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Author Topic: "I Need to Feel Safe" - Red Flag?  (Read 609 times)
DreamerGirl
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« Reply #30 on: May 29, 2015, 03:40:49 AM »

I'm a non and I need to feel safe in my relationship.

I've never thought it was an abnormal need to feel this way.  Now upon reading so many opinions, it made me think.

My need to feel safe stems from my childhood, without any doubt.

I never felt safe.  I was always worried that my mother would kill herself and leave me.  My father was an alcoholic and living his own life.  I was very scared as a child.

My mother was very fragile, so I had to be very careful not to upset her and to always reassure her of my love because she felt that she was worthless and nobody loved her.  I did this constantly, because it was the only way I felt I could stop her from leaving me.

Just the insecurity of never feeling I had someone there to look after me, made me deeply anxious inside. 

I now crave someone who can make me feel safe.  Someone I can trust to be strong for me.  Someone to lean on, if I need too.

Writing this down has made me really see that I still haven't found someone who fulfills this need. 

I see why I have, in the early days of my relationship with BPDbf, reacted so strongly to the abandonment when he would just walk off and leave me.  It triggered the worse anxiety which I can now identify that I had as a child.




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Infared
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #31 on: May 29, 2015, 05:07:20 AM »

After being in a relationship with a pwBPD I am the one saying that "I need to feel safe". I have no trust for the opposite sex.
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dobie
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« Reply #32 on: May 29, 2015, 07:43:29 AM »

After being in a relationship with a pwBPD I am the one saying that "I need to feel safe". I have no trust for the opposite sex.

Me two infrared I'm going "lone wolf"  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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goateeki
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 19 years
Posts: 262



« Reply #33 on: May 29, 2015, 12:09:02 PM »

The difference of course is that the demands are finite, because the non is capable of the self-awareness to discern their true needs (rather than what the pwBPD might refer to as "needs" which is more like "behaviours in which I require my partner to compensate so they don't trigger me"... .

Well put.  Very well put, especially the idea of "behaviors which I require of my partner to compensate... ." In fact, this really is the crux of the problem in a relationship between a borderline and a non, isn't it?  It was for me.   

On the idea of sparking a discussion, there's no way mine could have participated in a discussion about her feelings or needs.  I felt like an idiot when, time after time, she'd accuse me of something, or sulk, or be silent and avoidant, and I'd say to her, "I'd like to talk about our relationship and how you're feeling" and she would either ignore me or say something like "I can't just talk about feelings the way you can."  In twenty years, not once could I get her to be articulate about her feelings, though she was so clearly beset by emotional problems.  I have virtually no contact with her now, but what little we do have is provocative and confusing.  I speak to her like she is an adverse party in litigation, or like a spokesman for the White House would, being very careful and brief and succinct in my language.  Communication about anything has never been her strong suit, and she seems even more limited now. 
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milo1967
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« Reply #34 on: May 29, 2015, 02:21:19 PM »

Absolutely. My XW should have it embroidered on her chest. And when I read a letter her adultery partner sent her, guess what it referenced? That she said she felt so safe with him. Same words she used with me. And likely used with every man she'd ever been with before the devaluation commenced. It's a script.
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mgl210
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Relationship status: Single....a month?
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« Reply #35 on: May 29, 2015, 02:50:50 PM »

IMHO, I loved that movie "Gone Girl", it honestly made me realize exactly how much of a true nightmare I was very fortunate to have escaped. It also made me realize that I had failed to see so many  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)    Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  (Well, you get the point).

Regarding, the " I need to feel safe". IME, i can remember the many numerous times that my exfwBPD had told me that she needed to feel safe. I can remember quite vividly tht she told me from the first time we started chatting off the dating website that I had met her. IME that line is the biggest warning that an individual with BPD in their rational state of being can truly offer the prospective mate of what they are getting themselves into.  The sad thing is that there are so many  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) that we truly either miss them or just try and write them off as little quirks, because we love that person so much.

I could write a book about this subject based on experience, so rather than go on and on and ramble. then I will just say yes its a definite  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

<MGL210

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apollotech
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 792


« Reply #36 on: May 29, 2015, 04:28:43 PM »

"I need to feel safe"

ZeusRLX,

Rather than making a statement about her feeling safe, was she making a statement about her needing to be able to trust you? Perhaps to not leave her? BPD statements are about their reality, which is plagued with insecurity (fear of "x"). I heard similar statements from my ex, but they were always about trust.

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