The difference of course is that the demands are finite, because the non is capable of the self-awareness to discern their true needs (rather than what the pwBPD might refer to as "needs" which is more like "behaviours in which I require my partner to compensate so they don't trigger me"... .
Well put. Very well put, especially the idea of "behaviors which I require of my partner to compensate... ." In fact, this really is the crux of the problem in a relationship between a borderline and a non, isn't it? It was for me.
On the idea of sparking a discussion, there's no way mine could have participated in a discussion about her feelings or needs. I felt like an idiot when, time after time, she'd accuse me of something, or sulk, or be silent and avoidant, and I'd say to her, "I'd like to talk about our relationship and how you're feeling" and she would either ignore me or say something like "I can't just talk about feelings the way you can." In twenty years, not once could I get her to be articulate about her feelings, though she was so clearly beset by emotional problems. I have virtually no contact with her now, but what little we do have is provocative and confusing. I speak to her like she is an adverse party in litigation, or like a spokesman for the White House would, being very careful and brief and succinct in my language. Communication about anything has never been her strong suit, and she seems even more limited now.