From an 18-year old who wants to be free

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My father is something else.

He, and I don't know if I'm describing this accurately, thinks he is above everyone. He has been hitting us since we were kids and still continues to do so. He demands that we respect him because he's older and therefore wiser, or that we owe him our lives because he created us. He controls the household dynamics because he's the only one with a driver's license and he seems too lazy to teach us. Mind you, I'm 18 and the youngest, I have two sisters and two brothers that are in their 20's. Our eldest moved out after my father tried calling the cops on her just because she was on a camping trip with her boyfriend.

Just recently, my brother, he's 25 and in the army, got into an arguement with him and he told us that he couldn't care less about us or as he told our eldest, we were "dead to him". He refuses to drive me to work and my brother to his drills.

I didnt know how to deal with this so I looked up toxic and narcissistic parents and was recommended this site.

[Amine]

My father is something else.

He, and I don't know if I'm describing this accurately, thinks he is above everyone. He has been hitting us since we were kids and still continues to do so. He demands that we respect him because he's older and therefore wiser, or that we owe him our lives because he created us. He controls the household dynamics because he's the only one with a driver's license and he seems too lazy to teach us. Mind you, I'm 18 and the youngest, I have two sisters and two brothers that are in their 20's. Our eldest moved out after my father tried calling the cops on her just because she was on a camping trip with her boyfriend.

Just recently, my brother, he's 25 and in the army, got into an arguement with him and he told us that he couldn't care less about us or as he told our eldest, we were "dead to him". He refuses to drive me to work and my brother to his drills.

I didnt know how to deal with this so I looked up toxic and narcissistic parents and was recommended this site.

[Sunfl0wer]

Welcome Amine!  

I'm glad you found this site, this is a good place, with a great bunch of people and a wealth of wisdom.

I found this place after trying to cope with the break up of a partner with narcissistic and borderline traits.  My mom had BPD, as well as my sister.  Growing up was traumatic for me.  This site has been an invaluable resource in my journey of healing!

It is ok to be here even if you do not have a diagnosis for your dad.  It's ok if he is NPD or BPD or whatever.  It sounds like the dynamics you must live with are going to be similar in many ways... .to much of what you read here.

It is a good idea to browse around if you haven't already and start by reading the Lessons.

It sounds like your dad is controlling and intimidating.  Him hitting is unacceptable and abusive.  What is happening about this? You need a plan for this now.

As far as dad not driving you guys.  The reality is that where your dad failed you in teaching you guys responsibility and other life lessons... .you are now responsible for yourself.  (With or without his guidance) It is hard for me to say to you, knowing you are the age of my own son, knowing I would never throw him out into the world unprepared, however... . You will likely be better off to not depend on him any longer.  Can you walk, bike ride, take a bus to work?  Find a job that you can get to without relying on him?  The key to your freedom and health, is in finding independence from him.  This is a tough reality to swallow, sorry!

Is you mom or other family around?

What other people are in your support network?

Do you see a therapist?

[Kwamina]

Hi Amine

I'd like to join Sunfl0wer in welcoming you here

He has been hitting us since we were kids and still continues to do so.

This is very concerning. I am very sorry that you are dealing with this abuse from your own father. Do you feel physically safe in your home? To help you assess your current safety situation I strongly encourage you to take look at some information we have here: Safety First

He demands that we respect him because he's older and therefore wiser, or that we owe him our lives because he created us. He controls the household dynamics because he's the only one with a driver's license and he seems too lazy to teach us. Mind you, I'm 18 and the youngest, I have two sisters and two brothers that are in their 20's. Our eldest moved out after my father tried calling the cops on her just because she was on a camping trip with her boyfriend.

Just recently, my brother, he's 25 and in the army, got into an arguement with him and he told us that he couldn't care less about us or as he told our eldest, we were "dead to him". He refuses to drive me to work and my brother to his drills.

Your father sounds very controlling indeed. His demands for respect from you and your siblings, to me also suggest that he might be very insecure, though he'd never admit it of course! How would you describe your father in his interactions with other people outside of the family? Does he then also have an attitude of 'I'm better than everyone' and try to control everyone, or is his behavior different then and does he only reserve this for you and your siblings?

Many of us here know how difficult it is to deal with controlling parents. We have an article here about how things such as fear, obligation and guilt are used as tools to control others:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your father also uses fear, obligation and/or guilt to intimidate and control you and your siblings?

You can read the entire article here: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Take care and again welcome to bpdfamily

[Amine]

To Sumfl0wer, my mom insists that we try not to anger him because of the leverage he has, which is the license. My mom was disappointed in me when she heard I threatened to call the police on my dad after he almost hurt me. She said something about me deserving to get hit all because I was trying to stick up for me and my brother. As for my job, it's too late for me because I'm starting soon. And for the therapist part, both parents think that therapy should never be an option because it would show that there's something wrong with me. They're the kind who think that our family doesn't need help.

To Kwamina, we only feel safe when he isn't angry towards us. But he is two-faced. To my mom's friends, he'll be nice and kind, but he'll whistle and yell at us like we're dogs in the "safety" of our home or car. And yes, he uses fear, obligation, and guilt in order to keep us in the house, doing whatever he thinks we should be doing.

And thanks to the both of you for replying. I really don't know how to handle my situation.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Amine,

(I am having a difficult evening, therefore, not as many thoughts to offer as I feel you deserve)

I'll give you my best thoughts right now, but hope more of us can help you fill in the gaps.

I am glad that you found this site, that you are seeking help, and looking for answers.

This is a good start! 

You are clearly in a very difficult position, from many angles.  Your issue needs a serious comprehensive approach.  More than what we can offer on a website.  However, this website is an amazing wealth of info and wisdom; a very important piece of the puzzle.

It sounds like you are going to need to begin building a larger support network.

Support for getting through this time emotionally. (Process your emotional experience)

Support for planning logistical and practical matters. (Navigating transitioning into adulthood matters)

Support for your physical safety plan. (I'm not sure how)

It is going to be a process to build your support network.

So, where are you at?  Can you identify any resources or people who can be added to the list of "support network?" 

(PS... .I'm not qualified in any way... .the above is taken from my personal experiences and needs when in a simialar issue.  I almost wish I could have cut/paste a more formal description from a good website.  Hopefully though, this is a good starting point.)

[Turkish]

To Sumfl0wer, my mom insists that we try not to anger him because of the leverage he has, which is the license. My mom was disappointed in me when she heard I threatened to call the police on my dad after he almost hurt me. She said something about me deserving to get hit all because I was trying to stick up for me and my brother.

In addition to your father committing the crime of assault (and regardless of corporal punishment laws where you live, hitting another adult is a crime), your mother may also be guilty of a crime by condoning the abuse.

Your family has controlled you enough that you've not been taught the skills necessary to move out comfortably, when by all rights you should be able to move out and be on your own. Who do you have for support in the real world? Friends? I remember almost living at a friend's house the long summer of a few months before I could escape my home, and I judge that I wasn't overtly controlled as you are. You are not alone here:

PERSPECTIVES: Family systems--understanding the narcissistic family

(my Ex's family would fall under the covertly narcissistic category)