empathize on the level of those on this board. you know trog, even now, when i read about say, physically abusive relationships, i cannot relate, but i definitely feel that through my experience (which did not include physical abuse) that i can empathize. so much of it boils down to a: not knowing, not having any idea what youre getting into. long before my BPD relationship i loved psychology. absolutely zero of that prepared me. b: conditioning. these relationships can more or less train you to lose your sense of self. i just hope by this point you understand that these people cant necessarily understand. it can feel invalidating; theyre likely giving the best advice and help that they can. my process also taught me not to expect more than i could out of a person, especially a person i knew i couldnt expect more of. im hardly asking you not to share your experience with your loved ones, just to lower your expectations, and to count yourself lucky that you have the greatest support group in the world 

There's also the issue for me, not sure of this applies to others, but people around me are generally used to seeing me as strong or the provider. I have been so sane and reasonable and calm with everyone around me that it doesn't fit their model of me that I would fill to see my ex for what she was. However, my parents can see that I treat others far better than myself and this certainly led to my putting up with the relationship for so long

[peacefulmind]

"I remember when I first came here, the 'gift of BPD' (the idea that the BPD is holding a mirror to you and the pain in the learning/suffering about yourself that is forced by being in the relationship forces you to become a better/authentic/whole/happy person) made me want to puke."

well look, be kind to yourself. i read a member describe the idea of coming here and hearing the concept of "work on yourself" as similar to having had your baby die and someone telling you to identify your own role in that. i understand that. if one is new to this board, its likely a bad idea to tell them, can be painful for them to hear, can push them away from the board, its not necessarily conducive to healing. its generally a slow process, one that one gets around to as they are ready and comfortable, and thats how it should be. some members show up and paint their ex black, which prompts many members to try to hold up the mirror. sometimes it works, most of the time it doesnt.

like i said, its a process one should perhaps be led to, but ideally ought to reach on their own, when theyre ready.

"Well it was dead wrong, I've cheated myself out of so many things and made myself far poorer into the bargain."

it sounds like a cliche, but "the only one you can change is yourself" is a fact. its a proactive, empowering fact, if you let it be. for any member that arrives here, there are a multitude of reasons that working on yourself, realizing your role, whatever it was, is proactive. do we want to repeat the same mistakes? i assume not.

"It's right, this board is the only place where other people can truly understand. None of my friends or family really get it. They just roll their eyes and say 'why didn't you leave' or 'everyone could see it - why couldn't you' but I don't think they truly knew the level of my dysfunction or just how cruel and twisted my relationship was."

i count myself lucky in the sense that i feel like most of those close to me were understanding, and almost limitless in their patience. that said i dont think any of them have been through a BPD relationship and can understand and empathize on the level of those on this board. you know trog, even now, when i read about say, physically abusive relationships, i cannot relate, but i definitely feel that through my experience (which did not include physical abuse) that i can empathize. so much of it boils down to a: not knowing, not having any idea what youre getting into. long before my BPD relationship i loved psychology. absolutely zero of that prepared me. b: conditioning. these relationships can more or less train you to lose your sense of self. i just hope by this point you understand that these people cant necessarily understand. it can feel invalidating; theyre likely giving the best advice and help that they can. my process also taught me not to expect more than i could out of a person, especially a person i knew i couldnt expect more of. im hardly asking you not to share your experience with your loved ones, just to lower your expectations, and to count yourself lucky that you have the greatest support group in the world 

There's also the issue for me, not sure of this applies to others, but people around me are generally used to seeing me as strong or the provider. I have been so sane and reasonable and calm with everyone around me that it doesn't fit their model of me that I would fill to see my ex for what she was. However, my parents can see that I treat others far better than myself and this certainly led to my putting up with the relationship for so long

One of the first things my parents told me after I told them how everything had went down, and they saw what it had done to me was: "How can you be this devastated? You're always so positive and good to other people, and you do everything you can to help them... .". They also saw me as a person full of strength, full of boundaries that could not be crossed, and through that be able to provide help and support for my closest. I think I have declared my own issues enough to them now, and they know that I am not as strong as they took me for. One thing that hit me, was when one of my close friends told me: "You always put yourself last to make sure other people are happy and you never ask for anything in return. That's what makes you so wonderful". It took me a while to process that comment, and I realised that this is truly where my problem lies. This is why I am who I am. My mom told me: "I am proud of the son I've raised and that you always care so much for others before yourself". Now I realise, that these two things are very much related, and they have led me to the pain I've experienced in the aftermath of my breakup. Therefore, it is something I will have to deal with, and work on, so I will never be put in this same situation again. This shift of focus on what my ex-BPD has done to me, how much it has hurt, and how much I feel betrayed, has helped me immensely in gaining more insight into my own part in the relationship. There's no justification for the pain that is inflicted by BPD partners, but I must also move forward for me to have a chance to ever be able to love again. That gives me hope, the hope and thought of loving again.

[DyingLove]

WE GOTTA PUT OURSELVES FIRST FROM NOW ON!  AMEN PEOPLE!

Being on the back burner made us just "leftovers" that could be tossed out with the garbage when we begin to spoil.  I'm thinking of her today, but I finally figured out what the NUMB feeling is.  I thought about her and I do not give a DOO DOO!

(can't speak for tomorrow, you all know that, but I'm trying!)

[PaintedBlack28]

Well just before this weekend I was doing a lot better, and not always thinking about her at least not as much as I used to. Then I ran onto some music that triggered me a lot. Up to now, the b/u, r/s and the whole BPD interaction was starting to fade away in intensity (nevertheless there were episodes of extreme, excruciating pain almost everyday) but the answer would be yes, I do. I miss her every minute.

[once removed]

i have mixed feelings about putting others first vs putting ourselves first.

putting others first is a religious teaching as well as a value for me. in general, its a quality i dont wish to ever lose.

you have two ends of the spectrum. one is being subservient and a door mat. the other is being a narcissist. theres a whole lot there in the middle. sharing is an example. giving your time. compromising or changing your position all together. psychologically speaking, it benefits us to help others. it doesnt benefit us when it defines our self worth, or when we see others as greater than ourselves, or when we do it out of expectation of something in return.

i think the answer, and the difference, is healthy boundaries.

[Trog]

i have mixed feelings about putting others first vs putting ourselves first.

putting others first is a religious teaching as well as a value for me. in general, its a quality i dont wish to ever lose.

you have two ends of the spectrum. one is being subservient and a door mat. the other is being a narcissist. theres a whole lot there in the middle. sharing is an example. giving your time. compromising or changing your position all together. psychologically speaking, it benefits us to help others. it doesnt benefit us when it defines our self worth, or when we see others as greater than ourselves, or when we do it out of expectation of something in return.

i think the answer, and the difference, is healthy boundaries.

I agree in part and had also struggled with this concept until I read around a bit and came to a few conclusions.

Basically, I am learning to put myself first and it feels weird and it pushes my boundaries but what this 'putting you first' really means is that, if you are not coming with your cup full, your cup can NOT runneth over in order to serve others. If you are giving and giving and giving, you become bitter and resentful and if you are not full, of self esteem, of love for yourself, the quality of what you have to give is not as great if you were 'full'. Keeping myself in lack to give for others has not worked in 35 years. I don't mean with that, give nothing to charity, keep all for yourself, but I'm talking about treating your body right, being healthy, keeping your soul fed.

For anyone who has ever played the sims, it's a real interesting example for life. If you go to work, or try to get a promotion, or try to get a partner and all your bars are in the red, not looking after yourself, not caring for your body, nutrition, sleep, having hobbies and friends etc you can not go further in the game. For those who don't like to get their life lessons from computer games (ha!) then I guess it equates to Maslows hierarchy of needs.

You gotta come with your cup full, or the quality of what you give is poorer, or the outcome of what you want to exceed - is less likely to happen

[once removed]

i would agree with that completely. i also love the sims 

[blissful_camper]

I care from the stand point that I hope he's healthy and happy.  However, what he's doing day to day doesn't interest me. His lifestyle is so very different from mine. We haven't much in common.

[Mutt]

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