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Author Topic: Did I leave her or did she leave me?  (Read 781 times)
joeramabeme
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
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« on: July 20, 2015, 12:30:56 PM »

I have been seeing new T for a couple months that made an interesting comment to me the other session; “I am still unclear if she is leaving you or if you are leaving her”.  In my mind it is crystal clear, that she is leaving me.  But according to the T, he is hearing that there were a lot of things I was unhappy about that I could not resolve and I am leaving her just as much as she is leaving me.

His observation is valid.  A few months ago and even once before that, I was ready to leave and just thought I would move forward.  I never did that and in the end she is the one who said that she wanted a divorce and was not going to try and reconcile.

 

Now that this is all really happening I am a basket case of sadness and mashed emotions.  I am wondering why she doesn’t love me like I love her and pretty much have her as leaving me b/c she painted me black.  Perhaps this is not true and I am just playing my victim role in the Karpman triangle as well as can be.

This is all so confusing that I just don’t feel like I know anything anymore about any of my relationship dynamics and don’t trust myself.  How could I be leaving her and yet feel so awful that we wont be together and want her to be with me. 

Am I just broken b/c I wanted her to behave differently or did she push me out of the marriage.

UGGGHHH!

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valet
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« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2015, 12:36:52 PM »

I think that this is a good question to ask yourself, joeramabeme.

Personally, I know that I was unhappy in my relationship. It was just that at that time I was too dependent on it to leave, or rather, I did not believe that I had that option.

At this point, I can safely say that even though I was the one who was left, I have certainly tried my best at shutting and locking the 'romantic relationship' door on her after she walked away. This might be a valuable realization to make, and it could lead you to a newfound sense of closure regarding your experience.

What do you think?
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2015, 01:29:35 PM »

Hi joe-

Excerpt
there were a lot of things I was unhappy about that I could not resolve and I am leaving her just as much as she is leaving me.

Looking at that through the borderline lens, for someone who is always fearing abandonment and is convinced it will happen, and is hypervigilant for signs, your unhappiness could have signaled to her that you were about to leave, so she left first, a preemptive strike.

I left my ex for about a week once and we got back together, but it was never the same.  I'd not be looking at her and turn to catch her intensely studying my face to try and see signs that I was lying, I wasn't committed, wasn't happy, something, and it was clear that any trust that was there had eroded, and also obvious how the hypervigilance shows up when someone is fearing imminent abandonment and convinced you're lying, and no amount of talking or behaving appropriately is going to fix it.

I was still fully committed, even though she didn't believe me, and you know if you were too.  If we're unhappy about something that we can't resolve the desire to give up is natural, and you gotta give borderlines credit for their perception ability, the ability to read signs we might not have intended to give, borne out of that focus on abandonment and honed with a lifetime of practice.  I found her intensity exhausting, she saw it as survival, and I bet borderlines make great poker players.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2015, 03:43:24 PM »

Hi joe-

there were a lot of things I was unhappy about that I could not resolve and I am leaving her just as much as she is leaving me.

Looking at that through the borderline lens, for someone who is always fearing abandonment and is convinced it will happen, and is hypervigilant for signs, your unhappiness could have signaled to her that you were about to leave, so she left first, a preemptive strike.

I left my ex for about a week once and we got back together, but it was never the same.  I'd not be looking at her and turn to catch her intensely studying my face to try and see signs that I was lying, I wasn't committed, wasn't happy, something, and it was clear that any trust that was there had eroded, and also obvious how the hypervigilance shows up when someone is fearing imminent abandonment and convinced you're lying, and no amount of talking or behaving appropriately is going to fix it.

I was still fully committed, even though she didn't believe me, and you know if you were too.  If we're unhappy about something that we can't resolve the desire to give up is natural, and you gotta give borderlines credit for their perception ability, the ability to read signs we might not have intended to give, borne out of that focus on abandonment and honed with a lifetime of practice.  I found her intensity exhausting, she saw it as survival, and I bet borderlines make great poker players.

Thanks H2H,

What is it about being so focused on lying?  My wife was the penultimate radar for checking on lies.  I got to a point where I started to lie about things just to avoid belittling and sarcasm.  She would scan my face with finely tuned radar for clues and then interrogate me.  Even when she could not get me to confess my feelings, she would say that her gut could sense I was holding back; her radar was often correct too. 

It got so crazy, me lying to prevent her from knowing my feelings so that we would not have a bad scene and then her being pissed off anyway because she sensed I was lying.  Most confusing to me was that in calmer moments she would tell me how important trust was for her, it was critical.  I don't think I handled this as well as I could have or should have, in fact I did not.  Even so, her responses were so intense to even being dishonest about going out to dinner by myself that I just didn't know how to "win" or avoid what I did not want to happen.

Any thoughts about why it is like this?  I just say it is about trust, or lack of it, but there must be more to it.
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2015, 03:44:26 PM »

This is all so confusing that I just don’t feel like I know anything anymore about any of my relationship dynamics and don’t trust myself.  How could I be leaving her and yet feel so awful that we wont be together and want her to be with me.  

Am I just broken b/c I wanted her to behave differently or did she push me out of the marriage.

Hi Joe,

I understand how confusing that can be when a marriage breaks-down and we're left with questions with how did things get this way? How did this spiral out of control. I can relate.

If I take out the pathology, I had a bad marriage. A relationship takes two, and it was an opportunity to turn the binocular around take a look at my behaviors, lessons that I can learn from.

There's a pattern and a series of events that takes place when a relationship seriously starts to break down. This is an interesting article on the four different stages take place which John Gottman, Ph.D calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse".

Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
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