NC is brutal

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Everyday I must remind myself that he does not regret dumping me.  He also does not miss me or care. It's taking a real beating on my self esteem but the only thing that keeps me from trying. Anyone here that can relate?

[Beach_Babe]

Everyday I must remind myself that he does not regret dumping me.  He also does not miss me or care. It's taking a real beating on my self esteem but the only thing that keeps me from trying. Anyone here that can relate?

[bjm]

Yes, completely,  It is the hardest thing to understand, yet from reading on here and researching online, it does not appear to be that there is something wrong with us, but rather the opposite.  These people have such deep rooted fear issues that they act differently than a normal person.  But it doesn't make it any easier.  I am going through the same thing, even though I am the one that went dark, they never came after me.  Very hard.

[Beach_Babe]

Why did you go dark? We're you hoping to be left alone?

[Lifewriter16]

My BPDxbf decided to go n/c this morning after I told him that I didn't want to try being 'just friends'. I suspect that when I said I didn't want to be 'friends', he assumed that meant I never wanted to see him again and I didn't like him any more. What I actually meant was that I didn't want us to deliberately hang out together though I would be friendly if we bumped into each other. I hadn't intended to create a situation of animosity, but that's what I have ended up with. Now, everything feels awful and I am beginning to feel myself sliding into panic mode because I won't ever see or hear from him again. I feel like he's saying he hates me and will hate me forever, though the truth is probably that he's hurt. I agree, Beach Babe, n/c is pretty brutal.

Love Lifewriter

[rotiroti]

The 10 beliefs that keep us in relationships workshop really opened my eyes:


Lesson #2 is tough, but it is so true. It's why we see the same kind of hurt posted here over and over again: Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140819.0

[UserName69]

Everyday I must remind myself that he does not regret dumping me.  He also does not miss me or care. It's taking a real beating on my self esteem but the only thing that keeps me from trying. Anyone here that can relate?

At the early breakups I never understood what was happening. Just too many crazy things I just couldn't understand. You need to remind yourself why he's your exBPD, if you miss him thing about the bad things that's what I did. It will make the moving on process easier. If you can don't even think back about him or the rs, the best thing to do is to keep your self busy. Start a new hobby, go out with friends, try to enjoy life without him and soon you'll over him.

I don't think it's possible to have a healthy relationship with a pwBPD so the only option left is to move on and care about yourself.

[once removed]

The 10 beliefs that keep us in relationships workshop really opened my eyes:


Lesson #2 is tough, but it is so true. It's why we see the same kind of hurt posted here over and over again: Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140819.0

beachbabe, i feel like if i were continually telling myself that my ex doesnt care about my existence, doesnt miss me, doesnt care, then that would impact my self esteem understandably. as mentioned, we dont necessarily know what our exes are thinking or experiencing, so why torture ourselves with a rather painful version of it? you know, i had a good friend tell me, in a rather frustrated manner, that my ex probably wasnt even thinking about me. that was devastating; it was also factually untrue, and i think against human nature, disorder or not, but nonetheless devastating to hear. if id internalized that message, i dont think id have done very well with it. i think this is similar to what you are repeatedly telling yourself. it may be more helpful to your recovery to remind yourself that your ex has a personality disorder, and as any human being, is experiencing the great difficulty youre having, differently than you. its the truth, and it says nothing about what you have to offer as a human or a partner.

[fromheeltoheal]

The 10 beliefs that keep us in relationships workshop really opened my eyes:


Lesson #2 is tough, but it is so true. It's why we see the same kind of hurt posted here over and over again: Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140819.0

beachbabe, i feel like if i were continually telling myself that my ex doesnt care about my existence, doesnt miss me, doesnt care, then that would impact my self esteem understandably. as mentioned, we dont necessarily know what our exes are thinking or experiencing, so why torture ourselves with a rather painful version of it? you know, i had a good friend tell me, in a rather frustrated manner, that my ex probably wasnt even thinking about me. that was devastating; it was also factually untrue, and i think against human nature, disorder or not, but nonetheless devastating to hear. if id internalized that message, i dont think id have done very well with it. i think this is similar to what you are repeatedly telling yourself. it may be more helpful to your recovery to remind yourself that your ex has a personality disorder, and as any human being, is experiencing the great difficulty youre having, differently than you. its the truth, and it says nothing about what you have to offer as a human or a partner.

And also, you're still giving him a whole lot of power Beach.  When will it be time to start taking your power back?

[JRT]

The 10 beliefs that keep us in relationships workshop really opened my eyes:


Lesson #2 is tough, but it is so true. It's why we see the same kind of hurt posted here over and over again: Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140819.0

beachbabe, i feel like if i were continually telling myself that my ex doesnt care about my existence, doesnt miss me, doesnt care, then that would impact my self esteem understandably. as mentioned, we dont necessarily know what our exes are thinking or experiencing, so why torture ourselves with a rather painful version of it? you know, i had a good friend tell me, in a rather frustrated manner, that my ex probably wasnt even thinking about me. that was devastating; it was also factually untrue, and i think against human nature, disorder or not, but nonetheless devastating to hear. if id internalized that message, i dont think id have done very well with it. i think this is similar to what you are repeatedly telling yourself. it may be more helpful to your recovery to remind yourself that your ex has a personality disorder, and as any human being, is experiencing the great difficulty youre having, differently than you. its the truth, and it says nothing about what you have to offer as a human or a partner.


This is excellent advice!

But I would really counter with a bit that I had read here a while back: your BPD cared very deeply and profoundly for you. You were the most important thing in the world to them... .but you became too close to them. You were way too valuable to lose and then BPD did the rest of the job. It is really the opposite of what their behavior language states.

[Beach_Babe]

In my experience they he only missed people who had 1) dumped him first and/or 2) he still idealized. One girl, for example, he met during an overseas trip.  It was a very intense one month, then she dumped him after he became a raging lunatic. He claimed she refused his friendship and he never attempted to contact her since. Years later he still ruminated about this "perfect creature"; how he messed up, and was a bad person. Many examples of this. Yet he did not seem to care about longterm friend/relationships that ended. Just simply blamed them and that was that.  Only if THEY contacted him did he respond.  I am the only one, however, that has ever been blocked. I think he's such a loser I am the only chance to "reject" someone he's ever had and it makes him feel powerful. Hence the "hate" for me right now. The best I can probably hope for in the future is indifference. But that will require him to secure a new target and right now I'm just too convenient. The truth is I was an self esteem boost for his pathetic life. Once he no longer needed that I was history. Contacting him will only end ugly. He has no soul.

[JRT]

In my experience they he only missed people who had 1) dumped him first and/or 2) during idealization phase. He had one girl, for example, he met during an overseas trip he obsessed about constantly. It was a very intense one month, then his demons came out and she dumped him after he became a raging lunatic. He claimed she refused his friendship and he never attempted to contact her since. He would ruminate obsessively about this "perfect creature" (who obviously, was never a real friend) years later. How he messed up, was a bad person. Many examples of this. Yet he did not care in the slightest about longterm friend/relationships of substance that ended. He did not ruminate or care, simply blamed them and that was that. He honestly did not miss them or care. And never ran after them. Only if they contacted him, maybe. It's sad it was as if he could only care about people who don't care back.  I know I fall into the second category. Not a single one of them, however, has ever been blocked. Except me. My Facebook Is blocked. So is email, phone, Skype. Don't know if this is still true however it's likely. I am the enemy. Most people dump him. To my knowledge I am the first he has ever dumped. I think he's such a loser I am the only chance to "reject" someone he's ever had and it makes him feel powerful. Hence the "hate" for me right now. The best I can probably hope for is indifference. But that will require him if he finds a new target,

You are blocked and all the others were not because he cared about you the most... .the feelings were FAR more intense and more confusing and painful for him to deal with. The more extreme the cut off, the proportionally greater the feelings. He didn't block the others because he could deal with the associated emotions. With you, its emotional overload.

[Beach_Babe]

Yes but the "overwhelming" emotions are of hate. Not love or longing. He is an a npd, and I'm his first rejectee (yes, he really was that much of a loser). There is a possibility he would just be surprised to hear from me; I have seen this before it is because he completely forgot about the person.

[Beach_Babe]

I'm struggling with belief #2. Belief they feel the same way. They do not. I do know his love and friendship were real at one time, but they aren't now. The "good" memories were erased along with my usefulness.  Yes I was cared for and useful but as supply. I know he wilI return, but only after he burns all bridges again. He will start "missing" those good times only when he is  rock bottom desperate. He will pop up out of nowhere after a year or two, use me for temporary sustenance then devalue/discard all over again. I don't deserve to wait years for him to come around. I know contacting him now will end badly. It just makes me sad. I'm angry at ME that I still struggle.

[JRT]

Yes but the "overwhelming" emotions are of hate. Not love or longing. He is an a npd, and I'm his first rejectee (yes, he really was that much of a loser). There is a possibility he would just be surprised to hear from me; I have seen this before it is because he completely forgot about the person.

This is common for a pwBPD... .but it is not, as you know, a true manifestation of what they feel. I think that you will agree that most BPD's are full of self loathing ESPECIALLY after they realize that they had just pushed someone away that was the most important person in their life. The 'hate' that you see is the primitive and child-like way that they deal with those emotions lest they consume them.

[JRT]

I'm struggling with belief #2. Belief they feel the same way. They do not. I do know his love and friendship were real at one time, but they aren't now. The "good" memories were erased along with my usefulness.  Yes I was cared for and useful but as supply. I know he wilI return, but only after he burns all bridges again. He will start "missing" those good times only when he is  rock bottom desperate. He will pop up out of nowhere after a year or two, use me for temporary sustenance then devalue/discard all over again. I don't deserve to wait years for him to come around. I know contacting him now will end badly. It just makes me sad. I'm angry at ME that I still struggle.

Maybe, its tough for me or even you to say... .a good guess is about all. But I would disagree that they forget about the good times. The accounts that I have read indicate that they definitely do remember except they do their best to repress those memories. Those good times; they HURT to think about and as much as we try hard not to think about, for example, the gory accident we saw on the freeway, they work hard to repress those emotions. They, no one, has the ability to purge their memories.

Give yourself a break; you were with him for 14 years, that's tough to deal with for anyone. Even if it was amicable any normal person would have a tough time healing. You have been out for 3 months and I think that you are doing pretty well and I want you to promise to hang in there. There is very good news here that I really want to urge you to remind yourself of every day ... .maybe even every hour: you feel this way because you are normal. Since you are normal, you can be in a successful relationship. Thats EXCELLENT news,; your ex cannot.

[Beach_Babe]

Please remind me I'll be very sorry if I reach out

[JRT]

Please remind me I'll be very sorry if I reach out

Its corny but it might be something to write down and put in prominent places so you are reminded... .Stuart Smalley style.

[Beach_Babe]

My BPDxbf decided to go n/c this morning after I told him that I didn't want to try being 'just friends'. I suspect that when I said I didn't want to be 'friends', he assumed that meant I never wanted to see him again and I didn't like him any more. What I actually meant was that I didn't want us to deliberately hang out together though I would be friendly if we bumped into each other.

I think the way you handled things is reasonable. From what I recall you have tried many times to make this work. Maybe it can't. Sometimes that happens. Why do you think you still feel guilty?

Neveragainthanks: love the username. Thanks for the article link. How are you doing today?

Username69: I think you should write a book or have some online help forum for men  . Your posts crack me up, but what you say Is completely true.

Onceremoved: I see what you are saying. The fact he has a personality disorder is probably why he does not care or think about me. It's a tough pill to swallow, and I think I am having a hard time shifting the focus to myself (though I am trying). Truth be told I don't want to give up on a friendship. I wish civility at least was possible. I am not sure of breaking NC would unstick me.

Heeltoheel: very true about needing to focus on myself and take my power back. I need to stop thinking about what he thinks because no matter the why of his behavior the outcome remains the same.

Did you find this as well?

[fromheeltoheal]

Heeltoheel: very true about needing to focus on myself and take my power back. I need to stop thinking about what he thinks because no matter the why of his behavior the outcome remains the same.

Did you find this as well?

It goes beyond that.  I stopped thinking about what she thinks because the relationship was over, I'd removed her from my life, and I started moving on without her.  What she thinks was no longer any of my business or concern.  It was a process though, where do you think you are in it, when you're still considering contacting him?

[willemina]

On that note, I was invited to church by a construction worker on my house, he was saved from drugs, being shady and screwing people over. He and I were both crying in my living room which looks like a construction site, because we know God is real, we know He heals wounds. I need that tonight, even tho I'm going to the 'bad part of my town', I have a stong desire to seek peace I will get from God

[nickoftime]

We're all here for you Beach.  These breakups are brutal and I can't imagine going through it after a long term RS that you had.  I think breaking NC can be a good thing for some of us but you have to be in the right mindeset.  If you're looking for answers definetly not a good idea.  If you want to give them a piece of your mind, bad idea.  It was good for me to break NC cuz after 6 months of getting the ST, I was in a much better place and wanted to extend an olive branch to have some civility between us.  The key was my expectation was I'd get no response back.  And I didn't.  But that helped me move on.  I don't advise you to break NC in your current mindset.

If your not in therapy maybe consider it.  I hope you're keeping yourself busy and doing things that make you feel good about yourself.  Volunterring is a good thing for this.  Not only do you feel better about yourself but it can put things in perspective.  

You are making progress and it's going to get better.  I consider myself mostly healed so trust me it will get better.  It may not seem like it is... .but I think you'll see some happier times ahead of you and less thoughts of him soon enough.  

[rotiroti]

 

I'm glad I could be of some help, that entire list of 10 reasons I think are all useful. Hang in there! We're all cheering you on!

[Beach_Babe]

It goes beyond that.  I stopped thinking about what she thinks because the relationship was over, I'd removed her from my life, and I started moving on without her.  What she thinks was no longer any of my business or concern. 

This is the goal. Still feel a little stuck though.

Willemina: I'm glad you made a new friend to support you. How are things for you today?

Nickoftime: thanks for that helpful info! I am sorry you never received a reply. That sounds hurtful. I want civility as well, but fear a cruel, condescending (or worse, no) response would send me backward. If I am still stuck in another month I might consider it.

Neveragainthanks: great article  . Appreciate so much your concern

[nickoftime]

No no no... .I was not sugesting you break no contact.  Definetly don't do it in your case and frame of mind.  Breaking NC is not for everyone... .most of us it's not.  I was just relaying how it ended up helpeing me.

Your only 3 months into this and you're not going to be over the hurt and the confusion after only 3 months.  I was trying to say give yourself a break and lower your expectation of how you're supposed to feel after only 3 months.  The key is to put effort into your healing and not expect a measurement of time to mark your progress.  Aee you seeing a therapist and if not maybe give therapy a try?

[UserName69]

Breaking NC is not for everyone... .most of us it's not.  I was just relaying how it ended up helpeing me.

Your only 3 months into this and you're not going to be over the hurt and the confusion after only 3 months.  I was trying to say give yourself a break and lower your expectation of how you're supposed to feel after only 3 months.  The key is to put effort into your healing and not expect a measurement of time to mark your progress.  Aee you seeing a therapist and if not maybe give therapy a try?

I read an article once about this, they say mostly after three weeks your partner is going to remember only the great things about the relationship. So he/she will contact you. I think this is really true and that explains why a lot of people are struggling with NC. They start to remember the great time only so they want their partner back.

Thats the reason why I only thought about the bad moments. It did made me hate her, a lot in fact but it made everything easier.