Hi RubyRobin,
I see that you've posted in L5 as well and you've received a very good response, but it is my hope that you also read a different perspective and do a bit of research on the drama triangle. I understand that you were also married when you began this affair and are looking to repair the damages and get on with a new life, but one of things that resonates in your writing is blame. In order to get away from the drama you are going to have to hear a few things that may be painful, but hopefully they will provide insight.
The circumstances of his leaving the relationship were that he and I had started an affair several months after his discovery that his wife was having an affair. He was reluctant to leave her, despite his acknowledgement that his relationship with her was controlling, abusive and causing him significant distress. He strongly suspected that, if he left, she would prevent him from seeing his children and she would make his life impossible. She had threatened both these consequences and he believed her.
He also knew that it would be impossible to negotiate a separation, and that the only way to leave was to disappear.
This should read "he also
knew FELT that it would be impossible to negotiate a separation and that the only way to leave was to
disappear have an affair. “He was reluctant to leave” so rather than go to court and file for a divorce- he chose to distract himself with a third party (who was also married to someone else.)
There was no discussion of the separation before he left;
Most partners who “cut and run” without any discussion to the spouse/partner are avoidant for reasons. Have you ever weighed the advantages of this against the disadvantages?
"No discussion" can also be disrespectful to the safety and mental health rights of the children. The “cut and run” is known as the silent treatment and it can appear to the children that they are not worthy enough of being told why their Father is leaving.
Not worthy enough translates into worthless, shameful and lost. Lost children often don’t eat or speak. The psychology of the abandonment and silence translates into self-harm behaviors because they think it’s their fault. You’ve mentioned that one child has an eating disorder and one child now has a speech impediment. There is a reason why.
when the topic arose, she became uncontrollably emotional, abusive, accusatory, threatening, weeping, screaming, breaking things etc in front of the children. She had told the children that he was abandoning them and they had pleaded with him to stay. He felt unable to speak to his children about his leaving and there was no discussion about arrangements for seeing the children following the separation.
Wouldn't you? Her Husband has just left without any communication with a married affair partner His behavior is avoidant and cloaked in blame. Because of this you are seeing the reactions (*disadvantages) to his previous silent treatment.
He has failed to provide consistent, mutual respect and safety to the mental well being of his children (and his Wife) while using you as a third party safety valve, agitator and rescuer.
Many people on this board have been in his Wife’s shoes because their BPD partner chose to disappear with an affair partner and not communicate at all. It’s very cruel to the former Spouse /partner who not only seeks answers from the non-communicative spouse but must also navigate the minefield of the third party agitator who blocks and defends the answers from coming forthright and acts like a defender. Why do you think this behavior doesn’t have consequences and why did you think there wouldn’t be disadvantages to playing defense?
I encouraged him to go, and provided him with a safe place where he would not be discovered.
This should read: "I encouraged him to
go,
run and provided him with
a safe an unknown place where he would not be
discovered persecuted.
Despite the fact that you had your own marriage to deal with, you became a rescuer of someone else’s marriage. Is it possible you recognize the enabling, paranoia, avoidance of reality, triangulation, helplessness, voicelessness, disrespect and interjection into a family dynamic -as a problem that wasn't yours to solve? Have you ever considered yourself a starting gate rescuer?
He left, and inevitably, his worst fears were realized: he didn't see his children for 1.5 years, she stalked us, attacked me, vandalized my property, continued to abuse him through the legal system, threatened him for money, posted abusive letters through our door for a year, lied about us to people etc.
Yes, these are some of the disadvantages in triangulation, especially when both parties are married to other people. Placing yourself in a one up position as a starting gate rescuer was the first step onto the drama triangle. Hiding out and hoping for an otherwise different reaction from her. Expecting her to remain calm. It was all a fantasy- of course she’s wanting answers and going to appear like a persecutor until you feel (
there’s those feelings again) like a victim.
She involved the children by sharing with them the financial details of the divorce, she showed them letters from the solicitor, and told them that daddy was trying to get them out of their house.
She had to. Their Father is incommunicado. She is being forced to (explain) communicate to the children because their Father -for whatever reasons- decided he “
felt unable to speak to his children,” so much so that in a previous post you stated that one child admitted “
she said that she had thought that he didn't want to speak to her.”You blame their Mother somehow, yet admit there was “no discussion about arrangements for seeing the children” and no proof otherwise to the children that he had not abandoned them. By the way, having “felt unable to speak to his children” is
feelings. As they often tell people with BPD,
feelings are not facts. The facts are that children were available to communicate- the reasons for not communicating with them are due to
feelings, not facts.
Feelings are exhaustive. Feelings may contain shame, guilt, and persecution fears. These have everything to do with the children’s Father’s mental health as he has consistently tried to use you to block and deny those feelings in order to avoid addressing them. And perhaps you use him to block your own with a combined and shared hatred of his Wife.
I am disappointed that the psychologist has concluded that the anorexia was caused by the manner in which my partner left the relationship.
The psychologist is correct in their assessment.
Certainly you can see that if your Father left your Mother for a married affair partner and refused to communicate to your Mother who may have been emotionally distraught, essentially hiding out in “a safe place where he would not be discovered,” and causing your Mother to “stalk” and communicate through letters left at the doorstop- might cause you incredible suffering, pain, depression and heartache as a child? Certainly some form of trauma or post traumatic stress?
I encouraged him to leave and I provided the impetus and promise of a healthier relationship.
The “impetus and promise” is highly suggestible, but it was fantasy. This relationship is not healthier. You were married. He was married. In order for it to be healthier, you’ve got to let go of the future fantasy promise and accept the present day reality for what it is- right now. You‘ve got to stop rescuing an adult who is clearly mired in blame against a persecutor. A child is deeply hurt and in pain and a Father needs to make amends- without your involvement.
You‘ve got to look at your own wounding.
If its true, that the manner in which he left has caused her anorexia, then I too am partly to blame for her illness. I am sorry if that is the case; I did not mean to cause her harm and I am sorry that I may have. However, the wider context of his leaving and the events that followed seem to have been discounted. My partner left the way he did because at the time it seemed the only possible way of leaving.
It wasn’t the only way he could have left. There is a basic fundamental responsibility a Father has to the children for their safety and a reason for his clinging to you as his rescuer ( in fact, clinging to each other) and then in hiding? The two are analogous; comparable in certain respects, as he retreats from his responsibilities and finds great reward in his learned helplessness while you feel overly-responsible and pick up the slack and take charge. There is a reason for your mutual attraction.
Have the events subsequent to him leaving had no bearing on the child's illness; or the years of being nurtured by a mother with uBPD? I can guess that none of the information regarding uBPDex's negative behavior have been shared with the psychologist, and possibly that may contribute to his/her conclusion.
My partners ex wife uses the children in order to get money from him.
It’s called child support.
She said that she had thought that he didn't want to speak to her.
I would think the same thing and I am an adult.
The events subsequent do have a bearing on a child. It’s her childhood. The reasons for her parent’s mental processes are a mystery to her. She is confused and without any answers. She deserves respect. If her Father had weighed the advantages of having an affair, hiding out and playing mute versus speaking his mind, filing for divorce and being there for his children, things might be better now- don’t you agree?
Hopefully you’ll address the pain you are in and uncover the reasons for your enmeshment. Check out the link on the drama triangle.
www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/Good luck and keep posting.
